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AIBU?

To insist on DD name change?

199 replies

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:24

My DD has just turned 3 and has my DP's surname. On the night before she was born (by arranged C-section), my DP proposed and I thought things couldn't get any more perfect. Given that we were going to be married, I registered her birth and gave her (what I thought would be) our family name.

We booked our wedding for Spring 2020 and my parents paid for all of the deposits, my dress etc. (DP's parents not on the scene). Of course with Covid, we thought postponing the wedding would be the most sensible thing to do and most suppliers agreed to transfer deposits over to a new date.

I should say at this point that we have a generally good relationship, we are in the process of buying a new house and I am currently pregnant with DC2. The wedding/ family name issue has however become a major bone of contention and I am so so upset by it all. DP now acts as though he doesn't want to marry me. I have tried so many times to sit down and have a sensible discussion with him about how important it is to me to have the same family name. Previously I avoided the issue to avoid rocking the boat, but it has become so upsetting for me I can't let it go.

At any mention of the wedding or rearranging a date or family name, he immediately becomes visibly annoyed and comes up with excuse after excuse. He makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong for bringing it up. I have reiterated time and time again that I don't care about a big wedding, all I care about is being a family with the same name, and have suggested just going to the registry office, but he is still evasive. I feel so ashamed that I don't seem to be worthy of being his wife and it's really embarrassing having to make excuses to everyone who asks when our new date will be. I feel ridden with guilt that my parents have spent all this money and he doesn't care. Any discussion at all about the issue results in him storming off. He repeatedly says 'we will get married.. one day' but he's fobbing me off.

After a further attempt tonight to have a discussion about what it means to me, I finally had enough (not sure if pregnancy hormones!!) and said I want DD's name to be changed to double barrel to include my surname. He said 'do what you like.' I have the forms prepared and ready to go. I would never have registered her this way if I thought for a second he wouldn't see his proposal through. I'm so upset by this whole thing and really keen to get it resolved one way or another before the arrival off DC2. AIBU?

Please be kind to me; currently crying in the bath!!

OP posts:
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WindyKnickers · 18/10/2022 21:17

HelloIamhere999 · 18/10/2022 21:06

What is the point in changing her surname. Married or not, he's still her father. The bigger issue is, he no longer wants to marry you. You need to find out why. This may be a deal breaker for you.

These are my thoughts too. Changing her name because you're upset and he can't commit to you seems fairly impulsive. So if it all got smoothed out and you got married in 6 months time would you change it back? I realise marriage and having a "family name" is important to you but the fundamental issue is that you are having a second child with a man you clearly have very serious issues with and your relationship is on the rocks. Your daughter's surname is neither here nor there.

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ClappingWatcher · 18/10/2022 21:17

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:02

I know this deep down. If I could turn back time I wouldn't have met him, but we are where we are I guess

You are where you are but you can change things. Having a child and being pregnant doesn’t mean you’re stuck in a relationship that you seem to know is bad. To say if you could turn back time you wouldn’t have met him, it sounds like you’re really unhappy.

I wouldn’t be buying another house with him. Stop it and have time to work out what you want. If things aren’t good when you’re at the building your family stage, it’s probably not going to get any better. So many women on here have stayed and wish they hadn’t. It’s hard to change things but it’s better than wasting your life with someone that dismisses you and doesn’t care how you feel. Everyone deserves better than that. Have a good think about what you want long term.

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Remainiac · 18/10/2022 21:18

Traditionally children have their mother’s surname, which more often than not would be the same as the father’s. However, times have changed. He’s signed the form, change her name to yours (don’t double-barrell) and give the new baby your surname too. Voila! He’s the odd one out. He had his chance and he blew it. If you do eventually marry (which you won’t because he doesn’t want to), he can change his name to yours and the kids’.

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itwasntmetho · 18/10/2022 21:18

Suprima · 18/10/2022 21:11

So is the plan to continue to tip-toe around and have more babies with someone who treats you like this?

change DD’s name to yours or double barrel if you are feeling generous, and don’t feel guilty about it

That’s not fair.
she’s having a second child not a fourth, he’s been stringing her along and she has good reasons to believe him for some time.

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RightOnTheEdge · 18/10/2022 21:19

He says all that sort of thing is my problem and I shouldn't have picked expensive things etc
Oh OP! It really doesn't sound like a good relationship, he sounds absolutely awful.

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Luredbyapomegranate · 18/10/2022 21:20

Double barrel is fine. Do that.

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Moveoverdarlin · 18/10/2022 21:20

I wouldn’t double-barrel it, I would change it to your name. And obviously the new baby will be your name too. Let him be the odd one out.

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ClappingWatcher · 18/10/2022 21:21

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:15

He says all that sort of thing is my problem and I shouldn't have picked expensive things etc

This is about much more than a surname OP. He really does sound like a complete shit.

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ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 18/10/2022 21:21

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2022 20:39

I should say at this point that we have a generally good relationship

Any discussion at all about the issue results in him storming off

He said 'do what you like

OP I wouldn't call that a generally good relationship. He dismisses you, ignores you and refuses to engage with you about a previously made decision. He seems to not respect you or your needs/wants at all.

Agree. Why buy a house with him? I wouldn't tie myself in any way, shape or form.

Are you sure he's not married to someone else, hence the evasion?

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Pleasegodgotosleep · 18/10/2022 21:22

If he has signed the form to change her name he is telling you, absolutely clearly, that he has no plans to marry you. I would not be giving new baby his name and I would be leaving.

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gumball37 · 18/10/2022 21:24

Change it to double barrel, using yours whenever it isnt something legal.... then at birth, give dd2 your last name.

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LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:25

He only agreed to sign the form with double barrel. I think it's at least better than his name only so I'll go with it. He has previously refused any change at all so at least our names are connected in some way. I just can't understand why I deserve all this; he's had significant MH problems for many years, which I have borne the brunt of, I try with everything I have to give him a great life and I am just so, so sad.

OP posts:
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PicturesOfDogs · 18/10/2022 21:25

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:53

The form is signed.

Did you go with double barrelled, or with your name?

Sorry OP, the whole situation sounds shit

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DontSpeakLatinInFrontOfTheBooks · 18/10/2022 21:25

He’s said “do what you like” so take him at his word and change your daughter’s surname either to your own surname or to have both. And as upsetting and disappointing as it is, stop trying to marry this dickhead.

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viques · 18/10/2022 21:26

Leeds2 · 18/10/2022 20:39

I would change her surname to just yours, no double barrelling. And give your surname alone to your unborn.

This, then that becomes your family surname and he is the odd one out, not that I think it will bother him.

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JulesCobb · 18/10/2022 21:28

Pleasegodgotosleep · 18/10/2022 21:22

If he has signed the form to change her name he is telling you, absolutely clearly, that he has no plans to marry you. I would not be giving new baby his name and I would be leaving.

This. Change her to your name and give baby your name and then when all that is done, tell him to get to fuck.

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Derbee · 18/10/2022 21:28

If I could turn back time I wouldn't have met him, but we are where we are I guess

Why on earth would you want to marry him then?

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missmamiecuddleduck · 18/10/2022 21:28

He sounds horrible, disrespectful, and contempt for you.

I'd be getting some legal advice and putting the house on the market.

He lied and didn't keep his end of the deal.

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usernamealreadytaken · 18/10/2022 21:28

Why don't you just change your surname so you all have the family name? You don't have to get married to do so, and then you and your children can all have the same name. If you get married in future, you won't need to change either of your children's names (possibly again!).

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Workyticket · 18/10/2022 21:29

Op I was in the same position and it took over all of my headspace. I started a thread too and got my arse handed to me about it only being a name

It's so much more and I also felt like I wasn't good enough to marry etc.

I had the forms ready too. Long story short, we did get married (also delayed due to covid)

Dh regrets waiting now, we've not had a cross word since whereas before we argued all the time about it. He says it wasn't that he didn't want to be married, it just wasn't on his radar as something that was a big deal

I'd taken my engagement ring off which bothered him but I'd resigned myself to it. It was off the table completely

Then we went to lunch at a REALLY laid back place out in the sticks that did the most chilled weddings ever. A couple were in booking their wedding while we waited for dinner and on a whim we booked ours too.

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ClappingWatcher · 18/10/2022 21:29

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:25

He only agreed to sign the form with double barrel. I think it's at least better than his name only so I'll go with it. He has previously refused any change at all so at least our names are connected in some way. I just can't understand why I deserve all this; he's had significant MH problems for many years, which I have borne the brunt of, I try with everything I have to give him a great life and I am just so, so sad.

It sounds like it been you making all the effort OP. He doesn’t sound very caring at all.

Do you have family/friends to talk to and support you? You don’t need to rush anything as long as you’re safe, but this doesn’t have to be your life forever. 💐

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Dacadactyl · 18/10/2022 21:29

usernamealreadytaken · 18/10/2022 21:28

Why don't you just change your surname so you all have the family name? You don't have to get married to do so, and then you and your children can all have the same name. If you get married in future, you won't need to change either of your children's names (possibly again!).

What?! I CANNOT BELIEVE posters are advising her to change her own name to that of this absolute loser.

Bad advice OP. Don't do it.

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IrisVersicolor · 18/10/2022 21:30

The name is the least of your problems. You’re pregnant and buying a new house with a man who won’t marry you and has had ‘significant’ mental health problems.

If he doesn’t want to marry you because he doesn’t want to be with you - you need to find out asap. I would put a hold on house until you have sorted this out otherwise you could be wasting a great deal of money.

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abblie · 18/10/2022 21:31

I'm sorry but that post screams to me like your threatening him with marry me or I'm changing my daughters surname!

I would understand if he wasn't in her life and never contributed anything to do with her but c'mon lol

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ScreamingBeans · 18/10/2022 21:31

He doesn't want to marry you. That's the bigger issue here. Yes, change your dd's surname, but also start making preparations for when he dumps you.

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