Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

Only thing I would've done different was take a small wrapped gift. My son is autistic and I do the same with being near and watching him. He can flip suddenly if triggered and its fast do I have to watch for signs of him being overwhelmed. If they aren't talking to you and you're nervous you do t seek out people to talk to. Those mums complaining and being overly picky, should of took the time to start a conversation with you x

I must be in the minority here , although I'd always buy a small gift I'd never expect anyone to purchase a gift for a birthday I was hotings nor would I care if they didn't.
I'm happy you showed up!
Your present is your presence!
I'm generally shocked at all these replys

The other points I find quite rude and the mum entitled

As the parent of an autistic daughter I HAD to reply!

You have done nothing wrong.

gifts are a nice to have but should not be a expectation, especially at a time when some people are struggling financially. A home made happy birthday card would have far more meaning.

Neuro typical people are rather obsessed with social interaction, that doesn’t mean you have to be, just like if they drink tea, you don’t have to if you don’t like it. Arriving and introducing yourself is fine.

this woman had no right to give you a step by step critique of your conduct, she’s downright rude it’s quite alright to tell her that

it’s totally your decision but don’t be scared to tell people about your autism, I tell just about everyone I meet about my daughter and so often they reply with oh my Aunty/Son/brother/sister/ friend is autistic

im not autistic but it’s taken me a long time to get used to the kids party small talk, I’m shy. I know some people find me a little quiet or standoffish but likewise I find them gossipy and showy. It can help to find yourself an ally, another parent of a child in the class who gets you, who can swoop in and keep an eye on things if it gets a bit much. Maybe if your daughter has a best/preferred friend, you could get to know their parent.

just remember this stuff can be daunting for lots of parents,

the “this is our world and you have to learn to live in it” shit really pisses me off.

I think the woman who spoke to you was wrong to say such a long list - it’s mean. I don’t think you did anything wrong and think it’s commendable you went to this party.

For future, bring a present but I do understand - my dad has ASD and is very unsentimental about birthdays, doesn’t see the point of gift buying etc. Not sure if that’s similar to your own thoughts but I think not enough understanding was applies to your situation.

You sound fine to me!

That other parent needs to keep her nose out. I had a friend like this, thought she could comment on people all the time.

You do not need to bring a gift. The amount of tat my DS has had over the years that I did not encourage would sink a ship. All the birthday child wants is their friends with them.

Honestly how rude that person was to you. Yes in future bring a gift - sweets, book token, money in the card but otherwise I’d say you did nothing wrong. I have autistic children and probably did hover around them (I still do with my 9 year old) because they struggle and they’re both very unpredictable. I wonder if this person also fed back to other parents that they weren’t very welcoming to you or was she just picking on you. My DH tends to take ours to party as I’m not great socially (suspect I’m autistic like our two girls).

Well done for going 🙂

Same.

A card with a small gift is the polite thing to do, everything else in that list is bullshit.

One of my children is on the spectrum, and I find telling people this helps change their expectations.

OP You did nothing wrong or inappropriate except the non-gift.

My DC had sensory issues when young. Birthday parties with full of screeching kids were distressing them, so we stopped going. We explained that my DC had sensory issues and was not ready for a party, and we gave a card for a birthday child on their birthday. All of the parents showed understanding and were kind. Some even gave my DC a birthday good bag next day. As they grow older, birthday parties will become smaller, just with several close friends, and they become easier for DCs with sensory issues. Some parents spoke to me as they are a little older that they were planning a small party, or an outdoor party, if my DC would like to come. Lots of parents are nice like that. I will award the super bitch of the year award to the mum who told you that you had been inappropriate. Believe me, she will (or already have) develop quite a reputation as a nasty bully over the course of time and decent people will start avoiding her at all cost. She is not worth your headspace! (By the way, there are always a couple of kids who are distressed by the noise in parties. I found later on that there are lots of parents who don't enjoy socialising in kids' parties!)

That woman sounds like an absolute bitch and I'm very sorry she was so unbelievably rude to you.

Apart from not taking a present (which everyone has covered!) there is absolutely nothing wrong with anything you did. You are DD's parent and you know how much intervention she needs from you eg to prompt her to go to the toilet and to behave appropriately with other children. If you need breaks that's fine. As long as you're polite, saying hello then goodbye and thank you to the host, and smiling at people who make eye contact, you don't have to talk to people if you don't want to. You took DD to the party so she'd have the opportunity to enjoy it, not for your own benefit and not necessarily to talk to other parents if you don't want to. As for her comment about your outfit, that was completely out of order.

I'm pretty furious on your behalf tbh. She sounds like one of those bitchy school gate mums

If you give the birthday girl a present perhaps you could have a quiet word with the mum to explain that you are autistic and don't always understand the social rules - but only if you feel comfortable doing so; you don't have to disclose it if you don't want to.

The gift but everything else as you say went ok you deflated any situations rather than let it esculate well done mum as for the clothing their isnt a dress code at all for parents or kids if you dont deel comfortable next time dont go just say thankyou but no thankyou youve got plans. its like someone leaving and staff asking for a donation if youve only been their a few weeks id say politely get stuffed. Everybody tries to outdo each other with parties when my children were little if they wanted a party they got one nothing extravagant but if they didnt want one fair enough.

At your dd age a good and as expensive as you want to make it gift is a book. Can always get book voucher but sometimes at shops like the works you get get a pack of Julia Donaldson books fairly inexpensively that would last quite a few birthday pressies.

You should have taken a present as that’s accepted as the norm these days and has been for 100+ years … anything, it’s just a token for the birthday child - often the b’day child’s parents have gone to a lot of expense ie food entertainment etc and it’s a nice way to say thank you etc. The other parent was very rude too. Next time you’ll know

Can I just say that the other mum sounds MEAN.

I think that, whilst autism means that you can miss certain social cues, it also means that you're more likely to put someone's rudeness down to something you did when they're just naturally unpleasant.

Yes, you didn't get a present, but it isn't the end of the world, and you're remedying the faux pas (It's just a token gift to say thank you really, it doesn't have to be anything particularly thoughtful if your child doesn't know them; supermarkets are great for colouring books and stickers).

Nothing else that you've said sounds wrong; who does that woman she think she is questioning your parenting and making barbs about your clothing?! Ugh. Try not to fret, she doesn't seem like someone that is worth getting advice from, but if it does bother you, maybe talk to another parent that was there. I don't know if the mean mum was the birthday girl's mum, but if not, I would approach the birthday girl's mum directly. Explain about the gift, and apologise if you seemed a little sensory overloaded (seriously, even people without autism feel like that to a degree sometimes) but you and your daughter are new to birthday parties, and you stayed close to make sure she was playing appropriately. I'm sure she'd probably be surprised about mean mum's comments, or at least understand why you may have acted a certain why, if you did at all.

Sometimes people are just horrible for no reason, and mums can be known for being judgemental. xx

Bloody hell. What an absolute cheek. Talk about rude. OK, yes you should have taken a present but all the rest is rubbish. You didn't talk to people? Did they go to you to introduce themselves? Stepping out? Quite right. I'd do that at a kids party. An adults to if it was too noisy and I'm not autistic but I can imagine how bad it must have been for you. You should tell this person that it's not you who needs educating. Good luck with the rest of time and don't worry. You're doing fine 🙂 😍 ☺️

If you don’t know what to get I’d ask when accepting the invite. Or maybe pop a fiver in the card. To be honest I’d think most people that just have a card did put money in, also a little present is usually better.

It’s bad etiquette to tell other parents what they did wrong at a kids party tho.

This was extremely helpful! I really appreciate you going out of your way to explain this in detail

In infants I bought colouring books or craft things like ‘paint a mug’ or paint jewellery boxes etc.. but if you’re really unsure I tend to pit either a fiver or tenner in, depending how friendly they are.
As for the rest, I’d say what you wear and whether you talk to others or not, and how much you watch YOUR child is non of their business….. you prevented both yourself and your child from becoming overly stressed…. I’d say you did a great job.
In year R we invited about 30 girls to a party in a hall….. some mothers stayed… some dropped and left as had other kids…. I think the other mums should be pleased you stayed and supervised your daughter and keep their opinions to themselves… they don’t sound like the kind of people I would want to stand and talk to if I’m honest!!!

Always take a present if you can afford it. It doesn’t matter how much it costs.

You did absolutely nothing else wrong. The other parent is rude AF for even coming to discuss this ‘list’ with you. I mean who even does that? Seriously?!?! 😳

Op did you get the present? How did that interaction go?

I agree that except for the present everything else seemed fine. The other mum sounds rude telling you all the things you supposedly did wrong. But at least now you know about the presents for next time.

My ds is autistic and for him it's a lot easier since he told his friends about his diagnosis. It explains his behaviour and they give him a bit of leeway now. He is 9 and was diagnosed only this year. That might not suit everyone, he is in a very small school and they are great at dealing with that kind of thing.

This woman comes across as an absolute b!tch

Avoid her!

How did the gift-giving go?

Perhaps the gift part could be seen as a little 'off'. Everything else is just the norm for someone who is on the spectrum.

I know you shouldn't HAVE TO but I sometimes find it easier to just explain that my child has XYZ and that is why she behaves in a certain way and why I need to tell her how to do some things. When explaining these things you could also say that you are on the spectrum. I find being honest makes things alot easier. My child is almost 9 and I still have to do these things at birthday parties or play dates with parents who do not know us too well.

Dont shut yourself and your daughter out, you've done nothing wrong.. people just need to have a little more understanding and they cant unless we educate them.

IIt's so nice of you to want to understand and work on certain neurotypical aspects of life though. Good luck for the next party. Xx

OP IMO you were not rude because rudeness requires some malice and you had none. That person coming up to you in the park to critique your social skills, however, might be one of the rudest people on the planet!

I always think… why would I take unsolicited advice from someone I would never have approached to ask for it? I imagine you would never have sought this woman’s opinion, and therefore you do not need to pay it any mind.

Children’s birthday parties are hell holes a lot of the time and I admire you for sticking it out because 30 screaming kids and a bouncy castle is the worst type of birthday party.

Here’s my advice: Take a gift until you can get away with sticking a tenner in a card (about age 8 and up), spend as much time with your child as you want to keep her safe and happy, and don’t talk to anyone you don’t want to.

I would say the only 'inappropriate' one was not bringing a gift but then on the other hand, I would never automatically expect a gift to be given - I don't know the other parents situations and I'd rather the child was present. The others, you were not unreasonable at all. I don't stay at parties now at all as ds is 7 and no one has said anything to me. Other groups of parents know eachother but as I don't know them, I feel uncomfortable staying. There is nothing wrong with no small talk, like you said, nobody initiated any conversation with you so you weren't being rude. Also I would probably hover as it's natural to make sure your child is supported and ok. As for the nipping out - like I said, I don't even stay anymore! I'd definitely need a breather, children's parties are hard going (Ds had a party in June but parents couldn't stay as it was soft play and I'd have been charged more).