Birthday party etiquette - what did I do wrong?

[Bananabr3ad]

Hi, I'm autistic and I've never really understood birthday parties or gatherings like that for young children. Not that I think they are stupid, more that I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'd really appreciate some clarification because my DD (also autistic) went to her first birthday party yesterday and even though it was a sensory overload, I felt it went okay. But after the party one of the other mums told me some of the things I did weren't appropriate and I don't understand why.

The things that she said was inappropriate:

1. Not bringing a gift. DD was invited to the party along with the rest of her class. She's just started school and hardly knows the child. We had no idea what to get them and I didn't want to waste money -that is already limited- on a random gift that may end up being thrown away anyway. We brought a card.

1. Not talking to the other parents. I have no idea how to small talk, if its appropriate to just start talking to people, what I'm meant to say. Nobody tried to start a conversation so I wasn't directly ignoring anybody. I was really anxious and in an overwhelming situation and it was easier for everyone if I kept to myself.

1. Hovering around DD. I didn't think I was hovering. DD struggles with interacting appropriately so if I saw her starting to become rough with the other children I'd step in and quickly remind her. If I saw she was getting close to lashing out or I thought she was getting overwhelmed I would take her to the side and help her calm down for a minute. In the 2 hours we were there I think I had to do this 4 or 5 times. I felt like she did amazingly considering the situation. I did have to take her to the toilet a couple of times but because she has toileting issues and needs to be taken regularly. I also had to help her with her cup because she hasn't mastered using a cup yet. Otherwise I stayed out of the way. I don't understand why any of that is inappropriate. Maybe because people don't realise she is autistic? I'd rather intervene to try and defuse the situation than let her hurt other children when she gets overwhelmed.

1. Leaving the room multiple times. I did step out of the room for a moment a few times. Mainly when there was too much going on for me to process. A room full of atleast 30 screaming children and at least the same amount of parents chatting away, lights that buzz, music, balloons popping, bouncy castle motor running. It's a lot. I did my best to manage it and that meant going outside a couple of times. I'd rather that than have a meltdown in front of everybody.

1. What I was wearing. I'm really not sure what this meant. There wasn't a theme. I wore jeans and a top like the majority of the other parents.

Can anybody explain to me why what I did is wrong and how to correct this in the future? I don't want to stop DD from having these experiences. I guess that means that I have to learn how to behave too.

Bless you OP. The person you encountered was a prick and a bully. She has sensed your vulnerability and honed in on you.

Never apologies to someone who does that to you. Tell them to fuck off and turn your back/walk off. You did nothing wrong.

Totally agree.

I haven't read the whole thread but can someone tell me HOW it is rude to not talk to anyone else, if no one else makes the effort to talk to you EITHER? Surely those two things are the same!! 🤔

Sounds like another double standard to me but I'd be interested to hear how it isn't.

(OP, I personally don't think you were wrong in any of your actions; I'd try to be less helicopter-y if it were me but I'd also know the bad results that would come from not doing that with my kid at that age. It's also not uncommon to not bring a present where I live (a pretty affluent area but some poorer people, us included) but I always, always give a card. Preferably hand-made by my child so they can see love and effort was put in! Still, it's nice to give a token present if you can. But I wouldn't say required - and there have been many threads on MN saying EXACTLY this.)

Nothing wrong there really.
next time bring a gift and maybe when you are accepting the next party invitation explain to the host that you and your daughter are both autistic and so you may be a bit quiet but it’s nothing personal.

I have never commented on any post on mumsnet but I cannot believe how many people are saying you have to take a gift. Especially in the times we are in right now!! If it is outside of your means where can you find money to buy a gift? Surely a card is more than enough! I wouldn't expect people to bring a gift to my child's party.

You should always bring a present to a child's birthday party.

Other than that you did nothing wrong and this other mum sounds like a real mean girl.

So sorry that you had to experience this ! The person telling you this was unbelievably rude !
Gifts or sweets are usually expected at a party - I used to go and buy 99p books and a bar of chocolate if I didn't know the child well.

As for everything , you did really well and need to tell that horrible person to stick their opinions where the sun doesn't shine ! What you wear and how you behave are no ones business except yours.

There may be too many replies to read this but I hope you do. I am writing this because I have years of practice at this and hope my learning can help.
From the start. People will send invites, they want to you to reply soon and to say if your child is attending. They do not want to hear any preferences, only serious food allergies or concerns. If you cannot get there on time, they prefer you do not go. If you cannot go, they do not want to hear or care why, but a brief indication of regret, something like "sorry, X will miss party as we are away that day, hope Y has a lovely party"

You should dress in your normal daytime clothes, I think yours were probably fine, there is no usual style. They do not want your child to come in fancy dress or very fragile clothes for practical reasons, unless it said on invite, but also that the party is focussed more on the child who's birthday it is.

They want an age appropriate card, usually before 8 or 9 years a gift is bought, go by watching others at parties, often after this age it changes to £10 in a card. The gift should not be clothes or too practical. A book intended for child could read could offend if perceived as too easy or too hard for the reader. So only picture /parent read books for youngest children. I find presents (when you don't know what a child has) as wasteful and pointless. Often I get craft things, as they may get used in time, lego or remote control cars. The present should be wrapped with birthday paper which is appropriate for age, gender and birthday or it can go in a bag.

I regularly ask my DH and best friend for feedback about my behaviour at social occasions and have done for the past 20 years. However I don't remember anyone ever giving unasked for feedback, especially such detailed and critical feedback as you have had and this is definitely rude and you should say this to them. If it was a while ago, probably too much time has passed.
I prepare 2 small talk things I can say. Usually questions for them. eg ask if their child enjoyed recent event/ do they like Halloween decorations in shops? I might say "I turned around in the local Spar and nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw the clown there" which is a mildly amusing/non controversial thing that happened and prepare it into a brief story. This sounds more arduous than it is, it is more easy the more you do it.

I wouldn't be concerned about leaving the room, this is fine, you can always look at your phone, it is no-ones business if you have to contact someone/want to check your phone, as long as it is for no more than about 15 mins.
If you are going to follow your child around closely I would say this to host at the start. It should be worded in a way that makes you sound helpful, not too serious and not make your child sound dangerous. ie "I'll just keep a close eye on her, sometimes she is a bit too friendly" "sometimes she gets a bit overwhelmed at parties so I will keep a close eye on her" "no matter how many times I tell her she hasn't totally got the hang of sharing yet, especially when she is in a new place, so I'll just stay near in case I need to remind her" etc this is a good way to avoid too much small talk also.

You should thank the host directly as you leave. Sorry if this sounds obvious. I often think "they are busy" or "they are talking to other people" they don't want a conversation but just lift your hand up, smile and say "thanks for having her" and depending on your daughter get her to say "thank you" also.

I don't care if people don't bring a present, wear fancy dress, wrap the gift in Christmas paper and spend the whole time sleeping in the corner. However if I do the above, it gives me a fighting chance of getting a superficial conversation in with other parents, which hopefully will help my children's socialisation (and mine) and stop us being completely invisible. I can then relax somewhat. Whereas if I had to push the social norm a bit, I would not be able to concentrate on my child and speaking to others.

I rarely show the inner workings of my brain. I hope this hasn't offended you.

If you don't know the child and don't know what to get them, take an age appropriate book.

Are you suggesting that Autistic people need to mask their personalities to fit in with yours?
Social norms? Indoctrination much?!

Do you really not realise how ableist your comments are?

The wan I'm the playground sounds like a poisonous bully. Please don't listrn

@MenMrsJones

I don't know if your message is to me

I think I clearly said this is the inner working of my own mind and amongst a lot of other advice I think it is ok to say what has helped me. You may perceive me as to have been indoctrinated I think I am fully aware of what I am doing. I don't look forward to these type of events. However I don't dread them and can participate. I think it is easy for some people to say "be yourself" but if I was going to be myself, I wouldn't go, obviously.

Bloody Nora! This woman is a horrible horrible person. Don't take it to heart.

The only thing of that lot that I think you should take on board and do in future is to take a present. It doesn't have to be big or expensive. You can pick up cheap craft sets at Hobbycraft or cheap books at the Works. Little set of hair clips from your local pharmacy. I'm not well off and I tend to buy bits and bobs when I see something that would make a good present in the supermarket or whatever for under £5.

I'm not autistic but I probably have ADHD. When I go to noisy parties I step outside a few times in order to cope. If someone speaks to me I respond but otherwise will happily just sit and keep an eye that DD is ok. After a big noisy party I whisk DD into the car straight away and head for open space and fresh air so that we can both recover.

Every party I've been to has had parents wearing jeans.

You absolutely do not HAVE to take a gift. A card is a lovely gesture.

You did nothing wrong and it sounds like the person who gave you a list should mind their own business - it's a kids birthday party not an audience with the King.

I'd say none of the kids noticed what you were wearing or doing and as long as they all had a good time sounds like a success to me??

Ignore them OP 👍🏼

The only thing that you should have done was bring a gift. The other stuff has nothing to do with this parent and it sounds like she's being a bit of a dick.

Nothing in what you've listed is wrong! Yes, it's "usual" to bring a small gift, but not essential. We've never had a child's birthday party where we've viewed it as a present-gathering exercise - we've had the parties because our children want to celebrate with their friends and some don't bring gifts, some do. We generally take a gift, but know some folks simply can't afford it.
The rest of the points seen odd - parents often stay and supervise their child, especially when they are younger. Some need a parent to hover, some are super independent and don't need them there at all. It's perfectly reasonable to step out now and then too - it seems like the person who complied the list for you just can't be pleased!
Jeans and T sounds pretty normal 🤷🏻‍♀️ especially if the others are similarly dressed.
Chit chat is hard - especially when everyone knows each other apart from you and they all break off into their little cliques. The parent doing the criticism, she didn't come over and chat to you, so can hardly pull you up on not chatting!

I'd park the thought and not worry yourself over it. if you have a friend who has a child at the same school, have a chat and see what she thinks xxx

Do you know any of the other parents at the party

⬆️ This!

How unbelievably fucking rude of that lady! I'd say if anyone doesn't understand social etiquette it is her! I wouldn't assume her comments are backed up by the party organiser but are based on her own assumptions about you.
I would say that kids parties can be a good way to get to know a few other parents. But it can be hard to instigate those conversations if you don't know anyone. And I see plenty of parents keeping themselves to themselves at kids parties.
The present thing is a bit of a social norm, but wouldn't bother me in the slightest. If anything, at a big class party, I'd welcome parents to not bring a present!

In all my time taking my children to birthday parties, and having other children come to their parties, I have never known anyone to come without a token gift of some sort.

Most charity shops have boxes of children's books which are 2 or 3 for £1. Poundland has books and craft things for £1. If you can afford a birthday card and clothes for you and your kid, you can afford a £1 gift

You comment on the prospect of presents in your child's birthday party invitations?!?!? That's so bizarre.

I hate people that say I know people with autism therefore… Just because some people with autism know something doesn’t mean all people with autism will know that particular something. If you had any actual understanding of autism you’d know that everyone on the spectrum is different, that not all people with autism act the same, present the same or have the same level of understanding. If you actually understood autism you’d know exactly how plausible it is that they wouldn’t know all social norms regardless of how ‘severe’ you think their autism is

I see this all the time in work. I work for a fodbank and we see people who are given clothes who don't have the means to buy clothes for their children. I know this may mot be the case for the OP but imagine as a child mum or dad telling you you can't gonto a party because you can bring a present..... cards can be made and also cost 29p.

I'm not saying if you can afford it you shouldn't what I'm saying is you don't know others circumstances

Bless you op . I am interested to know how she noticed so much about you ? Can only guess she was watching you which is weird behaviour!
She is a nasty bully and she needs to be pulled up on her behaviour.
FWIW I genuinely don’t think people notice at a child’s party if another child hasn’t brought a gift apart from the parent when the child unwraps after the party .
That woman sounds weird and stalky TBH !

This was meant in reply to astarsheis not to the op

@HappyChickenEggs Hi, no sorry I was trying to reply to another comment on page 2. When I clicked reply, I assumed it would tag the person from the comment.
I don’t use mumsnet but I saw this post on FB and needed to reply to OP.

I did however read your comment, I tend to disagree. Being Autistic is considered to be in the minority and like other minorities, accommodations should be made for us to allow community to grow. I do not believe Autistics should have to comply with ‘social norms’ or expectations just to make a neurotypical feel comfortable and validated. Neurotypicals are of course allegedly.. the superior humans, they are also the ones with a problem.
I just don’t think it is healthy for Autistics to be told how to behave, unless they’re causing harm to another. Merely not speaking to people at a party is a non issue. I don’t live my life to make other people comfortable anymore. What about my comfort? What about my peace and mental health?
Gossiping about Karen and Dave from 3 doors up, makes me feel like I’ve got pins in my eyes. Talk to me about space, the universe, psychology or engineering and I will talk and talk. It makes me uncomfortable to gossip and make small talk.