MIL dropping hints about moving in.

[HappyDays40]

I have a lovely but very elderly MIL who at 94 lives independently and has friends who come and visit her that live on the street. We do shopping appointments etc and visits each week she is about 20 miles away. Sometimes when she isn't feeling too good she stays for a few days but is always glad to get back home as we have a noisy 6 year old who she loves but it can understandably get too much.
She told me today she is having the house valued so she can "move in with family ".......I think she means us considering there is nobody else:)
She is unsteady on her feet, can't do stairs but her house is adapted, she is familiar with it. Wherever she moves to would need some adaptations. When she does stay its very hard, we have a small dog who gets under her feet so is a falls risk, we have to move our work ( both full time) to make sure we are home to help her too the loo, get her drinks etc. She is no problem just sits in her chair , watches telly and drinks tea. But it isn't possible to work from home all the time our jobs involve some time out of the house!
Her friends pop over and wouldn't be able to do that if she were here.
We go away, do festivals and are not home much at weekends especially in the summer, she won't have carers or respite care.
I don't want her to move in permanently as it cannot possibly work logistically. She is welcome to stop over but it stops our routines an restricts us to the house. Not sure how we would manage to work, care for her full time and continue any quality of life for our son. Any suggestions how to address this without hurting her feelings are welcome.

I doubt she has any idea what modern family life is like either and it's probably not even crossed her mind. We'd done similarly with my DM visiting - weekends that were really focussed on her even though it was always difficult to find things that were suitable for both DM and DD to do as DD very energetic! So activities she enjoyed, meals at times that worked for her, lots of sitting around chatting over cups of tea. She was a lot younger than your MIL then, couldn't walk far but could drive ok and no care needs.

One time she decided to stay on longer into the week and I think it was a bit of an eye opener for her! She took herself out in the car for a bit whilst we were at work (gave her spare key), then she sat around on her own at home for ages. Then we hurtled in from work and got DD to bed. DD ate at wraparound, so DH and I ate about two hours after DM preferred to (she was NOT impressed about this!). At one point I handed her a cup of tea and she obviously thought we were all going to sit down and have a cup of tea and a chat, but no time on a weeknight we just carried on hurtling through DD bedtime, evening meal and tomorrow's lunch prep, eat meal fast, clear up etc. At that point she took herself off to bed! I don't think it had crossed her mind what our normal lives were like as she'd only seen us making a special effort at weekends. She's never asked to stay on longer again...

@mewkins one of them would be for you all to buy a home together.

The OP does not want to live with her MIL. Why should she pool resources when she doesn't want to? Can people stop looking for ways that the OP can have her MIL move in when that is clearly not what she wants, in the first place?

All the extra detail about why it won't work is kind of superfluous then. Why not just say 'I simply don't want to'. Unfortunately the reality of having a really quite old relative who lives quite a distance away will still be there, regardless.

It's really hard to say 'I simply don't want to' though, hence all the reasons.

Mine ended up in hospital recently and there was huge pressure and emotional blackmail to go to the hospital. There wasn't anything I could have usefully done, it was a five hour round trip and I have a lot on in the rest of my life ATM.

I’m already worried about the rows I’m going to have with DH about his mother when she’s older. He will want to pay for super duper fancy care. I have no interest. She hasn’t helped us one bit ever. Like bugger am I doing any elder care or paying for it or letting him pay for it!!

Yes it is but the question really isn't 'how do I break it to her?' but 'what are the realistic alternatives that we can all agree on?' Hence the various suggestions made on the thread.

How are you going to stop him paying for it if that’s what he wants? Not that there should be any question of that - if she has the money she pays, if she hasn’t the state picks up the tab. Most people don’t need it anyway.

@Blossomtoes all of our money is joint money, so I wouldn’t agree to funding any care. Agree, it would need to come from the sale of her house. It doesn’t go far though.

She hasn’t helped us ever with anything, no help unpacking boxes when moving, no help with childcare. And she retired far too young without much pension, yet still travels frequently and buys clothes continuously. So like fuck is any of our joint money going to keep her in comfort.

Joint money is half his, isn’t it? If my bloke had ever said I couldn’t spend my money on my parents I’d have shown him the door.

That's a very simplistic (and selfish) view. Joint means it isn't his or hers, it's family. if he takes a chunk for his mother who makes up the family shortfall? Who pays the bills for all of them? If the money's joint, it has to be a joint decision.

Different if they have a joint pot for the family and then some for personal spends, but that doesn't sound like the situation here.

If I thought getting married meant I no longer had my own money, I wouldn’t have done it. I suspect I’m far from alone. Family money is an absurd concept. Families can’t have jobs and earn money.

It wouldn't be fair for one person to unilaterally decide to spend money on something their partner hasn't agreed to, if that decision has any impact on said partner, such as reduced standard of living or having to pay a bigger percentage of shared expenses.

Couples who have decided to combine all finances have also tacitly agreed to share decisions on how it's spent. It's not fair otherwise.

Super-duper, expensive care can be shite, though. My late FiL went into one and appearance-wise, it looked gorgeous. The standard of "care", however, was terrible.

Exactly right, I have been in exactly this position with my late mother. She voluntarily went into a care home to enable her to use the money in her property for herself. Fair enough- but as PP mentions above maintenance payments were £200 a month, her flat took over a year to sell after some reductions to the price of the flat. Also Local authorities who have been making up the care home fees u til the property is sold want their money back! Quite rightly.

I mean at 94 it might not be a long arrangements so may as well consider.

My gran is 102, she's outlived my mother, her daughter... and is still going strong.

My MIL moved in with us for a while when FIL died. She had early stage dementia at the time at 80 years old. She was carried out in a box 13 years later.
Don't allow it. I wish I hadnt.

You can't stop a son caring for his mother, how bizarre and nasty.

re. lemon's post-sorry, didn't press quote-keep your own finances separate, but stop your husband looking after his mother and you risk lifelong resentment from him, surely?

Oh wow!

This. Even if my home was suitable I would want my MIL (or mum, daughter, son, neighbour etc) living with me.

The OP isn't stopping her husband from caring for his mother. His job is stopping him from caring for his mother. Maybe is he was retired he could look after her, but the OP has stated that he's many years from retirement. That and all the other practical reasons why it isn't possible for her to live with them. I mean I wouldn't want to live with my MIL (or my mother, or anyone else really) even if I was retired and had a massive house). If my husband was really adamant he wanted to be his mother's live in carer in her old age, he can go move in with her, and I'd happily continue our relationship in separate houses. But that's not the OPs situation, her husband can't look after his mother, as he has a job.

@HappyDays40 - since this has been posted on again anyway I thought I'd ask how things are now. Any change in your situation with your MIL?

My neighbour mother is 104. She moved in with neighbour in her mid 80s, the year neighbour retired. She doesn't have dementia and is still mobile within the house.Just before Christmas about 10pm at night I found my neighbour crying in the street. She was in despair.