To not let my 8 year old son go to the bathroom alone?

[TiredTravelMug]

Hi all,

I'm a single mum to a darling 8 year old boy. It's just me and him and always has been. Lately though, whenever we go out shopping or to eat etc, if he needs the bathroom, I'll insist on taking him into the ladies. I've been told I worry too much (very true!) And I trust my boy not to misbehave or talk to strangers, but there's still that part of my brain that says "better safe than sorry".

The problem is, my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public. He asks everytime if he can use the mens room and as much as I want him to be independent and things like that, my need to protect him from any possible harm overwhelms me and I say no.

So, am I being unreasonable, or taking extra steps to keep him safe? He is still a very young child at the end of the day, and as much as I ask him to use the bathroom before we leave the house, sometimes nature calls!

Thank you!

So do we pretend that boys don't get abused in public toilets in case it offends decent men? Shall we do the same with rape/murder or anything else.

JFC. You are all so bloody convinced you are right and everyone else is wrong (on boys using women's toilets beyond the age when they should be able to use the men's) that you just don't listen, read, or have rational reactions. I have previously said i don't want to NAMLT, but i have also highlighted that i have had bad experiences of badly behaved boys in ladies toilets. The solution isn't just to let boys pull stunts like that. And at the same time we need to address the problem of the dangers faced by children.

The answer isn't to carry on ignoring the numbers of people who don't want boys in their spaces on inappropriate occasions.

You might not feel uncomfortable, but what about 8/9/10/whatever year old girls who are also using the lady’s toilets? An 8/9 year old boy can be pretty tall nowadays. As a young teen I hated seeing boys in there…seemed like a real invasion of my privacy, even though it was only in the hand wash area.

if your boys use the womens please make sure they leave it clean.

if you insist on them using womens spaces make sure they know it’s unacceptable to leave pee on the toilet seats, toilet seat up with pee on the rim, pee on the floor.

again girls and women not only have to budge up and let males use their spaces, but males reinforce the lack of respect by not cleaning up after themselves.

have any of you who let your older boys use womens ever taught them to check they leave the toilet clean?

In the meantime with current facilities? Which loo should a 13 year old boy use?

A 13 year old boy is very different to a boy aged 10 and under with their mum. A 13 year old boy would very unlikely unless a medical reason etc need his mum to be with him to use the toilet. Hopefully the average 13 year old boy would feel comfortable using the men’s facilities.

My comment was aimed at someone else who said she took her 9 year old into the ladies as he has asd, unfortunately I hit reply not quote then the thread had moved on a lot and I couldn't find it. The point was that although her child was pre pubescent which was the justification his classmates might not be so it isn't appropriate to risk discomfort to them when there is an option.

Take your cue from your son, I think.

He must feel ready cos he's asking you.

You can wait outside for him.

There was once recently when we were at a wedding and the gents was crowded with a big group of loud, pissed 18-25 year olds. My 12 year old was incredibly nervous and I took him into the ladies a couple of times after going in and checking it was empty or that those in there wouldn't mind. I see that as an exception though as I wasn't prepared to send my 12 year old into what seemed the toilet equivalent of a pub brawl. Very clearly unsafe.

Generally though, an almost 9 year old is plenty old enough to be using the mens in normal daytime places. Ridiculous to keep forcing them into the ladies at that age against their will.

@BaronessEllarawrosaurus

Sorry, I thought you were talking about OP

if you insist on them using womens spaces make sure they know it’s unacceptable to leave pee on the toilet seats, toilet seat up with pee on the rim, pee on the floor.

I don't know what ladies toilets you are using but my experience is just that ^

Women, some, not all, are fucking vile in public toilets.

I was originally replying to a post about sending a 10 year old girl/boy into the men's. I don't think this is a valid argument as I would also not send a 13 year old girl into the men's yet a 13 year old boy can also be physically very vulnerable to an adult male. Where is the line then?

He's too old for female toilets. In busy places like shopping centres, airports there's really no reason to worry. Restaurants often have single cubicles anyway. If it's somewhere like a park and no other families around then you can use the disabled toilet or ladies as a one off. By 8 my kids were going to the toilet alone if in a restaurant etc (as in I stayed at the table)

9 is definitely too old to be going into the ladies loos.

My son is 5 nearly 6 and goes alone into mens toilets, but only in certain circumstances. Restaurant or cafe, with me waiting outside. Fine. Somewhere like a service station or a park, he comes in the ladies with me.

It's about looking at the individual situation so often, blanket rules are not appropriate. But think about it if not 8, 9, 10? When? Use the baby steps method starting with very family friendly situations including places where there's a cleaner at work eg the mall

But think about it if not 8, 9, 10? When?
Yes, DS started at 6 when he was uncomfortable going in the women's and I trusted he was mature enough to be able to shout out if he needed help. Other posters have said he was too young but I used my own judgement and there was no clear point between 6 and 13 when he was suddenly magically safer. He was still a prepubescent child at 13, just taller than at 8 or 10.

Come back when your son is 9 and tell us you're happy with him going to train/service station loos on his own.

Wow ok so a lot of irrelevant bickering going on here...

I'd like to say that while I do have an anxiety disorder, I am very aware of not putting that on my child. He's a very self sufficient, caring young boy, who knows all about stranger danger, no means no, respecting others boundaries and knowing what to do in a situation where he feels his boundaries aren't respected. He knows our address and phone number by heart, and is a very confident kid.

As I've said before, I'm not worried about how he will behave in the men's or the ladies, but as a single mother who doesn't really interact with men, I've never been inside the men's loos, so I don't know if it's only urinals or if there are cubicles, if they have locks etc.

I'm aware that my son has very recently (the last 2 times we've been in public and he's needed the bathroom) started asking to use the men's. After the helpful advice that some have posted I've decided I am being a bit unreasonable and will allow him to use the men's going forward, with me standing outside.

Thank you to everyone to gave constructive advice.

Not all women and girls leave the toilet clean either! I went in one yesterday that still had poo stained loo roll floating in the bowl.

It is hard when you're a single parent to know what to do for the best. My child was quite young when he decided he was going to use the men's, around age 6. I tried to hold him back for as long as I could, but in the end I realised I had to let him go. Much anxious hovering outside the door for some years after that, but ultimately, kids push because they need to start becoming more independent. It's better to try and facilitate that where you can, it removes a lot of stress in the end.

This is a bit of a strange thread in places. Yes, at 8, it’s probably time to let him use the men’s loo on his own. Particularly if he’s asking to. Apart from anything else, at what age would he be allowed to? 9, 11, 13? In London, children are allowed to ride buses and tubes unaccompanied from age 11.

Its good to get children used to having small pieces of independence as they get older.

In London, children are allowed to ride buses and tubes unaccompanied from age 11.

There is no such rule.

That sentence simply proves my point. We are discussing pre-teen boys, not men!! And to discuss them as males and not kids suggests their gender is more a factor to some than age.

Ah, fair enough. Just had a look and apparently children aged 5 to 10 can travel unaccompanied as long as they have an age 5 - 10 zip card.

This. Children are children and need to be protected by adults, whatever their sex. There was a revolting comment earlier in the thread about keeping your sons away from my daughter, like a pre pubescent boy is some sort of raging pervert. Apparently I'm unhinged and batshit crazy according to another poster 😂My son is just 10 and doesn't want to be in the ladies, so usually I wait outside the men's while he goes in, but in a huge public loo I'm not always comfortable with it. If that makes me unhinged then so be it, bring on the batshit!

No more so than some are accusing our babies of " invading women's spaces" due to them being born male....

I wouldn't let him anywhere alone in public. Male or female toilets. That doesn't mean I'm " accusing" your female loved ones either! Ive often found on the whole people are incredibly kind, Just means that 0.01% chance of someone not beings so, while he is already in a vulnerable position is just to high for me Im afraid.