If you have adult children what do you wish you had done differently?

[coodawoodashooda]

Looking for advice on how best to make the most of my children's younger years whilst not ignoring the important stuff.

Friday night disco nights with dc I wish I had carried on with that even if I was the only one dancing as they became teens!

They're turning out well so nothing jumps out as a massive bungle. I knew from quite early on- as a manager once said it to me about his children - that the best thing you can give them is your time, and that is the one and only rule that I'd suggest anyone tries to follow. Self esteem and mental health are massive problems for children and we have to be there for them.

Luckily mine were growing up a bit before the smart phone generation, (as others have said), so I don't know how I'd cope with having to police what they did on them. They had very early generation phones/ blackberries and I remember insisting they gave them to me and dad as they were getting ready for bed. It's probably getting harder to manage their kids' laptop/screen/mobile use.

@Livelovebehappy Yes very similar! I know my parents acted like this completely out of love as I'm sure you did, but certainly it had an effect on how I am now. I'm always over-cautious, wondering if I'm doing something the "wrong" way, seeking reassurance.

Me too. I remember my mother in law saying I would regret holding her so much but our circumstances were different - I had one she had five.

Same for food - my husband and I ate much later - he was rarely home before 10 - so obviously I cooked her what she wanted to eat - why wouldn't I? I have a range of small saucepans that make me smile that I remember were for heating up a small tin of beans or making a small amount of cheese sauce, and lots of small Tupperware for portioning out spaghetti bolognese for her.

I was a single parent for 5 years, my 2 boys were between 5 and 10 in those years. I worked full time as a nurse, they went to before and after school clubs and holiday clubs. I really wish I had gone part time and claimed top up benefits. Life was too stressful for me and them.

And she is a great and adventurous eater - not the fussy eater she was predicted to be by those who said she should just eat what we eat.

Nothing. All 3 are happy, well adjusted adults in jobs they enjoy, good relationships and good people. I would have liked to have had a little extra cash when they were little though for a few treats now and then. As it was I was poor and there were few treats. Now I am.much better off but they are all grown up now. I do like to treat them though from meals put to holiday money and help with deposits.

I cuddled one of mine for all naps til they were almost 3 (the others were way more independent and slept by themselves happily) and I don’t regret a single moment of it, it’s one of my favourite memories of their baby years! Do it for as long as you want to.

God, massive difference. After shelter, being fed and loved, a love of reading is arguably the most important gift you can give a child.

We read to our boys every night of their lives until they were 12 or so. Every day without fail we had half an hour before bed on our huge bed as a family. We read to them, they read to us, we scoured encyclopaedias (there's nothing they don't know about sharks), we reread their favourite baby books in silly voices, we read 'growing up' books about hormonal teens. That half hour a day was 'our' time to read, talk, discuss, read, be silly, and read some more.

Neither of them have picked up a book for years now. I hope they rediscover reading as they get older but reading to them every night as children does not guarantee a love of books unfortunately.

My 3 are wonderful late teens/adults.

I wish I would have been on more photos. I was always taking them but never in them.

Wrote down all the funny things they said.
let them jump in puddles. I was thinking about this today as it’s raining. I was so arghhh about the laundry I didn’t let them and now they are too old.

You'd have to ask them because I can't think of anything important that I would change. Mine are 24 and 26 now and lovely young adults with whom we have a great relationship.

We gave them time, I never worked full time after DC, they never had to do childcare once past nursery, and we did a lot of family stuff. They still come on holiday with us sometimes now.
I can tell you what I do not regret- sitting with them and holding them while they go to sleep. I ignored all the “making a rod for your own back” comments

Yes to this. I don't regret for a second having little ones sleep in my bed for as long as they wanted, even at 8 or 9 one of them would hop in from time to time.

Try and remember when you/they are having a difficult time that every stage they go through passes and doesn’t last forever. that way it doesn’t seem so stressful. And, remember that the same goes for the good stages too 😊

God, massive difference. After shelter, being fed and loved, a love of reading is arguably the most important gift you can give a child.

I don't agree. You can lead a horse to water... You cannot mould children in your likeness. I am an avid reader and would have liked both DC to feel the same. One does and one doesn't. Obviously they need to read to learn but you can't make them enjoy it as a hobby, any more than you can make them love sport ot art.

Just enjoy them, enjoy the cuddles, handholds, believing in father Christmas, the love they have for you and you for them, don't force hobbies on them they don't want, be there for them, have fun, laugh together, respect them.

Mine are early 20s now and have turned out to be great young men.
I can remember making a conscious effort to enjoy the moment as older parents had told me how quickly it goes and oh my goodness it does.
I wish I'd read more at bedtime and enjoyed that time of day more but was always a busy time with so much to do.

My dd is 25 now.

My advice is don't start any activities unless they ask to go (Brownies, gymnastics, music lessons etc)

Also they need to more at secondary school than when they are babies so if you have a choice I think it's better to work more when they are younger and go part time when older and not the other way round.

My daughter is 15 next week and she's bloody wonderful.

I wish I had been less open-minded and informed them of issues regarding their peers who chose to pursue gender reassignment surgery at an early age.

Lots of things I wish I’d have done differently but then I’d have probably made a different lot of mistakes. The main thing you can do with your kids give them your time, love and limits.

Lots of things I wish I’d have done differently but then I’d have probably made a different lot of mistakes. The main thing you can do with your kids give them your time, love and limits.

Reading with interest.

Be firm from the start. Don’t let them talk to you like shit during the primary years or be a sappy “be my friend darling” mum. Instil respect. You have to start this young - from the off.

Our teens have never been rude or cruel to us neither were Dh or I to our parents. Wouldn’t have dared. Honestly makes me so sad how some of my lovely friends kids talked to them and if this is your family dynamic in childhood you are stuffed when they hit the teen years.

Firm and kind when young collaborative and respectful to them when they are teens.

Weirdly (and probably not relevant to most people) my only regret is making an effort to include grandparents.

By the time my eldest turned 15, we were no contact with my birth family and we had accepted dh's parents really just wanted to do their own thing.

I regret not accepting my middle child really needed a full time carer earlier and allowing my work to use my carer commitments to bully me.

Everything else I'd happily do again a million times over. Being a parent has been the greatest honour and the only bit of my life which ever made sense to me.

Encourage them to never be afraid to try anything and remind them they are not going to be good at everything

I did this too. Along with making sure they gave something a proper 'go' before giving up on it, and not just missing it because it was raining or whatever.

I think some of the best things I did were:

• Eat together as a family every night. No screens, and the opportunity to talk about everything and everything
• Sticking to the one meal for the family, then, as pre-teens and young teens started a rule of everyone in the family cooking one family meal each week
• Making sure they mixed with lots of people of all ages and they learned to be able to talk to anyone and to 'get along with' virtually everyone, and, where they don't, to tolerate rather than to make everything into a drama
• Kept working outside the home
• Taught them how to deal with problems when they arose rather than swooping in and solving everything for them.
• Took them to a great Scout group - so many fantastic experiences and so many soft skills gained as well as the more obvious skills they learned.

What I wish I'd done / perhaps would do differently :
Wish I'd installed a better discipline in terms of practising instruments. Only one of my 3 plays which seems a shame considering how much we must have spent on lessons for all of them
Wish I'd installed better habits / discipline in terms of homework when they started secondary

Just wanted to add as someone who’s mum read to them religiously until I was about 10 but isn’t a big reader now, still do it! I’ve got so many lovely memories of my mum and Is time at the end of the day chatting reading etc. I’m in my mid 20s and we’re still really close now and I would put that down to having that 20 mins every night. I was a quick reader and it massively helped my general knowledge etc.