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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse a school home visit?

625 replies

CoffeePlease93 · 16/10/2022 11:49

My son has just started school this year so I don’t know if this is the norm or not?

So apparently his school (not the teachers) does home visits with all the new parents to discuss any issues going on and for a chit chat (and probably just to be nosey around your home too!)

I have already had to reschedule once because we -all had COVID but I’ve got it coming up again now but it’s just such an inconvenience! I work from home, have a medical procedure coming up which I have several appointments beforehand and I also have a private issue going on (legal issues) which is requiring a lot of solicitor appointments and admin stuff at home at the moment too.

There has been no issues with my son at school whatsoever, he is doing amazingly well, glowing reports, I have brilliant communication with his actual teachers - I don’t need any extra support with anything and there is a parent’s evening coming up soon anyway.

I also have an extremely anxious dog who really stresses out if stranger’s come into the home (constantly barking, pacing up and down, sometimes wee’s - something we are working on but he came from a bad home previous to us).

WIBU to tell them I don’t need a home visit and this just isn’t going to work for me or will it be seen as bad and negative thing like I’m not co-operating or I’m being resistant etc?

And yes… I do tend to overthink everything which is why I’m asking!

OP posts:
antelopevalley · 18/10/2022 00:28

Not if the child is not there. But most schools that do this visit the child as well.

musicviking1 · 18/10/2022 00:39

My eldest child didn't have a home visit, we were renovating a property at the time and staying with family so it wouldn't have worked anyway, my youngest did have a home visit which consisted of two teachers coming round and reading a book to my child. I wasn't keen on the idea because I felt it was intrusive but felt obliged.

Islandgirl68 · 18/10/2022 01:19

Live in Scotland too and never heard of this, and never had it for my children. Don't see the need for it. Don't know where the staff would find the time.

Autumn61 · 18/10/2022 04:23

What you can see in five minutes can be very informative

mathanxiety · 18/10/2022 04:43

OP, did you allow any HVs to enter your home?

TheDarkSideOfTheMoon · 18/10/2022 06:04

We had the school visit when DC was starting school, l think they just want to check out where you live to make sure you live on the given address, in case anything arises, your child is missing school, they can’t get in contact?

Happylittlethoughts · 18/10/2022 06:06

Not a thing where I live. Absolutely not a chance. Very intrusive. Nope.
I'm a teacher.

georgarina · 18/10/2022 07:02

So funny that people are saying 'don't be paranoid/it's just a chat' and at the same time 'refusal will be flagged up/what do you have to hide/conclusions will be drawn.'

So which is it?

Redkettle · 18/10/2022 07:44

Home visits not a thing here in Wales, where I am anyway. I don't see it as any different to a HV calling in and checking home conditions . If the policy helps one kid every 10 years its worth it to me though.
But I agree with some posters about your way of thinking. If you can't spare an hour, have anyone in your home, manage your dogs anxiety how on earth you going to manage school plays, parents evenings, picking him from school when he is sick, having school friends and parents over birthday parties sleepovers....list is endless.
Maybe that's what you need to be worrying about ...

Katekeeprunning · 18/10/2022 07:59

Our nursery school teacher did a visit. She brought the children a treat and felt if she saw you in their own home they would feel more comfortable coming into nursery.

My son was so excited and sat at the hall window all morning waiting for her. His nursery was called St Mary’s. When his teacher came to the gate he screamed ‘St Mary is here’ 😂😂

TBH I think you are being unreasonable, you seem very defensive not open to suggestions by other posters.

Benjispruce4 · 18/10/2022 08:29

@Katekeeprunning that Is sooooo cute!

Kinderslice · 18/10/2022 08:50

Never heard the like of this...... don't conform because its the norm in your area.
Tell them you can meet them in school before picking up your child

Tigerstotty · 18/10/2022 08:58

Autumn61 · 18/10/2022 04:23

What you can see in five minutes can be very informative

☝️ This

sue20 · 18/10/2022 09:04

megletthesecond · 16/10/2022 11:52

lil it's been common for well over a decade.

I’ve never heard of it! I would say very intrusive no one should be admitted into your home without being invited by you. Parents evenings are arranged on school property for a good reason.

I would refuse this is surely not enforceable. How strange.

Benjispruce4 · 18/10/2022 09:10

DC are 22 and 18 and they were happening in 2005.

sue20 · 18/10/2022 09:13

BeanieTeen · 16/10/2022 11:56

This is very standard and has been for years - generally the visit happens before starting school but I guess that’s what you missed initially? You can refuse it, sure. But you do seem to be making a mountain out of a molehill when it comes to someone visiting your home for 20 minutes. They sit and ask a few questions and played and chatted with DS for a little bit. He loved it and was very excited. I was on my knees with horrendous morning sickness, but still a pleasant visit. Much less of a faff than having the boiler inspected and our extractor fan fixed. Do you seriously never have anyone come into your house?

Even with people I’m friendly and close with we still make arrangements if one is visiting the other. I guess you admit police in some situations although with current news you could be feeling wary of that! Draw own conclusions? That you find it inconvenient to have to arrange admitting someone you don’t know into your untidy house? That you don’t always wash up / hoover / etc when living your normal busy life?

antelopevalley · 18/10/2022 09:21

But they arrange the visit in advance. Quick hoover around the living room. Close the door to the kitchen. Unless you live in utter chaos a quick 20-minute tidy-up would have most living rooms looking okayish.

Benjispruce4 · 18/10/2022 09:24

They arrange a time. I made them a cup of tea and offered biscuits and cake as I would if I had any guests. They told me after that was a treat and nobody else had so don’t feel you have to even do that.

antelopevalley · 18/10/2022 09:25

Thw only person in real life I know that would turn down a visit because of the state of the house is a hoarder. Thankfully she does not have kids, if she did I would report her to Social Services. Her living room and hall would take days to clear up to a standard she could let a stranger in.

Parker231 · 18/10/2022 10:37

I would have turned down (don’t have visits in our area - thank goodness) unless it was convenient and we considered it useless. As we don’t get back from work until 6.30pm and then it’s a rush of dinner, play, shower and bed - evenings are busy and no one is at home during the day

limitedperiodonly · 18/10/2022 11:11

It did my son no harm that I never had guests - he was always playing at his friends' homes and so meeting their parents to see how other adults lived, and the visitors rule didn't extend to his friends whom he was allowed to have freely running in and out of our house.

@a1poshpaws that made me laugh. I was a bit like an only child in that my brother and sister are quite a bit older than me. I usually played at friends' houses and it was exciting because they had brothers and sisters their own age so there were a lot of us. I was a bit taken aback when they used to fight because it never happened at home because my siblings were older. But it was my mum's way of socialising me and toughening me up.

I did have friends round but it usually worked out that I went to theirs. When I grew up I realised there is an advantage to not having loads of kids round your house all the time. But my mum always did her fair share of childminding when people wanted to get out and would send me with lots of lovely cakes to share (she worked in a bakers).

I have inherited my skills at repelling unwanted visitors from her. Like her I am not unwelcoming but she taught me how to say: "Not today or ever, thank you" without guilt.

123becauseicouldntthinkofone · 18/10/2022 11:14

My sons primary school did this 12 years ago, they didn't wander around they just said they wanted to meet child in their home environment, stopped for a brew and had a chat (found it very helpful to be fair as first and only child navigating school times and policies) but it wasn't made compulsory and could have refused. Entirely your shout :)

Theroad · 18/10/2022 11:18

I would hate that, it sounds like such an intrusive thing to do. However if it's the norm where you live I would suck it up as you will look bad if you don't. I'd also perhaps seek out some CBT or other treatments for your anxiety OP. I can get anxious at times so I understand what it's like but your reaction does sound excessive.

antelopevalley · 18/10/2022 11:19

I can't imagine never having family or friends in your house.

N8mech8nge · 18/10/2022 13:03

Thank goodness Supersonicginandtonic i literally think that is such a gas lit comment for you to make…in what capacity are you working in Safeguarding please? Please don’t further inflame a post the lady/parent is literally just asking for a polite and reasonable way to decline a home visit