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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse a school home visit?

625 replies

CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 11:49

My son has just started school this year so I don’t know if this is the norm or not?

So apparently his school (not the teachers) does home visits with all the new parents to discuss any issues going on and for a chit chat (and probably just to be nosey around your home too!)

I have already had to reschedule once because we -all had COVID but I’ve got it coming up again now but it’s just such an inconvenience! I work from home, have a medical procedure coming up which I have several appointments beforehand and I also have a private issue going on (legal issues) which is requiring a lot of solicitor appointments and admin stuff at home at the moment too.

There has been no issues with my son at school whatsoever, he is doing amazingly well, glowing reports, I have brilliant communication with his actual teachers - I don’t need any extra support with anything and there is a parent’s evening coming up soon anyway.

I also have an extremely anxious dog who really stresses out if stranger’s come into the home (constantly barking, pacing up and down, sometimes wee’s - something we are working on but he came from a bad home previous to us).

WIBU to tell them I don’t need a home visit and this just isn’t going to work for me or will it be seen as bad and negative thing like I’m not co-operating or I’m being resistant etc?

And yes… I do tend to overthink everything which is why I’m asking!

OP posts:
AliceMcK · 16/10/2022 12:35

Never heard of this. Teachers would visit new children in their childcare setting and the schools around here have 2/3 taster sessions for new children to get to know them. I don’t see why a school needs to visit a child’s home unless they had concerns about a child.

Boymumsoymum · 16/10/2022 12:36

Oysterbabe · 16/10/2022 12:33

Surely you'd arrange a time that does not conflict with a doctor or solicitor appointment. It will take 10 minutes. You could easily make it work if you wanted to do it. You don't want to do it and that's the reason you're looking for barriers.

Can you not ask them for a shorter time slot OP? Surely nobody is that busy that they can manage like 10 mins or something? What would you do if you were suddenly ill and needed a docs appointment. I was working full time when I had this situ, I managed to fit it in?

WetAndRainy · 16/10/2022 12:36

Many working parents can't just take an hour out of their day for a random visit - I don't see why the school needs any explanation other than it's incompatible with work even if OP works from home.

Our visits were about 30-40 minutes not 10 - included some paper work and random chat with me and DC. If there are concerns surely meeting in school and an explanation of why it's needed would be done.

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:36

I’m not worried regarding safeguarding in the slightest, I would have more than enough people who have been in my home to vouch for that

OP posts:
plinkypots · 16/10/2022 12:37

If CAHMS are already involved I'd guess that's why they are pushing for the meeting. Could you do 30 min? I'd go back to them with some options rather than refusing even if those options are evenings weekends and for a shorter period of time.

Lou98 · 16/10/2022 12:37

bingbummy · 16/10/2022 12:16

I've never heard of this. I did have a sit down with the school but that was in the school.

Where is this the norm? Is it small villages?

I live in a small village in Scotland and have never heard of this.
None of the schools round my way do this

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:37

@Boymumsoymum @Oysterbabe yes I would make the time for an appointment if I needed it… this is not necessary especially when it’s not even with someone who is relevant to my child. I will ask them to keep it to 15 minutes max and as soon as that time is over they will swiftly be asked to leave

OP posts:
Parker231 · 16/10/2022 12:38

I don’t know anyone who would have agreed to this as it would have involved taking time off work.

Fastandlupine · 16/10/2022 12:38

It's a bit life limiting having a dog who doesn't like strangers

supersonicginandtonic · 16/10/2022 12:38

@Pumperthepumper it really is unfortunately. I'm not making this up.
It's sad for that the good parents have to suffer for the small minority.
More and more training is coming out so that professionals are more aware and also to work with other professionals closely. A lot of children were killed during lockdowns and the cases of child abuse and domestic violence went up so it's trying to ensure this doesn't happen again.

OP please don't think I'm saying you're one of the bad ones. I'm simply trying to give an explanation why.

CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Elphame · 16/10/2022 12:39

I would never have agreed to this had it been a thing when my DC were at school!

TheColorIndigo · 16/10/2022 12:39

We had it here, just before DCs started reception. It was the class teacher and TA and the teacher said that sometimes they are able to refer to it if the child is upset about something at school and they think it might help. Reinforcing the home-school link.
I wanted to refuse as I felt my house was slightly on the messy side, but I got away with making sure the living room was tidy. They didn't ask to see the rest of the house!
I am sure it is fine in your case to refuse but I am sure there must be the occasional time where a home visit refusal is noted as a slight red flag.

PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog · 16/10/2022 12:40

DD had one just before she started school. It was OK, teacher just chatted to us for about 10 mins and asked if there were any considerations needed in the class room as we are Jewish but the School is CofE. We are cultural, not religious so no, but DH and I are going to do an RE thing about Shabbat. (the one regular thing we do!) Grin

Untitledsquatboulder · 16/10/2022 12:40

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit

So why not tell them that and offer a date later in November? You are being awfully defensive for someone who popped into a public forum and asked the question.

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2022 12:40

supersonicginandtonic · 16/10/2022 12:38

@Pumperthepumper it really is unfortunately. I'm not making this up.
It's sad for that the good parents have to suffer for the small minority.
More and more training is coming out so that professionals are more aware and also to work with other professionals closely. A lot of children were killed during lockdowns and the cases of child abuse and domestic violence went up so it's trying to ensure this doesn't happen again.

OP please don't think I'm saying you're one of the bad ones. I'm simply trying to give an explanation why.

You are making it up - and I know you are because there isn’t a single child safeguarding service well funded enough to do anything with a parent refusing a generic appointment. Which people on your caseload would you drop to deal with the OP? I’m guessing none of them.

WishingWell5 · 16/10/2022 12:40

You are helping the school / wider society by ensuring some cases of home neglect / abuse might be picked up on, by engaging and allowing the visits. It might be an annoyance but that's the truth of it.

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:40

And for those who are saying I should be fine letting any strangers in my home - my home is a safe place for very personal reasons - it hasn’t always been one for me - so yes I am picky about who I let in and what does and doesn’t feel intrusive to me - not everyone wants the neighbours and their third cousins in their home like some open house!

OP posts:
WetAndRainy · 16/10/2022 12:41

Parker231 · 16/10/2022 12:38

I don’t know anyone who would have agreed to this as it would have involved taking time off work.

Exactly - working parents aren't exactly uncommon.

Blocked · 16/10/2022 12:42

The visit is for the benefit of your child so YABU.

boredOf · 16/10/2022 12:42

I didn't let them do it, same thing I found it too intrusive. My home is my home and it stays probate to who I decide to invite in.
Not school
No way
One thousand per cent agree with you

Haha I'm still cranky about it!!

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:42

@Blocked how is someone visiting my home when my child isn’t here who doesn’t even work or interact with my child benefit them please?

OP posts:
TheColorIndigo · 16/10/2022 12:43

Parker231 · 16/10/2022 12:38

I don’t know anyone who would have agreed to this as it would have involved taking time off work.

I think in most case it happens before school starts so more likely to be home anyway as no childcare.

supersonicginandtonic · 16/10/2022 12:43

@Pumperthepumper you really are ignorant to what I am saying aren't you? I'm not saying I'd drop anybody to go see the OP, she doesn't sound like she'd be on my caseload. I said refusing visits could set alarm bells ringing, which it can. 🙄

Thatboymum · 16/10/2022 12:44

I have never ever heard of this in Scotland anyway, however if it were to happen I would have no issues as I have nothing at all to hide and do think those that decline have something to hide so they probs will make assumptions