If you have adult children what do you wish you had done differently?

[coodawoodashooda]

Looking for advice on how best to make the most of my children's younger years whilst not ignoring the important stuff.

I can tell you the biggest thing that I got right - lots of time together, all the time, shared interests (even if I had to fake it a bit). We had days out, picnics, board games, movie nights, we did everything together. As teenagers, they had friends and parties and all the rest of it, but we still made time to do things together. I didn't really think about it at the time but it made my children close to each other, and to me. As adults, they are still close to each other and they all include me in their lives. We do a lot of 'whole family' things compared to other people I know and I love it.

As a pp said, it was a different time, so many things wouldn't apply now. My DC's are now in their thirties. I didn't realise at the time, but I now know how fortunate I was to be a sahm for a few years. That's not to say we were well off, we weren't and it was a struggle at times, but our mortgage and bills were paid. We had an old car and didn't go on holidays abroad, not even in this country most years. There wasn't so much pressure to have 'things' so we didn't miss them. I don't honestly know what I would have done differently. I did question myself a lot as they grew up, about whether we'd always made the right decisions but all I can say is how it reassures me to see them doing some of the same things in their own lives, and choosing to follow some of the traditions that began when they were children themselves.
I can honestly say that every choice we made was made for the best possible reasons based on what we knew at the time.

Gone to the beach more often, for short bursts (they didn't seem keen, so I stopped trying)

Made more cakes and puddings (including more variety)

Got the clavinova mended, and encouraged practice more. Organised formal singing lessons.

The big one: pushed harder for S1 to not be satisfied with his work if he's made a careless error.

Bed time stories is one of the things I absolutely did right. Ds had bed time stories until at least 10 years old. It encouraged a love of reading, gave us quality downtime together to snuggle and talk about his day and helped him to wind down and look forward to bed time without squabbles and arguments

I am the adult child rather than the parent, but one thing I wish my parents had done differently was to give me a sense of responsibility and authority for myself. They really over-sheltered me and my siblings in every way, entirely out of love, but I honestly think it meant I grew up lacking self-confidence. Examples:
Dropped us off and picked us up everywhere we went, even when I would have been happy to get a bus or train.
Discouraged us from getting Saturday jobs because they were happy to pay for whatever we needed.
Didn't let us try to cook meals because it was easier/quicker if they did it.
Etc.

This is good news. I worry we don't invite enough people round.

I wouldn’t have over indulged. Not materialistically, but I used to do stuff like lay out their clothes for school, make their packed lunches, ran their baths, never wanting to say no to them, basically did everything for them right up until they left secondary school and beyond. I now find that, especially my adult son, is not very self sufficient because he’s always had all his wants and needs pandered to. He’s kind and loving, but still relies on me for a lot of his life admin, and lacks any get up and go. I guess I compare with what his best friend is now like in comparison. They grew up together, and I used to feel sorry for him as his mum used to make him do lots for himself, but he has just come back from travelling for a year, spent time at uni, very independent and confident. But my son wouldn’t go travelling - anxious about how he would cope. Lacks confidence. I’m sure it must be linked to how we raised our sons, and I failed him in a way. His dad and I separated when he was young, and I guess I did the classic over compensating for his fathers absence.

Wouldn’t it be interesting to know what adults feel their parents should have done differently- All of us are biased with regard to our own parenting!

when I listen to my group of friends (all competent and successful in life) the recurring themes are: “My parent’s temper means we have a superficial relationship.” “My parent’s didn’t step up due to their mental health or other reasons. They can’t accept the impact it has had.” “My parent only accepts being told to stay out of my life when I use words of one syllable.”

Sounds very similar to what my above post has said, but from the other side.

I read religiously to mine every night - they still don't read by themselves IMO these days reading is like sleeping, some will love it and sadly some won't regardless of what you do!

But we do normal stuff like shop, cook, clean together - sometimes it's fun, some times a chore. When they liked something I dived in so Anime, Minecraft (god, I loathed bloody stampy), rugby for DS, and currently craft and design with DD. And as they became teens I spent hours debating gender politics, screen usage and legalisation of drugs. There is no topic we wont discuss and now they are late teens some of these discussions are well past my preferred bedtime and occasionally heated but regardless of where we agree/disagree they know I hear them.

The main thing for me was acknowledge and accept who they are - and crucially this may not be who you thought or indeed wished they'd be. But embrace their quirks, options and likes - chances are they'll teach you as much as you teach them.

It's a really good question. You can bring a horse to water and all that. My DH religiously read to ds every night for years.

He is nearly 20 now and never reads a book. But maybe he'll come back to it.

I wish I'd been stricter about him wearing his retainer after his braces came off. He wore it at first and then after about a year, stopped. And his teeth have moved.

I am glad he didn't get an xbox until he was 14 but wish I'd held out even longer

So important to keep encouraging out of school (not connected with school) activities. Then when/if stuff goes wrong with school, the kids have 'something' and other people that are not connected. This was a lifesaver for my son

absolutely this

This. My oldest is 18 and it was so much easier then not as many rules n blah blah a lot has changed since then. I now have 3yr old and 5month old but don’t do anything different with them that I didn’t do with my oldest. My h/v is older and still quite old school when it comes to weaning and stuff like each child are different and want to do/ are ready for things at different ages. I think as long as your there for them in person(not fobing them off with iPads game consoles etc and emotionally there for themthey will turn into fine humans.

This.

Plus the reading, I wish I had done the stories and not been so eager for them to go to bed because I was tired.

Don't get me wrong, I did a good job but if I was given the opportunity for a do over I would grab it with both hands.

Oh and act silly with them. Jump n dance about the house while they are young and not embarrassed lol

My mum always said her biggest regret was not home-schooling me. She was a gifted student and a natural teacher and taught me to read when I was three, so she would have done a good job. And my Dad was also an ex-teacher.

Having spent time today with my youngest who is now 20 I think I'd have worried less about the 'small stuff'. Both my dcs have grown into wonderful, caring adults who can talk to me about anything. Time & listening are 2 of the most important things you can give them. The hours I spent worrying could & should have been spent on them but overall I think I (single parent) did a good job

A few people are mentioning reading, but I read loads to mine all the time. We had hundreds of books. But both of them grew up to not be into reading at all, so I don’t necessarily think that by reading to them makes them a lover of books. My parents never read to me growing up, yet I absolutely love all books and read all the time.

I wish that instead of being proud of gifted #1's work ethic, I'd realised that she was en route to being an unhappily perfectionist adult. I'd definitely have done things differently if I'd guessed.

I wish I hadn't let them have time on the laptop until they were older. Ditto phones.

I wish I had chilled more - DH was away a lot and eldest had autism. I was so anxious all the time.

I wish I'd got a license and a car - we live in the city with great transport links but I think they missed out on a lot.

I wish I'd signed them up for things earlier - by the time Brownies or swimming lessons or forest school was on my radar, they were booked for the next few years!

Not bought a PlayStation or any gaming machine.

I always brought my children to the library when they were young and they absolutely loved getting in there and it made them brilliant in school,I don't mean to brag but I think I kind of can🤣🤣🤣🤣,I always brought them on nature walks so they adore those things and always will appreciate nature.I gave them everything I could give them but they were most definitely not in any way spoilt,they appreciated the things they got.I think the most important thing a parent can give a child is an ear to listen and time especially after school as that's when you will hear everything

I wish I had helped DD1 more when she lost her shoes, homework, head for the millionth time instead of yelling at her.
She has been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and I wish I had stopped and helped her put strategies in place back then...get ready the night before, think about what she needed, put things in a set place etc. Unfortunately I was as chaotic and messy as she is now when they were small.

I lived in the moment as a young mother and piled all of my time, love and attention into the children, they are very loved and secure young people now.
I am so glad i did but no one told me 14/15 years in just how tired I would start to feel and how much harder it can be at times with teens. Parenting is a marathon not a sprint. Self care is essential and shape your life around your own values and not other peoples/society.

I always prioritised down time and free play over clubs and sports. Sleep over early weekend sports especially. Avoided the over competitive parents like the plague they are. Refusing to do any of it beyond one hobby each made our Ives lighter and more carefree and I certainly don’t regret that choice. We managed to do the things I dreamt of doing - apple picking and pressing, blackberry picking, baking, growing fruit and vegetables, making time for art and living a simple life.
By choosing family time over all else, it has really paid off now they are older, we are a very close knit family that enjoy each other’s company.

Choose time
Nothing else matters as much as you think it does.

DD is 16 so isn't an adult and it's a silly one but I wish I'd taken her swimming more. I was so worried about feeling big in a swimsuit and that people would look at me. How ridiculous is that. I have 2 younger ones now that we take regularly, the irony is I'm 2 stone heavier now. And the most ridiculous thing is that I was a size 8!
I also wish I'd had more patience and like a pp said just let her natter away about all-sorts ,even when I was on my knees with tiredness.
I do try harder on this now, then I feel guilty in case DD picks up on it and thinks "well she wasn't like that with me"

I wish I hadn’t wanted such a clean and tidy home, realising too late that I need order because my childhood was quite chaotic - to be tidy means in control. But a bit of mess is wonderful for children.