Am I being unreasonable for wanting another child

[Wiluli]

I’m almost 40 , I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and one with my partner and my partner has a teen daughter that we love .
I love him to bits and we have a great relationship been together 3 years . One of my oldest daughters has severe autism so she will always be in my care. prior to being with my current partner I was single for a long time , I always been in charge of rent my home ,car etc , I paid and pay my own bills my whole life .
Anyway my youngest is now 1 year old , I’m hitting my 40s and I feel like I found the love of my life so late that certain options where taken from us .
I had a pregnancy scare , I thought I was pregnant as I’m late 3 days ( I’m never late ) but the test was negative .
I feel both of us should be relieved , home is to small to add another kid ( only have 3ans half bedrooms ) and we rent so would mean a move , I just got a big promotion , I have enough on my plate , we are old etc etc etc , all the logical reasons !
But as soon as I his face I could see the disappointment and to be honest I was too .
Am I being completely irrational for wanting another child ?
I wish I had more time to decide but I know I won’t die to my age .

Maybe you should read you own post. You rent. Hardly financial stability for a 40 something family wanting another child.

Up to you! It sounds to me like your hearts are telling you to go for it? :-)
My last baby was born when I was 45. :-) Not a MOMENT'S regret.

I said 3 and half bedrooms , I will explain the whole top floor of the house are 2 double bedrooms with a bathroom at the end , so you must go through the first one to get to the second but still with a door completely separate large bedrooms . Then 2 other double bedrooms .
I rent because I moved country within the U.K. and didn’t want to buy yet , I can afford to build?, it’s been out on hold due to partner moving in 3 years ago and then covid .
And the teen is fine that way for now , it’s his choice ( the bar is locked I should add when he is here ) . The way you speak is if we live in deep poverty ! I said in my post I’ve always paid my own things even without my partner , so people could understand financially we are ok . We are not rich but money is not into consideration for this decision . And yes off course you are entitled to your opinion . But you are making it sound like I will somehow be taking from what our children physically need to have another and it’s not the case at all . I would never jeopardise the children we have .

Awww congratulations. How many other kids do you have , if it’s ok to ask ?

But before your partner moved in was when you only had 2 kids and before the cost of living crisis. So if you had a fourth and separated then it wouldn't be like it was before your partner moved in. You could potentially be looking at full-time childcare for two pre-schoolers - would you really be able to afford that?

@Wiluli I have seven in total!
(Kind of like Hob Nobs, once you have one, you just keep on..) ;-)
My last one was with my then new DH, we waited for him for four years. DH died when 'baby' was six, so I feel so blessed to watch him growing up & see his Daddy in him. :-)
Everyone was against me having a baby at my age, but some things are meant to be. Utterly blessed!
Good luck, whatever you decide - let us know! Hugs x

Yes I could , none of mine go to nursery full time as I work mostly from home . It’s exhausting but doable if I needed it , I had to do it with my now 5 year old . I also earned considerably less when I had 2 children ( 16 k a year less ) .

Obviously you shouldn't have another.

I don’t think you have the capacity for another child. It wouldn’t be fair to the kids you have.

Lots of people get these feelings at the end of their fertile life and after a pregnancy scare - it will pass. (Get a puppy.)

Few people could effectively parent 7 children though, unless they were literally spread across 30 years.

I’m not suggesting you can’t, but most people couldn’t.

@Luredbyapomegranate They were spread out, yes, I'd like to be superhuman but am sadly not! ;-) Did have twins though.. :-0

No way terrible idea. Enjoy your family

you're not unreasonable to want another, but do think about all the practical reasons you mentioned especially your older DD and her needs.

I'd just imagine that in 20 year's time (twins are more likely post 40) you could potentially have two teenagers and an adult child reliant on you at sixty. I'm 50 and shattered now parenting two teens who are pretty much physically independent.
You can make amazing plans for the not inconsiderable family you already have. Concentrate on giving them a wonderful present and future. Perhaps if you didn't share a child with your partner now or your partner didn't have children then fair enough but the risks are too high to jeopardise your family dynamic especially if your child isn't born healthy.

What does your partner want?

You and the partner you’re very happy with have a family of 4 already. Count your blessings. Another would be a bad idea.

Terrible idea. It's natural to feel disappointed when seeing a negative pregnancy test. I absolutely knew I didn't want a third child yet I still felt irrationally disappointed when I had a negative result following a pregnancy scare a few months ago.

it sounds like you're acutely aware of the ticking clock and your animal instincts are urging you to throw caution to the wind and keep repopulating the species! Don't do it. It's madness in your circumstances. There's four existing children to think about and also complex additional needs in the mix. I imagine things are already stretched for your DC in terms of time, attention, opportunities. Don't make life harder for them. Enough.

I’m so sorry for your loss . That must have been so hard . Thank you for your kind words .

My children get plenty of attention , including individual attention and a few holiday and days out a year . I’m always amazed on how ableist people can be ( even if unintentionally so please don’t be offended it’s not towards you only but for a few replies here ) as soon as someone mentions special needs . Just because one of my children has autism doesn’t mean life is horrendous or that others don’t get attention or that we don’t do lots of things due to it .People really need to get away from the preconceived idea that special needs mean less quality of life , just because she is different doesn’t mean anyone around her is suffering .

It's really up to you op, not a load of random people on here.

He wants another , we actually discussed it last night . He has put no pressure on me or is at all but he openly admits he would love another .

YABU. Without being patronising it sounds like, especially given your late period, you could be at the start of perimenopause. The sudden urge might be your hormones telling you the door is closing.

Think about and enjoy your current kids rather than squashing in another one. How would you deal with another very disabled child and/or twins? It wouldn't really be fair on your existing children or the planet for you to have more.

Honestly, it sounds like you've made your mind up anyway. What replies were you expecting?

Op l think the issue here is how will you be at 55 with a 14 year old, ?
Having had mine late and all was good, but now l have elderly parents one with dementia living with me, and two teenagers and the menopause to deal with...its a lot and l have had to make tough decisions re my career as there are only so many hours in the day. But mostly ones energy is much less than it was.
50 is NOT the new 40, you will feel much older, tireder than you can imagine, and l say this as someone without any major health issues.

look at what you may be like them not now....all this saying how great having an extra child is are not there yet......really think about it...

I haven’t at all but you are right I was not expecting the torrent of ableism and negativity .