If you have adult children what do you wish you had done differently?

[coodawoodashooda]

Looking for advice on how best to make the most of my children's younger years whilst not ignoring the important stuff.

If i could go back and change anything it would to have left their father earlier, he ruined their childhoods due to his many affairs and self centred ways. They all suffered problems due to him.

@lovetorun00 that makes me so sad you feel that way about bedtime stories! I'm an adult and I vividly remember my mum or dad reading to me almost every night. I looked forward to it all day! I do the same with my girls, and it's one of our nicest moments of the day. I also think it has helped DD (age 4) gain a good vocabulary and imagination.

Haven’t read all this but picking them up from school whether it was at 3pm or after after school club if I’d been to work, having them in my car or walking home was when all the good talks happened it was always me as dad was the big earner which sadly came with the 60/70 hour weeks in the office so by the time he got home and asked about their day they would manage a “fine”

luckily we’re young enough that dads since worked from home last few years so for all he knew bugger all about their lives from 0-14 he’s been able to turn that around and I’m made up for him

My DCs are in their 40s, so everything I did with them is now considered 'wrong'. I just look at my DC now and am glad they are both well and happy and enjoy my company.

So much! They get a massively increased vocabulary from bedtime stories. They also learn emotinal intelligence by heairng how characters deal with stressful situations or treat other people etc. They learn about the world, about families and lives different from their own. They can get to have a really good laugh after a bad day at school by reading a funny book. And so much more.

As an adult now these are the reasons why I don't have a great relationship with my parents, they don't treat me like an adult, they patronise and imo belittle me, they favour my sibling, they value money and status, as a teenager my mother was massively overinvested in me and now is with my children which is stifling and irritating.

What are these rules that have come in during the last 15-20 years? A few people have mentioned them but honestly I think they may have passed me by!

@BunniesBunniesBunnies ah I love this. I still lie down with my 2 year old every night to go to sleep, he cuddles into me and drifts off after blabbing about his day. I had early comments about how he needed his own bed and I'm glad I ignored them.

ok i haven't read this in it's entirety but both my kids had jobs in supermarkets from 16/17.
i think this had at least two benefits one the realisation of how difficult it is to earn money.
my daughter who was always asking fir expensive makeup etc said to me i'm paying £10 fir a nail varnish that would take x amount of hours to earn.
the second is is i think it made them appreciate how huge work is in your life and how important decisions made at school influence their lives.
mine were both v v clever and have done well and are nice people but i think if i'd tiger mothered a bit more they'd be higher achieving in terms of careers

I’m a massive reader but hate reading aloud and as a sahm for the early years I was DONE by bedtime. Both teens are avid readers despite my shit bedtime story routine.

I haven't read everyone's so this might be a repeat of a lot of it.
*Don't sweat the small stuff. It's not important, let it go.
*Always keep communication open.
*You are not their friend, but their parent.
*I'd have encouraged them to stick at hobbies and sports more. I add that as they have said to me now they are older that they wish I had made them stick at things. I let them give up on certain hobbies / sports as it wasn't bringing them joy.
*Love them for who they are, not who you would wish them to be. This one is big.

This is a lovely thread ❤️

Love them for who they are, not who you would wish them to be. This one is big.

Yes, yes, yes. And love them always, no matter how much you might dislike their behaviour at times.

It's a really good question this.

When I was a kid 50 years ago the things I really remember were the experiences I had rather than the things I had. We didn't have much cash and didn't travel overseas at all.

My Dad took me to see people like Pele, George Best and Booby Charlton play.

I've tried to do that with my own lads - they like sport so they've seen Messi and Ronaldo play - been to all the big London football grounds, Lord's, Twickenham, Stade de France, Camp Nou. World Darts

Hopefully all this stuff will be a fond memory in later life

We spent loads of time with our kids and had millions of conversations. No regrets.

I am so glad we went camping and carvanning for the majority of their childhood. The memories and experiences of being outdoors and exploring together shaped the people they are today.
I wish I had thrown she who must not be named book in the fire earlier and trusted myself more

Time is the most valuable thing you'll give your kids whatever their ages

No smart phones. No YouTube.
Actually, I wish I'd been able to home educate as well.

Interesting question, my DC are late teens/early twenties now.

I wish I'd taken DD out of school and homeschooled when she was relentlessly bullied and school didn't do much to support her SEN. I feel guilty about it but being disabled I know I wouldn't have managed it anyway and to an extent it gave her life skills. It just gave her some real issues too.

Like others I'm glad mine grew up without smartphones until they got into their teens. I think parenting has massively changed in the last few years and feel sorry for those navigating all that with youngsters now. I still think I was a bit lax with screen time and gaming etc but it was ds' hobby and he still loves it and is a lovely, helpful, caring young man, so it can't have done too much harm.

I wish I'd taken hold of the moments more when they were little, and not always been so rushed to get them into bed like pp say. We did read to them every night and they both adored reading as kids, now DD still does but ds rarely picks up a book.

Mostly I don't look back and think I wish I'd done it differently because they're lovely people and great company, very opinionated and confident in that which we brought them up to be I guess (it can be wearying at times when they want to discuss politics at 11pm and argue with you again about culture issues). I think we did ok in general, yes we made mistakes for sure, and there are some moments I cringe at looking back, but in general we muddled through and that's enough. When mine were tiny it was all controlled crying, I didn't like extreme versions of that so did gentle versions like the baby whisperer and I don't regret that because they were both great sleepers and happier babies for it, and always confident that they are loved and valued. So I guess I'd say to parents now, don't sweat that small stuff too much, it's ok if you make a few mistakes, it's ok to do things differently to others as long as you're giving that strong basis of unconditional love and gentle fair discipline.

Thank you for this one.
Just today I was questioning myself but no, after reading this I'll continue to do it the way in doing it. X

mine are still (older) teens.

If I could go back, i would not give them a smartphone. I would hold out on internet access for much longer.

we did it with the oldest, but youngest was year 7 at the start of covid and so ended up online all the time.
I would go bakc and give them all nokia bricks and a famikly computer in the family space downstairs and nothing else at all, until 16.

I wished I could've enjoyed my time with my girls more instead of wishing they'd grow up so I could get my life back. I was a young mum with mh issues dealing with DV. It made me a really bad mum. I tried to make up for it as I got my life back on track and as adults now they tell me how hard it must've been for me and that they understand now they've grown up. It hurts my heart to think back but we have an amazing relationship and they love spending time with me, talking and confiding in me and having lots of mom cuddles without me even asking.

Same here. My parents didn't actually read to me at all, but I really loved reading and still do. They got me books to read though, although this tailed off after primary age and I couldn't afford to buy books for myself at secondary age. Still, there was the school library where I read my way through many an ancient old detective story and anything else I could find.

I have bought my own DC literally hundreds of books over the years - all age appropriate, both current/modern and classics, all their bedroom shelves are bursting with books. So many books. We read to them every night as babies and toddlers and young children etc. Do they read very much as older children? No. I can't understand it. They simply aren't that bothered. They are all pretty good at English as a subject, and can efficiently dissect texts etc, but they don't really read much for pleasure. If I hear of a sniff of a book they are interested in ("my friend has this really cool book..." ) it's ordered in, and they probably will read it, then I'll buy the rest in the series and/or similar books but they won't bother with them. I would have been delighted myself at their age. I don't get it!

I have two dc19/23.

Both were avid readers, now get everything on newsfeed. They do like Christmas books though. The still talk about my voices at bedtime and the singing in the bath. I would encourage any child to watch the news. Mine have great general knowledge and are very politically aware.

I would have done the following differently:

Bought a small, cheap scruffy house. We had to sell our home in the crash and they grew up in rentals. No coloured walls and difficult landlords.

Encouraged the continued learning of instruments. Both love music but don't play. Ditto languages.

Went swimming more. Both poor swimmers. Their schools offered 6 weeks a year.

And finally controlled my alcohol consumption. I spent a lot of their childhoods caring for elderly parents who lived with us. It ruined my mental health and my release was wine o' clock. My biggest shameful regret.

I have two great DC - DS22 and DD19. They get along and we get along as a family. Being closeted together as a family during Covid was fine. We still get on brilliantly on family holidays. Key thing is everyone having 'space' and time away if they want it.

We did have a sticky patch of my making though. I was a SAHM for a few years which was great, but I didn't cope well when I went back to work. They were 6 and 9. Lots of screaming and shouting in the morning trying to get ready for school. DC fighting, me shouting and a couple of smacks. Bloody nightmare. DS was a golden boy at school but then had friendship issues that I didn't take seriously enough initially.

I have a great ex teacher DM who talked me through behaviour strategies. Escalate, rather than be nice until you snap. And listen.

We got CAHMS help for DS, and got a morning strategy (everything ready the night before!).

And we got past it. They fought less and less then became friends when they were both at secondary school.

I wish that I'd sought advice sooner rather than get so cross. (Or not gone back to work ha ha).