To ask my partner for a vasectomy

[Foreveranxious22]

Ok so this is something that keeps coming up with me and my partner and I would like some impartial advice if you have any please.
My and DP have been together 10+ years, 2DC. Not an easy time getting here as I have had multiple miscarriages so I know I’m done having children.
I am super sensitive to contraceptives, I’ve already been on two after having my DD 6 months ago. I get very moody, have whiplash mood swings and sometimes I’m bordering on depressed. I was like this after my first daughter too so I know it’s related to the pill.

Last month we had a pregnancy scare as I had come of my previous pill as I wasn’t myself. This scared us so I agreed I’d try another pill and after advice from my GP I’m currently on rigevidon but same old story as previous contraception. I have mentioned a vasectomy to my DP before but he’s said no as he’s very very squeamish. I made a deal with him when I went on rigevidon that I’d continue taking it so long as he got booked in with the GP for a vasectomy as it can take 52 weeks in our area on the NHS. He’s not even rang the docs and has now changed his tune saying he won’t get one. Am I in the wrong to be upset about this? He knows how bad the pill affects me and I’ve sent him loads of research on the snip from mens POV and they’re a no horror stories. AIBU? Any advice for either of us?

I haven’t ever ruled it out. But thank you for commenting on a post that you haven’t full read. @Stravaig

A hysterectomy? Are you insane????

@WalkingThroughTreacle oh sorry I meant to ask too- how did you find actually asking for a vasectomy. Everything is have read has said generally you’ll be told no if your under 30. Not sure why if you know your done having children.

Definitely would not get a hysterectomy. I don’t want to be menopausal at 30. Is a bit of a crazy one that. But tubes tide is a definite possibility!

@Foreveranxious22 I have read the entire thread and commented twice before. Perhaps it is you who is not reading carefully? Nor was I referring specifically to you, OP, so why so defensive?

I’ve said multiple times that I am open to having my tubes tide. Good question on why am I so defensive. Hard to feel sometimes on here that your getting attacked from every angle. Some say my partner is weak, others say Im wrongly forcing my DP into a procedure he doesn’t want (I’m not). Apologies for being defensive.

OP on threads like these, a lot of MRA types tend to show up.

The best thing your DP could do is go in and talk to the GP. He will explain everything in detail. Does he have any friends or family members who have had it down? Speaking to a man who has had it down in helpful too.

The procedure really is nothing these days.

Getting a tooth filled, tatoo, or piercing, is more painful.

This video is great if he wants to watch

No worries! You have had a rough thread, though notably not from the few voices on my side of the argument. I think you do have the whole picture in mind, which is possibly why it feels so difficult, no false simplicity? Also touched by your defence of your husband.

@Foreveranxious22
You may or may not have missed my comments yesterday but when I had 'the snip' it was very low key. Wear trousers that are 'baggy' and usual pants. I THINK I was sat in a chair that reclines quite a way back, then a brief chat about how the procedure will be conducted. Slap on some iodine wash to ensure the 'work area' is sterile, a small local anaesthetic jab then followed by a bit of actual 'work'. As it was 20 years ago I forget any more details but apart from a small stitch (elastoplasts won't stick!) it is pants and trousers back up and on your way home (carefully!). The stitch is self dissolving so no return visit necessary.
If your DP has ever broken a finger/toe it is a lot less painful than that. I can understand some of the other concerns you have raised and as a result your original questions are difficult to answer, as it involves the 'concept' of not having more children which is perhaps tricky.

I often wonder what people who think like you think relationships are like. Controlling, coercive and abusive - was he being all of those things when he forced her to give birth? Or actually, is it more likely that people make decisions for the good of their relationship? Being stitched back together after childbirth didn’t fill me with joy either, should I not have bothered?

Amazing! Thank you so much.
What is MRA types? Sorry I don’t know that one 😬

Again, sorry 🤦🏼‍♀️
Thanks so much, he’s a good man.

Men’s Rights Activists. They usually troll threads like this to claim that men should be allowed to do whatever they like at all times - they use the word ‘equality’ a lot because they want to pretend that a man having a vasectomy is anything like a woman taking contraception for twenty years. They also come out on abortion threads to say if a man has got someone pregnant and she doesn’t want to abort, he shouldn’t have to pay for the actual human he created. Or on strip club threads to say female strippers are identical to chippendales. They don’t tend to comment on the gender pay gap threads.

MRA types - when people defend men no matter what e.g. they should have the right to force a woman to give birth if they want the baby/abort if they don't want children, should be able to occupy women's spaces if they want, should be able to walk away from children without consequence etc.

Banging a finger with a hammer or slamming it in a car door is a sudden and painful 'shock' and you are obviously tender for hours afterwards. The vasectomy 'op' is not a sudden pain but you can be 'tender' when the anesthetic wears off by which time paracetemol or whatever and 'taking it easy' will alleviate it.

Thank you so much for sharing with me!

It was fairly straightforward from what I can remember. It was almost 30 years ago though so some things may well be different. I went by myself to the family planning clinic and talked it through initially with someone there. I had to go back with my wife for a second consultation because they weren't happy to proceed unless we had both been talked through the pros and cons etc and my wife also had to sign a consent form. I found that a bit weird. They're my balls so why do I need my wife's, or anyone else's, permission to have a procedure on them? I guess that's the sort of shit women have been putting up with for generations though so fair enough. Once they were satisfied that we weren't making a rash decision they booked me in for the procedure which was a couple of weeks after that second consultation.

The op itself was straightforward. I waited in a room with about half-a-dozen other nervous men and one at a time we got called in for our turn. Local anaesthetic, bit of fumbling around that I was only vaguely aware of and then I was sent home. I was meant to go back to have the stitches removed but they semi-dissolved after a week or two and I ended up cutting out the remnants myself.

I know quite a few men personally that have been through it. Some went for local anaesthetic like me whilst others opted for a general. If I was to do it again I would still go for local as it has less risks and the only pain I felt was in the days after the op which I would have had regardless of the anaesthetic option. And I would do it again in a heartbeat because I believe it is simply the best option for long-term/permanent contraception. As long as the man is sure he is done having kids I can't think of a reason not to do it. Compared to female sterilisation or long-term use of hormonal contraception it's a walk in the park.

Ah yes I see. I feel like I’ve had the opposite to that too - women coming for me for being ‘weak’ and not forcing my DP into it. How I’m apparently setting a bad example to my DDs. Im giving into to him.
Its not that, I just respect him as a human being with complex feelings. He respects me and I know I’m not the easiest person to live with as I have feelings too. We’ll find a compromise together.
Ive been a ‘watcher’ of mumsnet a while, very occasionally make my own posts, just guess I never really seen this side of it. I tend to look at the parenting forum the most. Aibu seem to trend the most and I wanted some unbiased advice yesterday morning before the docs opened and I’d bring the subject up again to DP. Not sure I’ll ever make a thread like this again 🤪

Oh bloody hell right I see now. Feeling like I unintentionally opened a huge fan of worms with this thread, didn’t I 🤦🏼‍♀️.

Thank you so much for sharing with me!

Hi everyone. I just want to say thank you for everyone’s post. I didn’t expect this thread to go in some of the directions it has but thank you anyway for sharing your perspectives.
I’m actually gunna take a step back from it. Please feel free to share your own stories but I’m going to stop replying for now as it’s starting to take over a bit for me. Got 2DDs and a house to sort out and must get back on with life and get off my phone. I’ll have a check back tonight maybe,
thank you all!xx

Only for those who think its MRAish to say that that men (and therefore women) should be able to say "no, I don't want that to happen to my body" and not be called weak/pathetic/accused of not loving or respecting their other halves etc etc

What does ‘men (and therefore women)’ mean?

Like it or not, men and women are not identically treated when it comes to contraception, pregnancy, childbirth and surgery. Believe me, I’d love it if they were. So to say ‘no I don’t want that to happen to my body’ only actually applies to one sex. I didn’t want my body stitched together after childbirth. Too bad.

The net result of men saying ‘no, I don’t want to do that to my body’?

A woman being forced to do something to hers.

Being forced to carry the full contraceptive load because the man is to selfish to do anything.

By saying ‘my body, my choice’, the man removes the choice from the woman.

It is selfish and cowardly to take this stance. To leave it ALL to the woman.

I realise it’s not fun to be in the position of defending these men.

And that the uncomfortable truth of the matter is that the many, many, many men who get vasectomies every day make the ones who won’t, look bad.

All this talking of ‘forcing’, ‘coercing’, ‘shaming’ doesn’t apply to the many, many men who just get on and do it, off their own bat.

And yes, that makes the ones who won’t do it, look bad. And as this thread has proved, it makes them very defensive. Of course it does.

If I were in your shoes, and I daresay I will be soon, I would feel hurt-cum-resentful that after enduring two difficult pregnancies and births, and acknowledging sex to be important in our relationship, and knowing that any contraception failure would be ‘my’ issue to deal with (either another pregnancy or an abortion), if my husband was not being the one to suggest he made a permanent (or not, one poster’s partner is having a reversal) step to preventing any future pregnancies.

Men are, I believe, used to leaving anything in relation to family planning, to women. It is learned and habitual. Women tend to use the pill/other forms of long-acting contraception, they tend to be the one who decides they want a family (not in all cases and certainly not in mine), they obviously gestate and birth the child(ren), they tend to be the lead parent (definitely in the early days), and then once again, they’re back to being in charge of contraception. They also take the hit on their careers and earning potential, but that’s another issue. Then, as an extra special treat for all those years of menstruation and pregnancy, they get to bookend it with the shitshow that is menopause.

I think we need to help men realise there are ways they can step up once a family is complete. The mindset of ‘it’s not my problem, I’m a man’, or more disturbingly, ‘fuck no to a vasectomy, what if my family goes down the shitter And I want more kids with my much younger girlfriend?’, is not that of someone in a mutually respectful relationship, and yet is deeply, deeply widespread. Even among WOMEN! I’ve found this thread alarming in that sense.

No one here is trying to force a man into a vasectomy. No one is trying to ‘abuse’ a man into it by withholding sex. But it is not unreasonable to discuss with your partner the idea of him taking the lead on a permanent form of contraception. And like another poster, I truly think a decent man who respects his partner and all of the sacrifices she has made for him and their family (physically, financially, mental…), would put the lid on producing children by having a very simple procedure that takes 10-15 minutes.