MIL dropping hints about moving in.

[HappyDays40]

I have a lovely but very elderly MIL who at 94 lives independently and has friends who come and visit her that live on the street. We do shopping appointments etc and visits each week she is about 20 miles away. Sometimes when she isn't feeling too good she stays for a few days but is always glad to get back home as we have a noisy 6 year old who she loves but it can understandably get too much.
She told me today she is having the house valued so she can "move in with family ".......I think she means us considering there is nobody else:)
She is unsteady on her feet, can't do stairs but her house is adapted, she is familiar with it. Wherever she moves to would need some adaptations. When she does stay its very hard, we have a small dog who gets under her feet so is a falls risk, we have to move our work ( both full time) to make sure we are home to help her too the loo, get her drinks etc. She is no problem just sits in her chair , watches telly and drinks tea. But it isn't possible to work from home all the time our jobs involve some time out of the house!
Her friends pop over and wouldn't be able to do that if she were here.
We go away, do festivals and are not home much at weekends especially in the summer, she won't have carers or respite care.
I don't want her to move in permanently as it cannot possibly work logistically. She is welcome to stop over but it stops our routines an restricts us to the house. Not sure how we would manage to work, care for her full time and continue any quality of life for our son. Any suggestions how to address this without hurting her feelings are welcome.

Same. You can afford to be kind. If she were :only" 74 it'd be a bigger deal.

If one thing working in healthcare has taught me. Don't assume that because someone is in their 90s "they don't have long". She could easily be around for years yet. I see a lot of patients over the age of 98/99 with hugely varying degrees of frailty and it's those you'd think would "not be long" that surprise you the most in their longevity.

You obviously need to have a sensitive and practical chat OP. It's likely MIL is coming to terms with needing more help and this may be her way of signalling that to you. I hope you find a way that works for you all.

OP, I think it is interesting you are posting on this conundrum and not your DH, her son. Do you think your DH has given your MIL the impression this would be an option? Given the age of your child relative to his grandmother and the fact you are living in rented accommodation, I wonder if your DH may be in his late 50s / early 60s and in a second marriage. Would he be planning to retire / cut back his work to do the day to day care? I think the kindest thing to do is be very clear if this is not something you want - knock this idea on the head before the estate agents visit.

Must admit, I wondered this.

Gosh so many judgy beige Stepford Wives type posters.

There is a nearly 40 year age gap between my parents and I’m in my late thirties. My father is over a decade older than op’s.

I have siblings in their twenties and siblings in their mid seventies.

Anyway for those saying that OP is mean and should just look after granny, hell no, they are renting, being a carer will limit her earning potential which they need if they ever hope to own, they don’t have the stability of their own house they can accommodate a seniors access needs and may need to find a new rental with a senior if the landlord needs their house back and the majority of care will end up in op’s lap because we all know that’s what will happen.

Yes it will be hard to tell MIL but the bandaid needs to be ripped off now so that they can plan for her future while she has all her faculties and can decide on the option that works best for MIL (that isn’t living with DIL, DS and GC)

Is DH her only DC?

Does she not have any nieces/ nephews?

No other family at all?

She needs carers, regardless of where she lives? Is there a cultural opposition to this?

It's DH's problem not yours.

If he wants to cut back on work to care for his DM there's nothing stopping him.

We have just come out of being full time carers for my lovely MIL.
She was living alone in a bungalow with carers for an hour a day but the rest of the time was roaming around the house and trying to puzzle out the phone. ( we put cameras in- she and the carers knew)
So we moved her in with us last Christmas, she was 98 then and terrified of care homes, always had been.
She died in August and never ever underestimate the toll it will take on you and the family. Our grandchildren live next door to us and she loved them popping in but 10mins was her limit.
When people say she won’t have long….you don’t know it could be years.

My mum, on the other hand, loved her residential home “ It’s like a hotel, I am not lonely or frightened anymore, I have an en-suite room and am warm and have all my needs met” and that freed me up to become a daughter again.

Our elderly/ancient parents are not all the same and deserve to be treated as individuals. In your case moving her in would do you all a disservice.
As I see it these are the choices
She stays where she is with increased help.
She moves locally into sheltered housing but what if she needs another move? Every move will bring a slide down.
She moves even closer to you but that then loses her her drop in friends.

I wish you all the very best.

It’s not that unusual a generation gap. Prince Philip had a 12 year old grandson when he died age 99 a couple of years ago. A couple of babies slightly later in life and it’s easily achieved.

It's only in soaps that houses can infinitely expand to take more to fit more people. The OP I'd renting so unlikely to be able tomake the adjustments MIL is highly likely to need - grab rails, ramps, walk in shower, bedroom on the ground floor, let alone find another spare room for an au pair.

I would lay out her options to her.

The easiest to implement is to have carers come into her home. You could say it is trial period to see how things go. She stays in her adapted familiar surroundings with friends still able to visit. You guys keep an eye on carers. Your MiL sounds like she is still sharp, but physically frail. Moving elsewhere would really deprive her of the community and company she currently has.

There's a very useful elderly parents board in mumsnet.

This is easy.

’We can’t do that, you know, Celia. This isn’t our house, it’s Kate’s house.’

We have similar issues with MIL. She suggested moving in, DH suggested her moving in. I asked him when he was stopping work to take care of her. Happy to shower her, clean her up after fecal incontinence? He is no longer suggesting it.

I am pleased I can no longer drive (medical). I am pleased we don't have a downstairs loo. I am pleased we stuck to a 3 bed. I repeat my mantra.... "not in this house". I'm not looking for another house, and as the organiser in the family, if I don't do it, it won't get done.

I don't care if I'm labelled the bitch. My life, my choices.

Nowadays, a look in the age-related Birthday card section, in any card shop/supermarket, always has a selection for those reaching the grand old age of 100 years. And it’s not uncommon for people to reach beyond that nowadays, although I’m not sure many of those have much quality of life. In my experience (we have a 93 year old in our family) it seems that an enormous amount of resources (especially NHS) are thrown at prolonging their life, but who picks up the tab when it comes to living arrangements/social care?

My dad opted for residential care as he always said he wouldn't want to live with either me or my brother, not because he didn't like us but because he knew it would affect us having an ageing parent (he was 91 at the time) who would need more and more care as he aged. We are both in our late 60s.

I have friends who look after an ageing parent(s) and their lives are just miserable and exhausting in trying to work full time and then coming home to feed, clean and sort out a bedridden parent who can't do anything at all for themselves but refuses to ease the burden on their child by either having carers in or going into sheltered or private residential care.

It's all very well for some posters to say 'be kind, it's not like she's 70', but realistically she could live for another 7 years or so, assuming good health. That's your son's childhood and key years in your job.
I don't think it would be your husband under pressure to give up work and do her personal care if the time comes that she needs it!

Your home would be completely taken over. I'm a sahm and I wouldn't do this for ils - I think it ruins a marriage because couples need their own space. I find it hard enough having my adult kids in the house sometimes and I love them. But sometimes you just need to be a couple and living with elderly, needy relatives would kill any privacy.

And a big thing is that your home isn't securely yours - mil could move in, spend her money on carers and your friend could need her house back and you would be in position of having to house all of you.

I’m not sure how some posters have calculated that OP can afford to ‘be kind’ and take in her MIL. A 6 year old DC, busy jobs and rented accommodation. There’s likely nothing left to give in terms of time, there’s a cost of living crisis so it isn’t as easy as drooping hours at work- I would imagine with a 6 year old this has already been done as much as possible. Even from a practical perspective, I’m not sure how the alterations will be made to rented accommodation, or if there is even room.

You could ask MIL to fund any of the cost difference that would be required or additional care, but you could find yourselves in a position that she needs full time care and depending how long she is around for, funds will quickly dwindle. There’s plenty of other threads where women are told not to be pressured into becoming carers so I’m not sure why the advice you are receiving form some posters is different.

OP, I think it is interesting you are posting on this conundrum and not your DH, her son

This site is called mumsnet, @LadyLapsang . Why would he post here?

Wtf speculating about ages and generations? Bunch of fishwives, mind your own business.

I don’t have advice on the situation but I noticed in your earlier post you were describing how she would find her grandson got on her nerves, she would be wanting you to look on Rightmove. All about her not enjoying it. You might want to think about avoiding that language with her - both because it suggests she doesn’t know what she wants, but also because she might be right about what she wants! So maybe you need to talk about the reasons you can’t/don’t want to do this, not try and convince her (or yourself/DH) she wouldn’t like it.

She might live to 100. She might live to 104. God knows, maybe longer.

It's a gamble surely and once they agree they can't really kick her out, that doesn't mean they should sign up to 5-15 years of a big life change!

Many of these unpaid (usually female) carers have significant depression and anxiety from having the grind of caring...

Often so the menfolk can say... 'of course, WE look after mum'...

Where the reality is... They make them the odd cup of tea.

"move in with family "

That is when you should have said "who are you moving in with?"

If she is assuming you, she needs to know now that that is not an option before she sells up.

My in laws moved my husband's gran in with them during lockdown she had just turned 90 at the time. She was similar and didn't want to go into a care home and was fiercely independent. She had a few falls and it got to the point she wasn't safe. My in laws are both retired and quite well off, their house is big enough to allow her to have a room downstairs and they adapted the rest of their house turning the downstairs bathroom into a wet room etc. She lived with them for a few months but it was unbearable for my fil (it isn't his mum) they had carers in lots everyday but my fil (who is a nice bloke normally) was pretty nasty about her behind her back. He didn't want her in his house anymore. I wasn't impressed with what they did but they basically put her into a care home whilst they went on holiday with 0 intension of her coming out. They moved her to a home without her say so or input, which I found awful. Obviously I wasn't living with her but it all seemed very mean. The point I'm making is the best intentioned people who were retired with no children or animals at home just couldn't cope looking after her even with the support of carers. A working family with a small child this will never work. Just don't do what they did, I felt it was very nasty and secretive, she's not a confused old lady, she's all there and her issues are predominantly physical, she had no say.

One quick question how is your mil 96, my husband is nearly 40 and his gran is 93, your husband must be 60s with a 6 year old? Or is there a generation missing?

Yes I couldn’t help but think this also! I guess an older DH! Sorry - nosy but I couldn’t help but do the maths.

To those saying "it won't be for long, just adapt", what exactly are you suggesting? Should they get rid of their dog (trip hazard), gag their 6yo (noisy) and change their way of life (not at home much at weekends)? It's also a rental property so they most likely won't be able to make any adaptions to it for someone with mobility problems.

Typical MN phrase - just adapt; just leave; just start again....assuming it's a simple thing for the OP, and not taking into account their logistics/finances or how it may impact their health/relationship/family.