AIBU to ask your experience of having a very bright child?

[MaryShelley1818]

We just had our first parents evening and DS's report was extremely good. (Understatement)
His reading and writing are excellent (never done any of this at home or prior to him starting school 6wks ago). Excellent Maths skills, very good at PE, excellent imagination and creativity, very confident and mature. The teacher said usually children are very academic OR very creative but he literally has it all and is working at the very top end for everything. He's been standing up and speaking in assembly and she has to ask him to put his hand down and let other children answer sometimes as she knows he will know the answer (absolutely fine with this). Also very mature and expressive language.

We don't focus on academics in our house, but more on values of being kind. She said he has a special friendship and bond with a little girl who needs additional help and checks she is ok and has her specialised equipment etc Also he is described as having beautiful manners and being genuinely liked by other children.

So.....After Parents evening other parents were chatting and sharing and I found myself feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable sharing DS's as I didn't want to look like I was bragging or make him (or me) look smug. I found myself really playing it down, and even making up areas that he could improve (DS not there). Is it inevitable that I can't be proud of him or that I'll always have to play his successes down? Am I overthinking? A couple of parents did comment he was very mature and not an "average 4yr old". I don't want him to feel different or feel bad for being intelligent. (Me and DH are average, degree educated but not by any stretch academic).

I know it sounds like a stealth boast but it's really not.

Sign up for football club, not just extra-curricular music lessons! Brilliant for integrating and a kid’s self esteem. Feel so sorry for children who are pushed, pushed, pushed out of school and not doing what their peers are doing or having time to relax.

Last word, he ? I'll leave it to you. No doubt it was it was lost. Lol. Happy that you are having a laugh. Good day OP.😀

It might fit but you would NEVER put a piano on anything other than the ground floor unless you house was purpose built 🤣

My oldest was considered gifted and talented at primary school and we were told she was so bright they actually struggled to teach her. She went to secondary school with very high predicted grades which she struggled more and more to live up to and scraped through her GCSES and then got diagnosed with ADHD during lockdown and A levels where it became really apparent that she struggled to learn/ remember facts and figures. She had a very active mind and very creative so was great at primary level. Our youngest had always been a clingy child with very high anxiety levels and very literal black and white thinker. I suspect she might be autistic but she does not want to be labelled. She just got 11 GCSEs grade 9 at a normal comprehensive school so incredibly bright but struggles massively with social anxiety and spent much of last night sobbing in my bed about life at college with no friends.
Our son, in the middle of these 2, really struggled at primary and they thought he might be dyslexic. His writing was poor. He could think up stories to tell you but not get them down on paper. Lots of concerns but he bumbled along. We had so many dramas with the girls that he got a bit overlooked and he just plodded along with very average grades. He is now doing maths, computer science and chemistry at A level and getting A grades in his mocks and planning to apply for a computing degree at St Andrews University.
What I have learnt from all this is that the 3 different levels of education are very different. By sixth form a child can focus on what they love and really shine. A very bright child will often struggle with social interactions and this can make life really hard. Some signs of extreme brightness can be indicators of other things, in our case ADHD and possibly autism.
And I agree with those who suggest just giving vague answers to other parents.
The only people I have told about the 11 x 9's at GCSE are my parents and one close friend who pushed me for details when I tried to get away with just saying we were pleased!

It’s a loft. And no, that’s very much NOT a piano!

Ah, so he’s 4. Okay. You have an able child. So just support him, follow the teachers lead - he’s too young to be given hothouse treatment.
just tell people he’s doing well, teachers were positive. End of. No need to elaborate to anyone but his grandparents etc who would actually be interested.
My DS was similar at that age. Now has issues around boredom, focus, but at least his social skills are good. We know many bright children who struggle in other areas - mental health, socially.
having a kid bright enough to wonder why and if they exist at age 10 isn’t always a good thing…

make sure you D.C. has lots of social activities, sport etc has a balance.
The Mensa Paradox exists - brainy people who live completely tonal, full lives even.

PurpleWisteria1 - Lots of houses in the UK have attics! Can't believe you don't know this. A loft is a roof space accessed by a loft hatch, whereas an attic is a room at the top of a house accessed by stairs.

OP, your thread is totally justified because it shows exactly how unpleasant sine people become the moment you mention your child extra ability.

So you are right to approach it all with caution. Even though it was never an issue, I always felt a bit worried answering people's question about my child because it always that I couldn't give them the answer they were really after.

I remember one mum who I knew was very into her kids education, wanting them to be at the top, competitive etc..., asking how my DD had found a math test. I was frozen because my DD had just told me she'd found it very easy. If I was honest, I was bragging. If I lied and said she also found it difficult, I would have come as bragging to when they'd found she'd got too marks. So I just say I didn't know as she hadn't mentioned it. Even then it felt a bit like bragging but not as much.

So you do constantly have to think before answering and it's a bit annoying but once you get it right and people know that you really are not a bragger, it really is ok.

My DD was similarly bright in P1 - however I would say most of her peers have caught up now. I think she was just a bit more mature than some of her classmates & able to apply herself to learning which can be difficult for some children at a young age! She is still achieving what she needs to be but there is no massive difference between her & the other kids. Her teachers also comment on her kindness etc I think that's the part to be most proud of IMO - some children are definitely more empathetic but when they're 4 it really is about what you're showing and teaching them at home. So his academic prowess may or may not last, but you will always be proud of how kind he is. As an aside to this I was a bright child, I was 2 years ahead for literacy & moved up in primary school - I now have a low paid health care job & instead of going to uni I decided to travel.. so being bright doesn't equal success!

It's an electrical piano 🎹
Can I ask genuinely why does it bother you? Surely it's a great invention for those who don't have the space/money for a traditional one?

On the advice of his reception teacher many moons ago, we’ve really worked on finding things he will find difficult so that he learns what it’s like not to be able to do something. In his case, swimming hasn’t come easily to him and it has been good for him to have to work at something and experience ‘failure’.

My son in this category definitely finds it hard if he encounters something he thinks he can't do as he's used to coasting through and finding it all easy. He's improved at not panicking and taking his time to work it out but he used to not bother and give up.

He's also very disorganised around school admin (although, again, not projects that interest him) and isn't as resilient emotionally as his brother.

My other son was slow to read but is organised and highly conscientious. He's ended up getting exam grades that his brother won't be able to beat (not something we talk about, other than my mother who keeps mentioning it!). He's also a lot easier to parent so definitely swings and roundabouts...

I'm sorry but I can't make head nor tail of your last post. Probably wise to re-read stuff before clicking send 😉
I'm not sure replying to people is "last word he" whatever that means. You should have said if you just wanted to make your bitter little comment without anyone having the right to respond. I might be an overthinker but I'm not a pushover and will stand up for myself when needed.

In my experience of 25 years in total going to parents evening for my kids, the teachers put a positive spin on everything Eg, always puts there hand I up really means they need to give others a chance. Always standing up and talking in assembly either means they need to give others a chance or he shouldn't be talking or standing in assembly. You need to decode what the teacher actually means.

Well I guess so. But it’s not a piano. It’s a keyboard.
My career is in playing the piano so it just winds me up I guess.
A piano has hammers and strings. It’s a stringed instrument, not a plug in electrical toy.

Firstly, you're allowed to feel proud of your son. Navigating other parents is a skill you'll pick up quickly, humble is a good look that will get you and your son a long way, but it sounds like you've picked that up already.

If he continues to progress more quickly than his peer group, you'll have a few challenges to think carefully about. His 'difference' will become apparent to his friends, probably around year 3 or 4, and if he's got good teachers who help him and his friends navigate that difference, that will help. Keep an eye out for changing friendships at this stage. Maybe think about exposing him to out of school activities that involve a different peer group than his school friends, so he's got other social circles.

Absolutely agree with the advice to help him find activities that he finds more challenging and needs to work at. Not yet, but towards the end of primary age, keep an eye out for activities he shies away from, and think about why that might be. Definitely encourage some physical activities, ideally some team sports if you can.

Not one to worry about yet, but take a deep breath when you get to teenage years - and this may well be earlier than you expect. If your son is a curious, questioning type, you may find your every request and decision challenged - not through defiance or naughtiness, but a genuine desire to understand exactly how their ever expanding world works. Be prepared for every parenting inconsistency to be thrown back at you, and don't be afraid to admit mistakes and talk about the important balance of heart vs head.

Find something that can join you all together as a family - board games, music, geo caching, paddle boarding - something that brings everyone together on a level - and turn to it when times are challenging for any of you (especially your other child!).

It can be a bumpy ride at times, but having a kid who makes you wonder every day is a massive privilege. If you can, find other parents in a similar situation - being able to talk honestly without that feeling as if you're bragging is so helpful. And enjoy it (quietly, of course!)

My DC got 12 x grade 9's at GCSE, 4 xA* at A level and now at a top Uni. Their talents were picked up in primary school (along with diagnosis for ADHD, ASD and anxiety).

If your child is truly G&T I would be less worried about how I say "Little Jimmy is doing just fine thank you" and be more worried about the pressure, fear of failure and what might drive them in the future to remain "top".

As for your question, just say "all good thank you". Truth is, others parents don't give a shit, they're just being nosey, Anything else will appear to be a stealth brag.

It's not a toy. I bought it as an adult to learn on.
A keyboard I believe is completely different and has different functions.
This literally just plays music with no fancy stuff.

It is called a "piano" by the manufacturer, just calling it what it is. It wasn't my choice of description.

Understand you've strong feelings though if it's your career you're clearly passionate about it. You could have explained all that without first calling me a liar though, and then secondly being so scathing about the fact my piano isn't good enough to be called one?

Great advice, thank you so much for such a detailed post, I appreciate it.

6 weeks into reception there's no way to judge whether a child is going to be a high academic achiever. It's easy to quickly spot the children who are likely to struggle, and the rare ones who are prodigies, but really a 6 week snapshot of a 4 year old is not very revealing or helpful in predicting future accomplishments.

I was "gifted and talented" as a child. My very strong advice - if your child does turn out to be a high achiever at school - would be to not make your child's intellect or academic ability central to their identity. It's an enormous amount of pressure to be under. My family really ballsed it up, although I know it came from a good place. They were just proud of me, but being constantly told how clever you are and how good at everything you are does eventually give you the impression that this is where all your value lies. I was a very anxious child and inwardly terrified of not doing well at something, although my mum says she didn't realise I felt this way. I have made lots of bad choices in life because I didn't want to take risks. I only did things that I knew I would succeed at. Probably the biggest example being that I did a course at uni that just wasn't right for me at all, because I knew I'd fly through it. The course I should have done, which would have opened up doors to incredible things, felt too risky and the idea of not succeeding was just too frightening. I've had similar experiences in jobs.

As with the vast majority of gifted youth, I actually just turned out to be a very ordinary adult. On a par with other adults who've been fortunate enough to go through a good education system. But still those hang ups from my childhood are hard to shake off so I always feel not good enough. I haven't lived up to the expectations I felt people placed on me.

My daughter is a high achiever at school and is basically the same as I was. I am very careful with the way I handle this. I always, without fail, praise her for her effort NOT her output. Every single time. I try and encourage activities that I know she doesn't find easy, like sports, because it's important to me that she learns the goal is not always to be the best; it's to have fun and to learn something new. I make sure she knows that being good at writing or maths or spelling is not even close to being the most interesting or valuable thing about her by not making a big deal of it. I tell her every day that she is funny, that she is a good friend, that she's a brilliant sister etc.

Don't fall down the trap of making your child's achievements all about your pride in them. Easily done because of course we all love our kids and are proud of them.

Oh bless you. Fair play to you. I think you’ve taken it really well.

I won’t repeat the advice but I think you’ve got it! The main thing is to never really say much, just smile and nod. Said as a mum of a now 18 year old….
I do just want to to pick up on the thing about having PND and being a terrible mother, that made me feel so sad for you as I really sympathise.

Yep. She’s describing an attic. A loft is a loft, as mama says. An electronic keyboard, I’d also describe as a piano, in shorthand, if it’s set up to behave like one (on a frame, with a piano seat). HTH

Is it a full size one, OP (ie. does it have 88 keys?)

It is, it's described as a "Yamaha Digital Piano" I bought digital so I could control the volume and wouldn't annoy our lovely neighbours as their son has ASD and is sensitive to noise.
Turns out I shouldn't have bothered as I'm seriously untalented!! 🤣🤣

Thank you, yes it has legs and a piano seat so "looks like" an upright piano, and according to Yamaha is a Digital Piano.