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AIBU?

To insist on DD name change?

199 replies

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:24

My DD has just turned 3 and has my DP's surname. On the night before she was born (by arranged C-section), my DP proposed and I thought things couldn't get any more perfect. Given that we were going to be married, I registered her birth and gave her (what I thought would be) our family name.

We booked our wedding for Spring 2020 and my parents paid for all of the deposits, my dress etc. (DP's parents not on the scene). Of course with Covid, we thought postponing the wedding would be the most sensible thing to do and most suppliers agreed to transfer deposits over to a new date.

I should say at this point that we have a generally good relationship, we are in the process of buying a new house and I am currently pregnant with DC2. The wedding/ family name issue has however become a major bone of contention and I am so so upset by it all. DP now acts as though he doesn't want to marry me. I have tried so many times to sit down and have a sensible discussion with him about how important it is to me to have the same family name. Previously I avoided the issue to avoid rocking the boat, but it has become so upsetting for me I can't let it go.

At any mention of the wedding or rearranging a date or family name, he immediately becomes visibly annoyed and comes up with excuse after excuse. He makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong for bringing it up. I have reiterated time and time again that I don't care about a big wedding, all I care about is being a family with the same name, and have suggested just going to the registry office, but he is still evasive. I feel so ashamed that I don't seem to be worthy of being his wife and it's really embarrassing having to make excuses to everyone who asks when our new date will be. I feel ridden with guilt that my parents have spent all this money and he doesn't care. Any discussion at all about the issue results in him storming off. He repeatedly says 'we will get married.. one day' but he's fobbing me off.

After a further attempt tonight to have a discussion about what it means to me, I finally had enough (not sure if pregnancy hormones!!) and said I want DD's name to be changed to double barrel to include my surname. He said 'do what you like.' I have the forms prepared and ready to go. I would never have registered her this way if I thought for a second he wouldn't see his proposal through. I'm so upset by this whole thing and really keen to get it resolved one way or another before the arrival off DC2. AIBU?

Please be kind to me; currently crying in the bath!!

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LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 22:11

wackamole · 18/10/2022 22:03

(1) My DP proposed. We booked our wedding for Spring 2020.

(2) We thought postponing the wedding would be the most sensible thing to do and most suppliers agreed to transfer deposits over to a new date.

(3) We are in the process of buying a new house and I am currently pregnant with DC2.

(4) DP now acts as though he doesn't want to marry me. At any mention of the wedding or rearranging a date or family name, he immediately becomes visibly annoyed and comes up with excuse after excuse.

(5) He makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong for bringing it up. Any discussion at all about the issue results in him storming off.

You've given the wrong ultimatum, OP - your problem isn't the baby you're about to have, but the baby you may or may not be engaged to.

Why on EARTH is he acting like this? Why can't he just SAY "I don't want to marry you because xyz"? If he has a serious MH issue, he should get help. But his treating you like this - I don't mean not marrying you, I mean having a fit when you try to talk to him about plans HE initiated - is abusive. And NO amount of abuse is OK in a relationship.

You're right- I have always made sure to approach the subject calmly and reasonably and asked him to just be honest if he doesn't want to get married then fair enough- but he has to tell me. But he won't say that.

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Littlebluedinosaur · 18/10/2022 22:12

Make sure you give the new baby only your surname. IF you end up marrying this prince then you can re-register the birth and get a new birth certificate with his surname or a double-barrelled one.

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LightHousePanda · 18/10/2022 22:16

How do you see the relationship in five or ten years? It doesn't sound like you're happy regardless of what your or your children's surnames are.

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LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 22:21

Littlebluedinosaur · 18/10/2022 22:12

Make sure you give the new baby only your surname. IF you end up marrying this prince then you can re-register the birth and get a new birth certificate with his surname or a double-barrelled one.

Oh I absolutely won't be making the same mistake twice! I have told him this and he's stormed off to bed... it seems to be his way or the highway, but I'm not backing down.

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LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 22:24

LightHousePanda · 18/10/2022 22:16

How do you see the relationship in five or ten years? It doesn't sound like you're happy regardless of what your or your children's surnames are.

I think that all depends on how willing he is to accept he his MH issues are more significant that he portrays and that he is absolutely incapable of communicating properly.

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Naem · 18/10/2022 22:26

Sorry to somewhat go off on a tangent - but how can you change your child's name without having the form signed in front of a solicitor and other witness? I am assuming this is in the UK, is it not? We had an issue with DD's name - DH registered it, and mispelled it (left out an extra "n" - it should be double nn, but on the birth register it is single n), - we phoned up the register, and she said just spell it the way it is meant to be spelled, so we did, and registered her for schools etc and her British passport in her name spelled correctly - but she is entitled to other citizenship through me, and they have proved incredibly difficult about it, so she has had two passports with slightly different spelling. But coming up to adulthood, they want proof of identity and address and everything she has other than the passport from this other country is with it spelled correctly. So we have ended up doing a deed poll to change from one n to two nns to satisfy the other country - and it was a nightmare, we needed a solicitor and witnesses to everybody's signatures and somebody who had known her for 10 years and the we had to register it at the courts. We now have it, finally, and we now have an interview at the embassy soon and hopefully it will be OK and she will now have her two passports both with her name spelled correctly, but even though DH and I were completely in agreement that the name was spelled wrong, I couldn't have just got him to sign a form without the solicitor. So a bit puzzled here.

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Discovereads · 18/10/2022 22:28

You're right- I have always made sure to approach the subject calmly and reasonably and asked him to just be honest if he doesn't want to get married then fair enough- but he has to tell me. But he won't say that.

Hes showing you he doesn’t want to marry through his actions. He won’t ever say it- in fact he will likely claim he does want to marry you..some day- because he knows you may decide to end the relationship and leave as it is important to you. By waiting for his words to match his actions, you are kind of being in denial imho.

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Tsort · 18/10/2022 22:33

Why are you with someone who treats you like this?

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Purplecatshopaholic · 18/10/2022 22:33

Oh op. I think he is showing you who he really is - I suggest believe him, and seriously consider ending this now before it damages you and your child(ren).

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LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 22:34

@Naem sorry you're having so much trouble, that sounds like a horrifically complicated situation. To change the name you require to have the signed consent of all parties holding parental rights and responsibilities in relation to the child- I have signed the form and so has my DP , who is named on the birth certificate, so holds parental rights. That's all that is required for the name change.

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Isaidnoalready · 18/10/2022 22:35

Double barrel the name his first most people will assume its a middle name and ditch it

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HairyHandedSonOfTroll · 18/10/2022 22:44

I'm sorry OP - this is rubbish all round. I would be seriously thinking of not buying the new house with him. Not because he's fannying around about getting married or not, but because he won't even have a real conversation about it. I would also change your DD's surname to yours.

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Notimeforaname · 18/10/2022 22:46

I think that all depends on how willing he is to accept he his MH issues are more significant that he portrays and that he is absolutely incapable of communicating properly.

Thats exactly it op. This is what he needs to do.

You have nothing if you don't have basic communication and respect, he is not bringing either of these things to the relationship whilst you're there offering them to him on a saucer.

I really feel for you here, you are clearly trying and getting nowhere except further and further away from each other.

If he still doesn't seem to understand how much his lack of communication and total disrespect is hurting you/your relationship, perhaps it's just that he doesn't care?

You must figure out exactly what it is you need from him, tell him clearly one last time and if he is willing to at least talk about it and/or compromise, you've got a starting block.

If he blanks you again, seriously think about splitting.

You and your children cant live the rest of your lives according to his comfort levels, what an awful way to live.

I hope you can resolve this.

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Anydaynowonewouldhope · 18/10/2022 22:46

He’s told you how he really feels OP.

dont waste years and have your girls grow up in a crappy atmosphere where they thing thst is how women are treated.

builr a life for you and your girls and he can sort his own crap out.

don’t listen to your mother - either she’s clueless or in fact her relationship is not as perfect as it seems and she’s made more compromises than you relate and thinks that you should to

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Rachie1973 · 18/10/2022 22:51

Moveoverdarlin · 18/10/2022 21:20

I wouldn’t double-barrel it, I would change it to your name. And obviously the new baby will be your name too. Let him be the odd one out.

I’d do this too. He doesn’t really get much say in the new baby in reality, he couldn’t be bothered to marry OP so she doesn’t really even have to take him to register.

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MsTSwift · 18/10/2022 22:55

Urgh can’t abide these pathetic cake and eat it men. They shouldn’t get the upside of marriage for most men (dc with your name / a lovely well kept home / societal benefits of being in an established couple/ partner compromising her career for family) without any compromise and actually committing legally to their partner. Shape up or ship out matey.

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LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 22:57

MsTSwift · 18/10/2022 22:55

Urgh can’t abide these pathetic cake and eat it men. They shouldn’t get the upside of marriage for most men (dc with your name / a lovely well kept home / societal benefits of being in an established couple/ partner compromising her career for family) without any compromise and actually committing legally to their partner. Shape up or ship out matey.

I love this.

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slashlover · 18/10/2022 23:00

Oh I absolutely won't be making the same mistake twice! I have told him this and he's stormed off to bed... it seems to be his way or the highway, but I'm not backing down.

Says the woman demanding to change her DDs surname. Why do you thing your name is more important that your DPs?

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Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 18/10/2022 23:01

He's being a dick.
Change DD's surname to yours, don't bother double barrelling it that'll just make it harder for your DD to spell etc in the long run. Your DH's response shows he clearly isn't bothered.

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LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 23:02

slashlover · 18/10/2022 23:00

Oh I absolutely won't be making the same mistake twice! I have told him this and he's stormed off to bed... it seems to be his way or the highway, but I'm not backing down.

Says the woman demanding to change her DDs surname. Why do you thing your name is more important that your DPs?

I'm not sure if you've read the posts above, but DD's name will be hyphenated....

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Alarm59 · 18/10/2022 23:02

slashlover · 18/10/2022 23:00

Oh I absolutely won't be making the same mistake twice! I have told him this and he's stormed off to bed... it seems to be his way or the highway, but I'm not backing down.

Says the woman demanding to change her DDs surname. Why do you thing your name is more important that your DPs?

She’s double barrelling it….

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Alarm59 · 18/10/2022 23:05

OP

I think double barrelling the name is probably best all round.

this isn’t what you want to hear, but he isn’t going to choose a date to get married. If he were, he’d have a lot more to say about changing that name. He has agreed on double barrelling , but he doesn’t want to give you his name.

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LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 23:07

Alarm59 · 18/10/2022 23:05

OP

I think double barrelling the name is probably best all round.

this isn’t what you want to hear, but he isn’t going to choose a date to get married. If he were, he’d have a lot more to say about changing that name. He has agreed on double barrelling , but he doesn’t want to give you his name.

I think you are right, and I've started to come to terms with that over the last few months. Previously I've never wanted to raise it with him, but I'm in a place now where I need to know where I stand, and if that's where it is, then I'll deal with it.

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JaneAustensHeroine · 18/10/2022 23:08

So sorry you are in this situation. I totally get how you might be feeling. My ex had depression for many years and what you have written really resonates with me. He says now it was about control. He would become angry and resentful and take it out on things that were important to me. Like your DP, his parents were not around and seeing my family supporting me made him even more resentful. So he would do things that were quite spiteful at times to get back at me for having something he didn’t have or being happy when he wasn’t.

Well done for sorting out the paperwork regarding your DD’s name. Next step is to start saving your money in your own account towards your future. You may never need it but this man isn’t someone you can rely on right now. He has let you down. And he thinks he is justified in letting you down. Start putting yourself first OP.

Take care. 💐

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Nosleepforthismum · 18/10/2022 23:11

Don’t let posters make you feel bad about wanting the same last name as your DC. I was exactly the same, engaged when I was pregnant and DH and his family thought that would be enough to make me give our DS his surname. Unfortunately, I can be a stubborn mule about certain things that are important to me and this was one of them and DS has my surname. We are now married tbf and I should probably change our names but it’s a lot of paperwork…

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