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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 year old travelling - dummy

134 replies

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 16:03

Hi all,

Hope you're all well!

My 4 year old DD hates travelling and gets super upset when in the back of the car, we've tried many different distractions, but the only thing that reasonably calms her is her dummy ( she has it for bedtime as well). We visited grandparents this weekend and they immediately berated me for letting her have it in the car, but she'd be distraught travelling without. Should I be ditching this for car journeys or will she feel calmer over time or am I being unreasonable in seeing no issue with this as it makes her happier?

Currently it isn't damaging her teeth or speech otherwise I'd definitely consider

OP posts:
MakeWayMoana · 17/10/2022 19:32

@Simonjt no judgement from me because he’s not sucking it, but doesn’t it concern you how his peers will view his holding a dummy at sleepovers etc? My son’s 6 and went on his first beaver camp last weekend - all the children took a teddy, there was even advice sent out about how they would discreetly manage children still in pull-ups, but there wasn’t any children with a dummy and I think my son would’ve thought it weird if there was.

NCHammer2022 · 17/10/2022 19:35

What the heck is wrong with holding her dad’s hand in the car? I often hold DH’s hand if we’re on the bus or something and I’m 36!

Simonjt · 17/10/2022 19:38

MakeWayMoana · 17/10/2022 19:32

@Simonjt no judgement from me because he’s not sucking it, but doesn’t it concern you how his peers will view his holding a dummy at sleepovers etc? My son’s 6 and went on his first beaver camp last weekend - all the children took a teddy, there was even advice sent out about how they would discreetly manage children still in pull-ups, but there wasn’t any children with a dummy and I think my son would’ve thought it weird if there was.

He’s only seven, so he doesn’t go to sleepovers, and no, if he did I wouldn’t be worried, we do things we like, not things other people want us to do.

luckylavender · 17/10/2022 19:40

This is another one of these threads. Everyone - dummies shouldn't be used at 4.5 (honestly this is very well known). OP - every comment - doesn't really agree. Why ask a question if you don't like the answer?

miltonj · 17/10/2022 19:44

I don't think it's too old if it's just for comfort situations and at night. Not great for running round the park etc but I'm guessing she's not doing that!

Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 19:46

luckylavender · 17/10/2022 19:40

This is another one of these threads. Everyone - dummies shouldn't be used at 4.5 (honestly this is very well known). OP - every comment - doesn't really agree. Why ask a question if you don't like the answer?

I think I've been quite agreeable? On balance I think we'll be doing the dummy fairy in the next few weeks, but there's been quite a few comments of other parents with 4yo in dummies. I'm trying to make a balanced opinion based on the wide range of experiences and views and it seems that although quite a few 4yo have them I should be getting rid soon .

I think the only thing I've disagreed on were the oral hygiene, I'm aware the issues dummies can cause and I'm being vigilant of it, I'm not giving my daughter a life with improper speech or crooked teeth

OP posts:
Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 19:47

miltonj · 17/10/2022 19:44

I don't think it's too old if it's just for comfort situations and at night. Not great for running round the park etc but I'm guessing she's not doing that!

Thank you, did you have kids who used them at this age?

OP posts:
Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 19:59

NCHammer2022 · 17/10/2022 19:35

What the heck is wrong with holding her dad’s hand in the car? I often hold DH’s hand if we’re on the bus or something and I’m 36!

I was surprised by this, she's growing up but she's still in that delicate age where she really needs all the support at times. She is a total daddy's girl though

OP posts:
Ohwellwhateverthen · 17/10/2022 20:09

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 19:59

I was surprised by this, she's growing up but she's still in that delicate age where she really needs all the support at times. She is a total daddy's girl though

Show quote history

I think needing a dummy or to hold someone's hand in the car is indicative of some sort of issue. What's the problem with driving? Is she anxious, has she been in the car while there was an accident?

Ffsmakeitstop · 17/10/2022 20:17

When he damaged them we explained that they couldn't be replaced and he did accept that though to be fair they were pretty grim by then.

Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 20:18

Ohwellwhateverthen · 17/10/2022 20:09

I think needing a dummy or to hold someone's hand in the car is indicative of some sort of issue. What's the problem with driving? Is she anxious, has she been in the car while there was an accident?

Show quote history

We'll speak to her, but there's not been a traumatic event in a car such as an accident, I've been speaking to dh about it and the hand holding isn't like a panicked grip it's relatively gentle, just needing it to be there, hopefully that means it's a hurdle we can get over easier

OP posts:
Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 20:19

Ffsmakeitstop · 17/10/2022 20:17

When he damaged them we explained that they couldn't be replaced and he did accept that though to be fair they were pretty grim by then.

I do like this idea, but she's accumulated quite few so we'd he waiting a while haha

OP posts:
Ffsmakeitstop · 17/10/2022 20:33

I have a picture of him taking a nap and he's got a dummy in his mouth and one in each hand. This parenting lark is a bit of a minefield. But I think it's best to make your own decisions and not do what other folk think you should do.

Crazyducklady · 17/10/2022 20:34

Love her! She’s only little. I’ve had 2 dummy lovers. One who gave up at 3.5 when they stopped making his preferred type and another who held out until 5.5 yrs. Car and bed only like your daughter. Both do have ASD admittedly but that makes no odds. They’ve got lovely straight, undamaged teeth and I’d have let them have this bit of comfort regardless of their disability.

Youngest ditched in the summer after his reception year. I told him the shop had stopped selling his dummy so to not loose the last few he had left. I then poked tiny holes in them one by one with a pin so they lost their ‘duck’ and he chucked them out himself! Not a care in the world.

If she was still sucking it at 20 may be time to worry. At 4, not so much.

Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 20:46

Crazyducklady · 17/10/2022 20:34

Love her! She’s only little. I’ve had 2 dummy lovers. One who gave up at 3.5 when they stopped making his preferred type and another who held out until 5.5 yrs. Car and bed only like your daughter. Both do have ASD admittedly but that makes no odds. They’ve got lovely straight, undamaged teeth and I’d have let them have this bit of comfort regardless of their disability.

Youngest ditched in the summer after his reception year. I told him the shop had stopped selling his dummy so to not loose the last few he had left. I then poked tiny holes in them one by one with a pin so they lost their ‘duck’ and he chucked them out himself! Not a care in the world.

If she was still sucking it at 20 may be time to worry. At 4, not so much.

Glad to hear their teeth are fine and they grew up calmly because of this. It does greatly relax her, but think we may have to try this or the fairy trick soon

OP posts:
Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 20:52

Ffsmakeitstop · 17/10/2022 20:33

I have a picture of him taking a nap and he's got a dummy in his mouth and one in each hand. This parenting lark is a bit of a minefield. But I think it's best to make your own decisions and not do what other folk think you should do.

Haha amazing, that's one to dig out for him when he's older, thank you, I definitely needed advice having been challenged but agree parenting is bumbling your way through and as long as they're caring and healthy these bits are much less significant

OP posts:
SkirridHill · 17/10/2022 20:53

Have to say, DD still has one at 4. It's just for bedtime. I'm totally aware it's not great but I've reconciled myself to it as a comfort for her.

DD has always led the way with things, she goes at her own pace and is more advanced in some ways than her peers, particularly in her speech. We've had conversations about giving it up and she knows she can't have it forever. Last dental check up was fine, though the dentist did caution us about the fact it can affect growth in the future so I limited access even further then.

Basically, I know it sucks (hah!) and it's weak ass parenting on my part. But it is what it is.

Also, I'll never stop holding my daughter's hand whilst she still wants me to. We all parent differently.

Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 21:02

SkirridHill · 17/10/2022 20:53

Have to say, DD still has one at 4. It's just for bedtime. I'm totally aware it's not great but I've reconciled myself to it as a comfort for her.

DD has always led the way with things, she goes at her own pace and is more advanced in some ways than her peers, particularly in her speech. We've had conversations about giving it up and she knows she can't have it forever. Last dental check up was fine, though the dentist did caution us about the fact it can affect growth in the future so I limited access even further then.

Basically, I know it sucks (hah!) and it's weak ass parenting on my part. But it is what it is.

Also, I'll never stop holding my daughter's hand whilst she still wants me to. We all parent differently.

Haha same I definitely know and probably should go hard, but apart from that she shouldn't there's no negative impact to it, how have you limited it? She's the same speaks quite fluently for her age.

She'll always have a hug from us as long as she wants it

OP posts:
DC1214 · 17/10/2022 21:17

From memory she did use it at bedtime and we removed it once she was asleep. Main use was when she was overtired, the minute she started using it her whole body relaxed instantly. I think there’s a world of difference between using it for selected circumstances and wandering around with it in their mouths at all times. Sounds like you’re giving it plenty consideration, she’ll be fine!

Bronzeisthecolour · 17/10/2022 21:21

4 is too old for a dummy. I realise this is your first child but please don't send your child to school with a dummy. We kept a dummy too long with ds at night as a comfort (2 years old) but I knew it was my lazy parenting. Sounds like you're doing the same, no 4 year old needs a dummy in the car.

Mariposista · 17/10/2022 21:50

Hugs, kisses - all great as many as possible for as long as possible. But dummies, bottles, nappies? No way

SkirridHill · 17/10/2022 21:56

@AmySma1i We had a conversation after she'd been to the dentist. I explained that we needed to limit the dummy as it would make her teeth grow "funny". When I'm giving The Teeth Warning I always show her the horrible filling I've got, as a cautionary tale (though not sure how long this will fly!).

I've also explained that none of her friends have dummies, but that in life everyone goes at their own pace. She's completely toilet trained and has been dry during the day since around 2 years old and is really confident for her age, so that's my counterbalance! Smile

So, she no longer gets the dummy at all in the day, it's only used as an aid to get her to sleep. Then once she's flat out I nip in her room and pull it out. She's usually good for the rest of the night.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 17/10/2022 22:15

I’m an adult and still have a dummy. My parents got rid of it when I was about 5 and I never forgot about it and coveted them throughout my childhood to the point I stole a few from babies aged around 8 as I was so desperate one. I’ve used them on and off throughout my life into adulthood, the dummies haven’t effected my teeth or caused any issues in my life to be honest. But if you do want to get rid then get her on board by doing something like the dummy fairy, don’t just make her go cold turkey, I’m sure by my parents doing that and making it a forbidden thing I wasn’t allowed it made wanting a dummy when I was 7/8/9 etc a bigger thing than if they’d just let me outgrow it naturally. Removing a child’s comfort item without their consent just seems cruel to me.

miltonj · 18/10/2022 05:28

@AmySma1i no, my eldest gave it up on her own at 1 and I was gutted! Much easier to get her to nap with one in. And my 8 week old won't take one... I'm persevering until she does!!

HowVeryBizarre · 18/10/2022 05:41

I had a dummy fiend DS, only in bed from about age 2 but he was known to dummy shuffle three - one in his mouth and one in each hand. If he was upset we would sometimes find him having a quick suck in his room. We finally lost them when he was 6, yes 6. So shoot me now. He is now a 6” plus adult doing well in life. If giving your DD a dummy for the journey makes her happy then go for it, it is clearly her comfort thing and it really doesn’t impact anyone else.