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AIBU?

To ask my partner for a vasectomy

448 replies

Foreveranxious22 · 17/10/2022 06:28

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.
Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

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passport123 · 18/10/2022 09:07

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 18/10/2022 08:26

I find this a bit strange from a doctor..”much heavier and longer periods”. It sounds to me like you are still trying to put people off. Not everyone with copper coils experiences this. Mine are no different. Some people experience no change, some experience mildly heavier and some experience very heavy periods…but your choice of words is disconcerting.

I'm making sure that consent is informed, which is my job. If I fitted a coil without informing the woman of the benefits and the risks, that would be clinical negligence. The copper coil has been shown to increase menstrual loss by on average about 50%, so it would be irresponsible not to inform women of this possibility, in the same way that I inform them of likely irregular bleeding in the first 3-6m and then amenorrhoea with the IUS.

I've fitted hundreds of coils over the years - probably close to a thousand or more than that. In my experience, the rate of women coming back to have a copper coil taken out in the first 6 months is vastly more than those having an IUS. Yes, some people are sensitive to the hormones, but most who come and and ask for a copper coil are doing so on the basis of urban myths that they have heard and when fully counselled with the pros and cons of each choose and IUS and are happy with it. I'm pleased for you that you're one of those who hasn't had increased bleeding, because in that case it's an excellent method.

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itrytomakemyway · 18/10/2022 09:14

Then it's no to sex.

My DH put aside his fear of ops and pain because he loves me and knew that our family was complete.

I'm afraid I would not be able to respect a man who put a few days of minor inconvenience before what was better for his partner and their existing children. I cannot understand how any man who has been present during childbirth cannot see how a vasectomy is a better option than an unplanned pregnancy.

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Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 09:18

itrytomakemyway · 18/10/2022 09:14

Then it's no to sex.

My DH put aside his fear of ops and pain because he loves me and knew that our family was complete.

I'm afraid I would not be able to respect a man who put a few days of minor inconvenience before what was better for his partner and their existing children. I cannot understand how any man who has been present during childbirth cannot see how a vasectomy is a better option than an unplanned pregnancy.

Hi @itrytomakemyway do you think that abstinence is achievable? Isn’t a fundamental part of a relationship sex? I personally just feel that if I wasn’t having sex with DP he’d just be my mate I live with. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don’t know. It’s come up a lot on this thread and it’s the one that’s really confused me. Do women just have sex cos their partner wants it opposed to actually wanting to themselves do you think?

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Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 09:19

Teaandtoast35 · 18/10/2022 00:43

Absolutely he should have a vasectomy! Think of all you have been through over the years! (I say this as a sufferer of rmc — it’s very scary to think of being pregnant again). It’s his turn to step up for the family.

I’m sorry for your losses ❤️ @Teaandtoast35

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Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 09:23

TuxedoJunction · 18/10/2022 05:21

I was wondering this too…..

I guess mainly just due to life 🤷🏼‍♀️ We always found the money to spend elsewhere. We’ve spoke about it and it’ll happen one day (I want to have the same second name as my DDs) but we’re just not really people who like the spot light and the idea of me walking down the aisle and everyone looking at me gives me hives 😂. I think when it does finally happen it’ll be very low key, pop into the registry office on a Wednesday afternoon kind of low key lol.

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itrytomakemyway · 18/10/2022 09:25

The no to sex? Yes, for me it would be achievable because I just could not have sex with a man I had lost all respect for.

My husband 100% made the decision for himself so for me the question never arose. He did it because it was the right thing to do. We both wanted two children. Had we had another it would have had a serious impact on our finances. In addition I did not want to have another pregnancy - I was in my late 30s when our second was born.

I also struggle to understand the POV of earlier posters who say they didn't want ot take away their partner's fertility in case they split up. Maybe I am just lucky, but I would not have married or had two children with a man with an idea in my head that I would need to leave a 'door open' for him to leave and start a new relationship.

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Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 09:28

Herejustforthisone · 18/10/2022 09:00

The time it takes to insert a coil is probably longer than it takes to perform a vasectomy. I imagine a vasectomy is less painful too as for that, men are given pain relief. I had quite a lot of pain for a few days after while it ‘settled’.

I’ve had multiple coils. I actually, despite all the pain I had with them, considered myself quite lucky, as I’d heard many different stories from my friends. One friend was encouraged to have one by a doctor, who fitted it there and then. Constant pain, awful side effects and within a week was begging to have it out. The doctor refused and she had to wait months and months and months, suffering all the while, until the NHS sexual health clinic was able to give her an appointment.

Another friend had similar with the implant. To the point of wanting to cut it out herself with a Stanley knife.

Is your partner prepared for condoms or abstention if he’s not prepared for a vasectomy @Foreveranxious22?

Condoms - yes. We were until we had a stupid slip up and then a scare. This is where the original ‘deal’ came from.
Abstinence - no. Is this really achievable in a relationship. Isn’t that what forms the foundations of us being committed partners to each other? Without sex were just mates who live together and co parents our DDs. Would love your option on this but I feel like sex is too important for us.

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viques · 18/10/2022 09:32

KimberleyClark · 17/10/2022 07:12

Some information about female sterilisation, it’s not such major surgery as it used to be and many women return home the same day.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/female-sterilisation/

And post vasectomy men go home within an hour.

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itrytomakemyway · 18/10/2022 09:35

If sex is important to both of you - and I agree it is an important part of a loving relationship - then your aprtner shoudl be doing what he can to ensure that it can be enjoyed by both of you. If you cannot take the pill and have have already have one scare using condoms then how can it be enjoyable? That fear of a slip up will always be there.

If the only think preventing a man getting a vasectomy is fear of the pain then, as I have said, I lose all respect for them.

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Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 09:35

itrytomakemyway · 18/10/2022 09:25

The no to sex? Yes, for me it would be achievable because I just could not have sex with a man I had lost all respect for.

My husband 100% made the decision for himself so for me the question never arose. He did it because it was the right thing to do. We both wanted two children. Had we had another it would have had a serious impact on our finances. In addition I did not want to have another pregnancy - I was in my late 30s when our second was born.

I also struggle to understand the POV of earlier posters who say they didn't want ot take away their partner's fertility in case they split up. Maybe I am just lucky, but I would not have married or had two children with a man with an idea in my head that I would need to leave a 'door open' for him to leave and start a new relationship.

Wholeheartedly agree about the comments about potential future women 🤦🏼‍♀️. But personally I haven’t lost respect for him. It’s his body 🤷🏼‍♀️Of course I’d love him to just do it cos I don’t think it’s a big deal, not much can scare me after having two kids lol. But to my partner it is a big deal. He is just a wimp lol. I don’t need him to be this big strong man or this traditional idea that men are strong and good with his hands and builds shit out of nothing. His job is definitely not manual and he’s the worst DIYer ever, he asks his dad to put anything up for us 😂. He works hard at his job and has built this life me and his girls live, out of nothing. If he decides he’s not going to go through with the Vasectomy then we’ll have to find another route.

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Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 09:36

itrytomakemyway · 18/10/2022 09:35

If sex is important to both of you - and I agree it is an important part of a loving relationship - then your aprtner shoudl be doing what he can to ensure that it can be enjoyed by both of you. If you cannot take the pill and have have already have one scare using condoms then how can it be enjoyable? That fear of a slip up will always be there.

If the only think preventing a man getting a vasectomy is fear of the pain then, as I have said, I lose all respect for them.

Yes, very right about that fear

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blobby10 · 18/10/2022 09:41

OP I used to have a similar reaction to oral contraceptives and minor allergy to condoms but luckily after 3 Emergency C sections, my husband volunteered to have the snip as he felt I'd been through enough! Also luckily his consultant was a no-nonsense sort who, when H brought up the possibility of a GA for his 'operation' responded "A GA is really not necessary for a procedure as minor as this" in such a superior tone my H stopped behaving like a diva! (H may or may not have also been told that unless he did have the snip there would be no sex ever again!!)

Since then I have actually had a coil fitted and wish I'd done it years ago! No side effects whatsoever, no pain on insertion, no bother at all. I'm 53 now, divorced and totally done with sex, men and relationships anyway but coil will be in place until I'm through menopause.

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itrytomakemyway · 18/10/2022 09:42

Trust me, my DH is not macho DIY type!!!!! What he is though is considerate, loving and responsible.

He is terrible with pain - takes paracetamol at the drop of a hat. He was not looking forward to his op at all, but once it was done with he was glad he had it done (as was I) and the pain and discomfort was really not as bad as he had feared.

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Megifer · 18/10/2022 09:45

Condoms and rhythm method op, very effective when used together.

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Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 09:47

itrytomakemyway · 18/10/2022 09:42

Trust me, my DH is not macho DIY type!!!!! What he is though is considerate, loving and responsible.

He is terrible with pain - takes paracetamol at the drop of a hat. He was not looking forward to his op at all, but once it was done with he was glad he had it done (as was I) and the pain and discomfort was really not as bad as he had feared.

Yeah I think ‘responsible’ is a good word you used. Thank you for your advice. This is the kind I was after when I made the original post. I just want info I can throw at him to help ease him.
Just cos I won’t force him doesn’t mean I’m
not trying to convince him lol.
Agree about men reaching for the paracetamol 😂He couldn’t understand why I didn’t want an epidural with DD2 (first one with DD1 trapped a nerve down my leg which still bothers me today) and seemed a bit blow away I did it without 😂 probably why women give birth and men don’t 🤦🏼‍♀️

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Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 09:47

Megifer · 18/10/2022 09:45

Condoms and rhythm method op, very effective when used together.

What’s the rhythm method @Megifer ?

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Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 09:49

blobby10 · 18/10/2022 09:41

OP I used to have a similar reaction to oral contraceptives and minor allergy to condoms but luckily after 3 Emergency C sections, my husband volunteered to have the snip as he felt I'd been through enough! Also luckily his consultant was a no-nonsense sort who, when H brought up the possibility of a GA for his 'operation' responded "A GA is really not necessary for a procedure as minor as this" in such a superior tone my H stopped behaving like a diva! (H may or may not have also been told that unless he did have the snip there would be no sex ever again!!)

Since then I have actually had a coil fitted and wish I'd done it years ago! No side effects whatsoever, no pain on insertion, no bother at all. I'm 53 now, divorced and totally done with sex, men and relationships anyway but coil will be in place until I'm through menopause.

Yes! I’ve ask him to speak to the GP and just have a conversation with them as if feel like if I’m he spoke to an actual professional - especially a no nonsense one - it would help him.

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Overandunderit · 18/10/2022 09:50

How about we don't coerce our loved ones into elective surgery?

Use condoms. He is not BU to say no but has to recognise this means in terms of being careful.

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Mischance · 18/10/2022 09:56

My OH did not want the snip; but then a few months later it turned out he had booked it. He just needed time to get used to the idea. Ironically a year or so later I had to have a hysterectomy - belt and braces job!!

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Megifer · 18/10/2022 09:58

Tracking your cycle and trying not to shag when you're fertile 😬 i use the Flo app now after some friends recommended it, its pretty much spot on once you've entered a few cycles worth of data, but before that i bought a batch of ovulation sticks (which freaked DP out when he saw them, he thought they were pregnancy tests 😂)

Decided to do that as I didn't want the coil, i refused sterilisation offer during a section (despite huge pressure from the consultant - another birth would likely cause me major issues) didn't want pills etc, discussed vasectomy with DP but he wasn't keen and I wasn't either for him tbh as we both know men who have had long term problems and I respect him and love him and didn't want to pressure him into getting it done, as he didn't with me despite that being probably the easiest choice, so we went for the other easy option

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WalkingThroughTreacle · 18/10/2022 10:00

"I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish".

I'm embarrassed for him.

I had a vasectomy in my mid twenties. Local anaesthetic, in and out in an hour or two. It was painful for a few days but no worse than taking a kick in the nuts, a few of which I've had over the years :)

The thing that made it a no-brainer for me, once we'd decided our family was complete, was sitting down with my wife and going through all the various options. Until then, I must admit, I really had no concept of exactly what "the pill" or other forms of female contraception actually entailed. Once I understood the options it was a no brainer and if a man won't take a kick in the nuts to save his wife/partner from enduring years of hormonal contraception, or the risk of an unwanted pregnancy, then he doesn't deserve her.

Sit him down and make sure he understands all the ramifications for you if he doesn't get the snip. If he still feels squeamish then he needs to take a long hard look at himself.

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Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 10:03

Megifer · 18/10/2022 09:58

Tracking your cycle and trying not to shag when you're fertile 😬 i use the Flo app now after some friends recommended it, its pretty much spot on once you've entered a few cycles worth of data, but before that i bought a batch of ovulation sticks (which freaked DP out when he saw them, he thought they were pregnancy tests 😂)

Decided to do that as I didn't want the coil, i refused sterilisation offer during a section (despite huge pressure from the consultant - another birth would likely cause me major issues) didn't want pills etc, discussed vasectomy with DP but he wasn't keen and I wasn't either for him tbh as we both know men who have had long term problems and I respect him and love him and didn't want to pressure him into getting it done, as he didn't with me despite that being probably the easiest choice, so we went for the other easy option

Ohh right, I didn’t realise that’s what it was called! Yeah this is what we’re where doing. When I said we had a slip up when using condoms it’s cos I was tracking my cycle (I’ve been using Ovia but I will check flo out!) and the month had gotten away from me and before I knew it it was cycle day 14 and it wasn’t until after I checked, cue a period that was 2 days late, pure panic 😬

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Stravaig · 18/10/2022 10:08

So many coercive, controlling, abusive women on this thread.

If you want to ensure that you cannot get pregnant ever again then take responsibility for your own fertility and get yourself sterilised. Then you are protected with any future partners as well as your current one. Do not coerce your partner into doing what you refuse to do.

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Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 10:10

WalkingThroughTreacle · 18/10/2022 10:00

"I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish".

I'm embarrassed for him.

I had a vasectomy in my mid twenties. Local anaesthetic, in and out in an hour or two. It was painful for a few days but no worse than taking a kick in the nuts, a few of which I've had over the years :)

The thing that made it a no-brainer for me, once we'd decided our family was complete, was sitting down with my wife and going through all the various options. Until then, I must admit, I really had no concept of exactly what "the pill" or other forms of female contraception actually entailed. Once I understood the options it was a no brainer and if a man won't take a kick in the nuts to save his wife/partner from enduring years of hormonal contraception, or the risk of an unwanted pregnancy, then he doesn't deserve her.

Sit him down and make sure he understands all the ramifications for you if he doesn't get the snip. If he still feels squeamish then he needs to take a long hard look at himself.

Thank you for your perspective! Was it like a ‘proper’ medical procedure? Did it seem daunting? I say this cos like when women get a smear for example, I feel like it’s quite low key and doesn’t seem daunting for me. By this I mean it’s not a white sterile room with big bright lights shining on you while you lay on your back feeling venerable. Are you asked to wear a gown? Or is it in and out, pull your pants back on and off you go type thing? Not comparing the two things, just want to paint my DP a picture of what it’s like. @WalkingThroughTreacle

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Foreveranxious22 · 18/10/2022 10:12

Vulnerable** that was suppose to say, sorry

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