AIBU to ask your experience of having a very bright child?

[MaryShelley1818]

We just had our first parents evening and DS's report was extremely good. (Understatement)
His reading and writing are excellent (never done any of this at home or prior to him starting school 6wks ago). Excellent Maths skills, very good at PE, excellent imagination and creativity, very confident and mature. The teacher said usually children are very academic OR very creative but he literally has it all and is working at the very top end for everything. He's been standing up and speaking in assembly and she has to ask him to put his hand down and let other children answer sometimes as she knows he will know the answer (absolutely fine with this). Also very mature and expressive language.

We don't focus on academics in our house, but more on values of being kind. She said he has a special friendship and bond with a little girl who needs additional help and checks she is ok and has her specialised equipment etc Also he is described as having beautiful manners and being genuinely liked by other children.

So.....After Parents evening other parents were chatting and sharing and I found myself feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable sharing DS's as I didn't want to look like I was bragging or make him (or me) look smug. I found myself really playing it down, and even making up areas that he could improve (DS not there). Is it inevitable that I can't be proud of him or that I'll always have to play his successes down? Am I overthinking? A couple of parents did comment he was very mature and not an "average 4yr old". I don't want him to feel different or feel bad for being intelligent. (Me and DH are average, degree educated but not by any stretch academic).

I know it sounds like a stealth boast but it's really not.

OP your responses to @Bluebellandpansies were aggressive in the extreme and not at all called for. For example, you called her a “nasty person” (which btw is against talk guidelines) , and I don’t recall her calling you any names? I understand you are feeling sensitive, having been given a little bit of a hard time on here, but there is no excuse for lashing out at people . Your OP was somewhat insufferable/ classic PFB, and bluebell was making light. This is AIBU, take your lumps. I think you have learned your lesson. At the end of the day you can still feel happy and proud that your four year old had a lovely first school report, unlike (for example) the pp who was hurt by your post after having just had quite the opposite experience and facing a possible ASD diagnosis. At the end of the day there are ‘problems’ and problems.

I've got one of those and call it a piano. My Mum has the same one and has played piano for 50 years, teaches and completed all grades. Her friend recently changed from acoustic to electric Yamaha and he is a professional pianist and teacher. I doubt either of them refer to their pianos as toys 😂

Encourage them to progress, I skimmed school and it wasn't until my A level exams I realised that I needed to work at stuff, too late and it ruined my life

I’ve taught reception children who could read on entry, write mini stories of 3-4 sentences and were confident enough on a number square to operate in multiplying 2 digit numbers. Generally understood concepts well. The ones I knew and still know grew into pleasant well adjusted young adults with friends. Got into good universities etc.

I’ve also taught kids who struggled heavily in reception. Poor gross motor, verbal dyspraxia even and totally not ready to focus. Turned into extremely bright pleasant children who did very well.

I’ve also taught children who picked up phonics well in reception and had lovely speech, but went on to struggle a little with learning later on.

Two of my own 5 children have not been so extreme but have followed similar patterns. My eldest was that child in school who got it all, grew up and carried on generally doing well. My third was a summer born boy who was the reception delinquent child, no focus and like trying to teach a toddler. Turned into a bright pleasant boy and is excellent academically now he’s older.

I see it as a bit of a rollercoaster, it’s pretty unpredictable in reception. Enjoy your child, make them happy and relax.

I understand and made one of these threads once, and it went the same way.

My middle son is academically very able. He is 16 now. He was a very sensitive and nervy child. He suffered from tics and anxiety. He overcame much of that in Years 7-10, but also hid his intelligence in those years. He did not want to stand out. He loves rugby, XBOX, and house parties. He is arsey as hell and will argue with me about anything. He is a very good boy. I don't worry about him too much anymore.

He is in Year 12 now and hopefully making some kind of peace with what makes him unique. I don't think his intelligence has helped him have an easier life yet. He isn't lazy in that he can hold a Saturday job, but he is lazy with school work.

His older brother is smart but within the normal distribution of intelligence. He works hard and is thriving at an elite university. He was easier to raise than my son who is exceptionally gifted, embarrassed about it, and a bit lazy.

My advise is not to make a fuss about it. He'll find his way and you'll react as you go along.

I've read through the OP again. Nothing suggests you have a very bright child. Lots of children are described in the same way as yours when they start reception. Kids who aren't as advanced now can over take yours by the time they start year 1. There are lots of different abilities in reception, it dosent mean yours will be a genius at 4 just because they are slightly more advanced at 4. One of my son's failed the phonics test, now in year 10 he is in all top sets and getting 7s and 8s in English. You really carnt tell what they will be like 6 weeks into reception.

I respectfully disagree. Her comment was extremely unkind and uncalled for. The post was nasty and I stand by that. I'm certainly not the only one who thought the same.

I wrote a nice reply to the other poster but I can't be held responsible for absolutely every feeling anyone has. That's totally unfair. There would be zero posts on here if that was the case.

Other people having more serious problems doesn't diminish my OP. I've got plenty of them myself.

As for "aggressive in the extreme" Honestly- have one of the many grips I've been handed 🤣

There's increasing number of very average or below average parents who keep hoping or expecting their children turn out to be geniuses. This expectation is unrealistic and puts undue pressure on them. Wouldn't it be nice to just let children be children and let them enjoy their lives like some of our parents let us enjoy our childhood, cause at the end most people are just left with disappointments that their children didn't grow up to be the genius and prodigy they expected them to be.
Also, another point is to realise your own dreams and not push your own dreams onto your kids, seen many of my parents generation doing that as well as my friends caught up in the same cycle. Why not try to be that genius yourself which you expect your child to be.

I'm not sure who your post is aimed at but none of it is relevant to me.
Don't think/want/expect/believe him to be a genius and have repeatedly said this.
Also I left school with a handful of average GCSEs and now have (almost) 2 degrees studied for while working full time and with 2 very young children. I think I'm doing ok 👍🏻

It's not aimed at you. I just responded generally, you are taking it personally btw. There are hundreds of responses here, not everything is aimed at anyone specifically. I don't understand why you constantly feel the need to talk about your personal circumstances.

Why do people keep saying "genius" I've said (repeatedly) the complete opposite.
It was the teacher who said he was extremely bright so tbf I'll take her opinion over yours as you've never met him 😊

Errmmm because it's my thread? I've responded to people who've gave advice/criticism, and answered questions. Surely that's the point lol

Anyway glad to know it wasn't aimed at me. That makes more sense now 😊

To be fair the teacher will have said extremely bright to at least three quarters of her class. Teachers always speak positively but have hidden meanings Eg, they always put their hand up means they should give others a chance, or they always stand up in assembly means the shouldn't be doing that. My child was always described as extremely bright all the way through school even when he failed his phonics test ( but made up for that in later years). Even if you did tell the school parents how your parents evening I can guarantee the teachers said the exact same thing to them about their child, especially as we are talking about reception children. I'm saying don't read to much into it.

He was asked to stand up in assembly - he was given a speaking role. He would never just randomly stand up.

Tbf there's loads of information I haven't included in fear of more ridicule 🤣

I've had enough advice though to keep me on the right path, I understand your point 🙂

But that's not unusual. My 4 year olds where given speaking roles. My 4 year olds also cared for pupils with special needs as did most of the other 4 year olds in their classes. I've had 25 years of parent evenings. They always describe the positive, always say they are extremely bright. Like I said don't read to much into it because I can guarantee the teacher said the same to many other parents.

Sure thing- We’ll agree to disagree that it’s acceptable to call another poster a “nasty person” based on a short post that contained no personal insults of its own.

To clarify- I didn’t mean to suggest you were responsible for every feeling that everyone has, only that your OP was tone deaf and naive/ misguided, for reasons many others have already pointed out.

Op, there is no point defending your position since everyone backs up their own kids/experiences. Fwiw, as I said earlier, I had and have an incredibly bright (scholarships to the top 3 indie schools) son. I saw his brightness from the age of about 2. It was clear by reception. That said, he was not an all rounder at that age. He was exceptionally good at maths. Reading came later, writing very much later eg y5-6. But he was articulate and asked extremely intelligent qus (shockingly mature) from a very young age (age 4 type). So I knew he had potential. Also used to get picked for speaking roles haha, though he wasn’t much of a performer until much later!!

At the end of the day you can still feel happy and proud that your four year old had a lovely first school report, unlike (for example) the pp who was hurt by your post after having just had quite the opposite experience and facing a possible ASD diagnosis.

Some gifted children also have ASCs 🙄 stop stereotyping people on the spectrum.

Op, there is no point defending your position since everyone backs up their own kids/experiences.

I agree. On MN everyone is in a rush to tell people that all kids ‘level out’. Clearly, that isn’t true. If it were, all kids would get the same GCSE results.

My DS was told that in year 9 he was coaster and not as bright as the peers in his class (yes she actually said this) by an English teacher during parents evening !!

lol he received all grade 9’s and 8’s in his GCSE’s so good for him he worked his butt off

The teacher who branded him a coaster really wanted him to take her subject at a level because in the end he was one of the most respectful and kind students who took their education very seriously and never disrespected the teachers or messed around in class

lesson: don’t listen too much to what some teachers say go by what your child is actually able to do 👍

I could have written your post - I think we're in a parallel universe😀. My DD used to regularly pee herself in KS1 because she would not ask to go to the toilet. Was virtually selectively mute which was pretty much an unknown condition at the time. Investigated for various special needs. Nothing particularly showed up. Came into her own from Yr 10 (still not chatty though!). Ended up with 8x9 and 2x8 (CAG's) and then 4xA* in maths, FM, comp sci and physics from a bog standard comp and managed to get a place at Oxford (started this Oct). You just never know how things are going to pan out.

Forgot to say she was also an end of August birthday and born prematurely to boot.

Hi OP, this post won't answer your original question but gives a few other suggestions FWIW. Your little one sounds a lot like my older child, concerning whom we received similar reports all the way through primary school. She is now 14, and doing very well academically and socially - but she now suffers from extreme perfectionism with all the issues that entails. So in case it helps: 1. As a pp has said, focus on effort and process as your son gets older "I saw how closely you focused on doing that assignment, I'm proud of you for working hard". "An A is a good result. What do you think helped you to get there?". 2. Choose one area eg maths and then repeatedly extend the child until they fail, then encourage persistence and resilience, and 'learning how to learn'. Really bright kids are often scared of failure when they get older as they don't experience it enough as children. 3. Ask everyone at dinner every night "What did you fail at today?" followed by "And what is one thing you learned from that?" and treat failure as a really good thing to be celebrated, not as something to be ashamed of. Giving your clever child a growth mindset will be one of the greatest things you can do. 4. If you can, work on your own worries about others' judgement. I'm also overly sensitive to that and have passed it onto my child, doing her a huge disservice. I'm not intending to have a pop at you at all, just sharing the things I wish I'd done better for my bright child.

Hey, Ofc gifted people can have ASC. No stereotyping at all in my post as I made no generalisations. I was merely referencing the particular experience of a pp.