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AIBU?

To insist on DD name change?

199 replies

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:24

My DD has just turned 3 and has my DP's surname. On the night before she was born (by arranged C-section), my DP proposed and I thought things couldn't get any more perfect. Given that we were going to be married, I registered her birth and gave her (what I thought would be) our family name.

We booked our wedding for Spring 2020 and my parents paid for all of the deposits, my dress etc. (DP's parents not on the scene). Of course with Covid, we thought postponing the wedding would be the most sensible thing to do and most suppliers agreed to transfer deposits over to a new date.

I should say at this point that we have a generally good relationship, we are in the process of buying a new house and I am currently pregnant with DC2. The wedding/ family name issue has however become a major bone of contention and I am so so upset by it all. DP now acts as though he doesn't want to marry me. I have tried so many times to sit down and have a sensible discussion with him about how important it is to me to have the same family name. Previously I avoided the issue to avoid rocking the boat, but it has become so upsetting for me I can't let it go.

At any mention of the wedding or rearranging a date or family name, he immediately becomes visibly annoyed and comes up with excuse after excuse. He makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong for bringing it up. I have reiterated time and time again that I don't care about a big wedding, all I care about is being a family with the same name, and have suggested just going to the registry office, but he is still evasive. I feel so ashamed that I don't seem to be worthy of being his wife and it's really embarrassing having to make excuses to everyone who asks when our new date will be. I feel ridden with guilt that my parents have spent all this money and he doesn't care. Any discussion at all about the issue results in him storming off. He repeatedly says 'we will get married.. one day' but he's fobbing me off.

After a further attempt tonight to have a discussion about what it means to me, I finally had enough (not sure if pregnancy hormones!!) and said I want DD's name to be changed to double barrel to include my surname. He said 'do what you like.' I have the forms prepared and ready to go. I would never have registered her this way if I thought for a second he wouldn't see his proposal through. I'm so upset by this whole thing and really keen to get it resolved one way or another before the arrival off DC2. AIBU?

Please be kind to me; currently crying in the bath!!

OP posts:
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Sheenqueen · 19/10/2022 08:52

Obki · 19/10/2022 08:38

They are her children. She is allowed to want to share a surname with them.

But he has not stopped her from doing that? She does not need to be married to do that, does she?

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usernamealreadytaken · 19/10/2022 09:13

JulesCobb · 18/10/2022 21:32

after reading all the op’s post, why would that be your suggestion?!

Because OP stated she's not fussed about a big wedding, she just wants everyone to have the family surname. If she changes DC name now, and then has another baby, if they eventually get married (she seems sure that they have a good relationship and are in for the long haul) she'll have to change them all again.

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beingsunny · 19/10/2022 09:50

I would ask him to go and have a think about what kind of wedding he wants, not an on the spot conversation, tell him you would like to talk it over and make a decision next weekend, so you are giving him a heads up this conversation is coming and there is and end date to settle it.

It may go either way but you are giving him time and space to consider it.

I'm glad you have your form signed, but I understand the stress of not knowing where you stand, it sounds like he is keeping you in limbo which isn't fair.

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LegallyBlondie · 19/10/2022 09:55

I have spoken with him this morning (after a sleepless night). He is keen to move on from this, but I would rather have a proper discussion to resolve it one way or another, rather than continue to ignore it. I want all cards on the table so I can make an assessment of whether I'm prepared to move on or otherwise. I've made it clear I want honesty about his views. We'll discuss tonight after work

OP posts:
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Obki · 19/10/2022 10:00

I agree with you, OP. If he doesn't want to get married you need to know asap so you can plan your life.

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Obki · 19/10/2022 10:01

Sheenqueen · 19/10/2022 08:52

But he has not stopped her from doing that? She does not need to be married to do that, does she?

He was in a huff with her because she wants to double barrel the new baby's name. How is that not stopping her?

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FistFullOfRegrets · 19/10/2022 10:03

JustLyra · 18/10/2022 20:54

That was quick work

He's only upstairs, not in the Congo!

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W0tnow · 19/10/2022 10:10

Have you considered just not getting married? You said earlier if you could turn back time you wouldn’t have met him…. It’s just that divorce is a drawn out messy business…and if you’ve solved the name issue with the double barrelled thing? Can you get any kind of refund on the money paid?

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FistFullOfRegrets · 19/10/2022 10:12

Pleasegodgotosleep · 18/10/2022 21:22

If he has signed the form to change her name he is telling you, absolutely clearly, that he has no plans to marry you. I would not be giving new baby his name and I would be leaving.

^ Exactly.

once you've separated, sorted out your existing house & finances. Your parents should attempt to get the money for the deposits etc from him.

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mam0918 · 19/10/2022 11:03

I dont get this... we where engaged 7 years (no one ever asked why) and I didnt take his name when we married but we are still equally a family.

You dont need to be married to change your name, just change it... but do it to YOUR name if it bothers you that much (and that was your plan anyway) why drag your child into it and put the burden of the shift onto them as if they are a weapon for you not getting your way.

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Noviembre · 19/10/2022 11:14

Ha, yeah I just told my partner if we weren't getting married I'd just fucking leave him. I don't know women put up with this stuff. Don't have kids with wasters! He has no intention of marrying you. Why would he? He thinks you're not going anywhere now.

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Dacadactyl · 19/10/2022 11:28

Noviembre · 19/10/2022 11:14

Ha, yeah I just told my partner if we weren't getting married I'd just fucking leave him. I don't know women put up with this stuff. Don't have kids with wasters! He has no intention of marrying you. Why would he? He thinks you're not going anywhere now.

100% this.

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bonzaitree · 19/10/2022 11:39

He doesn't want to marry you sorry.

If it were me I'd stay out for now, have the baby and get back to work asap. Get finances and practicalities sorted and some savings behind me then leave once that was all sorted out.

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NKFell · 19/10/2022 11:50

My eldest DS13 started life with his DF's surname but pretty much same scenario as you @LegallyBlondie so I changed it to mine and further DC we had all have my surname and now we're no longer together I'm so pleased!

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Tomatowentsplat · 19/10/2022 12:21

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I was unwed at dd1's birth and had a real mental battle over who's name to give. Everyone assumes tradition is for the baby to take the fathers name when actually its always been mothers name its just waay back it was tradition that marriage came first and a father "gave" his daughter to the groom and she became his. Baby always took mums name, just more likely her name came from dad. Its only in recent years as its became as common to have a baby out of wedlock than in it that woman have this issue of giving dads name to their baby when it not their name... Anyway back to the point, I found it so difficult after giving dads surname and having a different name to my child so I can completely understand the need to add your name in.
I only did it as we often spoke of marriage, but it was scary and nerve wrecking. We did end up getting engaged when DD was 5 months and wed at 11months so now we have same name and there is nothing that would now make me go back to my maiden name if anything had to happen resulting in us splitting.

I think now he has signed to agree to the name change, you need to think about whether you still want to marry him after this. If you do you need to find out if he wants to marry you and set a date. If not if I were you I'd be giving back the ring and making it known the engagement is off.

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Sheenqueen · 19/10/2022 12:41

Obki · 19/10/2022 10:01

He was in a huff with her because she wants to double barrel the new baby's name. How is that not stopping her?

He signed the papers.

What more does he need to do to show that he doesn’t really care about marrying OP? The name issue is a red herring.

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Asperia · 19/10/2022 12:51

OP This is only my opinion but I advise you to get the signed form off to the name changing department ASAP. If your discussion goes badly this evening, you don't want him tearing up the form. I know he could probably revoke his permission anyway, but that might take more effort by him once the process has started.

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SantasGrotty · 06/12/2022 07:34

Have you considered not changing your daughter's name but giving the second one your name? Nothing wrong with changing it of course, but just thinking for the sake of ease. If you left your partner it sounds like you'd take on your new husband's name anyway so likely to have different names in the future anyway. Or if you had a child with the new person. But by giving your name to one of them you're at least showing mum has equal value to dad

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Naunet · 06/12/2022 08:35

WindyKnickers · 19/10/2022 05:36

I'm with you about the importance of the name OP. Who wants to feel like a spare part in their own family?

Without wanting to criticise, I have never in my life met anyone who cares so deeply about their DC surnames as everyone on this thread seems to.

My kids have their dads surname, we are separated but he's still their dad and it connects them to their family on his side, their grandparent's and their half siblings. I feel slightly insulted that by me having a surname that connects me with my family it renders me a "spare part". My children live with me most of the time, I do everything for them and they don't need to have my surname for us to be a family. Maybe needing the same surname as your DC is a reflection of feeling insecure, or inadequate? In which case I would address that problem rather than piss about with ultimatums over marriage.

Really?! Men seem to care very much…

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RishisProudMum · 06/12/2022 09:09

Naunet · 06/12/2022 08:35

Really?! Men seem to care very much…

People like this are only confused when women care. Then it’s a reflection of insecurity or inadequacy. When men care, it’s perfectly fine and understandable. Obvs.

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mam0918 · 06/12/2022 10:17

Naunet · 06/12/2022 08:35

Really?! Men seem to care very much…

Because a mother is an undenyable mother regardless... we carry and birth our own children which is unarguable fact and a unique bond, we also are in most cases given the benefit of custody should things ever go wrong.

Fathers however never have that security... a woman has never given birth a legitimately been able to wonder 'did he cheat on me and this is not actually my baby' and rarely has to worry if the split up 'will his new girlfriend replace me and I will be religated to weekend visits twice a month listening to how 'new mam' filled my shoes'.

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RishisProudMum · 06/12/2022 10:25

mam0918 · 06/12/2022 10:17

Because a mother is an undenyable mother regardless... we carry and birth our own children which is unarguable fact and a unique bond, we also are in most cases given the benefit of custody should things ever go wrong.

Fathers however never have that security... a woman has never given birth a legitimately been able to wonder 'did he cheat on me and this is not actually my baby' and rarely has to worry if the split up 'will his new girlfriend replace me and I will be religated to weekend visits twice a month listening to how 'new mam' filled my shoes'.

And? We have paternity tests now, if men are so unsure. And, in cases where men actually go after 50/50 custody in this country, they get it. So they’re not relegated to weekend visits unless they want to be.

None of these is a reason why a child should get their father’s name and not their mother’s in 2022.

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Lineofbestfit · 06/12/2022 11:05

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2022 20:39

I should say at this point that we have a generally good relationship

Any discussion at all about the issue results in him storming off

He said 'do what you like

OP I wouldn't call that a generally good relationship. He dismisses you, ignores you and refuses to engage with you about a previously made decision. He seems to not respect you or your needs/wants at all.

This. Change to your name.

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Organisebrood · 28/01/2023 22:05

I'd be changing it to my name, especially as she isn't in school yet and wouldn't even be aware of the change! Sorry you are upset OP. That's not nice for you to have to deal with x

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