Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

The only thing that could be seen as incorrect was not bringing a present. These days it's perfectly acceptable to put £5 in the card. Ignore the mum, she was just being rude

You did nothing wrong whatsoever, including not bringing a gift, you brought a card!
it’s only the parents that ever have an issue with that not the kids!
I have 5 children and over the years they’ve had friends turn up without gifts and we haven’t batted an eyelid because not everyone has £1 to spare!

Nothing you did was inappropriate. You took card, its more than some people do. You do NOT have to gift anyone. Its just nice for the child. Ask the delightful mother who pulled you like that does she have any education on Autism? As a SEN parent, i know exactly where you are coming from, I'm also on the spectrum and get overwhelmed with things like this. Don't beat yourself up, you done brilliantly x

Big hig to you (which you may not actually like!).
Sounds like you did great, kept an eye on your child and managed your own sensory needs.
And you didn't punch the woman giving you rather too much feedback!

The present, yes it's something we all do. The parents are paying for a party and giving your child a good time, the kid will love the load of presents that come from a party and if you host a party your kid will get a load of presents. Keep the pattern going! You don't know them well and they've given you and a child a way of getting more involved, if you play the game right!

While a gift is customary, it doesn't have to be much. I wouldn't take much notice if someone hadn't bought a gift either. The only thing that annoys me is people that can't give an answer to if they're coming or not. (The prize goes to no response, then family A bringing child B who you weren't expecting and having to wrangle and pay for an extra space on the spot)

The parent is absolutely rude in criticising you about the gift and any of the social elements.

DS is autistic. I asked him if he tells people and sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. I've said that if anyone takes issue with him for being autistic, it's a good asshole filter. He is who he is whether that diagnosis is openly known or not.

I don't think there was anything wrong at all. I invite my daughters friends to her party, as she likes them and wants to spend time having fun. If they fetch a gift... brilliant amd thank you. But if not, who cares! Kids just wanna run about and enjoy having friends to play. It's not all about gifts. But thats just me. I do however make sure we take gifts to partys but i understand amd appreciate not everyone can xxx

Important also autistic and although mine are now older totally get that bemusements at parties.

Your friend does not sound very friendly, some things are useful cues but criticising your outfit- unless you went dressed as a stripper or in a sweary top you’re OK there. Gifts are part of a transactional deal though: does not need to be anything much, A fun of play dough is enough at that age imo. Equally though if we did a whole class party and someone Disney give a gift I’d a) be unlikely to notice and b)assume they were struggling and just be glad they came. It’s considered manners to apologise though.

Small talk is something I have beyond zero skills at, usually ended up sat alone at parties tbh, Ivey learned I can be awkward to be around which has made me anxious and that has created a cycle so I gave up.

Mine always struggled with parties but wanted to go, and three of my four are autistic so that meant helicopter parenting was part of the deal. Not always but I had to keep an eye and anticipate and that eventually keeps you in a state of high alert.

Parenting is a learning curve and a few friendly pointers can be useful but if it descends to nit picking about your clothing then that’s gone way beyond friendship and into that danger zone many of us autistics find ourselves in, with false friends who are us as a chance to be critical or controlled to make themselves feel superior (if your head is going no no not this one then great- haven’t met your friend. Happens a lot though).

The present I agree with everyone else.
But if I was at or were hosting a party and saw you kept dipping in and out I'd want to check you were okay.

YANBU

I think everything you did was absolutely fine. I don't understand why this other mum felt it was appropriate to point these things out to you?! Especially because you did nothing wrong. Fair enough if you were taking your clothes off 🤣 but you did all the right things considering you're autistic yourself and your DD is too. Please keep being unapologetically yourself and don't worry what this mum said! You showed up and you both did your best which is more than enough. Personally I don't think you HAVE to take a gift, especially if you don't know the kid nor have a lot of disposable income.. you took a card which was kind. If I ever throw a party for my kid, it's because I want her and her friends to have a good time, not because I want her to get loads of presents 🙄
This has really pissed me off on your behalf, please don't feel like you ever have to change for other people. Everything you did was absolutely fine 🙂

Everyone saying that buying a gift is standard, I totally don't agree with! They took a card which was thoughtful and within their budget 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, OP tripped up by not taking a gift - I think she is pretty aware of this by now, but will you all stop placing your neurotypical expectations on her? What might seem obvious and common sense to us clearly isn't to her.

That other woman sounds a total bitch and the fact she turned heels when your dh approached suggests she's a coward as well.
You might have put money in a card for all she knew

I think you did everything perfectly, even the choice not to bring a present. It's no wonder so many western women are opting out of motherhood if a childrens birthday party has become an occasion for such social judgement.

It sounds like you and especially your daughter did amazingly well in what could have been a very overwhelming situation. I think you should be feeling proud of the both of you x

She sounds a total arsehole. Steer clear of her in future. There will be plenty of other people far nicer than her so don't dwell on her or think that everyone is like her. Rehearse a cutting response if she ever tries anything similar again. Or just tell her to fuck off.
I spent years going to parties wearing very casual clothes, made minimal small talk until I found a few people who I clicked with and then would hang with them.
It is really really early days. Well done to both of you for surviving your first party. Yes you should have got a present but that's not a big deal, and you know now for next time. Several times I've shot off to a party and left the present on the kitchen table, give it to her next time you see her and say sorry, you forgot to bring it at the weekend.
From what you have said you thought it went ok until Bitch Face gave you her run down of events. Ignore her and hang on to your original feeling about the day. You're doing a good job.

What about a card with money in ?

Created an account just to comment on this, the amount of parents on this post that EXPECT gifts and think it’s unreasonable to not being a gift is honestly disgusting I always make it clear on any invitations I send out that a gift is not expected but welcomed either way, my child would rather have a nice time with his friends than them not turn up because they can’t afford a gift also when paying per child it can work out expensive for someone to not turn up just because of a gift, we’re in a cost of living crisis get a grip of yourselves

I cannot believe how rude that other parent was to you @Bananabr3ad I am so sorry that you had to deal with that. How dare she!? My children are teenagers now but I used to find children’s parties excruciating. I am neurotypical but quite introverted and I found them really overwhelming so I can only imagine how you must feel. Please ignore this other parent’s attempt to make you feel bad - as that is what it was, a pathetic bullying tactic. She must be lacking something in her life to feel she needs to comment on things that are nothing to do with her. Your daughter coped well with and enjoyed the party and that was the desired outcome ❤️

As for the gift thing, yeah maybe you should’ve bought the birthday child a packet of sweets or something but I personally would love to see us, as a society, get away from this mass gift giving for the sake of it. Nobody has the money to spare and it is so wasteful!

No one expects it however I would never dream of turning up to a party (child or adult) without a gift, it’s very rude and always will be.

That is so rude of her! !!

you did nothing wrong.
most people would bring a gift but then it isn’t wrong to not. I certainly wouldn’t tell someone it was. She has no idea what the reason behind you not bringing one was. I think it’s more rude of her to bring it up with you!

The other things she said are all silly, non things.
You know how to help your child and you know how to do what’s best for you.

Did she sit and watch you the whole time, to know all of that?!
I think that she’s not very nice and not the kind of person you want to be friends with…

Your did nothing wrong . My son has had parties before where he's not even received a card, I don't know the parents financial history and my ds has never noticed .
What a rude women telling you what you did wrong , you were there for your child and you also took time to realise her and your triggers . Please don't give it another thought

@Bananabr3ad if you have a Works or something like that nearby, they do sets of colouring books and stuff for either £10 for 5 or something or just £2 a book, that is usually good when you don't know the child you are attending the party for.

I have an autistic daughter (well on the waiting list) who is now 10 and we navigate a lot of things by giving her as much info as we can - she likes to study the websites and know exactly where we are going and what is going to happen and so on. and I am fairly similar. Understand that a unstructured party isn't ideal though...

it's ok to be near and help out...

I have had kids coming to parties with ear defenders too if they want - whatever they feel comfortable with - my girl takes her ear defenders to things like sports day

I'm really sorry you had to deal with all of that op. She sounds a dick, please don't let it put you off going to other events. You didn't do anything wrong (except the gift, but even then just a bag of sweets is fine). Its a nice gesture to take in a gift, you call always say you forgot it on the day or whatever when you see the host. There is nothing wrong, if you feel comfortable to, in letting people know you are autistic btw, it will help people to understand and might turn the tables a bit on the judgy "social secretary" types.

The only thing you did wrong was talking to that cowbag.

This. This woman sounds a) unhinged and b) a complete b*tch

I’ve rarely seen a parent at a birthday party for a 4/5 yr old age group who doesn’t hover parent for things like toileting, food and stepping in when they get overexcited. It’s required for the vast majority of children hat age never mind one with additional needs.

As for the parents, I’ve never been to a kids party yet that I haven’t had to step out of for my own sanity and ear drums

I think you will struggle to let this go but I urge you to. What she is pulling you up on is perfectly normal behaviour.

You didn't do anything wrong op. Even the present. I wouldn't want someone buying my kid a present if they where struggling. A friend of ours bought a magazine for my daughter for her birthday. But even those are bloody expensive any more to be honest. If their child can come that would have been enough for us. Parties aren't for the oresents but for the kids to have fun. Everything else seemed fine and I think you handled the party very well x

The person who told you this is just a bully.
In fact they are a vile excuse of a human. I sincerely hope they find this post and realise what an absolute a hole they actually are.

Despite lots of people claiming a present is a must, they are wrong.
My children have had many parties and hardly anyone has bought a gift (most of these people are not neurodivergent either), it’s more important to the birthday child to have their friends company on their birthday than to be held to ransom over a gift.
Also why does any child need 30 thoughtless presents anyway, because let’s be honest, most people only spend a small amount on a gift, so thirty £5 gifts is a total waste of money imo.

Honesty this person is toxic, and I am utterly shocked and so annoyed for you, that they even had the audacity to come to you about these things.