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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 year old travelling - dummy

134 replies

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 16:03

Hi all,

Hope you're all well!

My 4 year old DD hates travelling and gets super upset when in the back of the car, we've tried many different distractions, but the only thing that reasonably calms her is her dummy ( she has it for bedtime as well). We visited grandparents this weekend and they immediately berated me for letting her have it in the car, but she'd be distraught travelling without. Should I be ditching this for car journeys or will she feel calmer over time or am I being unreasonable in seeing no issue with this as it makes her happier?

Currently it isn't damaging her teeth or speech otherwise I'd definitely consider

OP posts:
Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 17:01

myexisawanker · 17/10/2022 16:58

She likely won't have language for why she hates it so you might need so a whole loads of " I wonder if you don't enjoy the car because"..... it's noisy or makes your bum hurt or you don't like your legs dangling from the seat.
Not closed questions or putting words into her mouth.

We'll try asking these when we strap her in and are sat next to her for the next car journey, I think she's struggled to say why so we've tried to round down any triggers when sat next to her

OP posts:
Thesearmsofmine · 17/10/2022 17:01

Also does she have bottles still? Or just the dummy?

Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 17:03

She sounds very babied sorry to say- holding her dad's hand the whole way and stuff. Has she started school or is she just 4? I would work on maturing her a little bit between now and next year if that's when she starts school.
I also recommend the dummy fairy but not at Christmas because personally I think it's too much to take it with all the Christmas stuff going on too. I'd do it sooner maybe after Halloween?

Give her a travel sickness tablet suitable for her age, switch from harness to normal seat belt if she's big/tall enough and if she's not feeling sick give her some screen time in the car instead- it's a fantastic distraction and means you might even get to have a grown up conversation for a little while 🤣

Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 17:03

Thesearmsofmine · 17/10/2022 17:01

Also does she have bottles still? Or just the dummy?

We try not to only very infrequently when she's ill as we don't want her drinking after brushed teeth

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 17/10/2022 17:04

Dummies cause horrendous (and expensive!) teeth issues. Even looking around her she would see her peers without them. Why wait till xmas - surely get rid of it now to reduce the impact on her teeth. Surely the fact she is using one is impacting on her speech?

I would see travel as a different issue - perhaps she is nauseous ? have you tried any of the travel sick remedies?

Thesearmsofmine · 17/10/2022 17:05

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 17:03

We try not to only very infrequently when she's ill as we don't want her drinking after brushed teeth

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You need to stop those too. Why are you treating her like a baby?

Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 17:06

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 17:03

We try not to only very infrequently when she's ill as we don't want her drinking after brushed teeth

Show quote history

🤦‍♀️ bless her, you've got to cut the apron strings she's 4! Not judging you but just saying, it's too old.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/10/2022 17:06

A 4 year old with a dummy is quite shocking. However that aside maybe try worry beads or gem stones- something for her to hold if she feels anxious when travelling

Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 17:07

Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 17:03

She sounds very babied sorry to say- holding her dad's hand the whole way and stuff. Has she started school or is she just 4? I would work on maturing her a little bit between now and next year if that's when she starts school.
I also recommend the dummy fairy but not at Christmas because personally I think it's too much to take it with all the Christmas stuff going on too. I'd do it sooner maybe after Halloween?

Give her a travel sickness tablet suitable for her age, switch from harness to normal seat belt if she's big/tall enough and if she's not feeling sick give her some screen time in the car instead- it's a fantastic distraction and means you might even get to have a grown up conversation for a little while 🤣

She's started reception but is a july baby so is about 4 and a half. She's still quite tactile and is really comforted by having hand held etc but she's grown up in many other ways and quite mature in terms of intelligence, even emotionally it's just settling down for bed and our car journeys

OP posts:
Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 17:08

Thesearmsofmine · 17/10/2022 17:05

You need to stop those too. Why are you treating her like a baby?

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We don't she's incredibly independent she just holds onto these couple of comforts and I didn't realise it was getting too old, as you often see children her age with them during the day as well

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 17/10/2022 17:10

Yikes! don't give her bottles so much worse for teeth - bottles are meant to go between 6 -12 months. I mean this kindly you need to quickly get up to speed on your child's development as you seem to be a little behind in dental issues knowledge. It happens and given the past couple of years the milestones probably slipped by. Is she in any type of childcare did they not raise the concern about use of a dummy etc?

Get your hands on a reliable source about good dental practices what is age appropriate etc, hopefully she hasn't been impacted too much.

Queenmarie · 17/10/2022 17:11

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 16:35

We'll give it a try at Christmas, I hadn't considered 4 years old too old for her dummy as she still needs it to get to sleep even with all her teddies, but if we need to do it we'll give it a go

Though that's probably only because you haven't tried letting her go to sleep without one...

It really is a bit late OP. The NHS guidance is to get rid by 12 months... To be honest I know plenty of people who have used one after then, but pretty much all given up by two or three.

Mine were both three when we got rid and I had been putting it off for an easy life as they were sooo attached (though had tried with my eldest at two and it was horrific!). It still needed a lot of encouragement at three, they both protested quite a lot, but their understanding was obviously better and bribery more effective

In the end, a replacement small cuddly toy and the promise of another reward once they'd done a whole week worked and they actually slept fine from the first night. Had forgotten within a week and wish I done it a bit earlier!

mumonthehill · 17/10/2022 17:11

She should not be having a dummy or a bottle at 4. I think it is time you help her be a bit more grown up. You need to find ways to distract her in the car, she should not need to hold hands but should be singing along to the radio, playing eye spy or just chatting. We did the dummy fairy at 2 and it worked a treat so do that as soon as you can. As she is 4 she is totally capable of understanding that she no longer needs it.

amylou8 · 17/10/2022 17:17

I distinctly remember going into the corner shop with my Mum to buy a replacement dummy. I was in my school uniform so was at least 4! She even told me not to tell the shop keeper it was for me. I'm 46 and don't still have a dummy, so at some point gave it up naturally without any trauma.

Queenmarie · 17/10/2022 17:23

Queenmarie · 17/10/2022 17:11

Though that's probably only because you haven't tried letting her go to sleep without one...

It really is a bit late OP. The NHS guidance is to get rid by 12 months... To be honest I know plenty of people who have used one after then, but pretty much all given up by two or three.

Mine were both three when we got rid and I had been putting it off for an easy life as they were sooo attached (though had tried with my eldest at two and it was horrific!). It still needed a lot of encouragement at three, they both protested quite a lot, but their understanding was obviously better and bribery more effective

In the end, a replacement small cuddly toy and the promise of another reward once they'd done a whole week worked and they actually slept fine from the first night. Had forgotten within a week and wish I done it a bit earlier!

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Also to say they had only ever had them for sleep (even as babies) so it was a huge association.

Timeturnerplease · 17/10/2022 17:26

Does she get car sick? Both of mine started this around 12mo. Much better forward facing but both do still puke if on journeys longer than about 20 mins. We do audiobooks, water and plain snacks to combat this.

Yupbutnobut · 17/10/2022 17:30

AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 17:08

We don't she's incredibly independent she just holds onto these couple of comforts and I didn't realise it was getting too old, as you often see children her age with them during the day as well

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No you don't.

Gh12345 · 17/10/2022 17:33

Give her the dummy! She’ll grow out of it and I really think it’s not worth the aggravation

YellowTreeHouse · 17/10/2022 17:40

You should have ditched the dummy 3 years ago when she turned one. She’s far too old for it.

You may not notice anything obvious but it will be negatively impacting her oral development as well as her speech.

Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 17:43

mumonthehill · 17/10/2022 17:11

She should not be having a dummy or a bottle at 4. I think it is time you help her be a bit more grown up. You need to find ways to distract her in the car, she should not need to hold hands but should be singing along to the radio, playing eye spy or just chatting. We did the dummy fairy at 2 and it worked a treat so do that as soon as you can. As she is 4 she is totally capable of understanding that she no longer needs it.

We'll try to travel all together first to phase it out then start to leave her in the back just with sis. I've got to get hubby on board as well as he was slower to want to remove in the day

OP posts:
MeridianB · 17/10/2022 17:44

Bottles and dummies are incredibly bad for teeth at this age. The milk squirts across the teeth and ‘bathes’ them in natural sugars.

I wouldn’t wait for Christmas. And I’m saying this as mother of one very sucky child, who loved both.

I’d really recommend going cold turkey asap - do it this week. She will be super upset but you need to maintain your resolve, because it will be the same in a month or Christmas or a year.

If you really can’t face being the bad guy then book an appointment with her dentist asap and get the dentist to ‘tell’ her. Then follow through.

If you start to crumble, Google ‘toddler teeth extractions under general anaesthetic’ 😢

Good luck.

Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 17:45

Gh12345 · 17/10/2022 17:33

Give her the dummy! She’ll grow out of it and I really think it’s not worth the aggravation

Did you have a kid who had one at this age, when did they get rid of it? I think we'll try a little fight if we can handle it delicately with the fairy

OP posts:
Original poster
AmySma1i · 17/10/2022 17:47

MeridianB · 17/10/2022 17:44

Bottles and dummies are incredibly bad for teeth at this age. The milk squirts across the teeth and ‘bathes’ them in natural sugars.

I wouldn’t wait for Christmas. And I’m saying this as mother of one very sucky child, who loved both.

I’d really recommend going cold turkey asap - do it this week. She will be super upset but you need to maintain your resolve, because it will be the same in a month or Christmas or a year.

If you really can’t face being the bad guy then book an appointment with her dentist asap and get the dentist to ‘tell’ her. Then follow through.

If you start to crumble, Google ‘toddler teeth extractions under general anaesthetic’ 😢

Good luck.

This is why we've all but ditched the bottle and definitely after teeth brushing, but as dummies are "orthodontic" I didn't think they caused problems, the dentist didn't raise issues although we didn't bring it up

OP posts:
AloysiusBear · 17/10/2022 17:47

4 is way way too old for dummies!! Thats a school aged child. Most people get rid between 1 & 2. Its terrible for their mouth/teeth and oral development.

At that age she really should be fine with travelling by car without needing a parent sat holding her hand Hmm. Is she relatively immature generally?

AloysiusBear · 17/10/2022 17:49

And no, you don't see four year olds with dummies often.

I don't know anyone who's child had one past approaching 3rd birthday.