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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse a school home visit?

625 replies

CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 11:49

My son has just started school this year so I don’t know if this is the norm or not?

So apparently his school (not the teachers) does home visits with all the new parents to discuss any issues going on and for a chit chat (and probably just to be nosey around your home too!)

I have already had to reschedule once because we -all had COVID but I’ve got it coming up again now but it’s just such an inconvenience! I work from home, have a medical procedure coming up which I have several appointments beforehand and I also have a private issue going on (legal issues) which is requiring a lot of solicitor appointments and admin stuff at home at the moment too.

There has been no issues with my son at school whatsoever, he is doing amazingly well, glowing reports, I have brilliant communication with his actual teachers - I don’t need any extra support with anything and there is a parent’s evening coming up soon anyway.

I also have an extremely anxious dog who really stresses out if stranger’s come into the home (constantly barking, pacing up and down, sometimes wee’s - something we are working on but he came from a bad home previous to us).

WIBU to tell them I don’t need a home visit and this just isn’t going to work for me or will it be seen as bad and negative thing like I’m not co-operating or I’m being resistant etc?

And yes… I do tend to overthink everything which is why I’m asking!

OP posts:
edwinbear · 16/10/2022 12:06

I’ve never heard of this, but DC are in private school. Friends with DC in state school where we are (SE London) don’t have random people poking about their homes, no. Personally, I’d just say no thanks, DC is settled and happy in school, any issues, I’ll let you know.

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:06

@mycatisannoying we do have guests round but right now I have enough appointments going on and working during the week to accommodate someone that probably hasn’t even met my child for a chit chat

OP posts:
Braveheart35 · 16/10/2022 12:06

CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:03

@DuckTails my dog is absolutely fine around people he knows thank you very much and has a very good relationship with me and my child thank you.

I think it's fine to decline, but maybe be positive about why - same detail as your op. Son v settled & happy, good reports, no concerns etc.

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:07

I think I need to make the point again because obviously some people aren’t getting it - it’s not the visit as such that is bothering me, what’s bothering me is that I’m so busy at the moment it’s going to be a real pain trying to fit it in - my child has no issues at school so right now appointments and work during the week prioritises a chit chat with a random person from his school

OP posts:
FleeUpFreeTime · 16/10/2022 12:11

Schools I’ve worked in have died this for the past few years. I’d hate strangers coming into my home to see dc in their own environment

Parker231 · 16/10/2022 12:11

Just say no thank you. Wouldn’t work for those with two working parents so I imagine many will decline it.

bingbummy · 16/10/2022 12:16

I've never heard of this. I did have a sit down with the school but that was in the school.

Where is this the norm? Is it small villages?

YellowTreeHouse · 16/10/2022 12:20

This has been happening for decades. They did it at my primary and secondary over twenty years ago.

You can decline, but they will wonder why and mark it down as suspicious and make a note to keep a closer eye on you. Those who decline are usually trying to hide something.

Elsamit · 16/10/2022 12:20

"Where is this the norm? Is it small villages"

No, it happens in our large town too. It has been done for years here.

Johnnysgirl · 16/10/2022 12:22

It's perfectly normal, everywhere!

Declining will instantly ring alarm bells, as there's literally no reason to do so.

Strawblue · 16/10/2022 12:23

We had home visits for DS for both when he started nursery (at 3) and Reception but the nursery visit was about a month before he started and the school one was in June/July. It seems very odd to be doing these two months after starting school.

Are you absolutely sure they are doing this for all children? The timing seems odd, however fell free to decline as they are not compulsory.

BeanieTeen · 16/10/2022 12:23

I've never heard of this. I did have a sit down with the school but that was in the school.

Where is this the norm? Is it small villages?

If you count central London as a village, sure…

supersonicginandtonic · 16/10/2022 12:24

As somebody who works in safeguarding, parents who refuse home visits and also can't make time for a 10 minute chat about their child, will almost certainly set alarm bells ringing.

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:25

@Johnnysgirl instantly ring alarm bells? Yes I’m sure it will hun, especially when I explain to them that unfortunately I have to work and I have hospital appointments. Plus I’ve had other professionals in my home before so I’m sure they can vouch for it not being a child abusing drug den.

OP posts:
Johnnysgirl · 16/10/2022 12:25

Yes, London here. The posters saying, Nope, never heard of this can't have children currently in the school system?

YellowTreeHouse · 16/10/2022 12:26

You can explain as much as you want. They’ll just hear excuses.

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:26

@supersonicginandtonic I communicate with the school every day, his teacher even commented very recently how the other children don’t have half of what he has because I’m so on the ball with meeting his needs and stuff with school - I’m sure massive alarm bells will be going off because I have 101 things going on at the moment and can’t accommodate a chit chat at this precise moment but am willing to in the future once things settle down.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2022 12:27

YellowTreeHouse · 16/10/2022 12:20

This has been happening for decades. They did it at my primary and secondary over twenty years ago.

You can decline, but they will wonder why and mark it down as suspicious and make a note to keep a closer eye on you. Those who decline are usually trying to hide something.

Such garbage. A kid with no issues with a busy parent will be suspicious in what way? And ‘mark it down’ and ‘make a note’ where exactly?

Parker231 · 16/10/2022 12:28

supersonicginandtonic · 16/10/2022 12:24

As somebody who works in safeguarding, parents who refuse home visits and also can't make time for a 10 minute chat about their child, will almost certainly set alarm bells ringing.

And if the parents are at work and not available?

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:28

@supersonicginandtonic plus I engage with every professional that has been involved with my child (has some additional needs) and we recently had a CAHMS nurse in our home, so it’s not like I’m banning everyone from coming in, I just can’t drop everything right now because hospital appointments I’ve been waiting 7 or 8 months for are more important right now unfortunately

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2022 12:28

supersonicginandtonic · 16/10/2022 12:24

As somebody who works in safeguarding, parents who refuse home visits and also can't make time for a 10 minute chat about their child, will almost certainly set alarm bells ringing.

What exactly is your role in ‘safeguarding’? That sounds remarkably vague and well-funded if this is the sort of set up you’d look into further.

supersonicginandtonic · 16/10/2022 12:29

@CoffeePlease93 I'm not saying you have something to hide and I understand you have a lot going on but this is the truth unfortunately. Also you really have that much going on you can't make ten minutes to have a chat about your child?

In regards to contact with school, you'd be surprised that this is how some abuser work, they do it to keep people off the scent, if that makes sense.

bigbluebus · 16/10/2022 12:29

Just cancel the visit and tell them you're sorry but you have a lot on at the moment with other appointments and can't spare the time but that you're happy to discuss any issues regarding your DS by phone/at pick up/drop off.

We had a home visit from the school nursery staff before DS started there but certainly nothing once he was at school.

Original poster
CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 12:29

@YellowTreeHouse they can keep an eye on me as close as they want, nothing to hide here my lovely!

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 16/10/2022 12:30

supersonicginandtonic · 16/10/2022 12:29

@CoffeePlease93 I'm not saying you have something to hide and I understand you have a lot going on but this is the truth unfortunately. Also you really have that much going on you can't make ten minutes to have a chat about your child?

In regards to contact with school, you'd be surprised that this is how some abuser work, they do it to keep people off the scent, if that makes sense.

I’d have ten minutes to speak to my kid’s teacher about an actual issue. I absolutely would not have ten minutes to have a generic chat with a random person.