Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

So she wasn't happy you hovered but wasn't happy you left for a short period of time? Odd.

You should have brought a gift but you know now. Other then that I just think this person sounds very critical OP.

U did nothing wrong .YOU managed ur situation the best you could .no one else's buisness I also couldn't care less about bringing a present or not .I'd much rather the person was there. I hate judgemental nosy fake parents who think they have a right to speak .if the person throwing the party and the child wernt fussed .fuck everyone else .who was probably just jealous at the bond you have with ur little one .my sons autistic and I make no excuses for that .neither should you

Just wanted to pop on here and say that while you may be autistic, you are also an AMAZING MUM!
You did something that took you out of your comfort zone and caused you stress, just so that your daughter could enjoy a social experience that she was excited about going to.
You no

I just read your first post OP, not your replies. Apologies for that. I have read them now. I will logout though now as I find it exhausting to read replies after my post, and rethinking again whether I have offended you, which is definitely not what you need or deserve.

The way she approached you in the playground was very unkind and it indicates she wasn't trying to be helpful. I was so glad to hear your DH is understanding and on your side.

Also I would be fine with no present, my examples were (from home bargains) but still relatively expensive options and there are other cheaper ones too as people have listed. I am glad it went well for your daughter.

I would say the main overriding lesson from this experience, is that this woman is rude and that over all the party went well.

It doesn’t sound like you were inappropriate. Why did the other Mum feel she could pick apart everything you did though. It sounds like your behaviour was fine.

I don’t think anyone will be worrying to much about your lack of present in the present economic climate.

Agree with PP who say the mum was a bully and a snob and you did nothing wrong.

If you want to in the future, a good go to present for children's birthday parties is a cheap pack of felt pens/ colouring pencils and a book to draw in, used to be able to get for under £5 in BM. Works for boys & girls & parents who don't (or pretend not to) give sugar to their kids

I have an autistic 6 year old and I think I often get seen as the "weird standoffish parent" because of the way I have to monitor him in ways that other parents don't understand and because of my own anxieties around talking to other people and things.

At the end of the day children's parties and school runs aren't there for you, they are for the kids. I try remind myself that there is no reason I should care what I bunch of strangers that I clearly wouldn't want to be friends with if they are that judgemental thinks about me.
The only social rule you've broken here is not bringing a present or money in the card, think of the present as payment back for the host hosting and paying for the party. If you can't afford it then decline the invitation instead.

Honestly I would just stay away from the other parents and keep doing what you are doing, you've got this mama and nobodies ever been in your shoes to understand.

Oops, posted too soon!
You not only managed your own feelings and discomfort but helped your daughter regulate her own feelings in a very noisy chaotic atmosphere so that she could participate without meltdown or disregulation.
You did an awesome job and don't let mean comments make you feel any differently.

If you got to know any mums that seem kind and sensitive, sharing something about your daughter's difficulties might smooth the way socially. You can say "she gets overwhelmed by...." "She finds some types of social interaction tricky so stay close in case she needs help with it". You don't have to share her diagnosis.
You might want to share something about your own difficulties " I find large gatherings and noisy environments difficult" might also help but none of this is essential, only if you want to do it and you know the particular mum is empathetic.
Other than that, just know you are an AWESOME MUM, doing the best for your child. Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise!

‘No gift required, your presence is present enough’ hardly bizarre, have fun raising spoilt entitled kids

It's perfectly normal to receive presents from your guests at your birthday party, although I'd agree it's not strictly necessary.

But then parties aren't necessary either, if we're going to take that thought to the extreme 🤷🏻‍♀️
"Raising spoilt entitled kids" is a fairly odd take on it?

Wow what a rude bitch. Sounds like you handled it very well OP under the circumstances. Who is she to give you a fecking list like that! Avoid her like the plague for the next 7 years.

The reason we're all mentioning gifts is that the OP wanted to know what is normal at a child's birthday party. Buying tat for kids we hardly know and wrapping it in shiny paper is generally considered part of the ritual of birthday parties - perhaps it shouldn't be, but don't want to confuse the OP. However, I doubt any of the other parents even noticed, let alone cared.

All the other stuff, like making small talk, how much you interact with your kids, what you wear was all rubbish. The other mother sounds like a right, bossy cow! It was a kid's birthday party, not afternoon tea with the Queen! She needs to get a life.

Just came on to say you did NOTHING wrong op & that rude mum was totally out of order to speak to you like that in the playground!! I can't believe her cheek tbh!! Has she styled herself on Amanda from Motherland???? I've hosted plenty of parties where the whole class came & not every child brought a gift and I didn't care at all. It is the norm to take a little gift but it doesn't really matter. That awful mum was a total snob!! (really wish she could read this thread & see what people think of her!) You carry on being awesome & stay away from that vile woman (though maybe smile sweetly at her & say good morning in a loud cheery voice whenever you see her - that will probably really annoy her 😉 👏 & if she ever mentions this party again don't apologise anymore.

I feel really sorry for you, OP, the mother who decided to give you a long list of criticisms is a nasty little bully! No idea what she thinks gives her the right to comment. You have better social skills than she does, for sure.
As everyone has said, it's the norm to take a present but you didn't realise so hey. Would be nice to give the mum something at school drop off and just say, oops, sorry, I forgot to bring this to the party.

It's very hearting to read all the sympathetic/positive responses to a lady with autism. I truly wish this was my experience in the real world.

Unless the person listing off all your perceived ’faults’ was the birthday child’s parent how could they have known that your gift wasn’t some cash in the card? This person, birthday child’s parent or not sounds like an arsehole, and it sounds like you have a lot of coping strategies in place for both yourself and your child that seem to be working ok 👍

Wow, totally unrelated to OP, but your experience with NICU writing in your notes really made me hurt for you - I hope you’ve had the support you need to get past that first experience and know the value that you bring as a parent.

In these difficult times, I wouldn't be upset if someone turned up at my boy's party without a gift, in fact before times became difficult I wouldn't have. The party is to have a good time with his friends creating happy memories and the gifts are a bonus.
I would get a little story book from WH Smiths or somewhere, wrap it up and when you hand it to the Mum just say 'Sorry it's late, Amazon screwed up, hope it didn't cause too much upset' and then leave it at that. Walk away. If that other mum comes near you and starts to talk to you just say 'Sorry, I just need to' whilst walking away.

What? So bizarre. I don't give a toss if anyone brings a present or not. My kids aren't remotely spoilt or entitled.

But in all my years of parenting (and being a child myself) I've never ever heard of anyone actually including "gift welcome but not required" on a kids' party invitation! Weddings maybe, but not children's parties.

Just so weird. Do you genuinely do this?! 😄

Op asked for advice on normal party etiquette. Bringing a little gift is normal . writing about your expectations on the invitations really, really isn't...

Since when has it been a rule that you MUST bring a gift, what if people can’t afford it, I’ve never been offended if someone didn’t bring a gift for our children
do you all have a party just for the gifts??? We certainly don’t, we have a party to celebrate a birthday

the only one being unreasonable/inappropriate was what the other mother said to you, how dare she!

Actually, I think that you should explain to this person that both you and DD are autistic and what this means. It's wrong of them to expect you and DD to force yourselves to change how you are. If you're not comfortable having this conversation, maybe just mention that you and DD are autistic and send them a link of information so they can get themselves up to speed.

Oh, and maybe get a cheap gift next time to go along with the card.

I"m flabbergasted that woman said any of those things to you, i have 2 ASD teenagers, they have been to birthday parties and have had birthday parties, fair enough we've always given a gift, but there have been many occasions where children have come to my boys parties and brought, cards only, or brought nothing, and I have never cared, I fully understand some people don't think of it and very important, not everyone can afford the gift, the most important thing for us has always been that the party goers turn up, imagine a child sitting at a play centre with a load of gifts and no one to play with.

That woman sounds like a horror.

WillPowerLite
'...And why would any parent care?'

In my case, I only cared in general terms so our child, when back in class would be able to be thankful personally to the other children if it came up - e.g. if my kid use a Smiggle pen a friend gave, very often the friend knows what they gave!
The kids in our school seemed to try to give thoughtful presents that suit the birthday boy/girl. e.g. not giving arty stuff to kids who don't like it. I did used to ask 'What does x like?' to get something they'd like so it'd be enjoyed🤷🏻‍♀️ 🙂

Op didn't suggest she was hard up,just that she didn't know it was normal to bring a gift. I was advising based on the assumption that she can spare a couple of quid. I realise this is not the case for everyone.

The other option which I've had to do once or twice is to 'regift' either an unused present given to my children, or even a book they've read but which is still in good condition. It's just nice if the child has something wrapped up to hand over when they arrive (nice for the child, not for the hosting family). Wrapping paper can be made from scrap paper or free magazines that you can pick up in shops etc.

I absolutely agree, I'm not bothered as a hosting parent if someone comes without a gift, but the op was asking if the horrible woman's comments were accurate. And Imo it's only not bringing a gift that would be a bit unusual.