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AIBU?

To insist on DD name change?

199 replies

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:24

My DD has just turned 3 and has my DP's surname. On the night before she was born (by arranged C-section), my DP proposed and I thought things couldn't get any more perfect. Given that we were going to be married, I registered her birth and gave her (what I thought would be) our family name.

We booked our wedding for Spring 2020 and my parents paid for all of the deposits, my dress etc. (DP's parents not on the scene). Of course with Covid, we thought postponing the wedding would be the most sensible thing to do and most suppliers agreed to transfer deposits over to a new date.

I should say at this point that we have a generally good relationship, we are in the process of buying a new house and I am currently pregnant with DC2. The wedding/ family name issue has however become a major bone of contention and I am so so upset by it all. DP now acts as though he doesn't want to marry me. I have tried so many times to sit down and have a sensible discussion with him about how important it is to me to have the same family name. Previously I avoided the issue to avoid rocking the boat, but it has become so upsetting for me I can't let it go.

At any mention of the wedding or rearranging a date or family name, he immediately becomes visibly annoyed and comes up with excuse after excuse. He makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong for bringing it up. I have reiterated time and time again that I don't care about a big wedding, all I care about is being a family with the same name, and have suggested just going to the registry office, but he is still evasive. I feel so ashamed that I don't seem to be worthy of being his wife and it's really embarrassing having to make excuses to everyone who asks when our new date will be. I feel ridden with guilt that my parents have spent all this money and he doesn't care. Any discussion at all about the issue results in him storming off. He repeatedly says 'we will get married.. one day' but he's fobbing me off.

After a further attempt tonight to have a discussion about what it means to me, I finally had enough (not sure if pregnancy hormones!!) and said I want DD's name to be changed to double barrel to include my surname. He said 'do what you like.' I have the forms prepared and ready to go. I would never have registered her this way if I thought for a second he wouldn't see his proposal through. I'm so upset by this whole thing and really keen to get it resolved one way or another before the arrival off DC2. AIBU?

Please be kind to me; currently crying in the bath!!

OP posts:
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Obki · 19/10/2022 03:59

I think you should give your new baby just your name.

Show the dickhead you’re not at his mercy.

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AgentJohnson · 19/10/2022 04:11

This is ridiculous! You’ve got your wedding blinkers on and really aren’t thinking about type of man you want to marry. This is what happens when you prioritise someone who treats you as an option. He won’t suddenly be a nicer person once you marry and those MH issues that you have borne the brunt of, won’t disappear in a puff of smoke.

Fixating on the wedding has blinded you to the unsuitable man you desperately want to tie yourself further to. You have serious relationship issues that need to be addressed and resolved before you get married.

Take a massive step back and find your self respect because the sunken costs fallacy that you subscribed to won’t end in a happy ever after.

You aren’t stuck but you are acting like it.

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mathanxiety · 19/10/2022 04:22

Your former fiance is not interested in establishing a family with you.

He doesn't want to give you and his children the legal protection of marriage.

He has checked out.

Your relationship is over.

Your parents need to take him to small claims court to recoup half of the deposit money from him if you can't get it back from your wedding venue and vendors. You can try selling your dress.

Make plans to separate.

As he said, do whatever you like wrt your child's name. That's not the important thing here. It's a small detail. You need to understand the big picture.

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WindyKnickers · 19/10/2022 05:36

I'm with you about the importance of the name OP. Who wants to feel like a spare part in their own family?

Without wanting to criticise, I have never in my life met anyone who cares so deeply about their DC surnames as everyone on this thread seems to.

My kids have their dads surname, we are separated but he's still their dad and it connects them to their family on his side, their grandparent's and their half siblings. I feel slightly insulted that by me having a surname that connects me with my family it renders me a "spare part". My children live with me most of the time, I do everything for them and they don't need to have my surname for us to be a family. Maybe needing the same surname as your DC is a reflection of feeling insecure, or inadequate? In which case I would address that problem rather than piss about with ultimatums over marriage.

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RedHelenB · 19/10/2022 05:42

HelloIamhere999 · 18/10/2022 21:06

What is the point in changing her surname. Married or not, he's still her father. The bigger issue is, he no longer wants to marry you. You need to find out why. This may be a deal breaker for you.

This. And every time he needs to step up as dcs dad you'll probably get the name change thrown back at you, we'll they're your kids. I think this relationship has run its course.

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Jeds55 · 19/10/2022 05:52

I changed dd1's surname from partner to mine (for different reasons). She was almost 4 and knew her surname but its been fine. She quickly adapted to the new one.
I gave dd2 my surname from the start.
Whenever you have to send proof of the name change to doctors, school etc you'll need to send a letter signed by both parents (named on bc). I printed off lots of these and got dp to sign them in advance and I can just date ours when needed.

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FabFitFifties · 19/10/2022 07:00

Do you think he feels you are blackmailing him into marriage OP - using your daughter's name to do so.?That's what it reads like to me. I personally don't agree with changing children's names, to suit us. It's a big deal. She knows who she is.

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GaslitlikeaVictorianparlour · 19/10/2022 07:07

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 22:21

Oh I absolutely won't be making the same mistake twice! I have told him this and he's stormed off to bed... it seems to be his way or the highway, but I'm not backing down.

This really jumped out at me - you're not allowed an explanation or discussion, however rational, around how his actions mean you and your children won't have the same first name but if your actions mean he won't have the same last name as one of his children he's so offended he storms off. How is it okay for him to be so hypocritical?

OP, and I say this as someone with depression, don't excuse him his bad behaviour because he has depression. Those of us with the bastard condition are still pretty much functioning humans, it doesn't mean we don't understand when we are hurting people and behaving badly. As a very wise woman once said to me 'You can be depressed and still be a cunt'.

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CloseYourEyesAndSee · 19/10/2022 07:14

Change DC1's name
give DC2 the same double barrelled name
work on separating when you can

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Sheenqueen · 19/10/2022 07:16

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 22:21

Oh I absolutely won't be making the same mistake twice! I have told him this and he's stormed off to bed... it seems to be his way or the highway, but I'm not backing down.

I’m confused. What will you achieve by not having his name on DC2’s birth certificate?

How does that get you whatever it is you want from him?

This relationship is done.

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LegallyBlondie · 19/10/2022 07:17

@Sheenqueen I have never mentioned not putting his name on DC2's birth certificate.

OP posts:
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Aprilx · 19/10/2022 07:21

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:25

He only agreed to sign the form with double barrel. I think it's at least better than his name only so I'll go with it. He has previously refused any change at all so at least our names are connected in some way. I just can't understand why I deserve all this; he's had significant MH problems for many years, which I have borne the brunt of, I try with everything I have to give him a great life and I am just so, so sad.

Shame it is double barrelled, but perhaps you can slowly drop his half. Don’t give the new baby a double barrelled name and you need to get rid of this man who doesn’t think enough of you to marry.

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tootiredtospeak · 19/10/2022 07:21

Wouldn't bother me none of my kids have my surname and I dont want to get married. My surname just isnt as nice and doesnt flow as well as my partners. If it upsets you then fo what you need to do but if you force the marriage by doing this is that really how you want your marriage to be. A happy stable relationship is all that matters to me.

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WillPowerLite · 19/10/2022 07:38

Send off the name-change form. Get that done.

Do not marry this man. Do not buy a new house with him. Untangle your finances and get ready to go off on your own with your dc.

This would be a miserable marriage. Don't do it, even if he miraculously changes his mind again.

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Velvian · 19/10/2022 07:40

Whatever happens with DC1 name, give dc2 your name, then it will be within your power to change it.

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Sheenqueen · 19/10/2022 07:57

LegallyBlondie · 19/10/2022 07:17

@Sheenqueen I have never mentioned not putting his name on DC2's birth certificate.

So what is all this about weaponising the surname.

The relationship is over if it comes to this and he seems to care less about this surname changing endeavour.

You belong regardless and your children are yours regardless. There is something deep going for you beneath all this surname issue.

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JustLyra · 19/10/2022 07:58

Velvian · 19/10/2022 07:40

Whatever happens with DC1 name, give dc2 your name, then it will be within your power to change it.

It will only be in her power if she leaves the father off the birth certificate.

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RosesAndHellebores · 19/10/2022 08:10

It never fails to.amaze me that women who want to be married have children and buy houses on the promise of a wedding. If men are serious about relationships, they are usually happy to do the wedding first. If they aren't snd it's what the woman wants you know in advance they are the sort of chaps who are happy to breed and leave their offspring vulnerable. Isn't that the point to decide one comes before the other.

I've yet to hear a mother say: we've three children, a mortgage and yet I'm still not sure about actually marrying him.

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Confusion101 · 19/10/2022 08:21

Velvian · 19/10/2022 07:40

Whatever happens with DC1 name, give dc2 your name, then it will be within your power to change it.

What will this achieve?

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LittleOwl153 · 19/10/2022 08:22

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:15

He says all that sort of thing is my problem and I shouldn't have picked expensive things etc

Then as you share finances I would be working out what they paid out and set up a repayment. You suggest money isn't tight but I would make sure that the repayment comes at a visible cost to him (not the kids). Not about being petty, nut about him accepting responsibility and you being clear this is where things are now at. If your parents don't want it ask them to put it aside for you/the dc.

You need to think about what you really want for you and your kids going forward, and do not let this second maternity leave knock you off balance financially to separate from the twit if that makes sense.

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LegallyBlondie · 19/10/2022 08:29

@Sheenqueen Weaponising? I could perhaps understand your logic if I intended to remove his name completely and replace it with mine; however that's not what I am suggesting. I would be interested to hear your views on 'weaponising' in respect of his promise of marriage with absolutely no intention of seeing it through, with his name alone on our DD's bc.

OP posts:
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Canyousewcushions · 19/10/2022 08:33

You seem to be putting a lot of focus on a name when I wonder if the real problem is more around his lack of commitment in terms of following through the proposal.

Changing her name won't change that, but may give her additional administrative stuff she needs to do for the sake of not a lot of benefit. Double barrelling could work but what would you do if he did marry you later? Would you still end up with sever different surnames in use within the family, some double barrelled and some not?

Lots of families have different surnames and in practical terms its fine (as you know, you've had that situation for a few years now!!). Some of us choose not to take our husband's name when we marry and actually, especially in this day and age, where there are so many different forms of family which are accepted, it really is fine. It's not like we're being constantly judged for having 2 surnames or people worrying/judging that we might not be married.

If I were you I'd make sure I'd got to the bottom of exactly why it's so upsetting before you do something which will impact on your daughter in the longer term if she'll end up with a deedpoll as well as a birth certificate.

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Herejustforthisone · 19/10/2022 08:36

Ignore the few goady posters, OP. Their deliberate (or perhaps not) lack of comprehension is about them, not you.

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Obki · 19/10/2022 08:38

Sheenqueen · 19/10/2022 07:16

I’m confused. What will you achieve by not having his name on DC2’s birth certificate?

How does that get you whatever it is you want from him?

This relationship is done.

They are her children. She is allowed to want to share a surname with them.

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Sheenqueen · 19/10/2022 08:49

LegallyBlondie · 19/10/2022 08:29

@Sheenqueen Weaponising? I could perhaps understand your logic if I intended to remove his name completely and replace it with mine; however that's not what I am suggesting. I would be interested to hear your views on 'weaponising' in respect of his promise of marriage with absolutely no intention of seeing it through, with his name alone on our DD's bc.

You are weaponising it by using it as some ultimatum and bargaining tool.

Your partner has or is having a change of heart in regards to marrying you. He is entitled to change his mind despite promises.

Your desire to be married to this man seems to be wrapped up with your sense of belonging, which you are linking to your children’s surname in some way.

If you do get married to this man and then take his surname as yours, will it be double barrelled and if not, what will it mean for your kids surname?

This surname worries are simply masking the real deep issues at play.

For what it’s worth, I don’t use my married name. I use my maiden name. My son uses his father’s surname.

I get that it matters to you hugely. You might be mistaken in thinking your partner does not realise it or that he does not want to hear you explain why it is important. He knows it is important. How can he not know? He just in a different place on this.

Consider that the relationship might be over.

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