MIL dropping hints about moving in.

[HappyDays40]

I have a lovely but very elderly MIL who at 94 lives independently and has friends who come and visit her that live on the street. We do shopping appointments etc and visits each week she is about 20 miles away. Sometimes when she isn't feeling too good she stays for a few days but is always glad to get back home as we have a noisy 6 year old who she loves but it can understandably get too much.
She told me today she is having the house valued so she can "move in with family ".......I think she means us considering there is nobody else:)
She is unsteady on her feet, can't do stairs but her house is adapted, she is familiar with it. Wherever she moves to would need some adaptations. When she does stay its very hard, we have a small dog who gets under her feet so is a falls risk, we have to move our work ( both full time) to make sure we are home to help her too the loo, get her drinks etc. She is no problem just sits in her chair , watches telly and drinks tea. But it isn't possible to work from home all the time our jobs involve some time out of the house!
Her friends pop over and wouldn't be able to do that if she were here.
We go away, do festivals and are not home much at weekends especially in the summer, she won't have carers or respite care.
I don't want her to move in permanently as it cannot possibly work logistically. She is welcome to stop over but it stops our routines an restricts us to the house. Not sure how we would manage to work, care for her full time and continue any quality of life for our son. Any suggestions how to address this without hurting her feelings are welcome.

I'm in a similar situation ourselves. MIL says she wants to live with us although she can't bring herself to tell her other children yet. She's late 80s and needing more help. We're sourcing carers for her today. For now we live in a one bed flat and house hunting. I'm worried we'll need to devote our lives to her but I can't bear to have her in a home. She lives in a 4bed turned 3bed and I've suggested we clear out the 4th room and rent it out to a carer but she lives in a quiet village and the carer will be exposing themselves to so many people during the day. Thankfully she's avoided covid so far.
Elderly people shouldn't live alone.

Does she realise that you have to change your routines when she visits, or does she just think this is how you always live/work?

She needs someone in the house at all times to assist her

This would be my question too. What assistance does she have now? I’m assuming the alternative is she sells her home and uses all her assets to pay for care or to move into a home?

If it were me, I would ask your DH to have an honest conversation with her about carers. Did she really start getting the house valued with no conversation with you first? You sound a lovely dil but I would not be doing this if I were you. Looking after someone full time is bloody exhausting and you have a young child to consider. There would end up being a lot of resentment.

I thought this as well. It's relevant

@HappyDays40 would there be room for you to move in with her? Appreciate 6yo would need to change schools which is a big ask, and obvs could be 20 miles in the opposite direction to where you work when you don't wfh but she'd still have her friends/neighbours on hand to help out and you could still live your normal life?

Or maybe she's thinking about buggering off to Australia to live with her other grandchildren?!

@BigBunkers she has a gardener and cleaner. Manages to dress and wash herself makes simple meals but this is all in her familiar adapted environment. We have a dining room that she sleeps in if she does stay over and a commode for her. All the familiar places and bits of furniture hat she uses to place her hand to steady herself are different in our home.
She honestly does great but confidence has been dented by a fall.

@PortalooSunset Her house is a two bed dorma bungalow so not enough room to live with her, although we do stay with her if she is ill. My son needs some additional help at school so changing his school is not an option he has moved once already and is only in Y2.
The commute wouldn't be do able for work, I changed jobs in May because I spent about 2 hours each way on the motorway in traffic and it would be the same if we moved closer to her.

It’s not a good fit for either of you and she needs to keep her independence as long as possible. Plus moving in with you might isolate her socially and that’s horrible. Would extra support within her home help?

Would it help her understand that moving in with you would not work if you showed her what a few typical days are like. Invite her for a few days then continue with your normal routines, go to work and school, leave her in the house with the dog. Allow your child to run around as usual, maybe even invite a friend over. It may sound cruel but at the moment it sounds like she has a false idea of what life would be like in your house and experiencing reality may help it to sink in whereas you telling her will not.

Have you spoken to her about a nursing home? Next time she hints, suggest to her a nursing home. She might get the hint, or at least ask you outright and it can come to a head and you can make sure she knows it's not an option.

Ok, clearly that's not an option. I think it's time to have the conversation with her then, to make it clear that her moving in and being cared for by dh and yourself full time isn't really possible.

Was her fall recent? Has she had any input from physio/OT? If not she could ask GP to refer her to the community team for an assessment. They'd be able to work with her on improving her confidence.

My parents’ next door neighbour recently died aged 97 and she lived in her own home right until the end (she was in good health). She had a live in carer and that meant she could stay in her home. Would finances allow for that? They used to be young cheerful girls who would come in for 4/5 days at a time and cook, clean, look after her, they were lovely and she loved having them.
She was in great health until the end when she had a sit in the garden in the morning, said to her carer “I think I’ll have a little lie down after lunch” and then just peacefully died.

Don’t do it. MIL could live another ten years or more and your son’s whole childhood will change, good in some ways but generally not in his favour.

ds3 is 16. His grandad fought in the First World War. All families are different.

How much would a live in carer cost though?

What about overnights?

Wouldn't you need three doing 8hrs a day?

A care home would probably be cheaper.

Plus there is a sense of community & activities.

My Dad went into a care home.

It was such a relief!

He was warm, had constant company if he wanted, well fed & most of all-safe!

HNRTT but fact based discussion based on her likely trajectory and timing to more supportive car settings. You rent and both work full time so moving in will leave her worse off with no one at home, stairs and without her friends dropping in so her realistic options involve staying in her home with continuing access to friends and being realistic about allowing paid carers then being flexible to care/nursing/sheltered according to her needs.

Generally those care settings have more sociable residents so most but not all welcome and settle in well. Some don't.

Good luck.

You need to get some brochures or residential care places as close as possible to you and emphasise to her that if she owns her home, selling will provide enough money to fund very good residential care for the limited years she has left. You really want her to have maximum care and comfort.

Then you can see more of her but know she's safe and has company 24/7,

Neither us nor her have the finances for a live in carer. The local authority won't pay for that. She has just rung me upset and asked out right to come here. I said ill visit her tomorrow and have a chat but said it's not an option as we can only move our work schedule around on a short term basis when she stays but our employers would not be happy if we were unavailable on certain days on a permanent basis. She has cried and now put the phone down on me saying she can't talk right nòw. Can't blame her, she feels lost and rejected :(

My husband is due to take her to have her hearing done tomorrow so we will have to talk to her then. She won't accept outside help and we will feel guilty. I just know it wouldn't be sustainable. She thinks I don't love her which is totally untrue.

She has also got angry saying she won't go into a care home. I know it's just anxiety and uncertainty talking so I'm not taking it personally. She told me she looked after her mum and hoped we could do the same courtesy. I tried to explain but she isn't able to take it in currently. Oh my days!

I don't see how you can have her to live with you if you don't own your house and can't make adaptations to it. That's the end of the debate isn't it?

As for her being 94, she could easily make it to 99 or even 104. She could die next year, but you have no way of knowing how long a commitment might be.

And the age gap - people have children late in life, they have second families. My father was 49 when he had me, he was 93 when he died and my son was 13. Not 6, but not that different. My uncle has a second family too, he is 86 and my youngest cousin is only 25.

Neither us nor her have the finances for a live in carer. The local authority won't pay for that but they will pay for visiting carers. MIL had carers coming in four times a day for nearly 4 years and didn't have to pay. She went into a care home for the last few weeks of her life, that was it.

It was different - my aunt "looked after" my grandmother. She took her meals but that was it. Same with MIL who looked after her parents and took them meals every day. Also in both cases they lived in the next street.

And they both owned their own homes so could have and adaptations if it had come to it.