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Original poster

MIL dropping hints about moving in.

424 replies

HappyDays40 · 17/10/2022 04:22

I have a lovely but very elderly MIL who at 94 lives independently and has friends who come and visit her that live on the street. We do shopping appointments etc and visits each week she is about 20 miles away. Sometimes when she isn't feeling too good she stays for a few days but is always glad to get back home as we have a noisy 6 year old who she loves but it can understandably get too much.
She told me today she is having the house valued so she can "move in with family ".......I think she means us considering there is nobody else:)
She is unsteady on her feet, can't do stairs but her house is adapted, she is familiar with it. Wherever she moves to would need some adaptations. When she does stay its very hard, we have a small dog who gets under her feet so is a falls risk, we have to move our work ( both full time) to make sure we are home to help her too the loo, get her drinks etc. She is no problem just sits in her chair , watches telly and drinks tea. But it isn't possible to work from home all the time our jobs involve some time out of the house!
Her friends pop over and wouldn't be able to do that if she were here.
We go away, do festivals and are not home much at weekends especially in the summer, she won't have carers or respite care.
I don't want her to move in permanently as it cannot possibly work logistically. She is welcome to stop over but it stops our routines an restricts us to the house. Not sure how we would manage to work, care for her full time and continue any quality of life for our son. Any suggestions how to address this without hurting her feelings are welcome.

OP posts:
PoseyFlump · 17/10/2022 07:13

Maybe it's relevant if @babyyodaxmas thinks there are other family members who could help out but are maybe NC.

Heatherjayne1972 · 17/10/2022 07:26

No don’t. It will affect your child
if mil can’t deal with a 6 year old being a normal bouncy 6 yr old for a few days
then she won’t cope 24/7. 365 days a year

for the sake of your child don’t do this

Jaxinthebox · 17/10/2022 07:30

Moving in with you is not the answer for you, your child or your marriage. Nor is it feasible for your MIL.

As for ages 94/6year old. It could be relevant to this.

hellcatspangle · 17/10/2022 07:36

she won't have carers or respite care.

This is the crux of it. A discussion needs to be had, explaining that she has no choice as she becomes frailer.

Your DH needs to have a frank discussion with her outlining her options, which are basically accept carers coming into her home, or look at selling and moving into sheltered accommodation or a care home. He needs to make it very clear that moving in with you isn't an option, for all the reasons you've mentioned.

Sestriere · 17/10/2022 07:38

Furnitureflipper · 17/10/2022 06:10

I thought this 🤔

Show quote history

And me 😀

Ellmau · 17/10/2022 07:46

The renting issue adds another aspect. What if your friend's life in Dubai were to collapse, or she died and her son needed his inheritance? Finding a new rental with room for MIL as well would be a nightmare.

FennelAndOnions · 17/10/2022 07:46

My Grandparent is 93, so you’re right there is a generation missing.

juvi · 17/10/2022 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WagnersFourthSymphony · 17/10/2022 07:49

60 years ago it was not uncommon for families to do this for your MIL's parents' generation. She may have known families who did this when she was younger. The front room was given over to be Granny's bedsit. People upended their lives to do this, though sometimes the elderly parent spent some part of the year with one daughter (it was always the daughters!) and some time with another.

But in those days - 60 years ago - it was common for women to be SAHMs. A man's wage was usually enough to support the family. It was common to expect women to self-sacrifice. It was common to expect children to tiptoe around Granny.

It was a totally different world. She may not have realised quite how much has changed, economically and socially.

You and your DH are going to have to have a frank discussion with her about this. It's strange that your MIL hasn't already talked to you directly. It's going to be painful. Good luck.
Flowers

toomuchlaundry · 17/10/2022 07:50

Families/cultures who look after their older family members usually have someone at home to do the caring, usually the wife and their life isn’t usually a bed of roses.

Bluebellandpansies · 17/10/2022 07:51

See does not have much time left. It's your hubby who will have to talk to her. But you really have to map out beforehand what is acceptable for you. A granny flat with care coming everyday would be the solution. I don't see any problem with the 6 year old, usually seniors are happy around bouncy kids as it gives them a new lease of life and they find themselves useful. Things will change, it's life. For her and for you, you will both have to give to that you do not feel guilty in the end. What amount of life is left you have no idea, it might be 5 years, it might be six months. Try to deal with it swiftly as best as you can. She will need carers. For me that would be a non negotiable.

Aria2015 · 17/10/2022 07:52

If she sold her property couldn't she put some of the money towards receiving outside carers to help at your home so that you or your dh wouldn't have to change anything re your work? It's never really convenient to have family move in. But I'd do it for my own mother or dh's parents if they got to the point where they were struggling alone at home.

If family she can't live with you, she will have no choice but to pay for care in some way.m in her own home. So maybe look into ways to make that happen. She has a property so that can be used in some way if she doesn't have sufficient savings.

ploed · 17/10/2022 07:55

Lots of women have children in their 40's and many women have a partner who are a bit older than themselves.

It's not hard to see how this can lead to a Dad having a school age child and a very elderly parent!

Dorisbonson · 17/10/2022 07:58

The life expectancy of a 94 year old is sadly probably not that long. Id let her move in and enjoy the time she has with family. Tell her that carers are necessary or use the money from her house sale to put down a deposit on a house somewhere and then all live together in an adapted house.

She is 94 not 70.

User57713 · 17/10/2022 07:58

I've got a 9 yr old and my dmil is 96.

Dh was a "late baby" or a "change baby" as my gran would have said, dmil was 46 when he was born. Dh was 41 when ds was born.

There's no layer missing, that's just how it is.

And it makes no difference to the op's situation anyway.

And I hope I've got my maths exactly right, I can see you all out there checking my calculations.

Judijudi · 17/10/2022 08:02

94! Seriously how long do you think she’ll be around? Surely you could adapt for the short time it’s likely to be? I think it’s very sad that you don’t want to. I wish I had my mum n dad / in laws still alive so that I could do this.

toomuchlaundry · 17/10/2022 08:05

@Dorisbonson where does all the money come from to buy a property together? OP and her DH rent and the MIL only has a small amount of equity

Heavenknows22 · 17/10/2022 08:06

I think the obvious solution is carers in her home to help her stay there. Physically moving house would be a big upheaval for her and presumably yourselves too.

I know lots of elderly people resist having carers (my parents did) but they get used to it because they need the actual care.

Namechangenumber23 · 17/10/2022 08:06

We have large generational gaps in our family too. We have great grandchildren older than grandchildren, Aunts closer in age to nieces/nephews than to their siblings. It can be a bit of a brain melt.

diddl · 17/10/2022 08:07

It's difficult as she might suddenly need much more care than her son could give her & need to move again-or Op & her family might need to move-so her having carers in Op's house might not even be an option.
(Even if Op was OK with her MIL moving in)

If she won't move to somewhere else or have carers she can't just expect to move into someone else's house!

passport123 · 17/10/2022 08:09

She told me today she is having the house valued so she can "move in with family

"That's nice MIL, who are you going to move in with?"

Then when she says you, act shocked and say that you're really sorry but there's no way that would work, for all the reasons you've given.

Done. Beating around the bush will hurt her more in the long run.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 17/10/2022 08:09

Realistically she is hardly going to around much longer. Get her a live in au pair at yours, which she can pay for herself from her house sale.

toomuchlaundry · 17/10/2022 08:09

@Judijudi of both OP and DH work FT and rent so can’t make adaptations to the house, how do you think it would realistically work having MIL in the house?

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 17/10/2022 08:09

She said she's having her place valued to sell "and move in with family"? I'd call her out on this directly br asking "Which family?!!" as that'll open the discussion about her plans. Make sure DH is with you and in agreement so she doesnt play 'divide and conquer'.

My DM said for many years that she didn't want yo be a burden and would prefer 'professional care' but now she's in her 70s, she's changing her tune and has mentioned how far away we are...

toomuchlaundry · 17/10/2022 08:10

How many au pairs get used as cheap labour?

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