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AIBU?

To insist on DD name change?

199 replies

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:24

My DD has just turned 3 and has my DP's surname. On the night before she was born (by arranged C-section), my DP proposed and I thought things couldn't get any more perfect. Given that we were going to be married, I registered her birth and gave her (what I thought would be) our family name.

We booked our wedding for Spring 2020 and my parents paid for all of the deposits, my dress etc. (DP's parents not on the scene). Of course with Covid, we thought postponing the wedding would be the most sensible thing to do and most suppliers agreed to transfer deposits over to a new date.

I should say at this point that we have a generally good relationship, we are in the process of buying a new house and I am currently pregnant with DC2. The wedding/ family name issue has however become a major bone of contention and I am so so upset by it all. DP now acts as though he doesn't want to marry me. I have tried so many times to sit down and have a sensible discussion with him about how important it is to me to have the same family name. Previously I avoided the issue to avoid rocking the boat, but it has become so upsetting for me I can't let it go.

At any mention of the wedding or rearranging a date or family name, he immediately becomes visibly annoyed and comes up with excuse after excuse. He makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong for bringing it up. I have reiterated time and time again that I don't care about a big wedding, all I care about is being a family with the same name, and have suggested just going to the registry office, but he is still evasive. I feel so ashamed that I don't seem to be worthy of being his wife and it's really embarrassing having to make excuses to everyone who asks when our new date will be. I feel ridden with guilt that my parents have spent all this money and he doesn't care. Any discussion at all about the issue results in him storming off. He repeatedly says 'we will get married.. one day' but he's fobbing me off.

After a further attempt tonight to have a discussion about what it means to me, I finally had enough (not sure if pregnancy hormones!!) and said I want DD's name to be changed to double barrel to include my surname. He said 'do what you like.' I have the forms prepared and ready to go. I would never have registered her this way if I thought for a second he wouldn't see his proposal through. I'm so upset by this whole thing and really keen to get it resolved one way or another before the arrival off DC2. AIBU?

Please be kind to me; currently crying in the bath!!

OP posts:
Guavafish1 · 18/10/2022 20:28

Double barrel or take his name off.

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2022 20:33

Of course YANBU.
If you want the same name, go for it you cant force him to do anything but you can be proactive yourself.

sandytooth · 18/10/2022 20:33

I'd change it to yours of you can. He's told you to do what you like and sounds like he doesn't want to marry you.

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2022 20:34

And stop making excuses for him when people ask.
Say it as it is. He hasn't decided on a date yet. Done.

40andfit · 18/10/2022 20:35

Does she know her own surname? At that age my first did and it wouldn’t have been fair on her but I’m sure with my second it wouldn’t have been a huge issue for her.

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:36

40andfit · 18/10/2022 20:35

Does she know her own surname? At that age my first did and it wouldn’t have been fair on her but I’m sure with my second it wouldn’t have been a huge issue for her.

No she definitely doesn't know it! X

OP posts:
grey12 · 18/10/2022 20:37

Q1 - Is he the father?

Q2 - what is the common naming rule in your culture?

If 1 is yes, then double barrel

KitchiHuritAngeni · 18/10/2022 20:37

It would probably be less of a headache to change your last name to your dds tbh.

Discovereads · 18/10/2022 20:37

You’ve done the right thing changing the surname.
But you have to face the larger question of can you stay with him without marriage?

PurpleBananas22 · 18/10/2022 20:38

100% do it. Either double barrel or your surname only.

Sorry but your DP sounds like a knob.

Sapphire387 · 18/10/2022 20:38

If he's not bothered and will sign the form, change it to yours only, and give DC2 your surname. I wouldn't buy a house with him either.

debbs77 · 18/10/2022 20:38

He would need to actually give permission for her name to be changed though.

I'd change my own surname in that situation. I actually double barrelled my own surname to include his, then mine x

Dacadactyl · 18/10/2022 20:38

The new baby would be taking my surname only. If he marries you then you can change it.

I'm not sure what I'd do about the eldest childs name though.

How dare he do this to you.

Dacadactyl · 18/10/2022 20:39

debbs77 · 18/10/2022 20:38

He would need to actually give permission for her name to be changed though.

I'd change my own surname in that situation. I actually double barrelled my own surname to include his, then mine x

In no qay would u change my surname to include the name of a man who didn't think I was good enough to marry. Don't do that OP.

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2022 20:39

I should say at this point that we have a generally good relationship

Any discussion at all about the issue results in him storming off

He said 'do what you like

OP I wouldn't call that a generally good relationship. He dismisses you, ignores you and refuses to engage with you about a previously made decision. He seems to not respect you or your needs/wants at all.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/10/2022 20:39

Just use your name.

And decide if you actually want to be in a relationship with someone who sounds as if he has one foot out.

Leeds2 · 18/10/2022 20:39

I would change her surname to just yours, no double barrelling. And give your surname alone to your unborn.

HighlandPony · 18/10/2022 20:40

Surnames aside the route cause of this is the marriage is it not? You’ve got a lot going on with the house and stuff just now. Is he maybe panicking over than and the current rise in the cost of everything and can’t cope with the thought of adding to the expense with a wedding? Even a small one comes with a cost and planning and is he maybe feeling like he can’t take on more planning just now with the new house and new baby? I think double barrel it if you’re going to but don’t take his off completely

PurpleBananas22 · 18/10/2022 20:41

KitchiHuritAngeni · 18/10/2022 20:37

It would probably be less of a headache to change your last name to your dds tbh.

Of course it wouldn't! A 3 year old has basically no legal paperwork and all it takes is a quick form to complete. . A grown adult will have a hundred different documents, years of historical documents, financial Agreements etc with her surname. The child hasn't even started school Yet.

OP do it. But don't pay a ridiculous amount for rip off deed poll. You can do it yourself with a letter the. Get her a passport in new name.

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:42

debbs77 · 18/10/2022 20:38

He would need to actually give permission for her name to be changed though.

I'd change my own surname in that situation. I actually double barrelled my own surname to include his, then mine x

Yes he has agreed to sign the form. I'm currently waiting for him to come downstairs to do it, but he suddenly feels 'unwell'....

OP posts:
itwasntmetho · 18/10/2022 20:43

You’re definitely doing the right thing. How separate are your finances?

sandytooth · 18/10/2022 20:44

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:42

Yes he has agreed to sign the form. I'm currently waiting for him to come downstairs to do it, but he suddenly feels 'unwell'....

Take the form to him. It won't take long.

Dacadactyl · 18/10/2022 20:46

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:42

Yes he has agreed to sign the form. I'm currently waiting for him to come downstairs to do it, but he suddenly feels 'unwell'....

God he's a bastard.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/10/2022 20:47

but he suddenly feels 'unwell'....

Poor lambkin. Take it up to him.

SunneRising · 18/10/2022 20:50

The name isn't really the issue at all. You need a sensible discussion about whether you continue with this relationship or not. And if so in what form.

You need to think about money and property and what you both want. Do you rent or own your home? Who earns the money? You? Him? Both of you? What happens when DC 2 is born and you have to take maternity leave? Where do you both see yourselves in ten years? (More kids? Better jobs? Living in the same place?)

Why is he feeling threatened or cornered? Is it because he doesn't want the relationship? Or the wedding? Or to be married?
The surname is neither here nor there. Double barrelling it won't achieve anything.

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