Have come to a destination birthday, now disinvited from the actual party

[NotWelcomeAtParties]

Background info so as not to drip feed: My friend, (henceforth known as “Birthday Girl” - BG) invited me to her destination birthday. She also invited my close friend (F) who she likes but doesn’t know well. The other people going all know each other from her work so she invited F along so I could have someone here too which was thoughtful and kind.

She booked accommodation for the group. The blokes (including F) were to stay in a dorm together. The hotel also has a self-enclosed villa at the top with a living room for the whole group to use and she booked that too. When arranging everything she sent a message saying she would take the master bedroom with her partner, and there was also a twin room to share and a sofa bed. She booked everything and I paid her my (equal) share for the villa.

F and I turned up a day later than everyone else. BG was out sightseeing when we arrived but some of the group were there to let us into the villa. I found out then that two other guests were in the twin room and the only place left for me was the sofa bed in the living room.

I was unhappy about this - I’m a light sleeper, teetotal right now and generally go to bed early. Being forced to stay up until nine other people (who drink) are ready to sleep is my idea of abject misery. And not being able to nap in the afternoon if I want because everyone is using the space, and not having anywhere to unpack my things.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly AT ALL so decided the best thing to do was just find a room elsewhere (F opted to do this too as he thought it would be awkward staying there if I wasn’t around). We found somewhere with 2 available rooms nearby and checked in.

Later, we met up with everyone for a drink and I could tell BG was upset but we couldn’t really talk properly surrounded by everyone else and I assumed we would when we got a moment alone. However, the next morning (today, which is her actual birthday) she sent me a message saying she would rather we didn’t join them for the celebrations as she is very “angry and upset”. She also said we “should feel free to move on if we wanted to” (it’s a small town, and I guess she doesn’t want to risk bumping into us.) she also said she has paid me back for my share of the villa.

We exchanged a couple of messages. I said if I’d have known in advance I would be left with the sofa I would have just arranged a separate room for myself in the same hotel. She said she had made it very clear the sofa was a possibility. But I don’t think it was clear at all. The sofa is such an unequal sleeping situation compared to the other options, wouldn’t you at least give the person stuck with it a heads up? I would have!

There’s basically been a miscommunication between us about the sleeping arrangements, but I feel I’ve sorted it out as best I can by getting a room elsewhere, which has zero negative impact on BG or anyone else (if anything, it’s a net win for everyone as I would have been grumpy as fuck sleeping on the sofa and miserable company).

It just seems so mean to disinvite us from the party. The trip has ended up costing a small fortune (south of France), and F and I are self employed and we’ve both given up work days (and earnings) to come. We chipped in together so we could get her a really good gift, and now we can’t even give it to her.

In her last message she said we need a conversation about this, but not today, implying that we will hash things out when we get back to the UK, but honestly AIBU to just say fuck it, and not bother?

I’m not wrong, am I? This is really mean?!

What's to sort out?
Birthdayzilla was outrageous. OP has tried to say sorry.

Your "friend" doesn't sound like much of one, to me. Sounds more like someone who thinks the world revolves around her and anyone else's concerns are irrelevant, evidenced by the fact that she would stick you, someone who doesn't drink, with sleeping in the common area where all the people that DO drink will be. Also sounds like she prioritized the couple that was put in the other room. I, personally, would distance myself some from a friend like that. Not really write them off as a friend completely, but would definitely question the closeness of the relationship, how valuable it is to her and start keeping her at arm'e length until she either grows up or tires of you.

I think 'you should have expected the sofa bed' is going to be the new 'stop the cheque'.

To summarise:

BG asked your opinion on two accomodation options, you said the one with a sofabed was better

BG assumed therefore that you wouldn't mind the sofabed and understood it was one of the options

You assumed someone else would have the sofabed and then forgot about it

You turned up a day late and were surprised to find that someone else hadn't taken the sofabed and left an empty bed waiting for you

Without even telling the BG, you book a hotel room and when she messages you, you claim that you had no idea the sofabed was a possibility

I do not have low standards and would not want to sleep on a sofabed in a communal room now that I am 40 but I don't think the BG was in anyway unreasonable to assume that you were ok with the sofabed and that if you felt strongly about it, you would have said something earlier like when you expressed a preference for the smaller place!

If you had called me and said "you know, I don't think I thought this through, I am knackered from the journey and will book a separate room" I would have been fine with it but not even having the courtesy to tell me properly, I would be really irritated! Especially if you then claimed not to have been realised that the sofa bed was a possibility.

Skipped to the end as I think if I was told there was a sofa bed I would half assume that it was a sofa bed in a study or small bedroom or something not in a communal area. I'm a similar age and I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to sleep in the main communal area.

What's the problem?
She paid for her own alternative accommodation.
I'd ditch the Birthdayzilla.

I can't believe any of you are siding with BG, like genuinely can't fathom it.

First of all a "destination birthday"? Fuck off hun.

The idea of asking all of my friends to go somewhere on their own dollar just to celebrate me and my birthday literally makes me cringe so hard I could be sick.

Second - telling OP to move on as if she owns the town OP is in? Again, fuck off.

This just smacks of her a) being an absolute birthday brat (which is something I can't stand in people) and b) being riled up by her other friends in OPs absence about her behaviour - I wouldn't want to be around any of them OP!

Glad you're home now and had a good time all things considred. I think you've been incredibly benevolent in allowing her to make this your fault.

She acted like a 12 year old birthday brat at the age of 40. I'd fuck her right off .

@Tomorrowisalatterday why would it have irritated you so much? OP staying elsewhere freed up the living area and no one would have felt in the way if they had wanted to stay up and drink into the small hours if they felt like it. The accommodation remained the cheapest, even though you initiated paying OP back. She never asked for it. OP has given her reasons for not being able to discuss the change with BG before she arranged it. So why on earth would you have felt so put out that you would dis-invited to OP to all the celebrations and tell her she should move on to a different village entirely. It’s such a massively over the top reaction.

Because I don't like confrontation, I wouldn't have disinvited the OP but I would have been annoyed.

Why? I have tried to explain but TBH I genuinely can't understand why you wouldn't find it annoying.

I would feel like I had checked the accomodation choice with her, she had not only been happy with this one but said she preferred it. I would then arrive back at the accommodation expecting and looking forward to seeing my friend, no message or call from her, just my other friends saying she turned up, didn't like it and left for somewhere else.

I guess it's two things - one is that if you want to change a plan you've made with me, I expect you to actually tell me and the other is that staying together would be the point of the trip so I would be irritated that I had gone to the effort of finding options, checking them with everyone and then the OP deciding it wasn't nice enough for her.

To be clear - if the OP had said up front "I really don't want to sleep on a sofabed, can we go for the other place" that would have been fine. If she had even said on arrival "oh, you know, I think I am too tired for sofabed to work for me" that would have been ok too. But the combination of agreeing to it and then not talking to me would really annoy me

OP has given her reasons for not being able to discuss the change with BG before she arranged it

Sorry if I have missed it in this long thread but I didn't see what her reason for not messaging or phoning the BG was. I understand why she wanted to get a move on with booking somewhere but not sure if there is a good reason for not communicating at all

@Tomorrowisalatterday

Then I think it’s kind of a personality clash as if I were BG I would not have put my friends in this situation in the first place and booked appropriate accommodation. BG thought she was being clear but it seems not clear enough.

Regarding OP contacting BG, she has admitted in hindsight she probably should have done, but I can imagine after a long journey, being pregnant and exhausted she didn’t think of it. Perhaps you’re right and this is the crux of the matter, but BG was still in the wrong to dis-invite

So you can't post on MN now unless you're on the breadline, lest it offend someone?!

Get real. There are plenty of people still going on holiday. Eye roll.

Op, you have been treated appallingly by BG. To disinvite you, simply because you opted to stay elsewhere, is a truly vile and spiteful. Like a PP, I am also shocked that you apologised. In your shoes, I wouldn't piss on BG if she was on fire. Take heed. She has shown you what she thinks of you, and how she has no problem dismissing you, if you don't toe her line. You don't need friends like this. Trust me! I'm older than you, and I've encountered women like this before. She will shit on you again if you let this one slide. Dust her off.

When she contacts you after all of this, and wants to talk, I would send this :

"I didn't fancy sleeping on the sofa bed, as I am a light sleeper, pregnant, and couldn't face having to stay up every night until the last reveller was going to bed. I made no fuss. We found another hotel nearby. I didn't ask for any money back from you. Despite being very tired and feeling quite sick at this stage, I travelled for XX thousand miles, at considerable expense, to join you for your birthday celebrations. You then disinvited me from the event, purely because I wasn't sleeping under the same roof as you. I find your actions appalling and rude, and you have ruined this friendship. Do not contact me ever again"

Oof at the update OP 😂

I don’t think you’re that likely to get an apology from BG. Does the friendship hinge on that for you? I really think from her perspective, you flounced out (I know you didn’t but it’s how it probably looked to her!) and her disinviting you was her attempt to regain a bit of dignity. Which is, yes, a bit childish in a “you can’t dump me I’m dumping you first” kind of way, but I really don’t think she’s awful for it.

She’s then recanted and tried to invite you to the evening drinks, the message that you received late- did you actually respond to that one? Apols if I missed it.

Obviously there is fault on both sides but I think expecting her to be the one to bend over backwards being apologetic (especially the messages demanding apologies, which I’m sorry but i just don’t see those as having a good outcome) is really unlikely to work. I’d be messaging her again to apologise and explain.

good luck with your scan 💐💐

@Aphidsandhoneybees yeah I think there are a few things going on.

In some social circles I am in, it is absolutely the norm to book somewhere everyone can have their own bedroom, wouldn't even propose sharing rooms. In others, it's considered rude to assume everyone has the money for that and it would be considered polite to offer a sharing/sofabed type option so that people who want to spend less can say so. It sounds like the BG was trying to test the views of the group but the OP for some reason didn't actually state her view which would have avoided the whole drama!

I was shattered in early pregnancy and I really understand the uncontrollable need for sleep. I once woke up at the end of the tube line - I was only going 2 stops 🤣 But the BG doesn't know that the OP is pregnant - and again I get why she doesn't want to tell so early but it does mean the friend isn't making those allowances

For me a big thing with the OP is the lack of communication - it's not actually clear when she would have talked to the BG if the BG hadn't messaged her, she wasn't very proactive for someone who had decided to change accommodation - and I do think that's rude! And it also seems like she had forgotten half of what had been agreed.

I wouldn't have been happy if I were the BG but I think the uninviting stuff was over the top too.

hmmm but you haven't apologised for "your part in it" really, have you?
From what you've said you've only apologised for not contacting birthday girl directly when you decided to get your own room. You haven't been in touch with her at all since you got home and discovered the whole sofa bed issue was actually your fault! From her POV she knew this all along so could partially explain why she was so annoyed and went OTT.

apologising for your part in it would be "I'm really sorry that when you asked me if I'd be okay with the sofabed arrangement I not only said yes but told you I actively preferred that option to the option where I'd get my own bed and room. I'm also sorry that when I arrived and saw what I'd agreed to wasnt what I expected I then left without contacting you and explaining. I'm also sorry that when you tried to make amends by inviting me to the drinks I completely ignored you."

I really, really cannot see how BG was at fault or not only taking OP at face value when she said she was happy with, and in fact ACTUALLY PREFERRED option 2,rather than somehow understanding what OP ACTUALLY meant was option 2 was completely unacceptable to her.

I wouldn't have disinvited you from the party, if I was BG but I also wouldn't have paid you back for your share of the villa so she's nicer than me in that way!

Were the men always going to be in a dorm or would the 7bed place have accommodated them as well?

I find it really hard to think that no one said that tey'd rather no dorm/sofa bed.

And if she was bagging herself an ensuite with her OH of course option 2 looked good to her!

Even if Op did flounce out (which BG wasn't even there to see) why would that mean she couldn't go to the party/activites/whatever?

Agree pretty much word for word with what @Tomorrowisalatterday has said.

It sounds very much like a group with a mixed budget where the organiser has tried to incorporate everyone's preferences. Of course it's a little tricky to do that unless people actually state them.

It feels a bit like the trip I organised this summer. Costs were clearly laid out in the email I sent, one friend for whatever reason seemed to ignore this - and to be fair she had a lot going on - I tried to make it more cost effective by sharing a 2 bed apartment, but even that was moaned about how expensive it was and I felt I couldn't win and annoyed that if price was a key factor why she had seemingly ignored my email stating costs right at the beginning.

It is very annoying when you're trying to organise something and people ignore what has clearly been stated. Obviously disinviting OP seems very drastic, but I'd be interested in the exact content of the texts between them.

Also many parents (is that the opposite of childless? childwith?) could afford this. If it was a good friend & I fancied a weekend away I would certainly do it - I have done it for my sisters & would do it for a friend).

I think she had a certain vision for her birthday in mind, of everyone all together and we’ve dashed that somewhat by staying elsewhere

then she should have organised a place where everyone gets a proper room to sleep in!

This. I agree, you were there a night after everyone else, why would you not have the sofa? It’s a total mare to plan getaways for lots of people, so I see where she’s coming from that she’s upset you won’t all be there. You knew the sofa was a possibility from the get go, if it was going to be such a problem for you to be sleeping on it you should have said when booking.

The BG wasn’t to know that you’d forgotten that you’d agreed to the cheaper accommodation- in fact you were the deciding vote on sofa bed place. As far as she was concerned that’s what you’d paid and signed up to.

She offered 2 accommodations- one where everyone had a room and one cheaper where one person had a sofa and asked everyone which they preferred? What more could she have done? (Other than not have a birthday abroad but that’s a different issue).

No - I wouldn’t book a place with a sofa for someone but she checked and you agreed so she must have thought you were up for that possibility.

I don’t get why you’ve had a tough time on here.. I recently went to a celebration weekend where there were several bedrooms and people staying together. It was never fully agreed on the sleeping arrangements. I was put in a room with 7 people and I’m not particularly a fan of group living situations. I got in bed on the first evening and everyone was loud… lights were on and off. I said “would anyone have a problem if I stayed in Betty and Margaret’s (not real name) room? Everyone said “no problem! See you at breakfast”. I left and continued to have a fab weekend. No drama.

Op, BG is absolutely bonkers! Please don’t waste any more time on this. As if she thinks it acceptable to un-invite someone to a celebration they paid a lot of money to attend, just because they booked somewhere else to sleep. It’s not as if you even asked for your money back on the accommodation!

i had a friend do similar to me because I couldn’t get a room at the hotel they suggested for their wedding in another country. I let them know that I was attending but would book a different hotel as I could get a family room where they were.

They went mad saying it wasn’t good enough because they wanted everyone in the same hotel. Even their future spouse got involved saying I was spoiling it for everyone… I didn’t go at all in the end and haven’t bothered with them since.

Good luck with your scan ❤️ and don’t give this a second thought!

Because OP did "fully agree"(actually specifically requested!) the sleeping arrangements and then changed her mind. Also OPs friend gave her and her mate a full refund so lost out herself financially and ended up paying for 3 people's cost of a shared villa for her own birthday celebration, yet OP still feels she is in the wrong. Also sounds like you just moved to another bedroom whereas OP completely left the venue. Also you asked if anyone minded rather than just leaving.
So overall fairly different circumstances!