If you have adult children what do you wish you had done differently?

[coodawoodashooda]

Looking for advice on how best to make the most of my children's younger years whilst not ignoring the important stuff.

I also wish I'd included myself in the photos and videos as I hardly appear in any.

Taught them to cook. They went off to university at just 18, barely able to make a sandwich - great social life and A level grades and now a successful academic (and able cook). But it was touch and go in those first weeks away, living on custard creams.

Lovely thread btw OP

Not been such a stickler for good behaviour. I had beautifully behaved children but I feel like we destroyed some of their character to achieve it. Made identikit well behaved kids rather than people who knew their own mind iyswim.

Also I should have done a lot less for them in their teens and let them make the mistakes/face the consequences without always stepping in to make it OK.

There are an awful lot of "my kids are amazing and this is how I was a great parent" posts on here.

Some people seem not to have read the OP, or are just in a rush to brag. Which is a shame. I think its actually good to approach this from an "I did my best at the time, but had I known what I know now..." perspective.

I mentioned my dd who is a perfectionist, further up the thread.

When she was about for or five, my DH's somewhat blunt (and single and childless) auntie said in passing "she's too well behaved". My super calm DH was really upset, and though he didn't say anything to auntie, he was pretty angry.
But in hindsight, she was very astute and quite right.

We were loving and calm parents, but yes, we were quietly firm on behaviour, and DD was very compliant. Given that we were empathetic patents and not punitive, I'm not sure what we could have done differently, but yes, she's still 'too good'.

Dont bother taking babies swimming unless you as the parent enjoy it. Dd1 and I both bloody hated it and I felt somehow guilty for that! Saw a couple with a newborn swimming and wanted to say “don’t bother” it’s shit freezing and of no benefit whatsoever.

Been more demonstratively loving - my family were very reserved. Shame I didn't change that.
I read somewhere that your face should light up when you see them walk into the room - I certainly didn't do that but it's a good idea.

Mine was read to every single night and loved books as a small child. He read nothing as a young adult and, although I never said anything, I was so disappointed. Suddenly in his early 30s he rediscovered books and gets through one or two a week now. During lockdown I sent him a book every week and he recommended books to me, it was lovely sharing our favourites.

Every bed time me & my 8y DD do 'High, low bufflo' we take it in turns to talk about a high point of our day, a low point & buffalo is anything you want to talk about from your day. It opens up the lines of communication & trust. We've been doing for about 2years (since I spilt from DD dad. It has definitely helped the both of us become closer and I hope it pays back when she's a teen & still feels comfortable talking to me about anything.

I think the best thing to do with young kids is play with them. It feels relentless and sometimes tedious but one day you will suddenly realise they don't want to play with you any more. Almost overnight you go from being their favourite person to play with, to being a poor substitute for their friends. And once you reach that point, there's no going back.

I was the same. Very literary childhood, read to every night, house full of books, Mum an English teacher etc. I literally never read for fun, only school books. Mid 20s I discovered the joy of reading on holiday. Now age 55 I'd read all day if I could, but life gets in the way.

@Creasedlinen I think you're being way too harsh on yourself. It's highly unlikely you had that effect on them and I'm sure they wouldn't agree with that description . You did what you thought was right and I expect they know that.

Both of my daughters have been ‘caught’ by men who behaved well for two or three years. When fully committed with children/pregnancies they turned into coercive scumbags.

One is very intelligent, the other is not. The stupid one is currently being dragged through Family Court with the most insane lies and stories being taken seriously by them. I don’t know where they find the Family Court staff, but they need to have some lessons in real life. They believe any old tosh fed to them.

The intelligent one is still going strong, stopping us from seeing our grandchildren as much as possible, and controlling contact with our daughter. She is struggling with the conflict.

What could we have done about this in advance? I simply don’t know…

I wish I'd been stricter about my daughter who started becoming a vegan at 11. She didn't like the vegan meals I tried to cook specially for her and lived on junkfood for years. Around age 15, she scarfed down a bowl of scrambled eggs I'd made for the rest of the family. I knew she was hungry, so I started making extra eggs for her and she'd eat them with no comment. Then I noticed her buying cheese w/ her friends, and at relatives' homes, she'd eat large portions of whatever meat was offered ("I have to be polite"). I held my tongue but I should have pushed it more. She didn't want to admit how much she missed eating meat and dairy.

At 17 she was diagnosed for a very short minute with depression but we questioned why they weren't finding a diagnosis for her fainting spells. After full bloodwork, she was found with very poor nutrition and severe anemia (which runs in my family). After we discussed the report w/ her pediatrician, she came home, ate the chicken/vegetable bake I'd made and started in on vitamins and eating meat again. In under a month, she had energy, was no longer depressed and her grades improved.

At the time I thought I was supporting her beliefs. Now, I'm ashamed I let it go on as long as I did. I'm sure there are vegans out there who can eat healthily, but no girl going through puberty should have been on such a vitamin-deficient diet.

Can we just be very clear that whilst reading a book at bed is wonderful it doesn't necessarily translate into a love of reading.

I don't want people to feel guilty!

One of mine is the classic avid reader,the other is only just starting to enjoy books at 10.
By 10 the other has read sóoooo many book's!

So those that didn't and don't have a reader,if you did they would not read or read solely due to you reading to them.

Yes, mine were read to and with every single night from 4 months old until secondary school.

DS1 was a huge reader throughout his childhood and teens and an adult, never reads anything.

DS2 was a very reluctant independent reader throughout school, despite my best efforts and struggled to pass GCSE English even with a tutor (dod thankfully get the grade 4 he needed). Now at 19yo he reads about 4 hours a day and some really obscure things. Everything from academic papers on various fields in science through Tolstoy, Harry Potter and comic books.

To care less about what other people think. That different things ‘work’ for different children. Breastfeeding isn’t the be-all-and-end-all. And to stop beating myself up for thinking I wasn’t doing enough, or the right things.

Definitely more chilled out.
More fun.
More attention.
Less/no shouting.
More acceptance of them and praise for what they've achieved.
Bought a Piano way before I did and got them into music from an early age.
More expression of love and hugs in the secondary years.

They've turned out well and I am proud of them, and wouldn't change a thing about that but I strive to be a better parent now than I was then. It's hard though - juggling so many things (including difficult elderly parents) and knowing what is important and what isn't.

One thing I learned late was to keep my ideas to myself until I was sure - I often would say 'ooh it would be nice to go to xyz on Saturday' but then when Saturday arrived I was tired and had to go because I had promised. But if I had never said anything I could have looked like mum of the year for planning a DVD + popcorn session. Eventually I learned to keep quiet until I knew what energy level I had to spare. Far better to do something low key and everyone be happy than have to do something where the bar has been set a bit too high.

My kids are 29, 18 and 14. I think I did focus on getting to the next stage a lot, and wished time away. I spoke to a colleague in the kitchen the other day who has young kids. After our conversation she said I’m going to start enjoying them more (I reassured her it gets easier as they age) - thanks for this. As they say the days are long, but the years are short. My DS2 has just gone to Uni and it’s almost like it was only a few years ago he was my 5lbs 10oz baby.

life is much easier now though! I’ve been parenting for a long time and can’t wait until I can go on term time holidays!!

I’m so proud of the young adults mine have become, but we weren’t perfect parents!

The most difficult part for us was the teenage years. Be prepared for, at the minimum, loads of teenage angst. I wish I had been more prepared for that.

I wish that I hadn't worried so much.

I wish that I had spotted the signs of my teenage dd being abused by her boyfriend earlier.

But - she is an amazing young woman who makes me proud every day, so I guess I did some things right.

It's a fair point and I didn't want to imply that there was a guaranteed causal link between being read to as a child and a love of books. I know its much more complicated than that and in fact I barely read anything from the age of about 14 to 22. I agree no parent should feel guilty about this.

But I do think being read to as a child supports building a vocabulary and intellectual curiosity and increases the bond with parents. Even children who don't go on to become avid readers will likely derive developmental benefits.

Mine is a really tiny thing. Once when DS1 was little, just starting to dress himself, I laughed (in front of other people) about the strange combination of clothes he'd picked out. I really regret it! Since then he's never been confident about choosing clothes for himself. He's nearly 17 now and still says "I'm rubbish at choosing clothes".