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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my partner for a vasectomy

457 replies

Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 06:28

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

OP posts:
NicolaSixSix · 18/10/2022 00:32

AloysiusBear · 17/10/2022 06:44

What about a copper coil OP?

No hormones, no babies :) doctors are quiet about it (they were paid to push hormonal versions) but its a great solution and it costs the NHS pence.

I was offered a copper coil multiple times.

doctors don’t “get paid” for stuff here. They get wages at the end of the month.

save your conspiracy theories for yourself

StupidSmallFruit · 18/10/2022 00:35

There is nothing wrong with asking a long term partner to consider a vasectomy. Nothing at all. If some women don’t want to, that’s on them.

It is OK to ask partners do think about something - really, it is. It’s 2022, after all.

The point I’ve been hammering on here remains - many men don’t even have to be asked.

They offer.

They’re happy to do it.

They want to share the load.

They recognise they’re part of a team.

They’re decent men.

Teaandtoast35 · 18/10/2022 00:43

Absolutely he should have a vasectomy! Think of all you have been through over the years! (I say this as a sufferer of rmc — it’s very scary to think of being pregnant again). It’s his turn to step up for the family.

PickAnyName · 18/10/2022 01:54

He doesn’t have to have surgery, but both of you need to consider other methods of contraception.

TuxedoJunction · 18/10/2022 05:21

MrsKeats · 17/10/2022 21:14

Is there a reason you aren't married op?
I wouldn't be ending my fertility for someone I wasn't married to at the very least.

I was wondering this too…..

HowVeryBizarre · 18/10/2022 05:46

DH was supposed to have a vasectomy after our second, never got round to it. He had it done when our unplanned third was a few weeks old as he knew that was the only way he was ever having sex again! Sod squeamish, that is so selfish of your DH if you are relying on NHS.

whowhatwhen · 18/10/2022 06:15

We just use condoms, it's not rocket science. We're 40, done having children and neither is us wants surgery. Super simple.

Original poster
Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 07:19

CrushingAndClueless · 17/10/2022 23:25

I’ve had two Mirena coils and they were both a nightmare for different reasons:

Coil 1:

Was uncomfortable, but bearable, to have it inserted but then 6 weeks later my strings disappeared. I was sent off for an ultrasound scan and they said said they coil was still in there but it had migrated upwards and the strings had followed. I was told it wouldn’t be a problem until I wanted the coil removed.

When I did go and get it removed I explained to the GP that my strings were actually in my womb and she used a device that I can only describe as a mini mascara brush that she inserted through my cervix and then started twisting it around in the hope that of its claws/hooks would catch one of the strings and allow for removal. It hurt so much, it was just awful.

Sadly the technique didn’t work and I had to be referred to a specialist clinic to have it removed by a gynaecologist with my legs in stirrups and a light shining between my legs. The procedure used was excruciatingly painful, I was in tears, and it was so degrading. The whole process of first going to my GP to get it removed to it actually being removed took about 5-6 months.

Coil 2.

About a year or so after the birth of my first baby I decided to have another coil because I can’t take any form of hormonal contraceptive. I was absolutely dreading and the insertion was so, so painful that I was squeezing the nurse’s hand and had tears in my eyes as the doctor basically shoved it inside me.

Whereas with my first coil my periods had pretty much disappeared (one good point) when I had my second coil I bled almost every day for about 8 months. I kept being told it was “normal” and after about 9 months I’d had enough and asked my GP to remove it who just kept brushing me off. In the end I just lied and said me and DH wanted to TTC and that’s what made them agree to remove it.

Thank God it’s removal was very very quick and straightforward.

After my second baby my husband offered to go and get vasectomy as I’d had two tough pregnancies, two caesareans and two very awful experiences of contraception and he said he didn’t want to put me through anything else.

I have extremely heavy periods and anaemia and the doctors just keep pushing for me to have a Coil but I have said point blank that I will never have one of those again.

For some women they are amazing, in fact
my first one was perfect until it came to removing it, but they also come with their own sets of problems.

Show quote history

That’s sounds awful I’m so sorry! @CrushingAndClueless I’m starting to be more weary about the coil. I’ve heard plenty in the press about some womens horror stories (of course you never hear the successful ones) but I’m not sure I want to go to the coil route 😬.

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 07:20

HowVeryBizarre · 18/10/2022 05:46

DH was supposed to have a vasectomy after our second, never got round to it. He had it done when our unplanned third was a few weeks old as he knew that was the only way he was ever having sex again! Sod squeamish, that is so selfish of your DH if you are relying on NHS.

Did you DH go privately? Do you know more about wait times if we looked down this route?

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 07:35

NicolaSixSix · 18/10/2022 00:32

I was offered a copper coil multiple times.

doctors don’t “get paid” for stuff here. They get wages at the end of the month.

save your conspiracy theories for yourself

Show quote history

Doctors do get paid on top of their wage for pushing certain things. My DPs school friend is a doc in a hospital and they even get paid additional for signing things like death certificates. He said that when he was a junior Doc they’d fight over signing the certificates lol. Then they get paid additional for pushing certain vaccines ect. He’s not a GP mind and works down south and this is just one person who we know. Not sure if it’s his specific hospital

OP posts:
StupidSmallFruit · 18/10/2022 07:38

Then they get paid additional for pushing certain vaccines ect.

I highly doubt that.

youlightupmyday · 18/10/2022 07:40

Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 07:06

Also about the coil/implant. I haven’t ever been on any of them as I worried that I’d have bad mental side effects and then have to fight gp to get them back out as I’d heard horror stories about things like that. Any advice on these would be great too! Anyone had these would have had bad mental health side affects on the different pill but been fine on coil/implant?

Implant was even worse from me. My partner had the snip. He was squeamish but didn't want me to get pregnant so 🤷‍♀️

middleofthelittle · 18/10/2022 07:44

StupidSmallFruit · 18/10/2022 07:38

Then they get paid additional for pushing certain vaccines ect.

I highly doubt that.

Each GP surgery in our area received £20 per covid jab. My mate is a office manager of a GP practice. They do get incentives for things like baby vaccines, flu jabs and diabetics checks, and yes at one point the coil.

OP I would just got private costs £400-£500.
Done within 2 weeks.

Original poster
Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 07:47

StupidSmallFruit · 18/10/2022 07:38

Then they get paid additional for pushing certain vaccines ect.

I highly doubt that.

Yeah I was shocked but just want I was told. Reliable source 🤷🏼‍♀️ It was more in link with a conversation about the covid vaccines

OP posts:
Megifer · 18/10/2022 07:50

StupidSmallFruit · 17/10/2022 19:20

Clearly all the men who get vasectomies disagree with you on this point.

Show quote history

The ones who are ok with getting it done you mean? Well yes, obviously 🤣

StupidSmallFruit · 18/10/2022 07:53

Megifer · 18/10/2022 07:50

The ones who are ok with getting it done you mean? Well yes, obviously 🤣

Show quote history

So we’re agreed then - it’s not unfair to use that argument.

Megifer · 18/10/2022 08:14

StupidSmallFruit · 18/10/2022 07:53

So we’re agreed then - it’s not unfair to use that argument.

Show quote history

Well not in that case no, again obviously

Celestialmoonface · 18/10/2022 08:20

I don’t understand why women always have to put chemicals in our bodies to stop pregnancy when we are in long term marriages with children. My husband doesn’t want a vasectomy either so it’s a bit of a stale mate. I’m happy to have more children so if he doesn’t want any more I’ve told him it’s condoms from now on.

StupidSmallFruit · 18/10/2022 08:21

Look, if a load of men don’t think it’s an unfair argument, then it clearly doesn’t hold water.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 18/10/2022 08:26

passport123 · 17/10/2022 06:53

What nonsense. We're not paid to push the hormonal version. I fit loads of copper coils. As long as the woman is happy to accept the risk of much heavier and longer periods, which are a common side effect

Show quote history

I find this a bit strange from a doctor..”much heavier and longer periods”. It sounds to me like you are still trying to put people off. Not everyone with copper coils experiences this. Mine are no different. Some people experience no change, some experience mildly heavier and some experience very heavy periods…but your choice of words is disconcerting.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 18/10/2022 08:33

Copper coil has been a godsend for me, I am on my third-works extremely effectively and no hormones!

I fall into the camp of not forcing someone to get an operation they don’t want, my DH is not keen on the idea of a vasectomy however I am quite happy to have a copper coil. He would not force me to do something against my will so vice versa. Plus he wouldn’t be averse to further children whereas as far as I’m concerned this womb is permanently closed for business 😂

vivainsomnia · 18/10/2022 08:56

I once when on a date with a guy who was emotionally destroyed. It was so sad. The story was: he was married, 2 kids, wife like many here suggest wouldn't have sex until he had the snip. He didn't want to but felt he had no choice. The thing is children and sex was only the catalyst of a relationship that wasn't solid anyway and inevitably, they divorced.

He then fell madly in love with a work colleague who was 10 years younger. They married, all was good except she was desperate for a child. They were not rich but saved everything to pay for a reversal. It didn't work, by then she was 38. They saved more for IVF and again it failed. It killed them and she left.

The poor guy was so devastated and said he would never get over being deceived by his first wife believing that sex would resume after the snip.

No guy should ever be pressured or blackmail into it. There are condoms for a reason.

Herejustforthisone · 18/10/2022 09:00

The time it takes to insert a coil is probably longer than it takes to perform a vasectomy. I imagine a vasectomy is less painful too as for that, men are given pain relief. I had quite a lot of pain for a few days after while it ‘settled’.

I’ve had multiple coils. I actually, despite all the pain I had with them, considered myself quite lucky, as I’d heard many different stories from my friends. One friend was encouraged to have one by a doctor, who fitted it there and then. Constant pain, awful side effects and within a week was begging to have it out. The doctor refused and she had to wait months and months and months, suffering all the while, until the NHS sexual health clinic was able to give her an appointment.

Another friend had similar with the implant. To the point of wanting to cut it out herself with a Stanley knife.

Is your partner prepared for condoms or abstention if he’s not prepared for a vasectomy @Foreveranxious22?

paintitallover · 18/10/2022 09:06

It's his body, his choice. But happy to put you through more discomfort because he's "very squeamish " sends a message, doesn't it?

paintitallover · 18/10/2022 09:06

About his comfort levels (with an anaesthetic) compared to yours without.

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