AIBU to ask your experience of having a very bright child?

[MaryShelley1818]

We just had our first parents evening and DS's report was extremely good. (Understatement)
His reading and writing are excellent (never done any of this at home or prior to him starting school 6wks ago). Excellent Maths skills, very good at PE, excellent imagination and creativity, very confident and mature. The teacher said usually children are very academic OR very creative but he literally has it all and is working at the very top end for everything. He's been standing up and speaking in assembly and she has to ask him to put his hand down and let other children answer sometimes as she knows he will know the answer (absolutely fine with this). Also very mature and expressive language.

We don't focus on academics in our house, but more on values of being kind. She said he has a special friendship and bond with a little girl who needs additional help and checks she is ok and has her specialised equipment etc Also he is described as having beautiful manners and being genuinely liked by other children.

So.....After Parents evening other parents were chatting and sharing and I found myself feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable sharing DS's as I didn't want to look like I was bragging or make him (or me) look smug. I found myself really playing it down, and even making up areas that he could improve (DS not there). Is it inevitable that I can't be proud of him or that I'll always have to play his successes down? Am I overthinking? A couple of parents did comment he was very mature and not an "average 4yr old". I don't want him to feel different or feel bad for being intelligent. (Me and DH are average, degree educated but not by any stretch academic).

I know it sounds like a stealth boast but it's really not.

Wow! He sounds amazing.
I certainly don't think he's showing any signs of genius...more just currently working at the top end but like everyone else has said possibly more likely to his age/confidence so we'll see.

We have an end terrace Edwardian House so consequently a huge roof space with full head height, we converted the attic (sorry loft!) during lockdownto into a playroom/office. This houses mostly Lego, a computer desk and computer, the piano (electric piano from Argos - nothing flash if that makes you feel better!), a sofa bed, ton of other crap/train table, Toy kitchen, IKEA Poang chair etc etc
Do you really not know anyone who's had a loft/attic conversion? That's very strange.
I've got quite a few FB friends on here from the birth groups when I had my children who could probably confirm if it's really troubling you.

Thank you, that's lovely 😊 xx

Just don't worry about it or think about it. Do exactly the same as you would if they'd said he wasn't doing so well. Praise him and encourage him. Stretch him further. Don't even think about the other parents. I've never told anybody what my child's report says or mentioned comments from parents evening. If anybody asks how it went, just give an answer which gives nothing away. "Yeah, all fine thanks, how was yours?".

Thank you...I try and take the deliberately nasty comments with a pinch of salt. A lot of people lash out when very unhappy with their own lives. I don't mind a stern reality check but a couple have been a bit OTT 😂

You're seriously far too late for that comment, we'd established all that by page two 🤣🤣

I don't think it's been ridiculous at all, I've found it really really helpful and lots of people have shared their experiences good and bad. I think I'll make many worse mistakes than one evening of overthinking in my life.

OP, I have found that most children who are initially bright at reception aren't necessarily still the brightest by A'level or Uni.

I doubt your child is anything special.
Ds1 has just gone to uni with good grades. He's met some very bright people already. At his school, which is just the local Catholic school, a large proportion of children got all A*'s at A'level. Many Uni courses require AAA, And many thousands of kids get that to get in.

So it's not that unusual. Not that big a deal.

Seems very sad to me how many adults are happy to dismiss and write off children doing well just because they're young. Why does it matter if he ends up being distinctly average, or even below average. He's doing great right now so we're pleased with him.

"I doubt your child is anything special" is just a grim thing to say.

Being bright isn't that great. (Not that I'd know because I never was, totally barely average at most things!). But once you leave Uni with a degree you are the same as every other graduate.

Unless you are world class, unlikely, the next Ronaldo or Mozart, what benefit does being exceptionally bright have for the rest of your life? Not that much I suggest.

Your best bet is to play it down and be non committal to other parents. If your child is super bright and stays that way through primary school you will learn to keep quiet about it.

Sporting success it’s fine to brag about though 😂 never understood why that was okay.

Make sure the school is able to help them with more advanced work if necessary (for my DC this meant changing school as they couldn’t provide work for her when she was at year 3 level at year 1.) Let them have enough downtime, if they are interested in extra curricular activities that’s great but don’t drag them to two an evening. Keep an eye on friendships as they may struggle to relate to other children their age at times. Being passably good at a team sport will help them fit in.

And bear in mind that they can be advanced for a bit and then it evens out, and truthfully it isn’t an easy ride being the parent of a super bright child. Even if you don’t talk about it other parents find out (I discovered that if my dc went to a friends house for tea the mum there would sneak a peek in the reading folder to see what book she was on. As she was reading Charlottes Web by the end of reception that became great gossip apparently 🙄)

Basically I just kept quiet and downplayed it for years, which she appreciated as she got older as it helped her fit in. I learnt to talk about her with non school mum friends. These days she’s through school and uni and I don’t play down her achievements as much!

My dc’s reception teacher nipped all this kind of char in the bud by focusing on how little our reception children could do and how rubbish they all were, the parents all needed to support each other the next morning - one parent - more experienced than the rest of us as she was on her third child, asked at the end of the meeting if her ds had learning difficulties - oh no! the teacher said - he’s incredibly bright!

There was a mum who's son was in my eldest's class who used to brag constantly in reception about how her son was the brightest boy and he was so bored in reception as he could already read everything and his maths was amazing etc..... the constant (not stealth) bragging was draining, I used to really feel for the teacher as she was constantly on at her as she didn't feel her son was stretched enough. The only thing was her son had no resilience, was very clingy to his mum and he also didn't really know how to play with other kids. By the time they got to year 2 and the others had caught up she seemed very put out as her son suddenly wasn't the only bright one and is lack of social skills with other children, and his lack of resilience really showed through.

I often wonder how he did (we moved from the school as we moved house) in the end (now adults)

OP just relax about it all, you don't have to tell anyone just say he's settled really well. That's it.

I was just trying to give you some perspective. Clearly you didn't like that!

Most/many of the dc at my sons (very normal school) school have literally everything going for them: nice, incredibly bright, good looking, affluent families, nice friends, good at sport, can do extras like play an instrument well. Most of them have nothing lacking. Off they go to uni. They are nothing special. Everyone there is the same!

Sorry if you don't like that view.

I've had 12 pages of perspective, think I've taken it all quite well actually 😁
Just not a phrase I would use about a child. It's a bit "race to the bottom" for me. I think all children are special in different ways. Not that if they're all doing well that means none of them are anything special.
We'll have to agree to disagree on terminology but I get your point as I've acknowledged on this thread a lot already.

I had a DS like this, absolutely took off. Ended up with scholarships and top up bursaries to both prep and senior independent school( we are poor and at that time very poor!) At 15 he developed MH problems and now in his 30s still giving me sleepless nights. He is highly intelligent, widely read and a natural athlete, still has bouts of homelessness. Although he has managed to keep jobs fortunately.

Early promise is just that, no indicator of the future. Enjoy your little one and live for the moment.

I’m from a large family- we all did well.Mum said she found that she could never say how we were getting on as others were funny with her( even if she’d been asked directly!)
It’s funny how people are happy to share sporting excellence but it’s somehow shameful to be academic!

I think you just say, "he's doing fine, thanks." Some people love to try to work out where their kids are in the class, so you may get people discussing in more detail. Additionally, some people may have concerns about their child's progress and want to seek support.

I've never known Top Tables in reception, although in the school I work at, we"d never refer to Top Table etc anyway.
It's where a child is in their own personal development which is important. All kids have strengths and weaknesses.

Just encourage your child to be a decent person with time for others and an understanding of difference.

Why on earth would you assume he is an only child?

I think when they are little the intelligence shows more. Mine were like this and although v intelligent still, it balances out when they get older usually. I never told anyone how they were doing apart from family but then no other parents asked.

She will have been doing maths through play.

OP - your DS sounds absolutely wonderful - you’re right to feel proud. I think the “he’s doing well, thanks” advice is good.

I also think you’ve responded reasonably & with good humour to some unnecessarily cruel comments!

Hope your DS continues to thrive at school.

Is he an autumn born baby because if so, some of this cleverness might disappear as he gets older. I recall the two cleverest DC (both September born) in DC1's Reception class were both streets ahead of everyone until they got to Yr 2 when they quite markedly started losing their 'lead'.

My DD was exactly the same - lasted til Year 5 then a spectacular free fall into averageness

Thank you very much, that's really kind 😊

Yes, he's a winter baby so very possibly the case!