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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL dropping hints about moving in.

424 replies

HappyDays40 · 17/10/2022 04:22

I have a lovely but very elderly MIL who at 94 lives independently and has friends who come and visit her that live on the street. We do shopping appointments etc and visits each week she is about 20 miles away. Sometimes when she isn't feeling too good she stays for a few days but is always glad to get back home as we have a noisy 6 year old who she loves but it can understandably get too much.
She told me today she is having the house valued so she can "move in with family ".......I think she means us considering there is nobody else:)
She is unsteady on her feet, can't do stairs but her house is adapted, she is familiar with it. Wherever she moves to would need some adaptations. When she does stay its very hard, we have a small dog who gets under her feet so is a falls risk, we have to move our work ( both full time) to make sure we are home to help her too the loo, get her drinks etc. She is no problem just sits in her chair , watches telly and drinks tea. But it isn't possible to work from home all the time our jobs involve some time out of the house!
Her friends pop over and wouldn't be able to do that if she were here.
We go away, do festivals and are not home much at weekends especially in the summer, she won't have carers or respite care.
I don't want her to move in permanently as it cannot possibly work logistically. She is welcome to stop over but it stops our routines an restricts us to the house. Not sure how we would manage to work, care for her full time and continue any quality of life for our son. Any suggestions how to address this without hurting her feelings are welcome.

OP posts:
Mithlond · 20/10/2022 23:52

Has she considered moving in with one of her friends on the street that she lives on or one of her friends moving in with her? I don't know if any of her friends would be amenable to that, but it doesn't hurt to ask. My great grandma had a slightly younger friend move in with her, and they were great for each other. Just a thought.

Original poster
HappyDays40 · 21/10/2022 17:17

You know Mithlond I don't think it's a bad idea. My grandma lived with a friend after her husband died and was really happy. I might suggest it.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 21/10/2022 18:07

My late MIL would not contemplate living anywhere other than her home even though she couldn’t manage. We offered her to move in with us or into sheltered housing near us but she would have none of it. Care home out of the question. She had carers but they found it increasingly difficult to keep her clean, hydrated, fed and medicated. She had a couple of serious falls. We lived four hours away and DH was spending half his life on the train going to see her. She had looked after her mother and she expected the same from DH. She passed away in hospital, her final years could have been much more comfortable if she hadn’t been so resistant to change.

reigatecastle · 21/10/2022 19:14

toomuchlaundry · 19/10/2022 11:29

That's a very high service charge, my mum is in a McCarthy & Stone retirement flat and her service charge is nothing like that

The point is, it's a big financial commitment to get your family into. My father was in a sheltered flat too and I sold it for about £30K less than he had paid for it, had the aggressive managing agents demanding all sorts of fees (not sure they are allowed to levy those fees now but the service charge will still be there) and I was very very fortunate indeed to sell the flat within a year (on market in February, new owner in by October).

However, in the OP's case, it might be a solution. You usually lose less money if you are buying "second hand".

As for being a scared old lady the comment about making her grandson less selfish is horrible. You should not expect a six year old to give up his childhood and hobbies. But she obviously is manipulative if she's even got the OP's own parents running around after her.

toomuchlaundry · 21/10/2022 19:19

Definitely buy retirement flats second hand. Also probably depends how many are available in your area. DM is second owner of hers. The price was much lower than original price but the flats in her block have now increased in price (but not back to original price) and at the moment are selling quite quickly when one becomes vacant

mewkins · 21/10/2022 19:41

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 17/10/2022 08:09

Realistically she is hardly going to around much longer. Get her a live in au pair at yours, which she can pay for herself from her house sale.

I think I would do this too. Enjoy the time you have together. I don't think I'd like to be living on my own at 94 either.

Frazzled2207 · 21/10/2022 20:38

Warden controlled flat sounds like a a good possibility

but as for living with you this is a straightforward “I’m afraid it’s just not possible as it’s not our house”

Original poster
HappyDays40 · 21/10/2022 22:55

@mewkins where would she actually sleep given (summary of circumstances from previous posts)

  1. We don't own the house it belongs to my friend in Dubai we rent.
  2. There is sn open plan living/dining room - we would lose any downstairs living space.
  3. we can't adapt it coz it's rented my friend won't allow a stairlift because of the damage to carpe.
  4. She can't climb the stairs she would need to sleep in the living/dining room.
  5. there is no toilet/bathroom on the ground floor.
  6. We can't move in with her there's not enough room ( she has two beds)) the commute to work would not be doable.
  7. My son can't move school, we just managed to get the support he needs.
OP posts:
Dotcomma · 21/10/2022 23:11

Obviously in your primary family unit is you, your hubby & your son. I think you've covered every aspect realistically and considered all options that MIL has alluded to.

The one thing that MIL perhaps hasn't suggested (?yet) is that she sells her bungalow and instead of you renting, you buy somewhere together to accommodate the 4 of you. I don't think this would be agreeable by you & hubby as you're settled but hasn't MIL asked why you rent - I would be waiting for this suggestion from her.

mewkins · 22/10/2022 06:06

HappyDays40 · 21/10/2022 22:55

@mewkins where would she actually sleep given (summary of circumstances from previous posts)

  1. We don't own the house it belongs to my friend in Dubai we rent.
  2. There is sn open plan living/dining room - we would lose any downstairs living space.
  3. we can't adapt it coz it's rented my friend won't allow a stairlift because of the damage to carpe.
  4. She can't climb the stairs she would need to sleep in the living/dining room.
  5. there is no toilet/bathroom on the ground floor.
  6. We can't move in with her there's not enough room ( she has two beds)) the commute to work would not be doable.
  7. My son can't move school, we just managed to get the support he needs.

Do you think she has in mind that you could use the money from her house sale as a deposit for a family home which she could also live in?

Original poster
HappyDays40 · 22/10/2022 08:11

I'm not sure she is thinking that way plus I'm not in position to provide the care that she needs or may need in the future and neither is my husband.

OP posts:
ImAvingOops · 22/10/2022 08:18

The OP has a job and a small child and doesn't want to be a carer. Few people can afford to buy in 24/7 care, which means the OP will end up doing it if they live together. She's not unreasonable to not want to live like that for X number of years. The mil is not being fair to expect everyone else to change their entire lives because she refuses to consider any alternatives.
Mil may be a scared old lady but I'm starting to think she is also being a bit selfish.

People also have to be careful taking money to buy a house. There can be implications regarding tax or what happens if the elderly person does need to go into a home.

saraclara · 22/10/2022 10:01

Also if MIL has already taken some of the value of the house in equity release, there's unlikely to be enough left to be of use to buy a larger house with OP.

MichelleScarn · 22/10/2022 11:51

mewkins · 21/10/2022 19:41

I think I would do this too. Enjoy the time you have together. I don't think I'd like to be living on my own at 94 either.

Show quote history

If the GM would have to take over the livingroom/kitchen to sleep in at the OPs, where would the live in aupair go? And what would happen on their days off?

TXmum3 · 22/10/2022 16:12

Is it not possible for her to have someone to come care for her at your home? Is that because she doesn't want one or because it's not been discussed? Seems like a lot of the issues you'd have would be solved with having someone there to care for her. If it's her not wanting one then you can say that's the only way it would be allowed/possible as you guys cannot care for her full time. If that's still a no for you, it's unfortunate as you're her only family (your words), and she's at the end of life.
It's not unreasonable, however it is worth looking at long term how much more time do you have with her, would you feel bad if she passed on and you didn't have that time together?
As far as a comment you made about your son eventually getting on her nerves and her asking you to find her somewhere else, well maybe that's just what to do?
Maybe the answer is no, and while it will hurt her feelings, it's your home and only you know what is truly feasible. Consider instead of just saying no, engaging in an honest conversation about your concerns of why it would not work out. Let her know what you are predicting what will happen.

countrygirl99 · 22/10/2022 16:24

If you read the OPs posts she has explained very clearly exactly why the layout of the house means it is impossible for her to live there.

Whatifitallgoesright · 22/10/2022 17:03

Have you looked into Extra Care Housing in your area?( I'm looking for my parents at the moment.) They offer a range of options - rent (with a completed Care and Support Assessment from Soc Services) Buying outright and Shared Ownership schemes from 25-75%. It's worth enquiring then taking her round to visit some places.

HikingforScenery · 22/10/2022 17:17

Poor woman. My heart really goes out to her. What a difficult and scary situation it must be for her 😢

EndlessMagpies · 22/10/2022 17:25

Speaking as someone who has a MIL in her late 90's, I suspect that what happens is that their world shrinks in their minds to revolve around them, and that their friends and their immediate family will look after them, and that's that. That's why they say they don't want carers or to go into a home, they just can't imagine why they would need to.

When they come to stay for a few days, every effort is made to spend as much time with them as possible, they are never left alone and they feel safe and well looked-after. They genuinely believe that it would be like that all the time if they moved in permanently. They can't see the bigger picture, or how it really is impossible to provide the support they need. They can't see that they would be left alone all day while the family works, or that the toilet and bathroom is totally unsuitable. They think that if they need to go to the doctor, someone will take them, of course. The matter of someone having to take time off work to do it doesn't occur to them.

It really is a minefield, and I'm sorry you and your DH are having to negotiate this difficult and worrying situation.

Glittertwins · 22/10/2022 18:14

It's a tough one but I think DH is going to have to tell her that it is not a feasible solution for her to move in. My ILs could barely tolerate their 5-6 year old grandson and they are 20 years younger. He wasn't badly behaved in the slightest (I'm not just saying that either as I'm not blind to his faults) but a 6 year old child does not have the same level of self awareness as an adult.

It is not fair on your DS to have to stop being a child and tiptoe around a house either as MIL not be able to put up with a young child all day and every day.

CompassionCat · 22/10/2022 18:19

What about a Nanny cam?. I have had friends do that so there elderly relative could stay at home but be watched. There are also those services with alerts should a person fall. I know several who have used that successfully to help keep their parents at home longer. And it gave the elderly peace of mind. As they age and become weaker, less stable, the elderly can become fragile and fearful even if their minds remain sharp. It's natural. Understanding that and working with it might help find a solution that works for all. It's not easy.

mewkins · 22/10/2022 19:35

Dotcomma · 21/10/2022 23:11

Obviously in your primary family unit is you, your hubby & your son. I think you've covered every aspect realistically and considered all options that MIL has alluded to.

The one thing that MIL perhaps hasn't suggested (?yet) is that she sells her bungalow and instead of you renting, you buy somewhere together to accommodate the 4 of you. I don't think this would be agreeable by you & hubby as you're settled but hasn't MIL asked why you rent - I would be waiting for this suggestion from her.

This was my thought too. I know the op says there is 'only' enough equity left to buy a one bed flat but that would be a minimum of 400k where I am eg a significant deposit for a house big enough for you all. Another question which may or may not have been asked is is the OP's dh anywhere near retirement so could potentially provide care for the mil ? Although there are lots of questions over being able to provide care while at work, who does it at the moment while MIL is quite a distance away? So in time the same questions over care and what you can and can't afford will come up regardless of where she's living. It's a tricky one and hopefully you can all come up with a plan. OOH it's amazing that your MIL has got to 94 being as independent as she has been.

Original poster
HappyDays40 · 22/10/2022 21:05

Thanks for your input everyone. My husband has a good 12 years before retirement and me about 30. Honestly my MIL could buy a flat from about £90,000 where we are.
I'm not interested in her money I've more than enough of my own. I just want her to feel happy.

OP posts:
mewkins · 22/10/2022 21:18

HappyDays40 · 22/10/2022 21:05

Thanks for your input everyone. My husband has a good 12 years before retirement and me about 30. Honestly my MIL could buy a flat from about £90,000 where we are.
I'm not interested in her money I've more than enough of my own. I just want her to feel happy.

I didn't mean that you are/ should want her money! I just meant that if MIL has equity in her house you need to all decide how it can best be used to make her last years as happy and comfortable as possible. There are many ways of slicing that cake and one of them would be for you all to buy a home together. It may also make your family's future more secure too which may give her further peace of mind.

Hankunamatata · 22/10/2022 21:56

A warden controlled flat opposite your home sounds a perfect compromise.