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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable for wanting another child

169 replies

Wiluli · 16/10/2022 18:13

I’m almost 40 , I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and one with my partner and my partner has a teen daughter that we love .
I love him to bits and we have a great relationship been together 3 years . One of my oldest daughters has severe autism so she will always be in my care. prior to being with my current partner I was single for a long time , I always been in charge of rent my home ,car etc , I paid and pay my own bills my whole life .
Anyway my youngest is now 1 year old , I’m hitting my 40s and I feel like I found the love of my life so late that certain options where taken from us .
I had a pregnancy scare , I thought I was pregnant as I’m late 3 days ( I’m never late ) but the test was negative .
I feel both of us should be relieved , home is to small to add another kid ( only have 3ans half bedrooms ) and we rent so would mean a move , I just got a big promotion , I have enough on my plate , we are old etc etc etc , all the logical reasons !
But as soon as I his face I could see the disappointment and to be honest I was too .
Am I being completely irrational for wanting another child ?
I wish I had more time to decide but I know I won’t die to my age .

OP posts:
WildOats5678 · 16/10/2022 18:30

Think about your existing children and not the imaginary one. How big of an upheaval it would be if you did move especially for your autistic child?

Ohwellwhateverthen · 16/10/2022 18:31

This sounds like a dreadful idea OP.

MeowMeowPowerRangers · 16/10/2022 18:37

No. The rental market is ridiculous right now. You need to think of your actual children not an imaginary child sorry to say op.

KitchiHuritAngeni · 16/10/2022 18:43

I totally get it op. If I listened to my heart I would never have stopped having babies.

You have to plan for if you and your dp split up, how could you cope if something happened and you went to one income, how will you cope with 2 little ones, not much space, and an older dd who relies on you.

You know yourself it absolutely isn't practical, or fair on all the existing people in your family.

Not easy, but its a really common feeling, and now my youngest is 5 I am so glad I didn't have any more or I would still be in the thick of the baby days/paying childcare/sleepless nights etc.

asdadult · 16/10/2022 18:45

That sounds like a really bad idea.

Darbs76 · 16/10/2022 18:50

I really wouldn’t - not in the current climate. You might feel exactly the same after the next baby is 1, and you have to stop at some time. Your baby is still so very young, you’ve got plenty of babyhood to enjoy now. Of course your decision - but I think focus on the kids you’ve got and your job

Ekátn · 16/10/2022 18:53

Yanbu to want one.

But in your position I wouldn’t. For all the reasons you listed.

But also what if you have one more and then you still want one more. My mum always felt like she should have had one more. Right up until she died. She reconciled it with the fact that if she had, had 10 kids still probably would have wanted just one more.

inheritanceshiteagain · 16/10/2022 18:53

You are being ridiculous, impractical and trying to make a dream a reality with no real thought for the consequences

Waitingfordecember · 16/10/2022 18:54

It’s hard but I wouldn’t. I think it’s better for your existing children and living situation if you don’t.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/10/2022 18:55

I'm sorry but I think you would be crazy to have another child in these circumstances.

If this was a long-awaited first child with your partner it might be different but in this situation I'd be grateful for the children you do have and focus on them. The broodiness will pass, another child won't and it will bring a huge amount of complexity and challenge which you can ill afford.

Rumplestrumpet · 16/10/2022 18:56

It's totally natural to want another. But that doesn't mean it would be the right decision. You have 4 children between you, one with additional needs. Focus on the kids you have and the new job. Don't let your hormones get the better of you

KalaniM · 16/10/2022 19:00

Honestly there are loads of us that would have liked another child. Its such a common feeling, and when you get to 40 your hormones start calling out ‘last chance saloon, all aboard’… but the balance of family, house space, finances, and the years ahead ( with menopause etc) means ultimately it’s wise to quit while you’re ahead….imho.

ffsnotagainandagain · 16/10/2022 19:05

Ok but most of us would probably have wanted one more if the circumstances were right. I remind myself regularly to focus on what I have, I suggest you do the same.

3ShotsOfEspresso · 16/10/2022 19:07

Normal feelings, but please be smart and look at logistics. X

Original poster
Wiluli · 17/10/2022 10:56

Ok I m thankful for all replies .
But just want to say , I have no idea where people got the idea I can’t afford another child or that we are struggling. We are not . Not rich but comfortable . So a financia reason is not really existent.

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 17/10/2022 10:59

You may not be unreasonable to want one, but just "wanting" a baby is not a good enough reason to actually have one! There are so many practical things to consider, which is why so many people choose to have few or no children. We just can't have everything we want in life!

Ilovechinese · 17/10/2022 14:01

If you both want one go for it! You said yourself you're not struggling. I always swe people ask on here if they should have another child and 99% of recession always say no. Buy its not heir baby and not them having to raise it so don't see why their opinion matters. You want one so try and see what happens, it might not work anyway. Or you already could be, your 3 days late and say you're never usually late. I have 5 children and every time my period was late I knew I was pregnant. It night be too early for the test to show up. Try again in a couple of days if still no period an the cheaper tests work better. Good luck in whatever you decide

Ilovechinese · 17/10/2022 14:03

If you both want one go for it! You said yourself you're not struggling. I always see people ask on here if they should have another child and 99% of replies always say no. But it's not their baby and not them having to raise it so don't see why their opinion matters. You want one so try and see what happens, it might not work anyway. Or you already could be, your 3 days late and say you're never usually late. I have 5 children and every time my period was late I knew I was pregnant. It might be too early for the test to show up. Try again in a couple of days if still no period an the cheaper tests work better. Good luck in whatever you decide

Sorry posted again to correct my mistakes.

NCFT0922 · 17/10/2022 14:07

Wiluli · 17/10/2022 10:56

Ok I m thankful for all replies .
But just want to say , I have no idea where people got the idea I can’t afford another child or that we are struggling. We are not . Not rich but comfortable . So a financia reason is not really existent.

Of course the financial reason is existent; you rent!
YABU to want another child. There are already 4 children, big age gaps, who have to share rooms and what sounds like a cramped, unsecure house.
what if you have to move and the only ones available are even smaller? What if it’s a flat and you’ve no outdoor space for 5 children?
I would focus on your existing children and I say this as a mother of 4 but in admittedly very different circs.

Original poster
Wiluli · 17/10/2022 16:17

NCFT0922 · 17/10/2022 14:07

Of course the financial reason is existent; you rent!
YABU to want another child. There are already 4 children, big age gaps, who have to share rooms and what sounds like a cramped, unsecure house.
what if you have to move and the only ones available are even smaller? What if it’s a flat and you’ve no outdoor space for 5 children?
I would focus on your existing children and I say this as a mother of 4 but in admittedly very different circs.

Show quote history

Im sorry you are of course entitled to your opinion but you are being a bit creative with interpretation. we rent because we both sold previous homes ( well he is still selling ) and don’t what a mortgage starting at 40 ! We talked about building our own in the future mortgage free, but still we live in a long term rental , why dobrou see that as us being financially unstable is beyond me , over 35% of the U.K. population rents . Also none of our children share rooms . Only 3 live with us full time and they all have their own bedrooms and when the step child visits they have the converted garage currently a cinema /bar room as he prefers it that way .
We live in a detached farm and we would never move to a flat I should add , the house is not massive but by no means cramped either . I already paid for this home when my partner moved so if we whereby separate ( which I’m in no way expecting ) I’m absolutely fine paying for all bills alone as I’ve done it before, I have a very secure career .

OP posts:
NCFT0922 · 17/10/2022 17:00

Already paid for what home? You rent? And how do 3 children have their own rooms in a 3 bed house? Do you not have a bedroom? if you didn’t want opinions then why post on mumsnet? Not wanting a mortgage at 40 is a silly reason to rent all your life; yes all your life including past retirement. You may still be supporting a child through university in your 60s too. A cinema / bar isn’t a good bedroom for a teen, though of course they love it. Where would a new baby sleep?

LimpBiskit · 17/10/2022 17:26

Completely your call but if I had your set of circumstances, I'd not want another child. I'd be enjoying the family I'd already got without the added pressure of another child.

ChagSameachDoreen · 17/10/2022 17:39

YABVU.

Popgoestheweaselagain · 17/10/2022 17:48

If your partner was also disappointed, I think that makes all the difference. Maybe you should talk to him about it and see how he really feels? If you both want to go for it and think you can make it work, that's what matters. I know couples who had another child for exactly this reason - they miscarried an unplanned and were so disappointed that tried again.

I would really like to have another, but my husband is sure he can't cope. If he felt we could make it work together, that would make all the difference for me.

Figgygal · 17/10/2022 17:57

God no
Bad idea for so many reasons
You have one together already put all the existing children first