Smacking DD 5

[FluffyFluffMonster]

My DD who is 5 has been hit today while I was in the shower. Her grandmother (not related) hit her leaving a red mark, GM said dd was wrapping curtains around herself and she was scared she would hang herself so hit her! GM is actually my eldest DD grandmother but is amazing with youngest and treats her like her own. DD has an amazing relationship with her, adores her. We are only a little family with not much support or involvement from other family. This isn't about me I would stop contact in an instant but because my dd adores GM I don't know what to do? I'm 100% against hitting! I told GM we don't hit in this house and she did say sorry and she was scared which is why she did it! I'm actually ill currently and not thinking clearly!

What reactions have you had when you've been scared?

This is a really weird way to justify what happened.

The majority of people, who were scared of someone getting hurt, would not deliberately hurt them. It makes zero sense.

I'm not sure your approach is any different to be honest. Being forced to listen while you are "angry" still sounds like discipline to me. Just changing the naughty step for talking. They are still being forced to stopped from doing what they want to.

What bullshit. She was scared so assaulted her? Fuck me that’s her excuse?and what she did was ilegal. Who the fuck physically assaults a five year old when scared. She chose violence. End of.

has she apologised to your daughter and told her it will never happen again, have you spoken to your child?

Yes. OP hasn't put her daughter in this position, but it's where she is now due to the grandmother's actions. Thanks to grandma the choices are now 'keep my child in contact with someone who physically assaulted her' or 'protect my daughter by keeping her away from someone who physically assaulted her'. I'd rather support my child emotionally through the loss of a loved one and processing what happened with grandma than continue to expose her to the adult she loves and thought she could trust who betryaed that and hurt her.

There is no happy outcome here unfortunately where daughter gets to continue having a loving close relationship with a grandma who is safe to be around. Grandma took that possibility away when she chose to hit a five year old.

I'd be furious with grandma that she'd done this and put us in this awful position and caused not only physical but emotional harm to my child.

Except the naughty step is essentially solitary confinement. You and I will have to agree to disagree that talking to them calmly is the same as using your weight or authority to force compliance.

And did you use the same punishments for your teenagers as you did for your young children? Did you sent them to sit alone on the stairs for fifteen minutes?

I never sent my kids to sit on the stairs for 15 mins at any point.

I thought you "talking to them while they're angry" wasn't a punishment? Are you saying it is? And that when they are teens it will change?

Why would talking to them be a punishment? No, I still spoke to them when they became teenagers.

How did you punish your children?

It's using your power over them to stop them doing what they want and force them to stop doing what they want and make them do what you want.

Being forced to listen or forced to sit somewhere else. Both are unacceptable for me, an adult, in the context of an interpersonal relationship. You can disagree but you can't explain the material difference.

FYI in my experience (which mainly comes from TV) the naughty step/time out thing is usually 1-2 minutes rather than 15.

This

I don’t think there’s a circumstance where they’re allowed to do whatever they like at all times, no. It’s how you deal with their behaviour - you either punish it or you don’t. And punishments don’t work.

I thought the naughty step was one minute per year of life? What other punishments did you use?

Being forced to listen or forced to sit somewhere else. Both are unacceptable for me, an adult, in the context of an interpersonal relationship. You can disagree but you can't explain the material difference.

I don’t understand what you mean by this. You can’t force a kid to listen. You can force them (by lifting them up/holding them) to sit somewhere else.

That it was punishment is what I inferred from your phrasing.

Why does it matter how I "punished" mine? I'm not the one adamantly claiming I have the answers. Indeed I am not sure what the answer is, I will happily admit that.

How is it a punishment though? It’s only a punishment if you think children should be allowed to do whatever they like at all times.

I didn’t say I had all the answers. I said punishments don’t work because they don’t. Why are you so reluctant to say how you punished your children?

Then if they don't want to listen? If they want to carry on poking the cat/biting their sibling/smearing the cake. Do you wait until they have finished?

I never said I used the naughty step.

No, I keep asking them to stop. Or I distract them with something else.

What would you do in the exact same circumstance? What’s a better way to deal with it, in your opinion?

Why are you so reluctant to say how you punished your children?

Because its irrelevant. The only reason you are asking is so you can build a strawman.

Rest assured I do not think I was a perfect parent and my own style of raising them has many flaws. I am perfectly aware of that and it's doubly irrelevant as my kids actually are adults.

Well you seem intent on making a big hoo haa. Childhood trauma from one smacked butt? Honestly…..

Not really sure why you posted.

Personally I think people can lash out through fright and with a disproportionate reaction.

You do realise that children can and do die from being strangled by blinds? They can hang themselves.

I don’t think I’m the perfect parent either. I think I did what I thought was best.

How would you deal with the situation you posted above?

“Except the naughty step is essentially solitary confinement.”🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣oh my god.

Thank you for THE best laugh this morning- I’m in the office and you have made 30 people cry with laughter.

Ah you’re welcome! Your office sounds amazing 😻

Well pretty well everyone in my age group would have trauma. Being hit isn't nice but a one off smack isn't likely to cause trauma.

She's apologised so if child is happy to see her I'd follow her lead.

Depends on their age. Physically intervene with cat and sibling. Ask them to stop with cake.

FYI unlike the poster above I agree with you assessment of the naughty step. Indeed my interest in the thread stemmed from the fact I don't really see the difference between that and a light smack.

So you’d talk to them or distract them? Same as I would? What’s the issue then?

I agree with you but she is from a different era where smacking was commonplace and acceptable so I would move on from this and make it clear that it must not happen again.