My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To insist on DD name change?

199 replies

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:24

My DD has just turned 3 and has my DP's surname. On the night before she was born (by arranged C-section), my DP proposed and I thought things couldn't get any more perfect. Given that we were going to be married, I registered her birth and gave her (what I thought would be) our family name.

We booked our wedding for Spring 2020 and my parents paid for all of the deposits, my dress etc. (DP's parents not on the scene). Of course with Covid, we thought postponing the wedding would be the most sensible thing to do and most suppliers agreed to transfer deposits over to a new date.

I should say at this point that we have a generally good relationship, we are in the process of buying a new house and I am currently pregnant with DC2. The wedding/ family name issue has however become a major bone of contention and I am so so upset by it all. DP now acts as though he doesn't want to marry me. I have tried so many times to sit down and have a sensible discussion with him about how important it is to me to have the same family name. Previously I avoided the issue to avoid rocking the boat, but it has become so upsetting for me I can't let it go.

At any mention of the wedding or rearranging a date or family name, he immediately becomes visibly annoyed and comes up with excuse after excuse. He makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong for bringing it up. I have reiterated time and time again that I don't care about a big wedding, all I care about is being a family with the same name, and have suggested just going to the registry office, but he is still evasive. I feel so ashamed that I don't seem to be worthy of being his wife and it's really embarrassing having to make excuses to everyone who asks when our new date will be. I feel ridden with guilt that my parents have spent all this money and he doesn't care. Any discussion at all about the issue results in him storming off. He repeatedly says 'we will get married.. one day' but he's fobbing me off.

After a further attempt tonight to have a discussion about what it means to me, I finally had enough (not sure if pregnancy hormones!!) and said I want DD's name to be changed to double barrel to include my surname. He said 'do what you like.' I have the forms prepared and ready to go. I would never have registered her this way if I thought for a second he wouldn't see his proposal through. I'm so upset by this whole thing and really keen to get it resolved one way or another before the arrival off DC2. AIBU?

Please be kind to me; currently crying in the bath!!

OP posts:
Report
KitchiHuritAngeni · 18/10/2022 20:51

PurpleBananas22 · 18/10/2022 20:41

Of course it wouldn't! A 3 year old has basically no legal paperwork and all it takes is a quick form to complete. . A grown adult will have a hundred different documents, years of historical documents, financial Agreements etc with her surname. The child hasn't even started school Yet.

OP do it. But don't pay a ridiculous amount for rip off deed poll. You can do it yourself with a letter the. Get her a passport in new name.

If he decides to be a bell end about a name change then it absolutely would be better for op to change than go through the courts, where she would be unlikely to get it changed anyways. She was planning on changing it anyways at some point.

Report
JustLyra · 18/10/2022 20:52

He’s not going to sign the form. You know that really.

I know it’s hard (the father of my eldest girls is a knob), but you have much bigger fish to fry than your DD1’s surname by the sounds of it.

Don’t get caught up in one thing that doesn’t make a fundamental difference to your relationship with your daughter and miss the bigger issues in your relationship (which will show her relationships in the future)

Report
Notimeforaname · 18/10/2022 20:52

You’ve got a lot going on with the house and stuff just now. Is he maybe panicking over than and the current rise in the cost of everything and can’t cope with the thought of adding to the expense with a wedding? Even a small one comes with a cost and planning and is he maybe feeling like he can’t take on more planning just now with the new house and new baby?

I did think about this as a possibility too and maybe he just cant articulate it well... but if that was the case all it would take to solve it would be op suggesting to just go to a local registry office with a witness and get it done quickly and cheaply.

OP is it really just the marriage you need or is it the wedding too?
Since you dont talk about it a lot, I wonder if he's confusing marriage and wedding and it's reallyaall the faff hes trying to avoid?
I know deposits have been paid but I think I would feel uncomfortable having to go through with something just because money had been paid iyswim. Just playing devils advocate there.

Maybe it is the whole thing he doesn't want! Either way he has to talk to you or things will just keep breaking down further and being pregnant you really cant afford that.
I hope you can get to a place where he will speak clearly and respectfully to you.

Perhaps you could suggest to him that you'll talk about it another day later this week..so he can have time to purposely think about what hed like to say as he cant go on ignoring the issue?

Report
LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:53

The form is signed.

OP posts:
Report
JustLyra · 18/10/2022 20:53

PurpleBananas22 · 18/10/2022 20:41

Of course it wouldn't! A 3 year old has basically no legal paperwork and all it takes is a quick form to complete. . A grown adult will have a hundred different documents, years of historical documents, financial Agreements etc with her surname. The child hasn't even started school Yet.

OP do it. But don't pay a ridiculous amount for rip off deed poll. You can do it yourself with a letter the. Get her a passport in new name.

The OP isn’t going to be able to do that because the father clearly has no intention of signing the form.

Report
JustLyra · 18/10/2022 20:54

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:53

The form is signed.

That was quick work

Report
Cw112 · 18/10/2022 20:55

I'm curious as to what reasons he's given for continuing to postpone the wedding? To me buying a house together is just as big a commitment and I'd want to know that's he's definitely in for the long haul before I committed to a mortgage. Is he worried about the financial impact of buying redecorating and furnishing a new house with a new baby and holding a wedding at the same time? I know you've said you're happy with a registry office but does he want something more than that but at a different time? Do you have a time frame in mind you're really keen on and would he be more willing to set a date in a year or two from now? I know my dh would struggle with that many major changes at once because he likes to do things in steps and focus on each thing at a time which is good because I'd just jump into everything at once and it does make me slow down and think.

If he can't give you any reasons for why he doesn't want to set a new date then I'd be tempted to tell him I'm not sure I want to commit to a mortgage as he's making you feel insecure in your relationship.

Report
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 18/10/2022 20:55

Are you in the UK? If so, a double barrel with a hyphen (e.g. Smith-Jones) is fine and all our computer systems have no issue. Have just spent a few years in Ireland, however, and 99% of the computer systems (banks, phone companies, health services, insurance etc) don't accept special characters including hyphens. Every time I have to do an online contact form for something in Ireland I can't actually fill it in without mis spelling my own name and some of them don't accept spaces either.
Just to make you aware that this is a thing so you can add or not add a hyphen accordingly. I gave both of mine Babyname Smith Jones so they had the option of what to use.
But overall YANBU.

Report
Notimeforaname · 18/10/2022 20:56

Grand so. She'll have your name in hers.

Now you just need him to speak to you about the actual issue.

He doesn't sound at all interested in your needs. Happy to sign a paper as it doesn't take much effort but not interested in hearing you or understanding you.

Report
LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:57

HighlandPony · 18/10/2022 20:40

Surnames aside the route cause of this is the marriage is it not? You’ve got a lot going on with the house and stuff just now. Is he maybe panicking over than and the current rise in the cost of everything and can’t cope with the thought of adding to the expense with a wedding? Even a small one comes with a cost and planning and is he maybe feeling like he can’t take on more planning just now with the new house and new baby? I think double barrel it if you’re going to but don’t take his off completely

I have been really accommodating with him over the past few years bearing all this you've mentioned in mind... but I genuinely don't care about planning a wedding (I actually think it's too stressful and too much money). The house situation is very recent and the excuses poured in well before then. Money isn't a problem for us either, we both earn similarly good salaries.

OP posts:
Report
blubberyboo · 18/10/2022 20:57

Make sure when DC2 is born he or she only has your surname.
it can be double barrelled if and when he marries you

easier to do that than try to change it back

Report
ClappingWatcher · 18/10/2022 20:57

Would you really want to marry someone like this?

You’re scared to speak to him for fear of upsetting him. He dismisses you and storms off instead of having a necessary discussion like an adult. He doesn’t seem to care you’re upset. If he doesn’t want to get married, he needs to talk to you about that. He sounds childish and uncaring.

Report
LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:58

Cw112 · 18/10/2022 20:55

I'm curious as to what reasons he's given for continuing to postpone the wedding? To me buying a house together is just as big a commitment and I'd want to know that's he's definitely in for the long haul before I committed to a mortgage. Is he worried about the financial impact of buying redecorating and furnishing a new house with a new baby and holding a wedding at the same time? I know you've said you're happy with a registry office but does he want something more than that but at a different time? Do you have a time frame in mind you're really keen on and would he be more willing to set a date in a year or two from now? I know my dh would struggle with that many major changes at once because he likes to do things in steps and focus on each thing at a time which is good because I'd just jump into everything at once and it does make me slow down and think.

If he can't give you any reasons for why he doesn't want to set a new date then I'd be tempted to tell him I'm not sure I want to commit to a mortgage as he's making you feel insecure in your relationship.

Sorry I should say we already own a home together!

OP posts:
Report
LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:59

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2022 20:56

Grand so. She'll have your name in hers.

Now you just need him to speak to you about the actual issue.

He doesn't sound at all interested in your needs. Happy to sign a paper as it doesn't take much effort but not interested in hearing you or understanding you.

You've hit the nail on the head- this is why I am so upset. I told him tonight that If he can't see that then I can't help him.

OP posts:
Report
LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:01

grey12 · 18/10/2022 20:37

Q1 - Is he the father?

Q2 - what is the common naming rule in your culture?

If 1 is yes, then double barrel

Yes he is her father

OP posts:
Report
LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:02

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2022 20:39

I should say at this point that we have a generally good relationship

Any discussion at all about the issue results in him storming off

He said 'do what you like

OP I wouldn't call that a generally good relationship. He dismisses you, ignores you and refuses to engage with you about a previously made decision. He seems to not respect you or your needs/wants at all.

I know this deep down. If I could turn back time I wouldn't have met him, but we are where we are I guess

OP posts:
Report
LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:03

itwasntmetho · 18/10/2022 20:43

You’re definitely doing the right thing. How separate are your finances?

Not separate at all, however we earn almost exactly equal salaries, so not too much of an issue

OP posts:
Report
SD1978 · 18/10/2022 21:04

You can't actually change her name without permission of the other party, if he's named on the birth certificate. Your only option is if he agrees to change it, change your own, or give the new baby a different surname, if you register them

Report
HelloIamhere999 · 18/10/2022 21:06

What is the point in changing her surname. Married or not, he's still her father. The bigger issue is, he no longer wants to marry you. You need to find out why. This may be a deal breaker for you.

Report
BattenburgDonkey · 18/10/2022 21:08

SD1978 · 18/10/2022 21:04

You can't actually change her name without permission of the other party, if he's named on the birth certificate. Your only option is if he agrees to change it, change your own, or give the new baby a different surname, if you register them

She already said he gave permission and has now signed the form…

Report
BattenburgDonkey · 18/10/2022 21:09

Are you happy with it being double barrelled even when you split up? I’d aim to do just the one name change if possible so if you’d be wanting to change it again to just your name I’d do that now. Sounds like your issues are far bigger than just the name though, are you happy to stay with him unmarried forever?

Report
HighlandPony · 18/10/2022 21:11

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 20:57

I have been really accommodating with him over the past few years bearing all this you've mentioned in mind... but I genuinely don't care about planning a wedding (I actually think it's too stressful and too much money). The house situation is very recent and the excuses poured in well before then. Money isn't a problem for us either, we both earn similarly good salaries.

I see what you mean. I just had a thought because how you described him was sort of what I became like with my family before I had a meltdown and we eloped. And it was never that I didn’t want the OH or the marriage it was the pressure of the wedding itself

Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

Suprima · 18/10/2022 21:11

LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:02

I know this deep down. If I could turn back time I wouldn't have met him, but we are where we are I guess

So is the plan to continue to tip-toe around and have more babies with someone who treats you like this?

change DD’s name to yours or double barrel if you are feeling generous, and don’t feel guilty about it

Report
ClaudeMyWinkleman · 18/10/2022 21:13

What about your parents paying the deposits? If he won't marry you he needs to pay them back.

Report
LegallyBlondie · 18/10/2022 21:15

ClaudeMyWinkleman · 18/10/2022 21:13

What about your parents paying the deposits? If he won't marry you he needs to pay them back.

He says all that sort of thing is my problem and I shouldn't have picked expensive things etc

OP posts:
Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.