How often do you have fights with your other half?

[bookworm1982]

I'm talking like shouting in each other's faces. My husband and I have been together for twenty years. We seem to do it a few times a year. Otherwise we get on well. He thinks it's normal. Is it?

No, that’s not something we’ll tolerate in my household. We have disagreements and differences in opinions and speak about it as adults, decide what to do, if someone is still not happy, they give their reasons and basically it’s a matter of understanding and willingness to compromise from both parties but never shouting, what’s the point. If I won’t shout at a stranger or at colleagues at work, why can’t I extend that politeness to someone I care about.

Shouting in each other's faces? Never. In over a decade of being together, never have we done this.

Disagreeing or letting little annoying things fester until it becomes an issue? Yep. But they're usually hashed out in a cross discussion that lasts all of ten minutes and then it's alright.

Never shouted at each other in 15 years together.

I can never understand people who say arguments are good and a way of getting tension out, with the implication being that the alternative is silent, simmering resentment. There's this other type of communication called talking that works really well.

Not arguing doesn't mean not disagreeing, or not ever being upset or hurt.

We don't shout at each other but we're generally very good at raising issues in a calm manner. I did get quite fiery once when DH managed to lock me out of the house on a hot day for a few hours but even then, I didn't shout in his face. We've been together 13 years.

We have wee squabbles, but have never ever in 19 years shouted in each other's faces. I find that very aggressive.

Just waiting for someone to come along and say that if you EVER argue with your partner,then you are in the minority!

Maybe once in 22 years? But even then it was not in your face. Get on each other’s nerves or bicker a bit, sure. I couldn’t/wouldn’t live that way even if it was once a year!

Never. Not to the point of shouting one of us would walk away to create space before it got that heated or we'd agree to pause and come back to it later. We get snappy and narky at each other but then one will call it out and we will talk it through as a discussion not a row.

Together ten years, never have we done this.
Massive red flag and it would have been over the first time it happened.

I’ve been with my DH for over 30 years and we’ve never shouted at each other. We’re both opinionated (me more so) we’re both a bit stubborn and we have plenty of disagreements. But we’ve never shouted at each other.

I don’t think shouting is necessarily the sign of a bad relationship, though. I grew up in a shouty household. It’s how we were. I don’t think it was a particularly bad way to communicate, providing it doesn’t make anyone scared and it doesn’t drag on. There are worse things I’ve seen in non-shouty households.

Do people who think this is normal have kids? I'd hate them witnessing this a it's frightening for them and b they learn to solve conflict by yelling and screaming at others

@ComtesseDeSpair

I don't shout in my other half's face and we certainly don't scream at each other.
We do argue occasionally as I mentioned in my reply which is resolved quickly.

My question was not snipey in anyway just general curiosity. My mother is in a relationship where she puts up with a lot of crap, mainly because she's become passive.

She would be the first person to state they don't argue so therefore have a great relationship when that clearly isn't the case. She just accepts his shitty behaviour.

She won't be the only woman who is like that, or man. Hence my question about if anyone feels they are passive.

I agree, @NumberTheory . Shouty households aren’t necessarily unhappy or abusive , some people find it cathartic to have a rant and then it’s all over.

Tbh, I’d prefer to grow up in an occasionally shouty home than in my DH’s repressed family, where emotions were never shown and anything awkward or unpleasant was ignored/everyone pretended it wasn’t happening. I’d rather have an good argument than be so repressed!

Same as you, a couple of times a year or so I reckon. I'm in particular a 'passionate' person shall we say. It's calmed as we've got older, we've been together 20 years and got together at 20. I find it interesting that some couples never shout. I can't imagine living my life so calmly all the time

About once a year. Not in the face but bad enough that it’s painful ( to the heart. )

Never.

Tbf it's down to him, he doesn't like arguing with anyone. He hates conflict.

I am a bit scrappy.

i have had blazing rows in a different relationship but not this one, you can't argue with silence and I know that it effects him whereas I was used to it growing up with 3 sisters, arguing was normalised.

We're together 17 years so doing well.

ALongHardWinter · Today 21:26
Just waiting for someone to come along and say that if you EVER argue with your partner,then you are in the minority!

Just waiting fir someone to come along and said that if you EVER argue with your partner, you are abusive and should leave the family home immediately.

I can remember dating three particular guys when I was single.

On one occasion with each of them we disagreed about something and they started shouting at me.
Each time I got up and walked away saying "I don't take abuse" and I refused to see them again.
To me shouting is abuse.

Been married 35 years and we have never rowed like that. The worst it might ever get is if one of us feels a bit huffy and makes a few irritated comments but even that hardly ever happens and soon blows over.

I honestly couldn't live like that. Neither of us are shouty people and we would both hate that.

Probably the same as you. Its good to have a blow put every once in a while. It's almost always over something trivial, clears the air.
I'm from a very emotional family with lots of loud rowing followed by even louder reconciliation.

I strongly disagree with this but I guess it does depend on the type of person you are and if it works for you. When it comes to conflict it seems you are either the type of person who agrees with the good blow out theory or you are the type of person who absolutely hates it. If you try to force someone who hates it in to a shouty row then it won't solve anything, just make it worse.

Had an ex-SIL who came from a family who believed in a good row to clear the air. PILs on the other hand are the type who are horrified at any type of scene. It didn't end well - note the ex - and they are still NC with their DS after 30+ years as a result.

None now, we had our fair share while we moved in together. Now it works like well-oiled machine, I guess we just talked through all serious stuff and small things don't make us yell at each other.

Shouting in each other's faces, never. Been together nine years and we've never done this.

I can think of perhaps three or four occasions where one has snapped at the other and then quickly apologised. Otherwise the closest we get is a hard look and a sigh if one is being annoying!

We've been together 15 years and have never done this. What on earth are you arguing about that causes this much intimidation on both parts? I'd be reconsidering my choice of husband if he was screaming in my face, or causing me to scream in his.

Just 2 arguments in 4 years...both his fault obviously

There's a massive difference between having an argument and having a shouting match or one person shouting into the other's face though. The latter is really unacceptably aggressive.

We'll have differences of opinion where the debate might get a little heated, but still not shouting and never any insults or swearing. I've known DH for over twenty years and have never heard him swear angrily or act aggressively, and I don't either. That would be very disrespectful.

FWIW I don't believe that people should be excused for saying awful things just because they were angry either. Of course they meant it, they wouldn't have said it otherwise...

Couple of times a year, maybe? Not 'in each other's faces' like, getting up close and shouting - that sounds aggressive. But the occasional row where we'll end up yelling. They're always about little things and a sign that we need to (when we're calmer) sit and have a proper heart to heart because there's something else going on underneath.

For example, last week we had a proper row over measuring the space for wardrobes in our bedroom. I said it was one way, he said it was the other, we ended up raising voices and shouting "You don't fucking listen!" / "Fine I won't measure the alcoves then we'll just leave all our clothes on the floor forever" / "Now you're just being childish" etc. I stomped off to the kitchen, he stomped off to the garage.

An hour later when we'd both chilled out we spent a few hours talking about how we're stressed about money at the moment and it's making us both have lower tolerance, how to address things, and to apologise to each other for shouting. I've been worried because of my health and he's been worried about work and we'd been letting it simmer away. It wasn't nice and I don't by any means consider it the best way to communicate - usually we're good at resolving disagreements/concerns calmly - but we're human and sometimes we get communication wrong when we're stressed. What matters to us is recognising when we fuck it up, acknowledging what we did wrong and finding a solution.