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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not let my 8 year old son go to the bathroom alone?

467 replies

TiredTravelMug · 15/10/2022 15:54

Hi all,

I'm a single mum to a darling 8 year old boy. It's just me and him and always has been. Lately though, whenever we go out shopping or to eat etc, if he needs the bathroom, I'll insist on taking him into the ladies. I've been told I worry too much (very true!) And I trust my boy not to misbehave or talk to strangers, but there's still that part of my brain that says "better safe than sorry".

The problem is, my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public. He asks everytime if he can use the mens room and as much as I want him to be independent and things like that, my need to protect him from any possible harm overwhelms me and I say no.

So, am I being unreasonable, or taking extra steps to keep him safe? He is still a very young child at the end of the day, and as much as I ask him to use the bathroom before we leave the house, sometimes nature calls!

Thank you!

OP posts:
NicolaSixSix · 15/10/2022 22:22

SirSamVimesCityWatch · 15/10/2022 15:58

You are being unreasonable. Boys are allowed in the women's toilets, accompanied, up to the age of 8. Then they should be going in the men's.

You can wait outside for him, tell him to shout if anything is wrong, but you can't allow him to continue to invade a female-only space.

Good grief. Calm down

Beezknees · 15/10/2022 22:25

EmeraldShamrock1 · 15/10/2022 22:20

Jaysus there is more than I thought including incidents of hidden cameras.

I'd rather not take the chance!

EmeraldShamrock1 · 15/10/2022 22:32

I'm buying a she-wee surely the urinals are safer.
Less chance of some dirty fucker filming for penis shots.

jays · 15/10/2022 22:41

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 15/10/2022 20:09

Male entitlement to female spaces starts somewhere 🤷‍♀️

Show quote history

It doesn’t start there.

Thisisnotmyname2 · 15/10/2022 22:44

I discussed this thread with my DH who said "definitely not yet" to my 6yr old going into a toilet without me whenever he isn't there to take him to the mens. Womens toilets are safe havens if you're in a nightclub and you need to escape from a creep on the dance floor. Less so when your child needs a wee in Marks and Spencer.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 15/10/2022 22:48

I let DD go on her own, she is 9

fitnessmummy · 15/10/2022 22:49

Yanbu I have read some horror stories about kids being attacked in toilets! I wouldn't let my child go alone. Maybe the family toilets or continue with womens.

HouseBook · 15/10/2022 22:50

I let DD go on her own, she is 9

To the men's?

Bellevu · 15/10/2022 22:52

All these women happy to take their 8- tween age sons to the ladies loos, why don't you accompany them into the men's loos?

What is psychologically different between these boys in women's toilets and you as grown up women in male toilets?Hmm

mayiaskyouaquestion · 15/10/2022 22:54

my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public
I definitely wouldn't want to go into the men's loo at 8yo. Trial it out in smaller public bathrooms so that you're comfortable with it, too.

Johnnysgirl · 15/10/2022 22:56

Bellevu · 15/10/2022 22:52

All these women happy to take their 8- tween age sons to the ladies loos, why don't you accompany them into the men's loos?

What is psychologically different between these boys in women's toilets and you as grown up women in male toilets?Hmm

Think about it for two minutes Confused. It should be obvious?

mayiaskyouaquestion · 15/10/2022 22:56

mayiaskyouaquestion · 15/10/2022 22:54

my boy is almost 9 and is getting really embarrassed about having to use the ladies in public
I definitely wouldn't want to go into the men's loo at 8yo. Trial it out in smaller public bathrooms so that you're comfortable with it, too.

Just wanted to add that I'm a woman, so as an 8yo girl I wouldn't have wanted to go to the men's loo.

TheWolves · 15/10/2022 22:58

Fastandlupine · 15/10/2022 22:02

Beesknees, I think you've misunderstood, women (some) aren't afraid of boys, they'd just rather they weren't there

Suck it up, buttercup.

My DS is my priority, not some uppity MNers. You're an adult, he's a child. That makes him vulnerable and I don't give a shit what you think. Your precious feelings even come into calculation.

LimpBiskit · 15/10/2022 22:58

There is a role for dads to play in socialising boys into male spaces. I know some children don't have a dad(or one present) but boys in mens toilets really isn't the problem that some people are making out it is.

VeganFromSveden · 15/10/2022 23:03

Hi limpbiscuit… it was meant to say boundaries.
so if said child feels uncomfortable at any point re another person’s behaviour or language to them, then they alert their responsible adult asap, or shout out, or whatever they’ve been taught.

starfishmummy · 15/10/2022 23:06

Comedycook · 15/10/2022 16:09

It's a tricky age. I remember when my ds was 9 we went to a shopping centre...once you went through the door of the men's loos there was a really long corridor towards the actual facilities. I wasn't happy with him using it so insisted he came with me to the ladies...he was not happy. Anyway a while later I read in our local paper about how a teenage boy with learning difficulties had been assaulted in the toilets at the shopping centre. When ds was 10, he started using the men's but only if I could stand by the door while he was in there and I'd always shout in to him to check he was ok.

My son has learning difficulties and this is my dilemma as he thinks everyone is his friend. He does have physical disabilities too so if he's out with me we find a disabled loo, if he's with Dad they just go to the men's.

He's 24!!

VeganFromSveden · 15/10/2022 23:09

There hopefully won’t ever be a prob for the ops son… but at present it’s a prob for op as the responsible adult… she feels insecure for her sons safety coz of what can be a possibility.
so if she teaches him that he has a right to his boundaries, she then may well feel easier about sending him into the male toilets alone, whilst she waits outside.
not all of us are confident about the possible behaviours of others…

user1471459761 · 15/10/2022 23:15

For God's sake, get a grip on on relative risks. He needs to learn to be confident and independent. He's not going to do that with you hovering around worrying.

Hellothere54 · 15/10/2022 23:44

And this is why all toilets should be gender neutral, self contained cubicles everywhere. If it’s supposedly not safe to have Trans women in female toilets, then how can we let our little boys into male toilets alone?

entropynow · 16/10/2022 00:08

Vulpine · 15/10/2022 16:01

Statistically the likelihood of anything happening is very small, don't live your life in fear

Try telling that to the transphobes on here...

Floweryflora · 16/10/2022 00:20

God that poor lad having to go to the ladies. At eight. His embarrassing and uncomfortable for him. Imagine the bullying if one of his school friends saw him.

you are doing him no favours here. We teach our children safety and if you really do have issues in controlling yourself and your anxiety , then stand outside, but you need to put him first and not your anxiety.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 16/10/2022 00:36

My child who is 10 is very obviously developing and going through puberty, your 9 year old could easily be in her class at school. How comfortable do you think she would be with a classmate in the toilets with her. It's not just about your son but how girls could feel having him in their. You're entitled to use disabled toilets so please do my daughter has no where else to go.

LookingforMaryPoppins · 16/10/2022 07:50

Vulpine · 15/10/2022 18:51

Young offenders are also not lurking round every corner

Thankfully not. However, young offenders are not the only predatory group and mens toilets are known to be a risk (albeit small).

BertieQueen · 16/10/2022 08:06

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 16/10/2022 00:36

My child who is 10 is very obviously developing and going through puberty, your 9 year old could easily be in her class at school. How comfortable do you think she would be with a classmate in the toilets with her. It's not just about your son but how girls could feel having him in their. You're entitled to use disabled toilets so please do my daughter has no where else to go.

So your daughter is not uncomfortable to be in a swimsuit during swimming lessons in school in front of a 9 year old classmate who is a boy but uncomfortable in the female toilets behind a locked cubicle door with far more clothes on where no one can see her?

What about male attendants who clean the toilets? I take it if a sign says a male attendant may enter your daughter don’t use them?

bigvig · 16/10/2022 08:08

I understand OP. I'm also very nervous and paranoid about these sorts of things - due to personal experiences unfortunately so I know it's not just paranoia. I always stand outside and on a couple of occasions when he's taken a long time I've shouted in the door to check he's OK.