MIL dropping hints about moving in.

[HappyDays40]

I have a lovely but very elderly MIL who at 94 lives independently and has friends who come and visit her that live on the street. We do shopping appointments etc and visits each week she is about 20 miles away. Sometimes when she isn't feeling too good she stays for a few days but is always glad to get back home as we have a noisy 6 year old who she loves but it can understandably get too much.
She told me today she is having the house valued so she can "move in with family ".......I think she means us considering there is nobody else:)
She is unsteady on her feet, can't do stairs but her house is adapted, she is familiar with it. Wherever she moves to would need some adaptations. When she does stay its very hard, we have a small dog who gets under her feet so is a falls risk, we have to move our work ( both full time) to make sure we are home to help her too the loo, get her drinks etc. She is no problem just sits in her chair , watches telly and drinks tea. But it isn't possible to work from home all the time our jobs involve some time out of the house!
Her friends pop over and wouldn't be able to do that if she were here.
We go away, do festivals and are not home much at weekends especially in the summer, she won't have carers or respite care.
I don't want her to move in permanently as it cannot possibly work logistically. She is welcome to stop over but it stops our routines an restricts us to the house. Not sure how we would manage to work, care for her full time and continue any quality of life for our son. Any suggestions how to address this without hurting her feelings are welcome.

You don't know this lady. You've never met her. How arrogant of you to think you know who she is and what she's thinking.

As I said way back, the first sign we had of my wonderful MIL's deterioration is that she became fearful. And yes, scared of sleeping in her own home at night. It seems to be a pattern in older people's cognitive decline. Their thought processes start to change, and they start to inhaler sound and movement differently. The slightest noise outside and my MIL was scared. She had been a strong and capable woman all her life, so this was a big change.

They start to INTERPRET sound and movement differently, rather

You don't know her either, so who is to say your take is better than mine? For what it's worth I used to work in aged care facilities. Elderly people are no less or no more likely to be manipulative than people our age. Many elderly people are far more wily than people our age imagine them to be. You'd be surprised at how very manipulative elderly people can be. I've seen it all. Elderly doesn't necessarily equate to senile and innocent. Feining fear is the most common tactic. Add up all the things she has said, it's quite obvious. With all respect, I think you are coming at this from an 'all elderly people are sweet and innocent' angle. You would be shocked to learn the reality. Elderly people are the same as us.

who is to say my.take is better than yours?

Well I've listened to what the OP has to say about her. Which is a lot more to go on than you have.

I know only too well that old people can be manipulative. My own mum is horrifically so. But then that's been her personality all her life, so she's not going to be any different in old age.

OP's MIL has no history of this, so there's no reason to think that she's been plotting.

For what it's worth I used to work in aged care facilities

I'm glad you don't any more

@saraclara and @JennyNotFromTheBlock
Will you two pack it in?
You are managing to derail and spoil a thread from an OP who has come onto MN asking for advice on a very difficult and sensitive dilemma.
Either stop this childish, arrogant, selfish spat and behave, or get off the thread altogether.
Absolutely pathetic 🙄

I was done with this until you came along.

But I'm not about to apologise to you. I'm supporting the OP.

OP, try looking at what groups there are near you. There are often lunch clubs, seated exercise etc that I know are very popular. There may be a community car scheme to get her there too. If she is too weak for that then see if there are any based in care homes where she can get a bit more help, they are restarting after covid.

What I'm thinking is that there could be ways for her to still meet her friends if they both go to these. She is likely to find it easier to make a new network if she does go into sheltered housing with these and may find then that she enjoys still being independent. Try to get her excited about it.

You can also try contacting Social Prescribing through her GP - they may have some suggestions.

You're doing a great job in an awful situation. Good luck!

I think this is quite a mean post. OP clearly has had a loving relationship with her MIL.

Aww she is the least manipulative person ever, zero manipulation history. She is kind, funny a bit of a pain in he arse at times but aren't we all:).
Joking aside she is very loved, I hate this situation it is all so out of character
When her husband died she put her own feelings aside to support other people. She is not a master manipulator.
We both love her and ty to understand her fears as they are real to her. When we re backed into a corner we do act out of character and go into survival mode. It's not helping that a few friends died over the last couple of years of cancer, covid, falls etc.
I've nipped across the road and got an application for a warden controlled flat. I can't just put her name down on the list as it will betray her and I need her to trust me. It's a leaflet with all the amenities. It means she can come to us for tea each day and for Sunay lunch. When she is feeling a bit better and less reactive I can chat it through with her. I she is so against carers maybe warden controlled flats could be a happy compromise and first step. Popr woman she is a good person.

Sorry its across from us :)

That sounds a good solution if your dmil will agree to it. One point I would make is that when you are persuading her, don't say you can come over here every night for your tea. You sound an amazing support but I think I would say, for example, we can come over and get you every Sunday and you can cove over for your tea some nights every week. That gives you some flexibility as your ds gets older and needs to be ferried about more. Also if you are tired after work sometimes or want a meal out with your DH you are not in a position of cancelling something which has come to be expected. Good luck, it is very hard. I dread this type of conversation with my ninety two year old mother. 💐

That sounds a great solution if she agrees to it. It must be a very isolating time when you are faced with the loss of live long friends and increased frailty. I wonder if you would think about agreeing to take her to visit her friends every couple of months so she can keep in touch?

As a few PP have said @HappyDays40 you sound a lovely person with a lovely family. I think you are doing everything right - trying to reassure her of how much you all love her, telling her the truth and sticking to it, explaining alternatives and giving her take up time to think about what she would like (or least hate) to do. It is a difficult situation but you are doing all you can. Don't feel guilty. And what a lovely Mum and Dad you have too. I wish you all, all the very best.

I'm proper lucky with my parents they are wonderful. Hopefully lovely MIL will have a think about stuff. In reality if she did move over the road I'd see her each day, she is great company. Certainly I would take her to see ger friends they have rallied even she has been in hospital. I might get them a leaflet too. I could move the whole street!

The OP doesn't own her property keep up

Wow, what a nasty post. I was posting to you in good faith and in neutral feeling, no anger or anything. Just giving my perspective based on many years of experience. People are people, no matter there age. Calm down and don't take it so personally.

That sounds like a good solution. I do think though that it was wrong that she even had the forethought to sell her house based on an assumption that you would take her in, without asking you even first. That's quite rude and unfair of her. She even deliberately refused to discuss it with your husband for years. I wonder if that's because she wanted to move in and didn't want to lay the cards out, knowing he'd say no. So sprung this on you? I can't imagine why she'd be so presumptive otherwise. She said she looked after her own mother and that's what families do. That statement to me, says that she assumed all along that that's what you'd do for her (hence her brushing aside the conversation for years).

@babyyodaxmas

This is off topic, but how do these generations work ? MIL is 94 and you have a 6 yo ? Is your DH in his mid- late 50's or 60's. Can't help thinking there should be another layer in this sandwich.

I was thinking exactly the same.
I'd expect her to be a great grandma to a 6 year old at 94.

We had this with my mother. She wanted to move in with my sister but that was not possible. I don't live in England so it all fell on her shoulders. She told her either you have a live-in carer or you'll have to go into a home. She had a carer who lived with her. A very nice Jamaican woman. My mum did ask me if I could take her in, I'm afraid my answer was 'if I had to'. She didn't like that reply but she'd have put me in a home 🤭. Your DH must be very patient and kind when he talks to her. Good luck 👍.

This has already been covered so many times.

Someone could be a great grandma at 48 if they have a kid at 16, and then the kid has a kid at 16. And someone could be a great grandma at 88 (and therefore aged 94 with 6yo grandkid) if they have a kid at 44 and the kid has a kid at 44.
It's not unusual for people to have children in their teens or their 40s.

.... should read "someone could be a grandma at 88..." in the second scenario.

But yes, this is an absolutely valid point and illustrates perfectly just how different families can be when it comes to generational gaps. As a "late" baby myself, I became an aunt at the age of 9 and a great aunt a few months after my first child was born. DH was also a "late" baby - MIL was in her early 40s when she had her children, and was nearly 40 when my youngest was born. Result: grandparent in 90s, parents in 40s/50s with school-aged children. I can't understand why this is so difficult for some people to grasp! 🙄

"... and I was nearly 40 when my youngest was born..."

Apologies for typo confusion!

There are 92 years between the birth of my father and my son.

As someone who had her elderly father with her until his death and has friends who have taken in their parents and/or in-laws I can tell you it's hard. And it's a sacrifice but living in a multi-generational home can be rewarding and good for children. My friend C first had to move her mother in and after she passed a year or later the MIL moved in. Before the MIL their relationship was strained but it evolved into a strong friendship, and they became close over the couple of years they had together. And C did this while raising two girls, one of whom now is studying in the medical field because of the experiences with her grandmothers. Was it hard? Absolutely. I lost a lot caring for my dad but I also gained things I could not imagine so it isn't something that should be easily discounted. One day it will be us and the compassion you show now could serve you later. Yes it will not work for some. Victims of dementia who are violent and abusive and those needing professional full-time nursing care probably should not live at home. Some elderly my prefer a home with others of their age and planned activities. It may not work for some for a variety of reasons but it's not unreasonable to think about. In some cultures it means being a family and it's quite common.