AIBU to ask your experience of having a very bright child?

[MaryShelley1818]

We just had our first parents evening and DS's report was extremely good. (Understatement)
His reading and writing are excellent (never done any of this at home or prior to him starting school 6wks ago). Excellent Maths skills, very good at PE, excellent imagination and creativity, very confident and mature. The teacher said usually children are very academic OR very creative but he literally has it all and is working at the very top end for everything. He's been standing up and speaking in assembly and she has to ask him to put his hand down and let other children answer sometimes as she knows he will know the answer (absolutely fine with this). Also very mature and expressive language.

We don't focus on academics in our house, but more on values of being kind. She said he has a special friendship and bond with a little girl who needs additional help and checks she is ok and has her specialised equipment etc Also he is described as having beautiful manners and being genuinely liked by other children.

So.....After Parents evening other parents were chatting and sharing and I found myself feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable sharing DS's as I didn't want to look like I was bragging or make him (or me) look smug. I found myself really playing it down, and even making up areas that he could improve (DS not there). Is it inevitable that I can't be proud of him or that I'll always have to play his successes down? Am I overthinking? A couple of parents did comment he was very mature and not an "average 4yr old". I don't want him to feel different or feel bad for being intelligent. (Me and DH are average, degree educated but not by any stretch academic).

I know it sounds like a stealth boast but it's really not.

Agree there is no need to lie.

There is always that fall back 'there were notes'

Other people really only care about their own DC so won't press you if you are a little mysterious. They may even assume the 'notes' were not wholly good. 😀

Enjoy.

@MakeWayMoana

I'm sure many kids can do addition at 3 though, both of mine could, dd1 was reading fluently at 4 too but had the social skills of a young toddler, still not much improved (she's autistic). The brag is "they've got it all"

I had a very bright DS at school, it was fine. The other DC knew he was really good at Maths and it didn’t make any difference to him
making friends. He’d get picked to go on special days or asked to answer hard questions etc. Nobody made a thing of it.
There’s no need to lie to other parents or play anything down. You can just say all seems to be going well and that your DC is settling in nicely.
You'll find other DC will develop at different times and may ‘overtake’ your DC so think about how’ll you’ll feel that.
My DC has a job now working with other maths geeks and couldn’t be happier.

I honestly genuinely won't mind if other children "over take" him at stuff. Academic stuff isn't everything. I was dreadful at school and very rebellious. DH is an IT geek but struggles immensely with social skills. We've both done ok 👍🏻 I just want him to continue being kind and thoughtful and happy 😊

👍🏻 I just want him to continue being kind and thoughtful and happy😊

I am sure he will.

Mate. He’s 4.

Thank you for your kind words, both your children sound great!
Yes, will definitely keep my eyes open for other stuff for him, where he may need some encouragement.

I know he's 4. It states his age in the OP.
Anything else to add or just a PA dig to make you feel good?

The irony is not lost on me about my need to be sensitive to other people said mostly by people who are doing their utmost to be unkind and say hurtful things to me. I've taken the vast majority of comments on board (good and bad).

"There were notes" Love it!! I'll remember that one!

You are lucky she enjoys school so much . My daughter 5 went to school reading as a year 3 and maths year 3 but she struggles as she find school boring . She is being assessed by potential plus U.K. . She loves science , has an elephant memory and a massive imagination and great storytelling skills . At the moment she is fascinated with black holes .
I knew she was advanced and out reading as she started reading well aged 3 and without any help but I did not realise how advanced .

I've only read the OP's posts.

This stuck out "After Parents evening other parents were chatting and sharing".
This is unusual and most people have learnt by the time their child is about 2 that in fact everyone thinks their child is the best but only to share this with interested parties (your partner, grandparents, really close friends), unless specifically asked.

It sounds like your son is doing really, really well. You must be proud.
Both my sons are pretty bright and I generally just let them get on with it and support them as needed. I tell them to work hard and that if they do so they'll have more choices open to them.

Yeah, I've never really been a "chatting to parents" person so I've clearly missed this 🙈 I work and am completing my Degree full time too so don't often have the opportunity which is a shame.

I guess despite a select few being appalled at my OP, it served its purpose and I definitely am much more aware going forward.

At 23 my older son does say that being labelled Gifted and Talented (do they have that now?) didn't do him any favours. He's not G&T, he was very able, but nothing exceptional. He was taken out of class with another girl and assigned different (extension) work. I certainly didn't put extra expectations on him or (hopefully) give him any notion he was superior to any of his peers.
In an ideal situation all children's needs would be met in the classroom. I think this might have been some government funded this of that time.

Sorry you’ve been laid into so much for this question. I have a yr 1 child like this and agree it’s best just to say that he’s doing fine, without comment (and then gush as much as you like to the grandparents, who are happy to listen!). One of the key dangers that I see with my child is that he is so used to getting things right that he reacts badly to making mistakes (eg he wants to cross out a whole page and start again if he spells something wrong). I’m therefore really trying to work on the growth mindset mentioned by a PP so that he sees mistakes as a learning opportunity not as a failure. We’ve also had discussions with him about not boasting (he doesn’t, but we wanted to pre-empt any sign of it) and the importance of making others feel good by noticing their strengths.

Yeah, I've never really been a "chatting to parents" person so I've clearly missed this 🙈 I work and am completing my Degree full time too so don't often have the opportunity which is a shame.

Didn't your son go to nursery? Mine both went to my campus nursery which was full of the children of highly educated academics. I think there was less competitive parenting there than I ever saw at the village state primary they went to.

He did, he attended Private Nursery 2 days a week but they still have Covid style drop offs and pick ups which aren't conducive to chatting unfortunately. (Very long socially distanced line).
Nursery was music focused "Montessori style" with a lot of Academic Parents (we live on an Industrial Estate round the corner in a terraced house just for clarity lol, furthest from posh and Academic you could possibly imagine)

OP, other parents don’t care how well your kid is doing, how exceptional he is, etc. If asked out of courtesy, respond courteously (read: briefly) and move it along.

Yes thank you...message received loud and clear!

Don't worry everyone. Six pages in and I get it.

No one is really interested, no one cares, other parents are either nosy/competitive or just being polite. Only ever acceptable to answer in any detail to blood relatives. DS is 4 and it's either possible/impossible to tell if he's bright anyway but if he is it'll probably all go to shit when he's older anyway and there'll be a queue of people ready to be gleeful about that if I dare mention anything positive about him in the next 10+yrs. (I'm obviously being a little sarcastic but genuinely I get the message 😁)

I was informed that DD was probably gifted when she was 4. I didn't really paid attention to it. She then attended a school that never made a big deal of it. There were no official gifted and talented group but the school was very good at challenging the more able pupils.

It's when she got the pupil of the year award (115 children) that I thought that maybe shewa

Oops! Special. Secondary school was just the same. teachers saying she was very able, excellent reports, but otherwise it was never really mentioned.

She never had issues making friends. She was of course known for her brains but it didn't define her at all. She mixed very well.

Her career is proving that she is indeed intellectually very superior, but again, no big deal made of it.

I always found that it was other parents who mentioned that she was very bright. In the end, if your child is kind and not bragging, other kids and parents won't show any resentment or anything and you'll get so used to it, you won't feel so inclined to discuss it with others.

Hi OP. I think it's lovely to be proud of your DS but I'm not sure why you need advice on how to speak about him to other parents??? Just say, "all fine thanks." Why is this even a thing?

Many children are pronounced "gifted" in reception for all manner of reasons. Very few remain gifted at 16. They all develop at different times and at different rates in different areas. Just relax and see how he goes. Be proud of him sure, but also be normal.

If someone asked i'd say it's fine but just say he's doing really well. You don't need to go into details of how great he is. I also wouldn't bring it up unless someone does ask.

Yes it definitely has been other parents mentioning it. I really haven't and am the opposite of "inclined to discuss it" I'd rather talk about anything else lol.
I will definitely make sure DS remains grounded. Sounds like your DD has managed that perfectly.

No I haven't, this was in direct response to being put on the spot and asked.