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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse a school home visit?

625 replies

CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 11:49

My son has just started school this year so I don’t know if this is the norm or not?

So apparently his school (not the teachers) does home visits with all the new parents to discuss any issues going on and for a chit chat (and probably just to be nosey around your home too!)

I have already had to reschedule once because we -all had COVID but I’ve got it coming up again now but it’s just such an inconvenience! I work from home, have a medical procedure coming up which I have several appointments beforehand and I also have a private issue going on (legal issues) which is requiring a lot of solicitor appointments and admin stuff at home at the moment too.

There has been no issues with my son at school whatsoever, he is doing amazingly well, glowing reports, I have brilliant communication with his actual teachers - I don’t need any extra support with anything and there is a parent’s evening coming up soon anyway.

I also have an extremely anxious dog who really stresses out if stranger’s come into the home (constantly barking, pacing up and down, sometimes wee’s - something we are working on but he came from a bad home previous to us).

WIBU to tell them I don’t need a home visit and this just isn’t going to work for me or will it be seen as bad and negative thing like I’m not co-operating or I’m being resistant etc?

And yes… I do tend to overthink everything which is why I’m asking!

OP posts:
Grapewrath · 16/10/2022 12:30

Just explain the issues with the dog, don’t worry about it

Johnnysgirl · 16/10/2022 12:31

CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:29

@YellowTreeHouse they can keep an eye on me as close as they want, nothing to hide here my lovely!

So stop hiding 🤷🏻‍♀️

Boymumsoymum · 16/10/2022 12:31

Not being able to cope with a visitor to your home for 15 mins tells school a lot. They aren't expecting an immaculate home but if you aren't able to allow someone from school access to your home for even a few minutes then school would be perfectly sensible to wonder any of the following:
Is your home chaotic, with mess and poor hygiene beyond the norm? A bit of clutter with kids is normal, a unsanitary/over cluttered home you don't feel able to bring a visitor to is not.

Is your dog actually safe to be living with a 4-yr old if you aren't able to do something basic like shut it in another room while the school visitor says hi for a few mins.

Are you worried school will witness something - another family member who shouts or is aggressive, more than the norm of telling off the kids for arguing.

Not saying it is any of these things but you have to see it's not normal to not feel able to cope with a visitor to your home for a few minutes. It's akin to the plumber, or a repair person.

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:31

@supersonicginandtonic no I really can’t make that time because it’s not a 10 minute appointment or chat, they’ve booked it in for an hour - if I had concerns then absolutely I would be the first one forcing them round to talk about it. But there isn’t any concerns and if there was I would discuss those with his teacher not a random person in the school that doesn’t even work with him.

as I’ve said previously, I’ve had other professionals in my home and there has been zero concerns

OP posts:
WetAndRainy · 16/10/2022 12:31

It was normal to do it before the kids started primary school - never heard of a visit after the school started.

Never heard of it for secondary at all - though they met some secondary teachers at their primary feeder schools and there were a few evening events and school day Y6 went to new classes at end of Y6.

It was two staff members the kids would have - so they could meet them before school and so they could go through everything with parents. That school reception started week later than rest of the school and it was done in that week.

Past pfb many parents declined - we didn't but many did for work reasons plus there were other events happening each meant kids could meet teachers before they started.

I get covid interfered with this but can't see why they'd go ahead after the kids have started school - if it's inconvenient I'd just decline.

edwinbear · 16/10/2022 12:31

@Johnnysgirl yes I do have DC in the school system. One in Y6 and one in Y9, in London. But as I said, this is definitely not a ‘thing’ in private schools.

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/10/2022 12:31

Home visits were a thing when I started my career as an Early Years teacher in 1985. I never did them as I think they were too time consuming for me (I should be in school with the children) and too intrusive for the family concerned. Many teachers believe they have value but I don't.

supersonicginandtonic · 16/10/2022 12:31

@Pumperthepumper I'm a family safeguarding lead with a substance misuse team. I understand what the OP is saying but this is the truth unfortunately. After all the cases over covid where professionals weren't allowed in homes, we've been told to be extra vigilant.
If I was the OP I'd personally ask to postpone until after her procedure. I know it sounds silly but if professionals aren't extra careful, we get torn to pieces when things go wrong.

Newpuppymummy · 16/10/2022 12:32

I think people are being naive if they I think the school won’t draw conclusions if you refuse home visit. It will be a 10-15 minute visit.

These visits are incredibly useful in identify safeguarding concerns.

dirtyasadustpanlid · 16/10/2022 12:32

Honestly it is 10 mins. Literally 10 mins in your sitting room at a time that suits you. Everyone has 10 mins to spare if they are working from home.

It sounds like you have huge anxiety with people coming to your home that that is a different kettle of fish.

BertaHoon · 16/10/2022 12:32

I had one ten years ago or so. They sat in front room and chatted to DD.

Total waste of time as was a week before she started school and couldn't remember either of them.

I do think it's a safeguarding thing. Like nosey health visitors. Absolutely no reason for them coming round.

CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Not in the spirit

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2022 12:33

supersonicginandtonic · 16/10/2022 12:31

@Pumperthepumper I'm a family safeguarding lead with a substance misuse team. I understand what the OP is saying but this is the truth unfortunately. After all the cases over covid where professionals weren't allowed in homes, we've been told to be extra vigilant.
If I was the OP I'd personally ask to postpone until after her procedure. I know it sounds silly but if professionals aren't extra careful, we get torn to pieces when things go wrong.

It’s not the truth, at all. There is literally no circumstance where the OP would be investigated as a potential abuser on the back of being too busy for one generic appointment. Your talking complete nonsense.

KweenieBeanz · 16/10/2022 12:33

So tell them you can't manage an hour but you can keep 15 mins for them. Why outright refuse or make excuses when you can just compromise and say you are busy and don't have a spare hour but you're happy to welcome them for a quick 15 mins.

Oysterbabe · 16/10/2022 12:33

Surely you'd arrange a time that does not conflict with a doctor or solicitor appointment. It will take 10 minutes. You could easily make it work if you wanted to do it. You don't want to do it and that's the reason you're looking for barriers.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 16/10/2022 12:33

All the schools around here do these visits, but it's meant to be part of preparing the child to start school, by meeting their teacher in a family environment. Since your DC has already settled in well there is really no need for it (especially since I gather it wouldn't even be the class teacher visiting). I bet the school would be relieved if you cancel it - they probably just don't want you to feel short changed.

Sirzy · 16/10/2022 12:34

From all you have said I think building relationships with the support staff now is great and a way to help get on top of any future issues as they arise.

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/10/2022 12:34

The right to a private family life trumps their visit. Saying no isn't evidence of anything. Screw the school, nosy bastards.

I hate visitors to my home. My home is my private space.

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/10/2022 12:35

Johnnysgirl · 16/10/2022 12:22

It's perfectly normal, everywhere!

Declining will instantly ring alarm bells, as there's literally no reason to do so.

What about being at work? What about not wanting people in your house ? Many parents think the visit is about inspecting your home although it's not.

Rainydaize · 16/10/2022 12:35

I think you need to make this visit a priority. Home visits happen here and we had a busy life with working too. We made it a priority to build relationships with the staff who would help and support us should we need it.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/10/2022 12:35

I have never had this. Seems intrusive to me too. I probably wouldn’t refuse it because, right or wrong that will attract attention. But it does seem odd.

CaptainMyCaptain · 16/10/2022 12:35

Or, at least it shouldn't be.

WishingWell5 · 16/10/2022 12:35

I guess the home visit doesn't add value in 99% of cases... they don't do them where we are, but I do think it's a good idea, for a school to have a small window into a child's home life. I would find it a bit awkward/ anxiety inducing but I wouldn't mind.

Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2022 12:35

Newpuppymummy · 16/10/2022 12:32

I think people are being naive if they I think the school won’t draw conclusions if you refuse home visit. It will be a 10-15 minute visit.

These visits are incredibly useful in identify safeguarding concerns.

I think you’re being naive to think the school has any spare time or incentive to care about a missed home visit.

BungleandGeorge · 16/10/2022 12:35

It’s normal but you can decline. They’re usually teacher or TA before they start school for a first meeting in a familiar place so are useful. Not sure what the point is after they’ve started though