AIBU to ask your experience of having a very bright child?

[MaryShelley1818]

We just had our first parents evening and DS's report was extremely good. (Understatement)
His reading and writing are excellent (never done any of this at home or prior to him starting school 6wks ago). Excellent Maths skills, very good at PE, excellent imagination and creativity, very confident and mature. The teacher said usually children are very academic OR very creative but he literally has it all and is working at the very top end for everything. He's been standing up and speaking in assembly and she has to ask him to put his hand down and let other children answer sometimes as she knows he will know the answer (absolutely fine with this). Also very mature and expressive language.

We don't focus on academics in our house, but more on values of being kind. She said he has a special friendship and bond with a little girl who needs additional help and checks she is ok and has her specialised equipment etc Also he is described as having beautiful manners and being genuinely liked by other children.

So.....After Parents evening other parents were chatting and sharing and I found myself feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable sharing DS's as I didn't want to look like I was bragging or make him (or me) look smug. I found myself really playing it down, and even making up areas that he could improve (DS not there). Is it inevitable that I can't be proud of him or that I'll always have to play his successes down? Am I overthinking? A couple of parents did comment he was very mature and not an "average 4yr old". I don't want him to feel different or feel bad for being intelligent. (Me and DH are average, degree educated but not by any stretch academic).

I know it sounds like a stealth boast but it's really not.

My first DC was definitely one of the ‘brightest’ academically at the start of school partly because of being petrified of being in trouble and very anxious. Hated the noise and busyness and me and the reception teacher were equally pleased one day when DC stepped out of line a bit without panicking. Yes DC is still bright academically a few years on but I wish they were happier at school. I wish findings friends and managing groups was easier. I wish having their one good friend leaving hadn’t left them completely lost socially. The school is not hugely resourced for differentiating (is any state school) it’s one form entry. Out of school music lessons (after a solid 6 months of showing interest) have been great and also led to less challenging social opportunities. Doesn’t sound like your DC has these difficulties so let him enjoy doing well and look at his interests and something he will enjoy outside of school if needed. Reading well is great as it means that getting through the mind numbing books is a faster process which reinforces the interest. I’d probably not post on aibu but one of the education forums of you want further constructive feedback on sustaining interest if that is needed. I wish they were okay based for another year or 2.

I was a very bright and able child and managed to land my dream job. However I found I wasn't very good at it so had to leave soon afterwards. So be careful what you wish for.

I have one of these, hes 9. He honestly gets about 5 maths questions wrong a year, his writing was at year 5 standard in year 2 according to the senco. I just reply with a simple “good “. If he continues to be very bright other parents will find out from their child most likely. My ds helps others a lot in class it seems. He gets upset he is only allowed to answer a couple of questions a day whilst others answer more but again the teachers have said they know he will get the answer correct.
He has found school so far very easy but his behaviour is still impeccable. He struggles very much if he can’t get a physical task mastered quickly, such as he can’t tie his own shoelaces. Well he can but it’s only perfect 20% of the time at the moment so he refuses and would rather wear other shoes. His emotional health has been a worry the last few years, he takes it all in and doesn’t vocalise his feelings even though he’s capable of doing so. He takes a lot on and is a confidant of many friends and worries about them.
We have not discussed with him how bright he is but he knows from comparison and the work he is given.
I worry more about this DS than my other who has less friends and is academically’above’ or achieving.

Basically what I’m saying is whilst it’s lovely and nice to be proud, it isn’t always such a gift

It is really important to praise effort and work because at the point when really bright children have to really work it can come as a huge shock. My eldest after an excellent school career - junior teachers said the same sort of things about academic skills - barely barely scraped through his final high school exams. In fact the sibling who had a teacher's aide in primary school and worked like a dog did better in those exams as he had really worked and had hours of extra tutoring. The oldest is now halfway through med school but it took a lot of effort to get there but they learnt a lesson. I still remember how they looked when they got those results - absolutely whiefaced because they knew the exams hadn't gone well but the marks were even worse than expected.

@1Angelicfruitcake

I know my own children are often placed with children who need help with their behaviour which drives me mad because using my children shouldn’t be the go to!

I agree with you.

I’ve got to say OP that there are many here delighting in being a bit nasty or mocking. Some because, no matter the effort put in, their children struggle and so I can understand their response to this thread (still not right though). I can also guarantee they’ll be parents reading this who don’t put in any effort compared to you with their Children but are ready to have a go. Those types are just nasty!

I agree on this too. Some really nasty comments.

I have a very bright DSS. Always top of the class, doing advanced work. Thinks he is a smarter than Everyone, including his parents. He doesn't like to try, is very entitled and will give up on everything if it isn't easy and immediate. Our biggest hope for him is that as he gets older he becomes more kind and empathetic. So we've downplayed academic achievements and emphasized social/emotional ones. I think he had the impression he was spectacular from quite a young age. His sister was more kind, creative and fun but never thought she was special.

I think what I'm saying is that you need to think of the whole child. At age 5 it was exciting that he was so clever. At 11 we thought who cares about maths, I wish he would stop bullying his siblings!

Sorry op it is the british way. You need to play it down. Tbh at 4yo it's all a bit meaningless anyway.

@MaryShelley1818
I agree @Oneofthosedreadfulparents wrote a really helpful detailed post. Hopefully PPs are RTFT and moving on from your original perhaps unintended clumsy title and original post as you've taken on board PPs comments already

So let's talk helpful stuff. In the spirit of what @Oneofthosedreadfulparents said

A couple other examples of how you can involve and build on DS's good start

Maths skills are really easy to help develop generally in life. Even at young ages, and as they grew up, I would involve my DCs in "what do you think is best value.., let's find mummy a bargain" when in the supermarket. It started with counting number of yoghurts in a pack for same price and what size, to actually looking at cost per gram... and deals...

All my DCs especially mathematical DS, got very good at working out value per gram and quality v quantity etc All maths skills. I gave them money and asked them to count out change ... and showed them receipts. By 9 my son was working out the 15% discount I'd get from NUS card and all my DCs do same for 10% discount I get from Blue light card...

When something broke in the house I'd say to my DCs let's look up instructions online- I'll read it (or they would once reading well)- can we see the pictures.. (you tube is so helpful)

I got books from library not just fiction ones. Evp I raged outside interests and developing outside school friendship too based on mutual interests. When learning is fun and seems to have a practical use - it becomes

There are good points Oneofthose made about you'll have more challenging teenagers (!!) if you encourage them to think for themselves, as learning context too is important, but you will end up with young adults who can logically think through new situations and apply their learning with confidence. And learn to negotiate.