Am I being unreasonable for wanting another child

[Wiluli]

I’m almost 40 , I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and one with my partner and my partner has a teen daughter that we love .
I love him to bits and we have a great relationship been together 3 years . One of my oldest daughters has severe autism so she will always be in my care. prior to being with my current partner I was single for a long time , I always been in charge of rent my home ,car etc , I paid and pay my own bills my whole life .
Anyway my youngest is now 1 year old , I’m hitting my 40s and I feel like I found the love of my life so late that certain options where taken from us .
I had a pregnancy scare , I thought I was pregnant as I’m late 3 days ( I’m never late ) but the test was negative .
I feel both of us should be relieved , home is to small to add another kid ( only have 3ans half bedrooms ) and we rent so would mean a move , I just got a big promotion , I have enough on my plate , we are old etc etc etc , all the logical reasons !
But as soon as I his face I could see the disappointment and to be honest I was too .
Am I being completely irrational for wanting another child ?
I wish I had more time to decide but I know I won’t die to my age .

I am going to go against the grain many on this thread and say go for it. My oldest also has autism and at the age of 42 ive just had another baby. We are financially stable and have more free time than we did previously. If you are confident within your own strength to cope then go for it

I'm not seeing anything in your post that makes another child look completely nuts. If you and your partner want another you will make it work for your family. Renting is hardly a reason to not have children.

On a personal level I was really broody between the ages of 38 - 42. After which the desire started to fade away. By 46 I was positively rejoicing I hadn't done it and now shudder at the thought of parental responsibility again. 😁

Thanks for not being unkind in any way . Yes that’s the main reason I’m in doubt , although obviously I’m already an older mum with a 5 year old and a 1 year old . The plan was always to reduce work or stop in 10 years time ( hence me mentioning the building a home without a mortgage ) I can’t get higher in my profession unless I take in a lot more responsibilities and I have decided although the wages would increase a lot , it’s not something I would ever do at my age and because I would spend to long away from the children . Although I value my profession , my family was and always will be my main priority . It’s hard as I’m sure I would have had more of I was 5 years younger , as would my partner .if only we would have rekindled our relationship early :-)

I say go for it but decide soon I was menopausal at 43.

You're financially stable have a big enough house and are with someone you love. Don't hold back!

You obviously want another baby. Your husband wants one. You can afford it.

Do it.

So a financia reason is not really existent......well it might be if you wanted to take early retirement and your youngest kids need supporting through university!
You also need to bear in mind the increased risks of pregnancy complications, chromosomal disorders and multiple births in older mothers. Could you cope with twins or another disabled child?

@emmathedilemma OP can never retire seen as they’re renting! Despite having money to build, allegedly. It’s a ridiculous situation to bring a baby into.

@DiaryofWimpyMumm a 3 bed house is big enough for 7 people? Really?

I think your mistake was starting a thread to ask.

Posters on MN only like people to have babies in a very small set of circumstances. Basically 30-37, very very good position financially and at work, no other children with additional needs or one child with no additional needs, mortgage, relationship very perfect.

@Wiluli
Thank you for your kind words.
Also - (I can see how this is totally getting on your nerves!) two of mine are ASD too & if I could wish them to be NT, I wouldn't! They are perfect just as they are. You & your DH do what makes you happy.
As I mentioned, I was 45 when I had my last baby, but I could have actually fallen under a bus straight after that! You can't live your life on 'what-if's'. :-)

It’s a 4 bed as I said , my step son only comes to stay on holidays and he is 17 so hardly needs his own room although as I repeatedly said he has the cinema room / bar that is basically a anexe to the house where the garage was . So worse comes to worse I would have 2 toddlers sharing until we build . Is that so horrendous ? Enough for your barrage of abuse ? I by would I lie about anything ? Goodness me !

This actually made me chuckle . I guess you are right . It’s funny people are so judgmental as barely anyone has children under the conditions above

This isn’t really something you can expect to get a helpful answer about from strangers on the internet. Especially at the moment, when everyone is in a negative mindset.

Does your oldest dd not live in a specialist provision? (I have a dd with high care needs who does).

No she is home , very happy with us and will always be with us . I do have a will and provision for her care if needed in the future .

@Wiluli oh my goodness op, the replies here are beyond hilarious! You post a very reasonable normal question and some utter morons have you written off as a fantasist in poverty 🤣 honestly I have no idea wtf is wrong with Mumsnet some times.

Anyway, HAVE ANOTHER BABY! You can afford it, you have a home full of love, why not? I think the negative posters here are just Pearl clutching envious nobody’s who love having a bit of a holier than thou attitude on anonymous forums!

Oh, ok - it’s lovely that she’s been able to stay at home :) I wish my daughter had but unfortunately, we weren’t able to meet her needs as time went on. Every situation is different.

I think if you want to have another baby then why not? It sounds as if you can afford it.

I’m actually still laughing reading some responses here, what is wrong with people! You could post “I live in a 2 bed semi, I have one cat and thinking of getting another, should I? And the replies would start off

“Well you’re obviously wanting to breed cats, I think it’s terrible you would even ask. Frankly you need to give your head a wobble, do you really want to be a benefits cheat? You don’t mention your husband so he’s an abuser you need to LTB”

Are you at high risk to have another child who could never live independently?

How do you WFH and look after a baby?

I'm not envious, thanks.

We are a small island which is desperately over populated and the natural environment is being destroyed to build yet more homes for our growing population. There are too many people.

OP will have another baby, or not, as she prefers; nothing I say will have any influence, but the damage we are doing to the planet is horrific and can't be ignored forever.

@Wiluli yeah op! How are you going to cope with disabled twins and put all 5 through Oxbridge! LTB

This thread is peak Mumsnet 🤣

Do you live off grid in a self sufficient eco hut? Do you charge your Tesla with solar panels you made out of twigs and leaves you foraged on your well-being retreat?

I do hope the phone / laptop you are messaging off was charged with a manual wind up charger you power by hand, and of course didn’t use ANY plastics, oils or cheap labour to produce. 😉

Yes you need to explain how you will work AND look after a baby, it’s never been done in human history.

Agreed, Terfqueen. OP should go for the baby. She and her husband both want the baby. People have raised babies in worse circumstances who turned out lovely. Have that baby and ignore the neo-Malthusians. Go check a world map, the 'overpopulation' people are living in the 70s. The only way most developed countries, including the UK, add population now is via immigration! The fertility rate is far below replacement: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Total_fertility_rate#/media/File:Total_Fertility_Rate_Map_by_Country.svg

Childcare normally goes with working, OP says she doesn't use much nursery @TerfQueen. When DS was a baby my work contract said I needed to have childcare in place if I wanted to WFH

Maybe she would…. Use more childcare? Oh sorry I forgot she’s on the breadline, she can only retire at 50 and build her own home, what a povvo