Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL dropping hints about moving in.

424 replies

HappyDays40 · 17/10/2022 04:22

I have a lovely but very elderly MIL who at 94 lives independently and has friends who come and visit her that live on the street. We do shopping appointments etc and visits each week she is about 20 miles away. Sometimes when she isn't feeling too good she stays for a few days but is always glad to get back home as we have a noisy 6 year old who she loves but it can understandably get too much.
She told me today she is having the house valued so she can "move in with family ".......I think she means us considering there is nobody else:)
She is unsteady on her feet, can't do stairs but her house is adapted, she is familiar with it. Wherever she moves to would need some adaptations. When she does stay its very hard, we have a small dog who gets under her feet so is a falls risk, we have to move our work ( both full time) to make sure we are home to help her too the loo, get her drinks etc. She is no problem just sits in her chair , watches telly and drinks tea. But it isn't possible to work from home all the time our jobs involve some time out of the house!
Her friends pop over and wouldn't be able to do that if she were here.
We go away, do festivals and are not home much at weekends especially in the summer, she won't have carers or respite care.
I don't want her to move in permanently as it cannot possibly work logistically. She is welcome to stop over but it stops our routines an restricts us to the house. Not sure how we would manage to work, care for her full time and continue any quality of life for our son. Any suggestions how to address this without hurting her feelings are welcome.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 17/10/2022 04:27

I think your DH needs a frank discussion with her. She can't move in with you, doesn't want carers and presumably doesn't want to go into a home. One of those things will have to change and since your situation can't, she will have to make some decisions.

You all sound lovely BTW Sad

HighlandPony · 17/10/2022 04:32

Granny annex? If she’s selling I doubt it would be that hard and a few of my clients live in them.

Moonshine5 · 17/10/2022 04:32

Hi I think you have to accept your response will hurt her feelings. This is an honest answer if not the one you would like.

frazzledasarock · 17/10/2022 04:34

You and your husband need to agree what you want and speak to her. ASAP if she’s having her house valued!

Paranoidandroidmarvin · 17/10/2022 04:35

I have been in a situation once and am now where a family member moves in.

I think ur looking at it in a realistic way to be honest. They are okay now. But as they get old they do need 24 hour care. Going to the toilet and even just getting up out of bed , bathing etc. Trust me when I say it is a full time job and is hard physically and mentally. and u will not be able to go to work when she gets older without any outside support. And even then it is hard. If u are not able to do that kind of care they would be best to be somewhere else. It sounds heartless but it is for the best. My grandad was bed blind for years and required full time care but was kept at home.
This is happening again with my grandmother. And my mum is exhausted and tired.

Original poster
HappyDays40 · 17/10/2022 04:40

I think you are right. I love her so much and totally understand that she feels vulnerable at times we get on great. Forgot to say the we rent. We are very lucky our friend is in Dubai for the long haul we pay moderate rent and look after the house so she has a nest egg for her son.....so we can't build on the house.
I feel so bad but she is taking a snap shot of life and thinking of it as a long term solution. I'm sure her grandson would start getting on her nerves and she would be instructing me to look up things on Rightmove straight away:)

OP posts:
SuperCamp · 17/10/2022 04:45

I think your DH, or you and DH, need to gently talk it all through with her.

Start with talking about what she feels she needs now.

The practicalities of moving in with you are fairly clear: not adapted, noise, dog, friends, you won’t be there etc.

Might she be feeling a bit frightened / daunted?

Does she get carers allowance? My Mum got a cleaner, who as a regular person in the house became a reassuring presence.

My Mum also resisted the idea of caters but again once she was used to someone popping in to help her dress and shower she came to welcome it.

Original poster
HappyDays40 · 17/10/2022 04:45

I even suggested sheltered accomodation but she said she'd be lonely if she moved away from friends and wasn't living living with family ( us) poor woman it must be tough .

OP posts:
TheTeenageYears · 17/10/2022 04:49

As you rent do you think there could be any chance she's thinking of selling and buying somewhere for you that she could also live in?

Original poster
HappyDays40 · 17/10/2022 04:53

No I certainly don't want her to do that she releasesd equity so while it's enough to buy her something it's not enough left to buy anything more than a one bedroom flat.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 17/10/2022 04:56

Your DH will need to have a frank conversation with her advising it’s not feasible for her to move in with you and alternatives if she feels she can no longer live alone.

Bramblejoos · 17/10/2022 05:43

Could a carer move in with her?
Free accommodation and low pay?
I know someone who hired 3 carers to share the care so one stayed full time other 2 were on their time off.

Bluetrews25 · 17/10/2022 05:46

Help her to look for local to her retirement flats.
Friends can still pop in, and there will be a community there.
Push that she must allow carers in as you cannot do everything. Life is different these days - women with children have to work in order for the family to live. Point this out to her, she may not have really clocked it, as things were very different in her youth. Times have changed, family cannot be carers these days without huge sacrifices. (And certainly not against their will!)

babyyodaxmas · 17/10/2022 05:51

This is off topic, but how do these generations work ? MIL is 94 and you have a 6 yo ? Is your DH in his mid- late 50's or 60's. Can't help thinking there should be another layer in this sandwich.

Bramblejoos · 17/10/2022 05:59

I would also make it clear that it will be her DS who will be caring for her at home as you have a full time job and the 6 year old.
That might make it less amenable to her.

TwoWeeksislong · 17/10/2022 06:08

@babyyodaxmas
You’re off topic and rude. You’ve already done the maths. You know who the generations work, you’re just having a go at OP’s H for having kids late.

Furnitureflipper · 17/10/2022 06:10

babyyodaxmas · 17/10/2022 05:51

This is off topic, but how do these generations work ? MIL is 94 and you have a 6 yo ? Is your DH in his mid- late 50's or 60's. Can't help thinking there should be another layer in this sandwich.

I thought this 🤔

PorridgewithQuark · 17/10/2022 06:12

She'd be really ill advised to move away from her friends as she currently gets lots of visitors. I've seen this with my parents'contemporaries/ friends/ relatives of their generation. Often a longing to move to the countryside, or the sea, or back to where they grew up but haven't lived for 60-70 years sets in, but moving actually leaves them horribly isolated and lonely.

Really any move needs to be made while still well and active and energetic enough to put serious effort into building a strong new network before frailty limits ability to do this.

If she's determined to move she needs to use her equity to buy that purpose built "future proof" one bed flat with lift if not on the ground floor, wet-room (to allow easy access to the shower even if she ends up in a wheelchair or unable to move around the flat without a walker), wide doorways etc. Obviously your rented home is completely unsuitable.

PorridgewithQuark · 17/10/2022 06:14

babyyodaxmas · 17/10/2022 05:51

This is off topic, but how do these generations work ? MIL is 94 and you have a 6 yo ? Is your DH in his mid- late 50's or 60's. Can't help thinking there should be another layer in this sandwich.

She had her only child at 39/40 and he fathered his child with the OP at 48?

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 06:22

babyyodaxmas · 17/10/2022 05:51

This is off topic, but how do these generations work ? MIL is 94 and you have a 6 yo ? Is your DH in his mid- late 50's or 60's. Can't help thinking there should be another layer in this sandwich.

Judgy much?!

sandytooth · 17/10/2022 06:25

OP, your husband needs to be the one to tell her no, not you. The retirement flats can be a great idea if she doesn't need a "home" right now. Are there any nearby? She can still see her friends etc from there and they often have lounges with shared events on for the residents. It is very tough to see someone at that age struggle with not wanting carers if they need them. Please take care of yourself.

Oddbutnotodd · 17/10/2022 06:44

Another off topic point. I read an article about equity release earlier. I can see why it’s rarely a good idea as proved by this scenario. Your MIL has limited her choices as she doesn’t have the capital to buy better accommodation.
Realistically she’ll have to get in carers.

Tiswa · 17/10/2022 06:50

My grandmother went into retirement care around that age (maybe 93). She has a one bed flat that she part owns and part rents (and the rent covers some care) and as well as the flats there is a care home side as well

they eat lunch together covid permitting etc. she likes it though thinking now at 98 she may need more care

N27 · 17/10/2022 07:05

babyyodaxmas · 17/10/2022 05:51

This is off topic, but how do these generations work ? MIL is 94 and you have a 6 yo ? Is your DH in his mid- late 50's or 60's. Can't help thinking there should be another layer in this sandwich.

Is this relevant to the situation or are you just judging?

Roselilly36 · 17/10/2022 07:13

Don’t do it OP, it will change your family dynamic, if you MIL needs extra care, leave it to the professionals.