Am I being unreasonable for wanting another child

[Wiluli]

I’m almost 40 , I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and one with my partner and my partner has a teen daughter that we love .
I love him to bits and we have a great relationship been together 3 years . One of my oldest daughters has severe autism so she will always be in my care. prior to being with my current partner I was single for a long time , I always been in charge of rent my home ,car etc , I paid and pay my own bills my whole life .
Anyway my youngest is now 1 year old , I’m hitting my 40s and I feel like I found the love of my life so late that certain options where taken from us .
I had a pregnancy scare , I thought I was pregnant as I’m late 3 days ( I’m never late ) but the test was negative .
I feel both of us should be relieved , home is to small to add another kid ( only have 3ans half bedrooms ) and we rent so would mean a move , I just got a big promotion , I have enough on my plate , we are old etc etc etc , all the logical reasons !
But as soon as I his face I could see the disappointment and to be honest I was too .
Am I being completely irrational for wanting another child ?
I wish I had more time to decide but I know I won’t die to my age .

@Realityloom no didn't miss it. Plenty of people have at least a 2 year age gap between their kids! I am pretty sure she is aware of that too.

Yes they do. But OP circumstances are not what you are describing though. Not arguing with you it's not fair on her other kids and she has one with additional needs. The youngest is only 1 and she doesn't know what the future holds. What about the eldest child also? Each to their own and all that.

Thank you all . I guess the one thing I’ve learned is people seem to really dislike large families and to think children suffer with each sibling . Maybe because I only had 1 sibling and think I would have loved more , I can’t quite grasp why would be unfair on the siblings to have a brother or sister ? It’s not like they would loose anything . I respect everyone’s opinions ( apart from the person who constantly attacked me and called me a liar ) but I do wonder why people feel siblings loose by having other siblings ? Is it attention people worry or materialistic reasons ?

Well, they’ll lose space, time and money being spent on them. And frankly, just because you as a child idly considered having another sibling would have been nice doesn’t mean any of your children feel the same.

Ultimately, you’re trying to justify something you can’t - because having kids is the ultimate in selfish endeavours. I don’t mean that in a mean way, just that the only reason people have children is because they want to. There’s nothing wrong with that, but you have to accept that other people are not going to agree with your choices. Especially when you already have a large family.

Quite a few people on MN post how they didn’t like being part of a large family. Not all children like a busy noisy environment, some like their own space. Having more and more siblings added to the mix is not always a blessing to some.

Completely ridiculous! Nothing wrong with having a larger family nor does it make her selfish for wanting one 🙄

Why do people feel the need to procreate in every relationship they have? You have 4 children between you already it's enough.

I guess the one thing I’ve learned is people seem to really dislike large families and to think children suffer with each sibling . Maybe because I only had 1 sibling and think I would have loved more , I can’t quite grasp why would be unfair on the siblings to have a brother or sister ?

Not always, for sure. But often there is suffering. People who work with children from large families - teachers, social workers for example - have a lot of experience with this. You seem very naive in thinking children lose nothing - money and time is not infinite for anyone, and for many children another sibling means less time from parents, less care, less help with homework, less emotional support, less toys, less clothes, less experiences and sadly more responsibility as they help to look after younger siblings. You might be fine OP, that’s for you to decide - but your reasons for wanting another child really don’t sound rational or sensible, you sound like an immature girl who wants to cement her relationship with a baby but you are nearing forty and should know better quite frankly. There is good reason why people aren’t encouraging you to go for it.

I'm a bit surprised by that too. I had an accidental sibling and thought it was the best thing ever. Only my parents worried we would suffer. Mind you, I never missed out on school trips or anything really important. There was still money for music lessons. I didn't have loads of stuff or new clothes or expensive holidays, but it never occurred to me that my sibling was depriving me if that- we didn't have it because we didn't need it. Many of my friends were much worse off than me and had to share rooms with siblings, but I'm not sure I would define that as suffering.

You can’t of read my posts properly; I pointed out I have 4 children. I have absolutely nothing against large families and am from one myself; I have 3 siblings and a foster sibling and absolutely adore being part of a big family. I just pointed out that I personally don’t feel your circumstances are ideal for having another child.

Regards your last post, I'm 1 of 4 and I love my siblings BUT growing up my parents just couldn't give me the attention I wanted (deserved). It's naive to think that adding an extra person to a household won't take anything away from existing children. It takes away physical space, it takes away time and attention, it takes away money.

I have spoken to others from similar size families and most have felt the same as me. It's no issue as an adult, but as a child (when you need attention the most) parents were just too stretched. Since I can remember I've always said i’d never have more than 2 for that reason. I have definitely wanted more (especially approaching 40!) but giving the 2 I have as much as attention as I can manage trumps that desire every time.

Thank you all . I guess the one thing I’ve learned is people seem to really dislike large families and to think children suffer with each sibling
I think it's because there are so many threads by women with disabled children or who have three kids or more who post about difficult situations they find themselves in when at the time of conception, everything was fine.

Be it a change in finances, housing, relationship, family or health and don't accept that part of the reason they are in a mess is the decision they made at the time.

At 40, I felt I could cope with 3 more children, 5 years later and in the mist of a very bad premenopause, I struggle to cope with my life with my two older children and thanked destiny that I hadn't had another. Things can change very quickly and sometimes accepting how fortunate we already are is the best move forward for all.

You are bonkers tbh op. Don't do it.

OP shouldn’t have a baby because she rents?! Am I actually reading this right? Should we just sterilise everyone below a certain income bracket and get it over with then?

OP have a baby if you want one! I’m sure he or she would be wanted and loved, and I’m certainly sure they wouldn’t care if you owned your own house or not!

Genuine question- what do you think another child will give you that you don't already get from your current dc? 4 children between you two to support is a lot. Your children have siblings, you have a dc with your current partner, you have a busy life, why do you want to add to that? I'd enjoy the children you have.

@Univalve no, you’re not reading it right.

oh please !! Sound like a child ? I already have a child with my current partner , even if I had none I would not need to cement anything . I’ve been a single mum for 14 years prior to this relationship , I do not need children to cement a relationship , why would I ? If anything children put strain on relationships not the opposite . And honestly you are being plain rude ! I questioned why people have an issue with big families , that was a simple question .

Why does anyone have siblings then, shouldn’t we all just have one or 2 children, tops ? Because I would like the youngest ones to have closer siblings in age . I see the benefits the 5 year old has from the 1 year old and I believe another child would be as beneficial. Not the single reason of course . I have more time now , that I did nit until this last baby too so that is something I’m taking in account too

If you had another baby now, you’d have a 6 and 2 year old plus baby, is that right?

That’s similar to age gaps I have and 2 young ones plus baby is HARD. 3 growing up with those age gals is really hard.
I’d completely underestimated what adding one more would mean in terms of time, balancing everyone’s needs etc.

I’m not saying don’t do it, only you know what’s right for you. Just don’t underestimate how difficult it can be emotionally having 3 young ones. The constant demands can be relentless, managing giving them all enough quality time plus time for yourself so you aren’t burnt out is so much harder than I’d ever anticipated.
Plus financially, I know you are not struggling in this area and fortunately we don’t either but the cost of one more in terms of holidays, days out, meals out is noticeable, especially as they get older. The cost of their activities etc is also very noticeable with one more.

I definitely do not want any more but I’ve felt very upset when had a scare/negative pregnancy test. I do think how lovely another baby would be, wouldn’t it be amazing for them to have another sibling. I think that is a normal biological feeling when we get into our 40’s. It’s about separating what that biological pull of ‘one more baby’ is and what you actually want and could give practically to another child.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

That's the issue, isn't it - whether you can cope with the emotional/financial demands. I think the posters suggesting that having another sibling is only going to have a bad effect on the others are exaggerating. It rather depends on how they get on - which you can't predict. My unexpected sibling is now my children's favourite uncle, but it was difficult for my mum, and holidays were definitely a problem. I don't remember going out for meals very much anymore, as one more makes a big difference. I'd really like to have another myself, but multiplying everything by three - school shoes, holidays, extra-curricular activities, all starts to add up. I don't think the kids themselves actually care or notice this that much themselves, but being able to nip into a cafe when you're feeling nackered makes everything easier. Money isn't everything, but it's pretty tressful not having it.

Thanks for your comment , I truly appreciate the insight . I’ve decided to give it a few months , let Christmas go by and go back to it if we still feel the same way . At the end of the day there is a real possibility it won’t happen anyway at my age so I don’t want to fixate on this . I will enjoy our current babies the next few months , we are starting to redesign the house plan and work etc so I can try and keep busy .

You’re only mistake was seeking any kind of advice that you expected to be balanced whilst including information about your disabled child. Mumsnet contains some of the most ableist ignorant unfortunates you will ever find.

This is a situation that calls for the “what would I regret?” Question.

Would you regret not trying?
or trying? Consider worst case scenarios all round. Trying and failing. Miscarriage. Loss. Etc.

Or school run at 45 - I do it. It’s grim 😂

My only regret is that I didn’t have another child. I didn’t have one, because my DH didn’t want any more. He had a vasectomy. Broke my heart tbh. Several years later, I needed a hysterectomy, and three months after that he left me for my friend. I’ll never forgive him for doing that, and I’ll always regret that I didn’t follow my heart and have that “other” baby.
I adore the children that I have, and it’s too late for me now, but I’d tell anyone not to wait until it’s too late. Of course having children should never be taken lightly, but you’re financially stable and you both want another child - go for it.

Please take these comments with a pinch of salt. Where will all these people be in 5 years?

They probably won't even remember commenting, but you may be longing for a baby, thinking I wish I hadn't listened to all those people on mums net....

I'm 40, and just had to have an abortion due to our current circumstances, and I'm desperate for another one. I HAD to be sensible as our circumstances at the time meant we couldn't.

But if you can afford it etc, and really want another one, go for it!

Best of luck to you whatever you decide, and remember its YOUR decision ❤️

You’re 40 and don’t know the grammatical difference between to and too. Please don't have more kids.