Am I being unreasonable for wanting another child

[Wiluli]

I’m almost 40 , I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and one with my partner and my partner has a teen daughter that we love .
I love him to bits and we have a great relationship been together 3 years . One of my oldest daughters has severe autism so she will always be in my care. prior to being with my current partner I was single for a long time , I always been in charge of rent my home ,car etc , I paid and pay my own bills my whole life .
Anyway my youngest is now 1 year old , I’m hitting my 40s and I feel like I found the love of my life so late that certain options where taken from us .
I had a pregnancy scare , I thought I was pregnant as I’m late 3 days ( I’m never late ) but the test was negative .
I feel both of us should be relieved , home is to small to add another kid ( only have 3ans half bedrooms ) and we rent so would mean a move , I just got a big promotion , I have enough on my plate , we are old etc etc etc , all the logical reasons !
But as soon as I his face I could see the disappointment and to be honest I was too .
Am I being completely irrational for wanting another child ?
I wish I had more time to decide but I know I won’t die to my age .

Oooh careful everyone, the grammar police are on patrol and taking prisoners! 👮🏻‍♂️ 🚓 nee noor nee noor

Think about your existing children. I truly can't understand this need to add more children to an already stretched household.

Yes! Definitely this. However much you want one you must be in your 30s, lots of money, great relationship with a man who has pre agreed to do 50% of childcare and housework, no more then one existing NT child. I’ve even seen threads where people apparently have to have a certain personality to have children..! And on mumsnet people seem to be aware they
might “regret” having a child…IRL I know no one who has regretted their baby tbh, whatever the circumstances.

Too many people are quick to jump to the conclusion that everyone is living on the breadline because they find themselves in that situation; you have made it very clear that is the case for you. DH and I have three children, we live in a 5 bed house and I drive a 9 seat transporter, so plenty of room for ‘just one more’; we always fancied it but it just didn’t happen by the time I was 40 and that was always my limit. I was recently 41 and we now have a 5, 6 & 9 year old, they’re a handful and great fun in equal measure but that wanting feeling hasn’t faded, nor the feeling of ‘what if?’. If you and your DP are both on the same page, I’d say go for it!

2girlsonemum · Today 00:38
Too many people are quick to jump to the conclusion that everyone is living on the breadline because they find themselves in that situation; you have made it very clear that is NOT the case for you. DH and I have three children, we live in a 5 bed house and I drive a 9 seat transporter, so plenty of room for ‘just one more’; we always fancied it but it just didn’t happen by the time I was 40 and that was always my limit. I was recently 41 and we now have a 5, 6 & 9 year old, they’re a handful and great fun in equal measure but that wanting feeling hasn’t faded, nor the feeling of ‘what if?’. If you and your DP are both on the same page, I’d say go for it!

I've only read some of the responses to your post and I don't understand why they are so overwhelmingly negative!

I have 3 children, and would have loved to have had more, but I knew we couldn't afford it. I only came to motherhood in my mid 30s but I really embraced having babies once I started!

If you have the means to rear another child, and your existing children aren't going to suffer a detriment, then I don't know why you are even asking the question on Mumsnet?

I completely understand your desire to have another child. I only have two DC - twins - and it took a lot to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to have another. I did consider it up until the age of 42-ish but it wouldn't have been the right decision, no matter how hard that was for me to accept.

It's very easy to encourage you to go for it. You're not really that old in the grand scheme of biology.

However, a PP - apologies, I've forgotten your name! - mentioned the worse case scenario thought process and that's a really good approach.

With that in mind, what if your baby is autistic? And has high needs like your eldest DD - could you cope with three young children, all close in age, an older, autistic DD with high care needs - plus a F/T job AND you're planning to build your own house.....which will be stressful as hell no matter how organised you are.

Could you cope with all of that? Could your relationship cope with all of that? Would you be depriving your existing DC of the time that you give them now? Bear in mind that a 1yr old doesn't need anywhere near the level of input that a toddler, pre-schooler etc does?

And I'm sorry for sounding negative. I don't mean to be. I read your post and my heart immediately squealed yes! Another baby! I'm just trying to think through the toughest scenarios so you can ask yourself the hard questions.

For reference, both my DC are autistic, and DS has high needs too - he'll be at home for life. I'm also autistic/ADHD myself. My questions about considering neurodiversity aren't intended to be derogatory but just a question about whether you have the capacity to support more than one neurodiverse child (as there's a higher risk with a) an older birth mother and b) where there are other autistic family members). Just something else to throw into the mix to consider.

My DC absolutely rock. They are both wonderful people and I wouldn't change a thing about them. But my son's needs are the reason we didn't go ahead and have another baby. I realised that I couldn't give a baby and DS the full attention they both deserved, let alone DD too. And DP and I had the conversation too about another child being autistic - not that there's anything wrong with being autistic, but as we know, it often means greater care needs/greater support. It nearly broke my heart to make the decision but a few years on I feel totally OK with it now, and I know I did the right thing.

You never know, maybe the universe will take it out of your hands and you'll have a genuine accident and fall pregnant! :)

This thread has made me laugh so much. Someone asks, really reasonably, if they should have another baby and basically they are financially destitute because they rent, going to have twins with special needs if they do get pregnant again and (my personal favourite) single handedly responsible for global warming because they want to build a house!!!! Fml! So many people on here need to give their negative heads a wobble! OP ignore the negativity because it’s from a lot of unhappy bitter people who take their frustrations out on anyone who appears happy! Someone once said to me if you’re considering another you should because you’ll never regret having a child but may regret not doing! It stuck with me and sadly for me having another hasn’t been easy (I’ve not given up) go for it and I really hope it happens for you xx

Given the age gap, in some ways it might be easier to have another child now so that you have a pair to grow up together. It sounds like some of your older kids will soon be out of house given they are teens so having a sibling for your one year old could be a great asset to your family. You are going to be doing child care all along given your daughter with autism needs the care and you already have a 1 year old so you are already committed to raising kids for another 18 years. I say go for it!

If you & your partner both want another baby & you feel able to cope you should go ahead. I’m quite frankly shocked at some of the comments on here; not just negative but downright nasty.

How come your partner's child was a daughter in the first post and then became a son?

You obviously have far more energy than me. However, a build will be time consuming. Do you know what it entails? I’ll tell you the sort of things in case you don’t. You’ll have to meet with an architect a few times to approve, there will be paperwork. Find and interview builders, go on site regularly, once a week minimum otherwise they builders will likely do something you didn’t realise they’d do and it doesn’t fit with your idea. In between you’ll need to be available for discussions and quick decisions so as not to stop work.

You’ll have to decide the layout of your bathrooms, utility and kitchen, placement of light fittings, sockets, radiators, water inlets for the kitchen and bathrooms, inlets for the extractor oven and hob, even the placement of an outside tap etc. This means you need to know the configuration of the rooms quite early on as this is all first fix.

Don’t underestimate the amount of time to get to grips with this and pick everything you need, sometimes at very short notice. Bathrooms and kitchen from design to door handles, taps and appliances, outside and internal doors, windows, staircase, floor coverings, radiator style and so forth. Basic things like which walls are you going to put TVs on take brain space.

Idk how much you could tag team this all with your dh and how much you’d both want to be involved or if you’d be happy to delegate to the other but adding another child into the mix and wanting to undertake this type of project would be my idea of hell.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, but I had my last baby (of four) at 42 with my DH who had no children. I married him for life, naively. He left, which absolutely blindsided me. Now I have a two year old who doesn’t sleep, three other children (one with ASD), work every hour I can to make ends meet…and my DH doesn’t see his child nor contribute. I could never have seen this coming. I’m not saying you are remotely in my position, but you don’t know what the future holds. I love my child dearly but this isn’t the life I signed up for, which is my fault and my responsibility.

I don't understand all the accusations of posters being a list. If you trully believe your dauther's autism is not a consideration, doesn't impact other kids why did you specifically mention it?
Parking that aside.. It is humanly impossible to have a job, no childcare, 1yo,5yo, young adult you care for plus step child and insist they all get enough individual attention. If you want to add a newborn on top of it it is your prerogative, but be honest and realistic that all your existing children will be impacted.

Sounds awful for you. Have you tried CMS?

A lot of women I know including my mother and sister had a violent urge for another child in their 40s. I think its the body's last hurrah before menopause.
They were all relieved they didn't give in to this hormonal surge when they hit the menopause with the exception of my sister who had one and now regrets it extremely and says she doesn't know what she was thinking.
She wasn't thinking. It was her dying ovaries siren call.
Think about what it will be like having a small child when you turn into a sweaty Godzilla in the menopause in a few years time and don't do it.

Yes, I’m going through that process now. Rather they deal with him than I!

I had my kids late. Ds at 38 and Dd at 40. I totally wouldn't listen to this lot. People speaking about your finances because you rent. Only in this country is this a bad thing!! If you think this is what you both want to do I'd say go for it. I see absolutely no reason why you shouldn't try. Good luck 👍

im well aware it happens as I deal with divorces daily . I’m the biggest earner in the relationship to be fair so if he ever leaves I will be broken hearted but financially ok . I’m truly sorry this happened to you

I'd be concerned about my energy levels and health for a fifth child at 40. Five kids is also expensive to provide for especially if they go to university.

If you feel confident about these things and want another baby then that's all that matters OP and I wish you well.

I second this opinion. Rational thought over hormonal feelings OP.

It’s log cabin , pre build , I will still need to supervise but the hardest part is now pre plan . Once foundation is on and we decide on what we want to connect grid wise ( we are outing in a plan for a small wind turbine and if it’s approved we won’t be connecting to main electricity) this has been the main change from the original planning as requires room inside for batteries and obviously the water panning itself , water was always going to be a borehole and sanitation septic tank anyway as it’s fairly isolated . Once the ground work is done the building itself is 2 months .
make no mistake I still think it can be chaos but fairly faster chaos than a traditional build .

Everything we do as a family impacts our children , even where I choose to go on holiday or what I do for dinner . Of course a baby has a huge impact. I just do not believe it only impacts negatively.

If you can afford to have another child and you both want one then why not. I had my last child at 40 and I'm 54 now (and menopausal!) - he keeps me young if anything rather than being a strain. Yes I'm more tired than I was when my eldest was his age (she's 27) but I'm also wiser and more patient and have the experience of parenting two older children. Until I had him, even though I was happy with my two children, I didn't quite feel my family was 'complete'. When he came along I knew he was the last one and I was happy with that, it felt right. I also feel with children they bring as much (if not more) to your lives as they take and so it's not like sharing out a pie, they each come with their own pie :) So if money is not a problem then why not have a bigger family, more love to go around.

It was always a son sorry I just realised where I did the mistake . It’s me too how has daughters