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AIBU?

To insist on DD name change?

199 replies

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:24

My DD has just turned 3 and has my DP's surname. On the night before she was born (by arranged C-section), my DP proposed and I thought things couldn't get any more perfect. Given that we were going to be married, I registered her birth and gave her (what I thought would be) our family name.

We booked our wedding for Spring 2020 and my parents paid for all of the deposits, my dress etc. (DP's parents not on the scene). Of course with Covid, we thought postponing the wedding would be the most sensible thing to do and most suppliers agreed to transfer deposits over to a new date.

I should say at this point that we have a generally good relationship, we are in the process of buying a new house and I am currently pregnant with DC2. The wedding/ family name issue has however become a major bone of contention and I am so so upset by it all. DP now acts as though he doesn't want to marry me. I have tried so many times to sit down and have a sensible discussion with him about how important it is to me to have the same family name. Previously I avoided the issue to avoid rocking the boat, but it has become so upsetting for me I can't let it go.

At any mention of the wedding or rearranging a date or family name, he immediately becomes visibly annoyed and comes up with excuse after excuse. He makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong for bringing it up. I have reiterated time and time again that I don't care about a big wedding, all I care about is being a family with the same name, and have suggested just going to the registry office, but he is still evasive. I feel so ashamed that I don't seem to be worthy of being his wife and it's really embarrassing having to make excuses to everyone who asks when our new date will be. I feel ridden with guilt that my parents have spent all this money and he doesn't care. Any discussion at all about the issue results in him storming off. He repeatedly says 'we will get married.. one day' but he's fobbing me off.

After a further attempt tonight to have a discussion about what it means to me, I finally had enough (not sure if pregnancy hormones!!) and said I want DD's name to be changed to double barrel to include my surname. He said 'do what you like.' I have the forms prepared and ready to go. I would never have registered her this way if I thought for a second he wouldn't see his proposal through. I'm so upset by this whole thing and really keen to get it resolved one way or another before the arrival off DC2. AIBU?

Please be kind to me; currently crying in the bath!!

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JulesCobb · 18/10/2022 21:32

usernamealreadytaken · 18/10/2022 21:28

Why don't you just change your surname so you all have the family name? You don't have to get married to do so, and then you and your children can all have the same name. If you get married in future, you won't need to change either of your children's names (possibly again!).

after reading all the op’s post, why would that be your suggestion?!

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OldFan · 18/10/2022 21:33

He sounds awful OP.

I suppose he thinks he doesn't have to get married as he has all the upsides of being married already.

I had one like this and it was very humiliating and aggravating, so I can completely empathise
@LegallyBlondie Sad

He's not acting like he loves you in this respect. He doesn't seem to want to make that ultimate public declaration of love and commitment.

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aveline161 · 18/10/2022 21:33

He's mentally separating himself from you and the children. He’s either in massive amounts of secret debt or preparing to leave/ affair.

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LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:34

abblie · 18/10/2022 21:31

I'm sorry but that post screams to me like your threatening him with marry me or I'm changing my daughters surname!

I would understand if he wasn't in her life and never contributed anything to do with her but c'mon lol

That is not the situation at all. I have made it clear to him that as long as my DD and I have the same surname, then I don't care. The last thing I want is to drag a man unwillingly down an aisle... I do have that tiny amount of self respect left.

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LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:34

abblie · 18/10/2022 21:31

I'm sorry but that post screams to me like your threatening him with marry me or I'm changing my daughters surname!

I would understand if he wasn't in her life and never contributed anything to do with her but c'mon lol

And he proposed to me... it's not as if I've made up a crazy notion of marriage out of thin air.

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washingbasketqueen · 18/10/2022 21:34

I'm sorry you're in this position. It's good you've got the form signed, but really this isn't your biggest issue. He does not sound like he is committed to your relationship or wants to marry you. I'm very protective of my parents and how he's acted about your parents already fronting money for the wedding is awful. I couldn't be with someone who cannot even have a rational conversation.

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FictionalCharacter · 18/10/2022 21:35

This was never about names, was it? He doesn’t want to get married, he storms off, he’s grumpy, he doesn’t listen to you. If he wants to be in the relationship he needs to start treating you better.

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LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:38

Workyticket · 18/10/2022 21:29

Op I was in the same position and it took over all of my headspace. I started a thread too and got my arse handed to me about it only being a name

It's so much more and I also felt like I wasn't good enough to marry etc.

I had the forms ready too. Long story short, we did get married (also delayed due to covid)

Dh regrets waiting now, we've not had a cross word since whereas before we argued all the time about it. He says it wasn't that he didn't want to be married, it just wasn't on his radar as something that was a big deal

I'd taken my engagement ring off which bothered him but I'd resigned myself to it. It was off the table completely

Then we went to lunch at a REALLY laid back place out in the sticks that did the most chilled weddings ever. A couple were in booking their wedding while we waited for dinner and on a whim we booked ours too.

Thanks for this @Workyticket, it's nice to hear I'm not the only one in this shit situation. His position always is that he does want to get married, but this constant disregard of the importance of it to me is what's sticking.

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abblie · 18/10/2022 21:39

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:34

That is not the situation at all. I have made it clear to him that as long as my DD and I have the same surname, then I don't care. The last thing I want is to drag a man unwillingly down an aisle... I do have that tiny amount of self respect left.

Thats more you than him both my children have my partners surname we aren't married ffs and it doesn't matter who proposed to who ! When your second child is born and your daughters name isn't legally changed by then is your 2nd child going to have a different surname to their sibling? Like I said all families are different but just because you aren't married doesn't mean your child or children can't have their fathers surname

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LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:41

@abblie all I can say in response to that is I'm glad it works for you.

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Pixiedust1234 · 18/10/2022 21:41

Start untangling your finances OP. It sounds like it won't be long before another issue rears its ugly head. Get prepared.

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HundredMilesAnHour · 18/10/2022 21:42

Sapphire387 · 18/10/2022 20:38

If he's not bothered and will sign the form, change it to yours only, and give DC2 your surname. I wouldn't buy a house with him either.

This!

You have a bigger problem than her surname.

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Dacadactyl · 18/10/2022 21:45

abblie · 18/10/2022 21:39

Thats more you than him both my children have my partners surname we aren't married ffs and it doesn't matter who proposed to who ! When your second child is born and your daughters name isn't legally changed by then is your 2nd child going to have a different surname to their sibling? Like I said all families are different but just because you aren't married doesn't mean your child or children can't have their fathers surname

I suppose it depends what you want.

We weren't married when our DD was born. I wanted marriage in our future, so gave DD my surname only. I said that if we got married, I'd change her surname. We got married and then changed her surname at that point. I wouldn't give my child a different surname to me without the commitment of marriage, no way.

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GettingItOutThere · 18/10/2022 21:49

i would change it to your name only!


IF he marries you then change both kids to yournew married name.

if he isnt bothered then I would make dam sure I had the same name as my kids - none of this double barrel bullshit if he does not care!

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Rowen32 · 18/10/2022 21:51

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:24

My DD has just turned 3 and has my DP's surname. On the night before she was born (by arranged C-section), my DP proposed and I thought things couldn't get any more perfect. Given that we were going to be married, I registered her birth and gave her (what I thought would be) our family name.

We booked our wedding for Spring 2020 and my parents paid for all of the deposits, my dress etc. (DP's parents not on the scene). Of course with Covid, we thought postponing the wedding would be the most sensible thing to do and most suppliers agreed to transfer deposits over to a new date.

I should say at this point that we have a generally good relationship, we are in the process of buying a new house and I am currently pregnant with DC2. The wedding/ family name issue has however become a major bone of contention and I am so so upset by it all. DP now acts as though he doesn't want to marry me. I have tried so many times to sit down and have a sensible discussion with him about how important it is to me to have the same family name. Previously I avoided the issue to avoid rocking the boat, but it has become so upsetting for me I can't let it go.

At any mention of the wedding or rearranging a date or family name, he immediately becomes visibly annoyed and comes up with excuse after excuse. He makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong for bringing it up. I have reiterated time and time again that I don't care about a big wedding, all I care about is being a family with the same name, and have suggested just going to the registry office, but he is still evasive. I feel so ashamed that I don't seem to be worthy of being his wife and it's really embarrassing having to make excuses to everyone who asks when our new date will be. I feel ridden with guilt that my parents have spent all this money and he doesn't care. Any discussion at all about the issue results in him storming off. He repeatedly says 'we will get married.. one day' but he's fobbing me off.

After a further attempt tonight to have a discussion about what it means to me, I finally had enough (not sure if pregnancy hormones!!) and said I want DD's name to be changed to double barrel to include my surname. He said 'do what you like.' I have the forms prepared and ready to go. I would never have registered her this way if I thought for a second he wouldn't see his proposal through. I'm so upset by this whole thing and really keen to get it resolved one way or another before the arrival off DC2. AIBU?

Please be kind to me; currently crying in the bath!!

Well I'm happily married and my children are double barrelled, it was very important to me, why don't you just do that and take off the pressure? Then see how things go in the rest assurance that you have the same name..

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Sheenqueen · 18/10/2022 21:52

I don’t understand the issue. If a woman divorces and changes back to her maiden name, should she ask her kids to double barrel their surnames to make sure it’s clear that they are her kids?

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3isthemagicnumber3 · 18/10/2022 22:00

Absolutely change or double barrel, especially if new baby is due

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LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 22:01

@Sheenqueen I know where you are coming from but personally, I don't think that's the same issue.

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BattenburgDonkey · 18/10/2022 22:01

Sheenqueen · 18/10/2022 21:52

I don’t understand the issue. If a woman divorces and changes back to her maiden name, should she ask her kids to double barrel their surnames to make sure it’s clear that they are her kids?

Well no… that would be a pointlessly difficult option. The woman divorcing could keep her married name as it’s her name too now, and also her kids surname, or even double barrel her own name so she gets both hers and the kids.

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wackamole · 18/10/2022 22:03

(1) My DP proposed. We booked our wedding for Spring 2020.

(2) We thought postponing the wedding would be the most sensible thing to do and most suppliers agreed to transfer deposits over to a new date.

(3) We are in the process of buying a new house and I am currently pregnant with DC2.

(4) DP now acts as though he doesn't want to marry me. At any mention of the wedding or rearranging a date or family name, he immediately becomes visibly annoyed and comes up with excuse after excuse.

(5) He makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong for bringing it up. Any discussion at all about the issue results in him storming off.

You've given the wrong ultimatum, OP - your problem isn't the baby you're about to have, but the baby you may or may not be engaged to.

Why on EARTH is he acting like this? Why can't he just SAY "I don't want to marry you because xyz"? If he has a serious MH issue, he should get help. But his treating you like this - I don't mean not marrying you, I mean having a fit when you try to talk to him about plans HE initiated - is abusive. And NO amount of abuse is OK in a relationship.

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clare8allthepies · 18/10/2022 22:03

I’m glad you have managed to get him to sign the form. I was in a similar situation in that when I was pregnant with my eldest we had discussed getting married and had both said that was something that we wanted so it seemed a no brainer giving her her fathers surname. By the time my youngest was here it was obvious that he wasn’t as keen on the idea any more but my eldest knew her name and it seemed weird to give her sister a different name.

I still absolutely hate the fact that my kids have a different name to me and if I could go back and do it again I would give them my surname 100%.

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RiftGibbon · 18/10/2022 22:05

Okay, naming issues aside, he says he does want to get married, or at least, that's what I understood from OP's more recent posts.
What is he saying is the issue? Its been delayed, so has he got cold feet and doesn't want to admit that?
Perhaps you need to ask him when the marriage will happen?

Given that you live together, have a child and another on the way, what does he think being married will change? Equally, the same question applies to OP.
Other than a legal contract, what is the difference, and why is it problematic?

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LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 22:05

@ClappingWatcher thank you so much for this. I'm really trying to hold it together and stay well during this pregnancy. My mum and dad have been together since they were 14 (married 45 years) and have never had any issues, so they can't really relate. My mum has concerns that our DD will grow up in a 'broken home' and pretty much encourages me not to rock the boat.

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QS90 · 18/10/2022 22:07

I get why you are upset about the name, but sounds like the much more pressing issue here is your relationship with your DP. It's really tough times for a lot of people atm, I think a lot of couples and families are struggling and falling out.

Are you able to talk to him, to get to the bottom of what you are both feeling? Or if not then access couples counselling? Assuming your DP is just annoying rather than abusive, and you have a chance at being happy as a family, this will make much more difference to your DD and your new baby than whatever their last name ends up being. In the process of talking through what you are both really feeling, the name thing will probably resolve itself anyway. And if it really does all go tits up, you can always change DDs name at a later date, but doing it now out of anger, and potentially causing more disagreement and stress for you, seems a bit rash, however tempting I can imagine it is.

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Tigofigo · 18/10/2022 22:09

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 22:05

@ClappingWatcher thank you so much for this. I'm really trying to hold it together and stay well during this pregnancy. My mum and dad have been together since they were 14 (married 45 years) and have never had any issues, so they can't really relate. My mum has concerns that our DD will grow up in a 'broken home' and pretty much encourages me not to rock the boat.

Your DD is already in a broken home, because communication between you and your DP has broken down and it sounds toxic. He's been awful to you.

I get the name thing as well. I didn't really want to change my name when I got married, but it was important to me to have same name as any DC and DH refused to change his, so I did. (I slightly regret not double barrelling mine and their names now)

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