If you have adult children what do you wish you had done differently?

[coodawoodashooda]

Looking for advice on how best to make the most of my children's younger years whilst not ignoring the important stuff.

What do I wish I had done differently? I think I was unconsciously giving my DC the childhood I would have loved. I wish I had not made so many assumptions that they would like something because I had, or it was popular. I did realise all this by age 8/9, and I think I was trying hard but getting it wrong. I started listening more after that! And I have learned so much from them!

I have a relative who was never 'taught a lesson' as a child. If she got told off at school, she would go home and cry to her mother who would go in and complain, if she was naughty at home, she would would be placated by getting her own way. If someone fell out with her or didn't want to be her friend it would never be her who was seen to be at fault.

She is now late 20s and has never been able to hold down a job for more than 6 months, the same with romantic relationships and she has very few friends. She still lives at home with her parents and is unlikely to ever leave and gain her own independence. It is actually a real shame as she could now be much further on on life and a lot happier had her parents allowed her to take responsibility for her actions.

I want this!

The advice from early childhood education experts is to read WITH children rather than read TO children. Associating reading with going to sleep might not be the best link to build. Doesn't mean to say you can't have bedtime stories, but perhaps these could be verbal ones rather than bedtime being "reading time".

Nothing, despite our parenting they’re wonderful young people. I should probably have made sure I kept pension continuity with minimal hours part-time work. It’s not a huge issue but there is an imbalance in future income between us and had we not remained together I would be financially much worse off than him in retirement.

I would have helped my eldest to build resilience. Even now she can go to pieces when something goes wrong. She's better than she was, so obviously it's a skill we can acquire at any age but still. I think I helped too soon when she was little rather then support her to sort it out.

I wish I’d taught them how to budget better and given them regular money to budget with.

Things I’m glad I did? Prioritising holidays and city breaks. They still talk about all the places we went and the adventures we had (they’re almost 30 now) and always having an open house for their friends, who still visit even though the DC are long gone.

No real regrets even though mine are teenagers and have done some pretty classic teenager things but I don’t blame myself, I was a pretty wayward teenager myself and my parents were absolutely wonderful with their own flaws so I’ve always used that as a bench mark.

In the spirit of the OP I wish I had started driving my daughters to Starbucks drive through on the other side of town for overpriced drinks and toasties earlier.

It took a few trips for the penny to drop that this was them crying out for some time with me to talk. We went nearly every day some weeks and when I took the time to drive and just listen I learnt so much. We don’t go so much now but when it’s requested I now understand what it means.

Also for the OP I read once somewhere that as long as you spend 15 minutes per day per child giving them undivided attention you’re doing OK. That’s saved me some days (single mum for 8 years, self employed, multiple businesses) when I was run ragged.

My soon to be 18yr old DD1 sent me a ‘I love my mum I owe everything to her’ type TikTok video at 1am this morning (makes a change from the usual recipes she wants me to make) and they both did an amazing speech about me at my recent wedding so I am happy they are happy and I'm sure they would say I'm not perfect and have made loads of mistakes but they know I’ve got their back and that’s all they need to know. I am their constant and that’s enough.

I used to say to them ‘I’m making this up as I go along you know’ to most parenting dilemmas. Because it’s true and I hope my honesty will help them as they become mums.

I do sometimes worry I’ve instilled too much independence and role modelling as they are both very single and not wanting / needing a man and both want children. They don’t see dads as a necessity and both want to run their own businesses and have nice things!

My daughter says she feels she 'got pushed from pillar to post ' I was a working single mum, I thought I was doing my best not being on benefits.
She's always had a good work ethic though.

I wish I had not given them fruit when weaning as they would possibly eat more vegetables now. They have a limited unadulterated veg liking now, but they will eat some foods if they are in a sauce or curry, ie won't eat roast carrots but will eat carrots in a casserole, won't eat peppers raw or cooked but will in a Thai curry.

Also no puddings unless at the weekend. I hated school lunches for that, thinking that cake and custard should end a meal. We went down the yoghurt/fruit route (see above) but I wish I had just done weekend dinners with a dessert, not weekday too.

No "children's food" either, I didn't really do that but when they went to friends' houses for play dates it was always mini pizza or chicken nuggets. I controlled what I could but did indulge them at home.

On the reading front, Ds2 still reads but not as much as he used to. Over summer I read a book to both children, they are 19 and 16! Book 2 will start when Ds1 is back from uni in December.

My eldest should’ve had an ASD diagnosis, I was discouraged by his teachers as he was ‘high functioning’ and they said don’t label him. I was a young mum and I listened. He still really struggles with adult life at age 24 and it’s taken a long time for him to find his way. He could’ve done more with extra support. My other youngest son got a diagnosis and you can already see what that support has done for him.