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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable for wanting another child

169 replies

Wiluli · 16/10/2022 18:13

I’m almost 40 , I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and one with my partner and my partner has a teen daughter that we love .
I love him to bits and we have a great relationship been together 3 years . One of my oldest daughters has severe autism so she will always be in my care. prior to being with my current partner I was single for a long time , I always been in charge of rent my home ,car etc , I paid and pay my own bills my whole life .
Anyway my youngest is now 1 year old , I’m hitting my 40s and I feel like I found the love of my life so late that certain options where taken from us .
I had a pregnancy scare , I thought I was pregnant as I’m late 3 days ( I’m never late ) but the test was negative .
I feel both of us should be relieved , home is to small to add another kid ( only have 3ans half bedrooms ) and we rent so would mean a move , I just got a big promotion , I have enough on my plate , we are old etc etc etc , all the logical reasons !
But as soon as I his face I could see the disappointment and to be honest I was too .
Am I being completely irrational for wanting another child ?
I wish I had more time to decide but I know I won’t die to my age .

OP posts:
NCHammer2022 · 22/10/2022 09:37

You’re not irrational for wanting another, but you’d be unreasonable if you put that want ahead of the well-being of the children you already have.

Annoyingkidsmusic · 22/10/2022 09:38

You’ve only been together for 3 years. You are still in the honeymoon stage.
At 40+ can you cope with 2 under the age of 3? I wouldn’t have the energy personally.

RandomMusings7 · 22/10/2022 09:42

Annoyingkidsmusic · 22/10/2022 09:38

You’ve only been together for 3 years. You are still in the honeymoon stage.
At 40+ can you cope with 2 under the age of 3? I wouldn’t have the energy personally.

To add to this... you've been together 3 years and already have a one year old, so the pregnancy must have happened a little over a year in. You moved awfully fast in blending families with children on either side.

Are you sure you want to rush into another major decision?

How much of your desire for another is simply a hormonal surge before menopause?

Original poster
Wiluli · 22/10/2022 09:50

SpidersAreShitheads · 22/10/2022 04:23

I completely understand your desire to have another child. I only have two DC - twins - and it took a lot to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to have another. I did consider it up until the age of 42-ish but it wouldn't have been the right decision, no matter how hard that was for me to accept.

It's very easy to encourage you to go for it. You're not really that old in the grand scheme of biology.

However, a PP - apologies, I've forgotten your name! - mentioned the worse case scenario thought process and that's a really good approach.

With that in mind, what if your baby is autistic? And has high needs like your eldest DD - could you cope with three young children, all close in age, an older, autistic DD with high care needs - plus a F/T job AND you're planning to build your own house.....which will be stressful as hell no matter how organised you are.

Could you cope with all of that? Could your relationship cope with all of that? Would you be depriving your existing DC of the time that you give them now? Bear in mind that a 1yr old doesn't need anywhere near the level of input that a toddler, pre-schooler etc does?

And I'm sorry for sounding negative. I don't mean to be. I read your post and my heart immediately squealed yes! Another baby! I'm just trying to think through the toughest scenarios so you can ask yourself the hard questions.

For reference, both my DC are autistic, and DS has high needs too - he'll be at home for life. I'm also autistic/ADHD myself. My questions about considering neurodiversity aren't intended to be derogatory but just a question about whether you have the capacity to support more than one neurodiverse child (as there's a higher risk with a) an older birth mother and b) where there are other autistic family members). Just something else to throw into the mix to consider.

My DC absolutely rock. They are both wonderful people and I wouldn't change a thing about them. But my son's needs are the reason we didn't go ahead and have another baby. I realised that I couldn't give a baby and DS the full attention they both deserved, let alone DD too. And DP and I had the conversation too about another child being autistic - not that there's anything wrong with being autistic, but as we know, it often means greater care needs/greater support. It nearly broke my heart to make the decision but a few years on I feel totally OK with it now, and I know I did the right thing.

You never know, maybe the universe will take it out of your hands and you'll have a genuine accident and fall pregnant! :)

Took me 15 years from go to autistic DD to the next child for the same reasons as you . Then when she came along I realised I was being silly , my oldest was amazing with her sibling , she absolutely adores both of her sisters and it benefited her so much socially , and in eyesight I should have had them slightly earlier . Of course I always consider the possibility of the baby having special needs , I think once you have a child with special needs that is always on the real possibility “box “ . Yes it would be a bit more challenging but by no means a reason for me not to have another .

OP posts:
Original poster
Wiluli · 22/10/2022 09:53

Peanutbuttercupisyum · 22/10/2022 00:22

Yes! Definitely this. However much you want one you must be in your 30s, lots of money, great relationship with a man who has pre agreed to do 50% of childcare and housework, no more then one existing NT child. I’ve even seen threads where people apparently have to have a certain personality to have children..! And on mumsnet people seem to be aware they
might “regret” having a child…IRL I know no one who has regretted their baby tbh, whatever the circumstances.

Show quote history

Lol yes the older mums that regretted a child seem to be known to everyone that posted on this thread . Just like you I’m yet to meet a mum who regretted her children . Maybe we have the wrong
kind of friends lol 😝

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 22/10/2022 09:56

How many people in RL would say they regret their children. Much easier to say on an anonymous forum

Original poster
Wiluli · 22/10/2022 09:57

user1471267414 · 22/10/2022 05:51

This thread has made me laugh so much. Someone asks, really reasonably, if they should have another baby and basically they are financially destitute because they rent, going to have twins with special needs if they do get pregnant again and (my personal favourite) single handedly responsible for global warming because they want to build a house!!!! Fml! So many people on here need to give their negative heads a wobble! OP ignore the negativity because it’s from a lot of unhappy bitter people who take their frustrations out on anyone who appears happy! Someone once said to me if you’re considering another you should because you’ll never regret having a child but may regret not doing! It stuck with me and sadly for me having another hasn’t been easy (I’ve not given up) go for it and I really hope it happens for you xx

I came to check on this thread and your reply really made me lol . The global warming one is actually a great one .
im a fully very aware of the environmental impact which is the reason the house planning is taking longer , we decided to go for renewables and being off grid so planning is taking longer .

OP posts:
RandomMusings7 · 22/10/2022 09:57

You don't know anyone who admits they regret their children. Because it's taboo. Doesnt mean it doesn't happen all the time, as countless anonymous confessions on this board prove. We also have stats about google searches for terms related to regretting parenthood and they paint a grim picture.

SpidersAreShitheads · 22/10/2022 10:01

Wiluli · 22/10/2022 09:50

Took me 15 years from go to autistic DD to the next child for the same reasons as you . Then when she came along I realised I was being silly , my oldest was amazing with her sibling , she absolutely adores both of her sisters and it benefited her so much socially , and in eyesight I should have had them slightly earlier . Of course I always consider the possibility of the baby having special needs , I think once you have a child with special needs that is always on the real possibility “box “ . Yes it would be a bit more challenging but by no means a reason for me not to have another .

Show quote history

That's fair enough, it was just an angle worth mentioning. I think autism is such an individual thing in how it manifests, there's no single "right" answer.

What brought it home for me was holding a friend's baby. I had her in my arms and it was wonderful but my DS was across the room and I had the sudden realisation that if I needed to get to him to intervene quickly - as is sometimes the case - I couldn't do that with a baby in my arms. I felt so conflicted and torn while I was holding the lovely little baby - and in that moment, I realised.

My DC are only 12 yrs old now, and they were probably about 8 yrs old at that moment. Obviously things have moved on but even though my ovaries are now too old and knackered to co-operate even if I wanted to have another baby, my DS still frequently needs rapid interventions. That's what did it for me. It would never be about whether my DC could cope - it's the fact that I sometimes need to act very quickly and that's just not feasible with a little baby.

Sounds like your DC and their needs might be different, which obviously helps.

DorritLittle · 22/10/2022 10:03

Go for it OP, you obviously want to. But I am not sure why you posted if you didn't want other opinions!

justwondering123456 · 22/10/2022 10:27

If you want a baby, go for it.

You don't need mumsnet's permission for it.

I will be 36 in February next year and I have a 26 month old and an 8 month old.

We will be trying for no 3 in a couple of months time.

It might not happen for us, but we will try.

Best of luck to you, OP ❤️ Only you know yourself and your life and if you could cope with it.

BeanieTeen · 22/10/2022 11:34

Just like you I’m yet to meet a mum who regretted her children . Maybe we have the wrong kind of friends lol 😝

Because regretting your kids is wrong? I think for many it’s a feeling that can’t be helped - and with that kind of judgement it’s no surprise few would ever admit to it.
Pride comes before the fall. Here’s hoping you don’t have to eat those judgemental words one day.
Do as you will OP - pretty pointless post since you were clearly only looking for the answer you wanted to hear.

Original poster
Wiluli · 22/10/2022 11:59

DorritLittle · 22/10/2022 10:03

Go for it OP, you obviously want to. But I am not sure why you posted if you didn't want other opinions!

I wanted opinions , I just did not want hate

OP posts:
Original poster
Wiluli · 22/10/2022 12:01

BeanieTeen · 22/10/2022 11:34

Just like you I’m yet to meet a mum who regretted her children . Maybe we have the wrong kind of friends lol 😝

Because regretting your kids is wrong? I think for many it’s a feeling that can’t be helped - and with that kind of judgement it’s no surprise few would ever admit to it.
Pride comes before the fall. Here’s hoping you don’t have to eat those judgemental words one day.
Do as you will OP - pretty pointless post since you were clearly only looking for the answer you wanted to hear.

No judgment at all but I do find it hard to believe it happens often . My children are my everything , so yes I admit it’s hard to imagine that others are not as wanted and /or loved .

OP posts:
ginexplorer · 22/10/2022 12:08

@Wiluli ”I feel both of us should be relieved , home is to small to add another kid ( only have 3ans half bedrooms ) and we rent so would mean a move , I just got a big promotion , I have enough on my plate , we are old etc etc etc , all the logical reasons !”

so I don’t understand why you have even posted or what you are looking for from others?. You have stated in your post you home is too small and you would have to move, and you have enough on your plate etc When others have agreed with the logical practical reasons you stated you then get defensive and give reasons why you don’t have too much on your plate. Eg you have enough money, you can build your own house, survive on your own, you give enough attention to existing children. Your post gave me the impression as did many others initially you were hard up with a lot going on with you existing family and kids.

so have you answered your own question?
or were you looking from Mumsnet to all just agree with you and forget the logic and instead just go ahead and have a baby as your feelings are more important than everything else?

you say you give your existing family plenty of attention - will you still be able to do that with a new baby and a toddler?

it sounds to me like you have met the love of your life and wish you’d had the full children experience with him and want to create this now as a last chance. Is that the case do you think?

Irs great you have had a promotion at work, stable job and feel financially secure. Building your own home whilst an exciting thought however is not exactly a walk in the park knowing a few people that have done it. So basically it’s not going to be easy.

So really I’d consider the risks of things like ill health - if one of you got sick, longer term retirement and what you would be giving up pension wise to afford another baby. Costs of uni, childcare, new car if not enough space now. I don’t know the needs of your eldest daughter - or whether she maybe impacted as it goes without saying your time will be spread more thinly with another child. If you truly feel you can give a good nurturing quality of life to all children and maintain your own (sanity?) then by all means just do it. If you can’t then don’t!

It’s a conversation you need to be having with your partner.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 22/10/2022 12:27

If you both want another (you say you do), you can afford another (you say you can) and logistically you can have another (bedrooms, childcare, work etc etc) then why not. Not sure why so many posters think it's a bad idea....

Original poster
Wiluli · 22/10/2022 13:28

ginexplorer · 22/10/2022 12:08

@Wiluli ”I feel both of us should be relieved , home is to small to add another kid ( only have 3ans half bedrooms ) and we rent so would mean a move , I just got a big promotion , I have enough on my plate , we are old etc etc etc , all the logical reasons !”

so I don’t understand why you have even posted or what you are looking for from others?. You have stated in your post you home is too small and you would have to move, and you have enough on your plate etc When others have agreed with the logical practical reasons you stated you then get defensive and give reasons why you don’t have too much on your plate. Eg you have enough money, you can build your own house, survive on your own, you give enough attention to existing children. Your post gave me the impression as did many others initially you were hard up with a lot going on with you existing family and kids.

so have you answered your own question?
or were you looking from Mumsnet to all just agree with you and forget the logic and instead just go ahead and have a baby as your feelings are more important than everything else?

you say you give your existing family plenty of attention - will you still be able to do that with a new baby and a toddler?

it sounds to me like you have met the love of your life and wish you’d had the full children experience with him and want to create this now as a last chance. Is that the case do you think?

Irs great you have had a promotion at work, stable job and feel financially secure. Building your own home whilst an exciting thought however is not exactly a walk in the park knowing a few people that have done it. So basically it’s not going to be easy.

So really I’d consider the risks of things like ill health - if one of you got sick, longer term retirement and what you would be giving up pension wise to afford another baby. Costs of uni, childcare, new car if not enough space now. I don’t know the needs of your eldest daughter - or whether she maybe impacted as it goes without saying your time will be spread more thinly with another child. If you truly feel you can give a good nurturing quality of life to all children and maintain your own (sanity?) then by all means just do it. If you can’t then don’t!

It’s a conversation you need to be having with your partner.

You are right , basically I would love to do all you mention the house built finished settle in the role ( although this is actually going better than expected so no longer a massive worry ) and ideally the baby to be 2 already . But at 40 I don’t think I can wait ? And yes I think I found the love of my life a bit to late , I so wish we were together sooner so we could both have more time to do all we are doing .

OP posts:
ginexplorer · 22/10/2022 14:11

@Wiluli I understand what you are saying.
i think you already know the answer. You really do want this child and because that longing is so strong it will overcome all the challenges.
If your partner truly feels the same way and you have some back up career wise/ financially if things did go pear shaped then just do it.

It’s an impossible question really for others to answer apart from just thinking of all the logical / practical stuff .

someone did mention the menopause and of course there is that to factor in - so you need to go into this with the possibility you will be more tired/ sweaty!/brain fog etc

There are obviously more risks of complications with a later pregnancy but that doesn’t usually stop people going by what my GP seems to come across. The average age in my area for mothers is 37-42!

You will always find success stories and negative stories. I find it helps the most in situations where you can’t predict the future to make your decision with the knowledge you have now and what you believe is right for you now. If things do go wrong I always say I can’t regret it because I made that decision at the time with the knowledge I had then and the best of intention. Plus if there was any regret at all - id rather regret having done something than having done nothing.

DorritLittle · 22/10/2022 14:30

Wiluli · 22/10/2022 11:59

I wanted opinions , I just did not want hate

Show quote history

I have mainly seen people agreeing with your initial reasons for not going for it, not hate.

I do get it, I wanted another child but didn't because I felt I was at capacity despite my longing for another. Many women feel like this. But only you know your situation and capacity to give your kids enough of your time etc. If you feel you can have another, then go for it, only your reasons matter if your DH is on board.

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