AIBU to ask your experience of having a very bright child?

[MaryShelley1818]

We just had our first parents evening and DS's report was extremely good. (Understatement)
His reading and writing are excellent (never done any of this at home or prior to him starting school 6wks ago). Excellent Maths skills, very good at PE, excellent imagination and creativity, very confident and mature. The teacher said usually children are very academic OR very creative but he literally has it all and is working at the very top end for everything. He's been standing up and speaking in assembly and she has to ask him to put his hand down and let other children answer sometimes as she knows he will know the answer (absolutely fine with this). Also very mature and expressive language.

We don't focus on academics in our house, but more on values of being kind. She said he has a special friendship and bond with a little girl who needs additional help and checks she is ok and has her specialised equipment etc Also he is described as having beautiful manners and being genuinely liked by other children.

So.....After Parents evening other parents were chatting and sharing and I found myself feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable sharing DS's as I didn't want to look like I was bragging or make him (or me) look smug. I found myself really playing it down, and even making up areas that he could improve (DS not there). Is it inevitable that I can't be proud of him or that I'll always have to play his successes down? Am I overthinking? A couple of parents did comment he was very mature and not an "average 4yr old". I don't want him to feel different or feel bad for being intelligent. (Me and DH are average, degree educated but not by any stretch academic).

I know it sounds like a stealth boast but it's really not.

Thank you for all the kind advice, experience and comments. He's my oldest so zero experience of this.

I definitely don't think he's a genius or prodigy.
I'm definitely an overthinker.
I'll definitely just keep my mouth shut and stuck with vague "yes, he's doing well" comments.

And yes, it was a genuine question....I don't think it's possible to brag on an anonymous forum because no one knows me so how would that work? Also thanks for the classic brutal AIBU insults, made me smile 😃

Only thing I would say. And this isn't intended to be a downer. But in my experience in reception how 'good' parents evening is, is more about how well behaved/enthusiastic your child is than them being Einstein intelligent. So a child who is meeting the teachers expectations, doing fine, behaving nicely, engaging in class, will get a lovely glowing report that they are 'doing really well'. Because they are, generally speaking, they are settling in brilliantly and doing all that's asked of them.
You don't really find out til later on if your kid is truly bright, unless your kid is SO far ahead that it's perfectly obvious before they start school that they will be ahead - some kids anyone could see they will be way ahead.

Very funny. For this not being a stealth boast, you go into quite a lot of detail.

You won’t be the only parent who has been told at parents’ eve that their child is doing extremely well. Not saying your son isn’t outstandingly clever, just putting it into perspective.

Always best to steal clear of discussing academic progress with other parents. I usually just say ‘thanks, they’re doing well / enjoying it’ and then change the subject.

Other people's experiences won't necessarily be yours (or your DS's) though OP. I'm not saying your DS isn't a very bright, or possibly even gifted child, but it seems a little early to be concerned about that. You could end up putting undue pressure on him, or on yourself. Just be happy there are no concerns and he's settling in well and if you're asked about parents evening or how he's doing say just that - "he's settling in really well thanks". You don't have to make up faults or difficulties or apologise for it and you don't have to go into detail and risk being accused of bragging.

Yes - and I was really annoyed at people I genuinely thought they were jealous!!!! I was very young and knew nothing really about babies and children - so I didn’t realise her development wasn’t quiet as it should be. She was hugely advanced in speech and understanding and then very behind in other areas. I felt very offended at baby groups as people just looked horrified and I thought I was being judged but looking back and since having other dc I can see how strange dd must have appeared

I have parented children for the past (nearly) 20 years. There is no calling how genuinely bright a child is at 4 so I would take the long view on this OP and just smile, nod and use the 'never complain, never explain' adage in case you look silly later on and your DS is in the middle of the bell curve (there is absolutely value in being in the middle of that curve btw).

You have had the piss taken out of you enough OP so I will answer your initial question.
You May have to downplay their achievements, when other parents are comparing their children’s test results etc it’s best not to join in.
If you child passes the 11+ be careful when commiserating with the parents of Dc who didn’t - they WILL ask how your child did and they WONT be happy for you/them
If they get offered a scholarship to a Private school just accept that some Mums you considered to be friends will bitch about you, that’s ok though, it shows who your real friends are

Also be aware that very bright kids may have some SN and can have issues with friendships etc. They can also be perfectionists that struggle to cope with failure

No need to lie or to brag. Just simply tell people who ask “we are very pleased that DS is doing well and enjoying school”

I don't think it's possible to brag on an anonymous forum

You may not have been doing it, but it is perfectly possible.
On the Primary Education board in July there will be posts saying 'I don't understand the y6 SATs results. My DC got 118, 120, 120 is that OK?'

It is always the parents of the high scorers who don't understand SATs.
No one ever posts about scores in the 90s asking if they are OK.

I remember there was a mother who apologised to everyone and said she hoped we all didn't feel bad... that her son was so obviously outperforming all the o

Just say he's fine and doing well. No need to make stuff up.

My only other advice would be to resist the temptation to hot house him at this age. I'm not suggesting you have been - but when they're fast learners it's easy to do and it's tempting.

There is a risk that little ones who are way ahead of the main group tend to get bored in reception. You want him to feel challenged and that he's achieving goals alongside his friends while he's this young. It's about balance.

If the school is a good one they'll push him when the time is right.

Wow, amazing! Bet that was so strange!! Most are saying their first word around then.

We had similar feedback. I asked the teacher if she'd got the right child because my DD at home is a nightmare and nothing like the pleasant smart child she described. Mrs Smith didn't find the question as amusing as I did. Oops.

To the parents I'm just "yeah she's loving school, settled in well, tired before half term though". They've probably got similar comments about their kids. I wouldn't give it more than a minutes worth of thought.

Take him to the library and let him read whatever he wants and ensure he plays outside at least 1 hour every day.

DD(8) is similar OP. She's brilliant academically, has loads of friends and just does well at everything she puts her hand to - music, sports of all guises, art, wins all sorts of competitions, etc.

This past year she had her first 'failure' (I wouldn't actually call it that, but she didn't do as well in something as she usually did). She took it HARD. I realised that I had inadvertently been praising the outcome for her rather than the effort - whereas with DS6, who has a lot more struggles in his life due to SEN, I have always really focused on praising the effort.

Long story short - praise the effort. Focus on a growth mindset. All kids will slip at some point and you don't want it to be a big deal when they do.

As for other parents, only my very close Mum friends know all of DD's successes (they've known her since she was a baby, when she was nicknamed Stewie because she was a very early conversationalist). The school Mums don't really know anything other than what gets shared in the school newsletter.

Wind your neck in 🤣🤣🤣
Brilliant, very helpful indeed thank you.
You can have the best post on the thread award (just don't tell anyone in case it looks like you're boasting)

Haha yes. There was one mum at primary who without fail every report day or parents evening would be gushing on FB about how proud she was of her DD, what a wonderful child they'd said she was and how she was exceeding all expectations.

According to DD, she was a bit of a bully and mediocre academically 😂

Im an Early Years teacher. Just a few thoughts

Other parents will probe or show off so a ‘He’s doing well thanks’ is enough.

Get an idea of what he can do so you can fully understand his strengths. Teachers vary in how they notice/miss things or how they talk up/down achievements. My daughter had a very enthusiastic reception teacher who told me how she was exceeding in quite a few areas, yet a couple of years later and she’s not as ahead as she was.

You mentioned he helps a child with additional needs, which is kind but can he make friends rather than being in the helper role? Often bright children struggle to relate to their peers who seem more immature! Can he make mistakes? Can he persevere with something he finds hard? All children have areas to work on and a good EYFS teacher will highlight these to you.

This.
it’s not difficult to understand that it is essentially a private matter and that also other parents may be dealing all manner of school worries for their kids that you may also have to face in the future and it is polite and appropriate to just say the minimum. You don’t have to lie you just don’t give a rundown of it all. Just comment he’s settled well and ask them how their child enjoys the school lunches or something to make conversation.

It isn’t some huge drama and hardship for you to have to hold all that gushing praise inside - you just find it frustrating they arent letting you brag.
Try and imagine yourself as the parent of a child who is struggling to settle and think how much information you would want about another child who isn’t struggling in their shoes.

I have no idea why reception teachers set new parents up like this suggesting they have academically superior kids six weeks in. It’s like they see some parents coming and reel them in.

Crux is he’s kind, friendly, engaged and coping with the work well. Great. You should be really pleased and can give him lots of praise and encouragement.
Next term it may be different. You roll with it over the 13 academic years.

Thank you, that's really useful advice. Will definitely make sure I do this.

I just didn’t realise for quite a while that it was abnormal development I think in my mind talking was a good thing. I lived with my parents and sister so dd had a lot of adult interaction and I’d put it down to that and just really was offended when people would look so visibly horrified or scared at this tiny baby having conversations or asking them questions etc . I wish I’d realised sooner it was possibly due to a problem

Just say that you are really happy that he has settled in so well, likes his teacher, is happy and making friends. Anything else to be honest is a bonus for a reception child because these are the important factors that will support his development , confidence and future learning.

I was obviously right to play it down judging my some of these comments.

You missed the point people were making OP @MaryShelley1818

You don't need to drill down to that depth in discussing with other pupils parents what DS has done well on exactly and what level he has attained. What teacher says to you is just for you.

It's not vague to reply "he's doing well" "good report, no worries" . It's just showing self awareness and why do other parents need to know which reading level he's at and whether he can count to 10 by colouring in 7 balloons! ? ( He's only 4 fgs!)

Learn to avoid the parents trying to compare what level reading or maths your child is attaining at school , a. It's NOTB and b. They sound competitive parents if they try, or start boasting about their child themselves. Makes for big headed children who can become less pleasant characters as they get older if the parents don't reign it in.

Always good to be wise.

Just think of it as something you don't have to worry about now- trust me parents evening can be stressful for some if us who's little angel is anything but 🙈.
Encourage his enthusiasm and be proud of him op and he'll go far ☺️. Don't mention parents evening and if anyone else does you've been given lots of advice for responses already!
Also, some of the other parents will soon know if your child is bright/ a high achiever, some kids love to report things like that and news travels fast!

You've nailed it here. After the first parents eve at least 85% of the parents of kids in my DC classes came away convinced their child was 'one of the top end' or 'a bright one'. In reality, most kids are normal. There's a spectrum of ability and even those kids who can pick stuff up quickly in the early years can have weaknesses emerge later on.
By the start of secondary with the exception of a few kids with recognised SEN or learning difficulties, there's not much in it between the rest!