To ask my partner for a vasectomy

[Foreveranxious22]

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

Also, let’s be totally honest, no one actively enjoys using condoms.

Any man who says he ‘can’t’ use condoms is full of shit and can fuck off, but being realistic, the interruption, the sensation, the disposal, having it in the bin, it pulling on your sensitive skin if there’s not enough lube… they’re lifesaving and brilliant. But not in anyway an exciting addition to sex.

So, with that in mind, you’d think your partner (assuming he does actually respect your bodily autonomy and desire to not fuck yourself up with more hormonal contraceptives and ones that require medical insertion and removal, and isn’t just paying lip service) would see vasectomy as a really great option.

One to add to the mix, my ex DH had a vasectomy AFTER we separated as he didn't want to have another family. As he was worried about SM dynamics.

It is amusing, the excuse being peddled out about all these men needing to start new families. As if their existing kids would fall by the wayside, if something were to happen to their partner.

DH is 50 in a couple of years - our DC are getting older, and the huge commitment we’ve devoted to them will start to ease. And I won’t even go there, re the financial commitment!

He is looking forward to the relative freedom that comes with having adult children who look after themselves. No way on earth either of us would want to start again with babies, toddlers, nappies, sleepless night, years of child-rearing, etc, etc.

In fact, it reads to me that any man who isn’t looking forward to having a bit of freedom back is probably exactly the sort of man that never gave up his ‘freedom’ anyway. And having another baby later in life wouldn’t impact on him much because he’d leave it all to his partner.

And so we come back - once again - to the two camps of men we’re dealing with on this issue…..

I thoroughly enjoyed being a 'stay at home dad'. I was even the chair of the local NCT for a year or two. A second baby wouldn't have been a disaster but neither of us really wanted another. I still remember being in a baby massage class when my baby had a massive 'nappy fail'. It all washed off easily enough. I did ponder that a year previously I had been in Japan trying to persuade a customer not to return some equipment valued at a quarter of a Million quid that I was working on.

I had a vasectomy a couple of years ago. I've never wanted children of my own and had a step-daughter with my wife (who I have a good relationship with) so it was an easy decision for me to make.

I certainly wouldn't say it's something to be belittled though. The procedure itself isn't horrific but certainly isn't a pleasant experience and was certainly more painful than general consensus led me to expect (and I'm not adverse to pain). It's also got potential complications and can cause medium-to-long-term pain.

You are also asking someone to voluntarily make themselves infertile (irreversibly). Not an issue for me but to some men this could be a very emotional experience even if they are on-board with the end result.

It's certainly worth discussing with him and it is a good solution to the problem of, as I put it to the doctor, "We enjoy sex but not nappy changing". It's not a pleasant experience but certainly not a patch on what you've been through by the sounds of it!

All being said though, you can't insist on someone having a surgical procedure if they don't want it.

Have you not run out of straw yet?
One fallacious scenario after another.

Says the person who thinks men shouldn’t get vasectomies in case his imaginary next partner wants babies.

Talking of ‘straw’….

He shouldn’t have agreed unless he was sure.

DH doesn’t want one and I’m like you with hormonal methods but we use condoms (genetically disabled kids and I am old but not quite too old biologically), if he’d agreed then changed his mind though I would be angry.

I'd find it so hard to respect someone that did this. Contraceptive options are SO hard on women and vasectomies are a short appointment at your GP.
I can't take the pill, have horrendous periods anyway so can't have copper coil, condoms carry a risk, so my DH booked and organised and had a vasectomy (that he was really worried about having, but was absolutely fine) because he's not selfish.
Re the coil, due to aforementioned menstrual issues, a consultant tried to get a coil in (that I didn't really want) I went into cervical shock and have heard so many horror stories about coils that I would really avoid them if you can. A friend of mine had awful symptoms and constant pain and bleeding but they refused to take it out, she was in so much distress she tried getting it out herself.
Vasectomy is the obvious option. Sore balls for a few days is nothing compared to what women have to go through to avoid pregnancy. Female sterilisation is much more risky and complicated.
All the best OP. Hope your DH bucks his ideas up 💐

Why does society - especially men - believe that contraception is the sole responsibility of women??? Conception needs both male and female involved so logic suggests that both men and women need to be responsible for its prevention.

Synthetic hormones make me suicidal and there is no money or menopausal symptom (and trust me there are MANY) that would make me take them again. So it is absolutely a known issue.

If he is worried about the snip then, as others have said, then the only 100% effective contraception is abstinence. Or perhaps he’d like to fill his body with synthetic hormones?

It sounds to me that the thing OP is most upset about is the fact that OH has lied about starting the process. It’s understandable that he’s worried about it, but they need to TALK to each other.

As an aside, I’ve had an endometrial ablation which makes pregnancy pretty much impossible, and a massive upside is that I’ve not had a period for six years! So perhaps there’s that possibility.

He shouldn’t have agreed unless he was sure.

This is the thing though - the view on here seems to be that it doesn’t matter if he’s not sure, he should do it for the sake of his partner anyway.

After my third CS DH and I agreed we didn't want any more children and that he'd have the snip. We'd had a similar conversation after our second but he wouldn't go. It turned out that neither of us really felt we were done with having children.

Maybe you need an honest conversation with him to find out why he's so opposed. Is he keeping his options open for the future, either with you or possibly someone else if your future doesn't pan out as hoped? Much as that might hurt to think about, I wouldn't have considered infertility after just one child, when I was younger as I knew I wanted more. Maybe he doesn't feel complete yet.

As for the op, DH was in and out so quickly. I waited outside for him and he walked out, feeling just a little bruised. It really isn't anything to worry about

YANBU

its quite scary how all these contraceptive for women change our hormones and effect our mental health. I was on the combined pill for years and had no problems. Went on the mini pill after having 2 of my children and it gave my bad anxiety and moods.
I’ve now got the copper coil and I have no side effects lucky. My periods are very light and don’t last long. But most of all my hormones seem a lot better now.

Don’t sleep with him until he gets it done :) I’m sure he’ll be running to the doctors in no time.

I know the subject is a sensitive one but I can’t agree with you.

Its unfair of you to expect him to get a medical procedure he isn’t comfortable with, as with him expecting you to be on a pill your also not happy with.

Me and my husband are in a similar position, he is considering the snip but isn’t comfortable at this moment with it, I respect that. I don’t want to be on the pill or any other form of contraception after the birth of our daughter 3 years ago, after 16 years on contraception I wanted to give myself a break.

We have talked and explained our reasons and both respect each other to come to the agreement that for now we use condoms it isn’t ideal but it’s something we can agree on for now.

As for all these people suggesting to the person who wanting advice to with hold sex, wow, that’s wrong on so maybe levels and as someone above commented definitely controlling and coercive behaviour. Blackmailing someone into a medical procedure they don’t want just so they have feel close and make love to you. You need to take a real look at yourself.

Hi I've known 3 men have it done. Not one had a problem.

One had a reversal, it worked, he had a kid with his new wife.

I don't think it's unreasonable for you and your DH to discuss the different options. Hormonal contraceptive was bloody awful for me (I had the pill and then the mirena coil). I changed to having a copper coil in 2014 and it's been fine for me. Good peace of mind that I wouldn't get pregnant (not that I've needed to worry about that for over 3yrs, as I've been single!). I didn't have bad side effects from it either (I get really painful periods anyway, always have done due to PCOS). I think that once the 10yrs is up on this coil, I'll probably get another put in just for peace of mind (and in case I change my mind about remaining single/celibate!!). Whatever you guys decide, good luck!

This. Well said.

I can’t believe some of the advice on here.

I suppose the ultimate worse case scenario @TheWitchersWife , if you're both young, would be what if you & both your kids die in an awful car crash? (God forbid it ever happens!) Then I guess, after many years of being heart-broken, your DH might want to start a new family. We waited til DH was 40 then the GP was more than happy to get him on the waiting list etc. It's a sensitive subject but I don't think women should stay on hormonal contraceptives that might cause breast cancer in the longterm just cos a man feels a little squeamish about a small medical procedure. I bet the sweep I had to bring on labour for my second DC was more painful! (Absolute agony - I felt like I'd been assaulted)

I think you need to put it on him to sort. You’ve been through so much surely he can take some of the responsibility now. I came off the pill when I got married in order to conceive. After we had our family (three in quick succession) I told my husband I wouldn’t got back to the pill. I suffered terrible weight gain and migraines and mood swings and was fed up trying different ones. So for the first time I put it on him. He used condoms until he decided to go for the snip. I would never have forced the snip on him as it’s such a permanent thing but there are different ways to avoid the pill while still ensuring you don’t get pregnant.

YANBU and your partner is selfish to be consistently putting this on you. Bring ‘squeamish’ is simply not an acceptable excuse. Vasectomies are a largely a relatively straightforward procedure and might be best option for you both if you have both finished your families. For those saying ‘it’s unreasonable to push fertility on someone’ it’s unreasonable to expect someone to have to run the risk of being pregnant to satisfy your own sexual needs yet here we are. Male vasectomies are more easily reversed than women being sterilised so often is the better option for couples. That being said you may want to look at all of your own options too as there is a period following the procedure when they are not reliable and if you do fall pregnant then the risks of pregnancy are entirely on you.

The Mirena/IUD is a very effective method of contraception which is why it has been used so much. The copper coil is also effective but is associated with more heavy painful periods. But everyone is different. Condoms are good for protecting against STIs but are not the most reliable method of contraception and have a high failure rate in comparison to other methods of contraception.

It might be worth looking at the NHS website at what is available then going to see your GP or nip to your local family planning centre to explore the contraception that is best for you. Maybe you could book a joint appointment with your partner so that you can also discuss his option of a vasectomy. GPs don’t get long per appointment so, if you choose to go down that route, it might be worth booking a double appointment so that you both have more time.

I would add however that as your partner isn’t being very fair atm I would be refraining from any sexual intercourse until all this is sorted, but that is just my personal opinion.

Good luck OP. It’s a difficult situation to be in but I hope you can find a suitable solution that works for you both.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/which-method-suits-me/

Why don't you get a copper (hormone free) coil. I have one and its the best contraception I have ever had. My periods have luckily stayed the same...took just 1 or 2 months for them to settle.

Why should she have to? It's time for her partner to step up and have a vasectomy. She has done more than her fair share.

Can’t bear that poor squeamish husband is iffy about getting a small (reversible) snip but is presumably fine with you shoving a bit of barbed wire (copper or gold, whatever) up your vag.

It's a big ask for any partner to go sterile (their body, their decision) and not necessarily being squeamish. If you are positively sure you don't want any more children, maybe consider having your tubes tied. I had 2 normal pregnancies but 2 ectopic which resulted in losing both tubes. Decision made for me by the forces above but contraceptive pill had never agreed with me also.